WH~ Don't beat yourself up about om still being on your mind. The withdrawal is all a part of the ugly process. My A was a month shorter than yours and it took nearly 2 years of absolutely NC before he stopped entering my mind on a daily basis. All of a sudden one day I realized I hadn't thought about him for 3 or 4 days in a row. Then I'd go weeks, and finally months at a time. I haven't gone a whole year yet. I think having an OC makes it more difficult to completely forget. My, om, and OC's birthdays are all within 2 weeks, which doesn't help.

Hugs....

That's a major encouragement, AD! I'm an emotional gal to begin with, and OM knew exactly how to get to that part of me, but I can only take it day by day. I just want to forget...it's so hard...but your words are a light at the end of the tunnel.

I have been away from MB for a very long time..

May I ask respectfully, TheRoad, do you have an OC in your life?

I do. Not mine, his. Child will be 6 when the flowers start to bloom again in this four season state of mine.

And dear, DEAR Pops.. you remain the epitomy of decency. You are at the top of my list in life-savers that I have met through this ordeal. Your words are examples of experience, not theory.

Experience in these "messes" is the single most valuable resource anyone can ask for.

Original poster...please read the wise words of people who have studied this, and then consider the importance of true life experience. For me, it seems that the answer always comes from a little of both.

Eibrab

AD, you are truly a blessing to so many people!

Minor t/j...hi Eibrab!

No.

And don't have to have one to know that there needs to be NC with the OP.

"""""""""""""And don't have to have one to know that there needs to be NC with the OP."""""""""""""

road that's the type of myopic arrogance that does no one any good.

nothing in this mess is black and white and there is no single answer/set of rules that fits across the board

If NC is good enough for the Harley's even when there is an OC then it's good enough for me. I have yet to see a Harley recommend continued contact when there is an OC.

Also I have to agree with the Harley's when the married couple have been married a short timey and there are no COM and the OC is on the way it's best for the BS to back out and let the OP and WS raise the child as a family.

Otherwise it's the WS and BS to decide whether to recover with an OC. If there is to be recovery then their must be NC.

I have yet to see where a Harley has said so. They have never stated any exceptions unless there is a life and death decision with the OC. Not practicle for 3rd party use then.

Even pops has stated before thst NC after the fact would of been better for him and his WW.

Sometimes C is the option that has to be taken. The reasons are many. It is not right for all..it is not easy.

What do you say to a child who wants to know why mommy cannot ever even say hi to daddy..or stands on the opposite sides of the room at a school play?

NC for affair partners is truly the only option that seems logical. But when you've screwed up and brought a kid into the measure..how do you think this effects that child? Seems to me that this is how personality disorders are developed. At some point, the resulting child has to be considered, event hough I place no more importance on the child than those affected.

Reading a book does not make you an expert.

What's wrong with the truth?

That WW/WH had an affair with OM/OW while married to the BH/BW.

That married people don't have BF/GF when married. They don't go on dates with OM/OW.

That if an affair happens there must be NC after the affair forever so that the affair never restarts again.

That they do not want to cause their BS furhter pain from having continued contact with the OP.

Continued contact only causes more pain.

The reason is that you are an OC.

The reason is that birth control must be used. ( I think AP's don't use protection because the OP going bareback let's them brag on the next higher level look at me look at what I'm doing to the BS spouse, the WS look how much I want to prove that I don't respect my BS I'm doing the OP bareback )People have to act responsible when having SF.

An OC and the consequences of an affair, means that the OC is loved and wanted but because the adults did not act mature this is the way things have to be done now to protect the adults.

Once the OC is an adult they can decide who they want to do as relationships with the WS, BS, OP.

Simple.

No blaming, no justifiying, no WW was a hoe, no WH was a dog, no OP was a theif, sneak, no the AP's were banging their brains out.

And the best part:

No lying.

When kids are given the truth they will be able to handle difficult situations correctly and will grow up with acceptance and be well balanced.

Can't beat the truth with a stick.

Well, if people were acting responsibly, there wouldn't have been an Affair in the first place. It's never responsible to cheat on your spouse, whether you use protection or not. A's are not about responsibility. They are about selfishness and generally require a whole lot of reckless abandonment, which IMO, is why birth control is generally not a consideration.

Then why when do husbands and wives take care to to use protection?

Don't they worry about that it's not the right time to have a kid?

What about the OW/OM that is never going to leave their BS, what goes through their mind?

Does the OM never care that he will never be part of OC life?

Does the WW never care that she commits paternity fraud on her BH, and how does she live with this secret?

See, you're putting way more thought into this than the waywards are likely to at the time. That's my point. When you're caught up in an A, you just don't think about all this stuff.

I can't answer for anyone else, but in my case, I just wasn't thinking at all. I was living completely in the moment. Affair's generally require what is, in fiction, termed as a willing suspension of disbelief, meaning that I simply wasn't thinking about the consequences of my action because I was living in a fictional reality that I had accepted as concrete and real, even though it was neither of those things. In this reality, my actions had no consequences, or if they did, they were only good ones. In my mind, it didn't matter if I got pregnant, since the OM and I were going to be together and we would just raise the child together like a happy family. I really believed that's how it was going to happen, so I just didn't worry about it.

As far as the OM goes, I think he was pretty much thinking the same thing. I don't think it really occurred to him, until much later, that he had conceived a child whose life he would not be a part of.

And I never deceived my H about the paternity of our OC, so I can't answer to that. My H knew from the very beginning that our OC couldn't possibly be his biologically.

W1

"I was living in a fictional reality that I had accepted as concrete and real, even though it was neither of those things. In this reality, my actions had no consequences, or if they did, they were only good ones. In my mind, it didn't matter if I got pregnant, since the OM and I were going to be together and we would just raise the child together like a happy family."

Not to make this personal. But don't spouses feel this way?

If so then why do they take pains to avoid unwanted pregnancies?

Don't AP's worry about timing, finishing school, pursuing a career, money to raise an child?

I don't understand what you mean by "don't spouses feel this way?"

W1

"I was living in a fictional reality that I had accepted as concrete and real, even though it was neither of those things. In this reality, my actions had no consequences, or if they did, they were only good ones. In my mind, it didn't matter if I got pregnant, since the OM and I were going to be together and we would just raise the child together like a happy family."

To add this what did you expect your COM to do when you left your BH to be with the OM?

Oh, well, OM and I had this terrific fantasy that my H would move out of the marital home and he would move in (well, that was OM's fantasy at least. I was rather horrified by it) and then we would all be one happy family.

At the time, my COM were all teenagers (13-18). I'm sure moving dad out and moving substitute dad, POSOM, in would have went over real swell.

I told you I wasn't thinking very clearly.

If AP's are going to live happily ever after so the don't care about a pregnancey then
When spouses ( no affair ) are feeling the same why don't they not care about unplaned a pregnancey, after all their in love as well.

Not laughing at you now or back then but I find it funny that a WW can rationalize that her teenage COM would accept the OM.

W1, thanks for the exchange.

I think the difference is that a marriage occurs in the realm of reality. You are dealing with finances and day-to-day life and such. An affair occurs in la-la-land, where none of the realities of daily life exist.

writer1..you put it into words that are understandable. It may not make sense to someone not involved in it, but it does make the mindset of someone in an A a bit more apparent.

TheRoad, you seem to be very interested in the dynamics here..again, I say that respectfully. It is, indeed, one of the hardest things anyone could ever go through.

Your post where you suggest the truth is correct in a perfect world. But it isn't reality. It is a rare person who is going to admit to their child the things you want OC's parents to. If you tell them how wrong their conception was, but how much they are wanted..well, that doesn't work in a child's mind.

More often, the child ends up blaming the betrayed spouse for his/her parents not being together. Sure, the bio-parents could prevent this, but more often than not, there is some bitterness on one side or the other.

C is really a hard situation..and like I said, people do it for many reasons.

Honestly, I am not an OW with an OC..as I said, it was my H's A that brought me here.. but if I was in the original poster's shoes, I'd not allow the presumed parternity of child to be her husband's to be challenged. If I am not mistaken, some states won't allow an OM to challenge this in a marriage. Is this right? Maybe not..but it is far less confusing to the child.