It's a process, my friend. You're in the start of it. Darkness in Plan B helps you see things more clearly as time passes and feelings start to disappear.

My ex told me we would be friends and that she might even consider getting a duplex so we could live next door to each other. That's how demented her mentality was.

They really paint this pretty picture of divorce in their heads and are ticked when it isn't the reality and you're not the friendly nice guy they thought you'd be and aren't going along with the kids hopping in the field while bunnies frolic and you drink beer with her new man on a beautiful green day with rainbows.

You should read Chrisner's thread. It's a good read and shows how Plan B really helps heal to a point where you really don't care about the ex's crazyness.

I guess my biggest issue is that there is a part of me that is still hoping some miracle occurs and that she gets the proper meds and counseling and that my marriage can be saved. Though I know realize that is very unlikely but I still have hope.

Dcn54,
Sorry to read about your story but I think you're making the right choices. Did you send a Plan B letter and put as one of the conditions to get medication and counseling?

Gg

She is already seeing a counselor. She is also required by the courts to submit letters from both her primary physcian and her physcologist stating that her mental health is stable and under control through meds. This is a result of HER filing an exception to the custody ruling. The bad part is I offered her support money not to go through with the exception...the result was the judge swayed her to drop the exception.....he made it clear he was happy with the shared custody.....and she ended up walking away with nothing and now having to prove her stability. Plan B letter was sent. She may be to far gone with resentment and angry for her to wake up and realize what she has done.

For now. You have to understand and accept that you can't change the outcome of what is happening by spending so much mental energy on trying to figure out her thoughts.

The best thing for you to do is to consider her lost because she is.

I know you want to save your marriage. I'm not saying you should D or not find a way to reconcile. What I'm advising you to do is to find a way to change your mindset where you consider her lost and gone. This is for your own mental wellbeing.

All you can do is move forward with a plan. Plan B is good. You need it. You can't control her, her mindset, or what she is thinking.

Trying to figure her out is not going to get you anywhere.

She's facing the consequences of her actions for the first time and that is good. Press. Press with your life. Press with the legal actions. Press with Plan B.

If she ever returns and is apologetic, then things are a different story.

Update

Plan B has not gone so well for the reason of seeing each other two to three times a week. On the bright side those activities have ended. All communication between us is supposed to be email per the judge. On top of that we have been ordered to attend co-parenting classes togehter...there goes B again. I had the misfortune of having to call her about our son a couple of saturdays ago.....she went to hit ignore on her cell but instead turned it on. I got to listen to her tell her girlfriend about how it feels so right with the OM....how she can't wait for the divorce so they don't have to sneak around and our kids will just have to deal with it. Listened for 25 minutes of pure pain. Followed up by going to the bar her and her friend drove to.....bought them a drink and told WW "hey genius your phone is on still....just heard you talk about Joe for 25 minutes....don't ever tell me this is all about me" chugged my drink told them to have a wonderful evening and walked out. Her girlfriend called me to apologize.

Since then she has told me she is fine with the custody...ie she spends her freee time with OM and his kids. His son tells my son when mom is over. They go to school together. Wife has no idea what she is doing to our son. Trying to follow advice here but it is so hard when you see your kids getting hurt.

We are about to lose our house to boot.

Have come to the conclusion there is no hope.....though my son asks me all the time to keep trying.

You have no control over what she does and who she sees anymore.

Shelter yourself from this. Plan B isn�t just to push her into the arms of the affair. It is also to protect you from the abuse. Listening to her drone on about the other man is a waste of your time and simply serves as self torture.

Plan B is darkness intended to protect you as well and to keep you from hearing such things.

There really is nothing you need to contact her about regarding your son. Parenting issues are things you just need to figure out on your own. Anything else can be communicated via email.

Be the bigger person. Have your lawyer seek a ruling that prohibits the paramour from being around your kids. Better yet, get a lawyer for your kids and have him/her fight it on their behalf, since your son is likely to express as much to the lawyer.

Did you get a 50/50 arrangement?

If so, go dark as possible. Minimize your communications with her about the kids to only essential logistical things.

Also, 50/50 is a great deal. Offer to settle with her and make things final with that in the books. You'll save yourself thousands that will take years and years to pay off. It's been 3 years and I still pay on legal bills.

Request a clause that prohibits her from moving away. That's the biggest thing I wish I had done better in my settlement.

The fact is that once you guys are divorced she will have OM have to step in to take on the responsibility of instant family. Remove yourself from that equation and let that take its own course.

As time goes on you will likely learn to like your newly found freedom. It takes a while. It took about 3 years to just feel normal again. That's pretty normal.

Your son will reveal his emotions soon enough. The teen years aren't far off. I'm sure he'll share his feelings very openly and may even opt to live with you exclusively.

My advice is to give up dating for a good while after the D is final. I started right away and that was a huge mistake. The best thing that happened to me was that i fell for someone who was unavailable and didn't like me. The result was that I didn't date for a good 8 months and it was a very good break for me to have and to move on from.

The emotional carnage you're going through is worse than death. There is no real closure since you must be around her. Get in a group called DivorceCare. It is a good source of support. It really helped me recover.

Good advice as always.....my biggest problem is that I don't want it to be over.can not accept how another person can blow up there family's life over OM. I have read it here so often but I still cannot grasp how and why someone could do this. Then the scary thought comes......this is who I want to spend my life with....someone capable of this? Unfortunately the answer is still always yes.

DCN54,

Have come to the conclusion there is no hope.....though my son asks me all the time to keep trying.

So your DS who is 10 years old is being thrust into the role of marriage mediator, that is difficult to read, I can't even imagine how the OM could do this. When I was 16-18 I turned down married women ONLY because I thought of their children and didn't want that on me.

God Bless
Gamma

Back to court tomorrow to fight her exception to the support ruling. She has made a divorce offer that takes nothing into consideration except the house which she wants to keep. She was hoping to be divorced by the end of the month. I have decided and expressed to my attorney that after tomorrow I am taking a break.....I am not gonna do anything divorce wise until after the first of the year. I think a mental break would be good.

You deserve it I am so sorry you are in this situation. My prayers are with you.

Results of yesterday's court hearings....my money is secure though I may have to pay 2 months of support for when we were living together if that make sense.

Also the judge ordered mandatory marriage counseling of a minimum of 3 sessions....this is on top of the 6 joint parenting sessions.

Need advice....should I take this oppurtunity to try a plan A?
I am not sure continuing with a B makes sense during the counseling time

Follow the judge�s orders and participate. Not cooperating in a court order will hurt you in court. The counseling gives you an opportunity to bring up the affair and the fact that there is no chance to save your marriage so long as she�s having an affair.

The key in these hearings is to stay quiet and not react. Why do I say that? Because if you show emotion and anger, it will give credence to her arguments about you in court when they bring in the counselor to testify on things.

Be calm as if you were in a job interview because you are. All of these court folks talk to each other and pass on their observations to each other. So you MUST play the game in court. You participate, be calm, stick to your guns that the affair needs to end and that you get 50/50. Talk about the kids a lot and what is best for them.

Otherwise don�t let her bait you into a fight. YOU, as a man, will come off much worse. Be calm. Be James Bond.

Shared custody is secured. My thinking is that between the co-parenting class's and the marriage counseling.....court assigns the counselor..this may be an oppurtunity to put a plan A in operation. The only other outstanding issue we have right now is the house and the fact that it is in foreclosure. I still find it odd that she has yet to serve me divorce papers. Not sure if this is wishful thinking or not but I don't want to pass up an opputunity to get on a civil footing with her.

good advice

I can�t emphasize enough how important for you it is to be calm and show little anger. Don�t show ANY anger. Let her come off as entitled, moody, angry, and upset. You be Mr. Cool. Be above the fray. Recognize baits when you see them.

Look as if you�re reluctantly there and simply wish to get a fair agreement for yourself and your kids.

She hasn�t filed, which is indeed weird. The secret for you at this point is to show that you won�t cave into her demands for an amicable divorce. Fighting for 50/50 or even for primary custody, along with a settlement where you pay her nothing or as little as possible is often a cold dose of reality for the WW. Courts aren�t as unfair to fathers as it is made out to be. They�re fair when fathers are prepared, level headed, and know how to present themselves.

The reality is that if you start being Mr. Nice Guy with the idea that you�re in Plan A, you will simply play into her fantasy of the �amicable divorce�.

If instead you stick to your guns, you show strength. You don�t talk to her unless it is related to the kids or to your settlement. When she complains that things are unfair, agree with her. Tell her that is unfortunate she has chosen to go down this path since you�re willing to work on the marriage, but the choice is hers and these are the consequences. She may accuse you of being selfish, which warrants no response. Or, if you do choose to respond, you say, �I don�t want any of this. This is the result of your choices. Not mine. But I�m not simply going to roll over so you can live in fantasy land. I need to secure a future for myself and the kids since you are not willing to work on our marriage.�

Say it calmly, matter of fact like, as if you�re dealing with insurance paperwork.

Mortarman is a fine example of a man who dealt with the legal system and had his WW come to her senses when it became clear to her that there would be no fantasy divorce where she got everything, including the kids, and the left to have a wonderful life with OM while you paid for it all with a smile and the kids frolicked in fields around her with rainbows and bunnies in the background. That is what a WW typically thinks divorce will be like.

She�s not sitting on the other side of the table wondering if what she�s doing is right. She�s sitting there angry that you�re not going along with her plans of being friends while she cheats on you and that you�re not willing to support her through this.

She doesn�t see the consequences of what she�s doing because she hasn�t had any yet. Many women think everything will go their way in court because they�re women. It�s as common a misconception as men thinking everything will go against them.

Courts are fair to those that are prepared. So don�t sit there hoping she�s going to come to her senses. She�s not until she faces the cold hard reality of everything she�s going to lose. It takes hitting rock bottom for an addict to finally admit they have a problem.

So stick to your guns and be strong.

Thanks Help....pretty much the gameplan I have followed.
Court has gone extremely well for me to this date.
I just wasn't sure how to handle the joint counseling sessions.
Stay calm, cool, and collective which I have done for the most part.
I hope she does come to her senses......if not I know I will have done everything I could.

All you can do is control yourself and your own behavior. You have done everything you can. Right now is a time for tough love. That is your best friend. Again, Mortarman played hardball while sticking to his guns with his WW.

A wayward doesn't often file for anything unless it is in their interest to. My SIL is engaged to her OM, they have lived together for almost 5 years, they have 2 children together, and THEY ARE BOTH MARRIED TO OTHER PEOPLE. It just doesn't matter to them. Their BSs are also dating and no one has moved on anything.