Long story very short, my husband has been telling me he's divorcing me for 17 months but hasn't moved forward. We did have a brief time when he agreed to go to counseling with me, but quit after 5 sessions. He has been sleeping in the basement bedroom for 9 months. We have 2 daughters. I've tried anything and everything to convince him to re-engage and work on our marriage, but he refuses. I have been steadfast in wanting to keep our marriage and family together, in spite of a long history of lying, porn, and texting/flirting with other women on his end. Of course I'm not blameless and know I neglected our marriage for many years while putting the kids first.

He now says he's "no longer married" and won't wear his ring. We live completely separate lives, but he sleeps here I believe because he doesn't want to be away from the kids (even though he's hardly ever here). I have been trying to "love him back" by showing him how I've changed and being kind even while he rejects me, but after so many months I'm worn out. I don't feel peace about filing for divorce myself yet, but I do want to let go of the hope of reconciliation and move on emotionally. I want to quit hoping he'll call and quit analyzing everything he says and does to look for glimmers of hope. I want to disconnect from him as he has from me so I'm not in constant pain. Any suggestions? Thank you!

It's a tough thing... I don't have much experience with this but I doubt you're going to get much peace and disconnect while he's living under the same roof and you see him everyday. I'm starting an in house "separation" so to speak myself and it's tough; only been a week. Don't know how you've done this for 17 months.

My heart goes out to you. All of that stress cannot be good for you or the children. If you've already done Plan A, it's time for Plan B in order to protect your love for him, but you can't do that under the circumstances. Perhaps a choice is in order...either he be willing to work on the marriage, or leave, this sitting on the fence is unfair to your mental and emotional health and that of your kids.

Have you seen a counselor or an attorney for suggestions/options?

Thanks kaycstamper. I have asked him to leave several times over the months, but he says he won't leave "his house that he pays for". I could take my kids and stay with my parents, but that's just so traumatic for them. It may have to happen though for him to be pushed in one direction or the other. I just don't know what to do...he seems to have all the control.

Yes, I have seen a counselor a couple times, but of course she won't just tell me what to do like I'd like. I did also see several lawyers in Sept. because my husband told me he was filing for divorce "next week" at the end of August. I did find one I'm comfortable with, so at least I know who I'm calling if he ever does file. They all say there's no way to force my husband to leave, unless we're divorcing and I get a court order for temporary residence of the home.

I wonder if he's having an affair, at least an emotional one, but haven't had the energy to hire a P.I. since he wants out anyway. I spent months snooping his cell phone and he now has me blocked from the online access. I'm just worn out of it all.

Have you tried installing a keylogger? As for the "it's his house that he pays for", the law might see it differently if it comes to a divorce. He is beating you down so he can get what he wants. Right now you're seeing reasons you can't do things instead of looking for solutions and things you can do. Consider and explore options.
Counselors don't tell you what to do, they provide tools for you to use (communication skills, etc.) and help you think things through so YOU can make your decisions. They are often good at explaining why you do/think like you do.
Let's operate on the premise, right now, that perhaps he is having an affair. Most husbands do not just quit their marriage if they don't have someone else involved. This section doesn't get as much response as the infidelity section, so please ask a moderator to move this thread to that section so you can get some help from the experts here. There are some who can really walk you through finding the information you need so you can know how to proceed.

My husband doesn't use the PC at home. He uses one at work (history of porn use there) or his new best friend, his iphone, which is carefully guarded by a password. I have considered putting a VAR in his car. If I did discover an EA or PA, it wouldn't matter to him since he wants out anyway. I suppose I could then have the peace of mind to file first though and be able to expose my reason for doing so. I just really want to mentally get to the point where I don't care anymore. He has proven in many ways to be void of any honor or character. You're right Kaycstamper, he has beaten me down to where I don't want to fight for my marriage anymore. I've done all I can do.

The iPhone thing, yes, he's probably having an affair. If you are in a no-fault state, your right in that it doesn't matter much legally. But you need to find out if you are or not. It's time to hire that lawyer. You need to file a separation agreement and a use an possession for your home. HE didn't pay for it, you BOTH did, regardless of who did what regarding finances verses raising the children. That's the lay of the law in all states and he doesn't get to rewrite the law in yours.

He needs to be out asap. You need to guide your lawyer as to your needs and your kids needs. Don't be afraid to be assertive with what you want from your lawyer. If he's gone to a lawyer, he might have already found out that he will either need to buy you out of the family home one way or another, and that you actually share rights to it, no matter how the final settlement works. He may just be waiting you out so he doesn't get hit with abandonment charges, and perhaps, hoping you will leave so you can get hit with them instead. Again, talk to a lawyer and have him draw up a separation agreement. Once an agreement is made, either party is free to leave and abandonment comes off the table. He may be more open to leave then. If not, you should consider leaving instead. The tension you have for each other is probably already affecting the kids and will continue to do so in the future.

Plus, with a stronger no-contact in place, he will get a glimpse of what he is missing. And a separation agreement is not the same as filing for a divorce. You can sit on it for a while without moving forward with a D, giving everyone a time to get acclimated.

Hmmm, I've spoken with several lawyers and none have mentioned a separation agreement. I have asked about a legal separation, but that is as expensive as a divorce and everything has to be redone if we divorce in the future so it's not practical or affordable. Is a separation agreement different than a formal legal separation? I would love to find a way to make him leave. As it is, he's living his "single" life and coming home to sleep. I am only working part time though so the whole financial aspect of a divorce (or separation) is scary. I'm getting to the point where I'd rather move in with my parents (and my kids of course) than continue letting him treat me like this. The transformation is interesting...until recently I was doing everything in my power to avoid a divorce, then they wear you down to the point where it doesn't sound so awful anymore.

I'm no lawyer and laws differ, but I've just been thru it all and will do my best with your questions from my experience.

A legal separation is simply a state of being with a start date. You are legally separated in the eyes of the law of your state. No agreements or arrangements are necessarily attached. In my state (MD), the eyes of the law said we had to live in separate households and not have had sex to be legally separated. The date of the last occurrence of either of the those two stipulations was the date of which we were "legally" separated. No lawyers or filings were required.

A separation agreement is what temporary financial support, living arrangements, custody and visitation, personal property division, etc. that the two of you mutually agree upon until either A. Divorce is final, or B. You decide to reconcile. Those decisions don't encompass all of the decisions that would go into a divorce, and are all subject to rewrite. But they carry you thru the time being.

Since no divorce is immediate (anything but), I know of no one who went through a divorce who didn't come to some sort of separation agreement in the mid term. What and how much you actually "agree" upon varies. Some of what you cannot agree upon has to be decided ultimately by a judge if it comes to litigation (the most expensive route) or via negotiations between the lawyers (the more common route, but still darned expensive).

BTW, the LEAST expensive way to get a separation agreement and divorce is for the two of you to agree between yourselves, the second least expensive way is to come to an agreement via a mediator.

That being said, I don't know of any way around a separation agreement until your divorce is final, and am not sure why you were told that having one is twice as expensive as getting a divorce. I suppose it can be if you have a poor lawyer. Heck, every legal proceeding that involves a lawyer costs money. But if you tried to get a separation agreement of some sort without going thru a lawyer and got shot down, I'm not sure what options you have.

To some degree, what is being agreed upon in the separation agreement will be incorporated into the divorce agreement, so some of the groundwork is already laid when you get to that point. Other points of the agreement are not set in stone and are only temporary, to be decided thru negotiation or litigation at a later date.

Best of luck!

Personally, I think YOU should file for a divorce...usually the one who files has the leading hand. I don't understand why HE hasn't filed since he doesn't seem to want the marriage. If he wants to know why you're filing you could tell him you need to protect yourself legally and can't afford a legal separation AND then a divorce...divorces can be stopped at any given point too. It would stop his cake eating and maybe help him see the seriousness of his choices. He seems to think he can just ride on indefinitely. You are not the one who has broken this marriage, he has, this would just bring on the consequences of his choices and actions.

Anyone else's opinion???

Thanks Kaycstamper. I have considered filing myself, but a couple factors hold me back. I am not in a good place financially with working only part time, and I know he would tell our kids, his family, and everyone that I filed and put the blame on me. Sometimes I wonder if this isn't his strategy - make me miserable enough that I file and look like the bad guy. I would love to show him that his actions and decisions have consequences, but I just don't know if I have the guts to do it. I think I'm getting closer though.

Well, I do agree with kaycstamper. It's just hard for me to give that advice I guess. But all she (he?) said makes sense to me. As for the financial, this is where a separation agreement comes into play while you file. When you file, even for the big d, there is a temporary interim agreement. I was destitute. Still am, but somehow managing to pay the bills. If there is any way you can work it out, even if the kids know they need to eat chicken 3x a week an tighten their belts with mom while Disney dad shows them the time of there lives, it's worth it to make the clean break.

You could be right about him wanting you to file. Wanting to tell the inlaws it was you, etc. Mine did the same thing. Have you communicated to them what's going on? Take my advice on this, this IS advice I am very confident in dishing out. Let them know your husband does not want to be married anymore and a divorce is looming. Respectfully and without loads of gory details.

Sadly, I see this rationale far too often. My reaction is one that I learned (the hard way) years ago: It's none of my business what other people think of me.

This thinking gives far too little credit to people. Over time, people can see through the B.S. and to the truth. Oh sure, there will be some who might side with the other person regardless of reason, but why would you want to stay in their good graces after that, anyway?

Kids -- most of all -- aren't taken by the deceptions attempted by adults. How could they be? They're closest to it all in every way shape and form.

Do what you know is the right thing to do, and don't worry about what others might think.

Thanks Fellspointmom and Fred. I have had a couple conversations with my mother-in-law. I thought they would tell their son he needs to do whatever is necessary to fix his marriage and family, but instead they just want him to be "happy". It's amazing how people can turn out to be so different than you think they are! My kids are 16 and 13, so they are seeing their dad's behavior for what it is, but would still be devastated by a divorce. It would just be easier to tell them their dad is divorcing me...even though in reality he divorced me long ago. At the same time, we can't live like this forever.

I asked him last night if the reason he's still here is because he has a tiny bit of hope that things can change. He said no, he has no hope and no intention of ever being my husband. He is here only to be near the kids. I asked him how long he plans to stay and he said he doesn't know. I ended up telling him he needs to move forward with his divorce then and he said "ok"...like he always says. Why go through the hassle and expense of a divorce when he can live his single lifestyle and come home to sleep in his basement bedroom? Ugh...how does someone do this to the person they promised to love and protect forever?

Thanks for your encouragement - I appreciate it!

Well, at least your MIL knows who is ending the marriage. She can't pass judgment on you for filing. As for the kids, I used it as a lesson that if a person, ANY person, is not treating you the right way, it's ok to leave. You should be good to yourself first, no matter what. That helped when I filed.

If you can help yourself, stop asking/seeking hope, it hurts, right? The person who vowed to love and protect you is essentially dead so asking the "how does..." question will only hurt too. He lied and betrayed you. He's not in your corner anymore so you have to protect yourself instead. Sooooo sorry you are going through this horrible harsh reality. Lot's of hugs to you! Remind yourself that people do actually survive, and thrive after divorce. But it's a lot of pain so be good to yourself. And get a few good books on divorce from the library.

It's time to hire that lawyer and take some control over what you can.

Too bad you don't have his conversations recorded.

However, it really doesn't matter what other people think. Do the right thing for you and the kids. Let the chips fall where they may. Do not badmouth him to the kids, but rest assured that kids are not stupid and they will figure their dad out all in due time. Keep in mind that it may be easy for them to see what's wrong with their dad, but it may be more difficult for them to see good in him...you may need to point out some good (in time).

Are you doing okay? Haven't heard anything for a couple of weeks...let us know how it's going.

Thanks Keystamper. I'm doing ok, still just can't figure out what to do I guess. We were planning to go to my parents' house for Thanksgiving like we do every year (Easter with his family), when right before it was time to go my husband announced he wasn't coming and left to go be with his parents instead. We hadn't even talked that morning so there was no argument or anything. I caught him telling my daughter that he feels "judged" by my parents so he wasn't going. Nice. I took my shell-shocked girls to my parents' house anyway and we tried to have a nice day. He SHOULD feel uncomfortable around my parents since he has told them both he no longer wants me, but doing that to the girls at the last minute was cruel.

He said he won't be coming to Christmas Day with my family either, which will be interesting since it's at our house.

Filing for divorce scares me to death, but I can't live like this either. The man I married truly no longer exists and this person is horrible. I've read so much about how divorce affects kids forever (especially teenagers) and then wonder if I should just try to hang in until they graduate. But most days that just seems impossible.

SH,

One of my best friends told me that his parents got divorced just after he moved out of the house. In fact, the divorce was final while he was in boot camp for the Coast Guard. That was 13 years ago and I can see it still affects him in profound ways; he has sold me numerous times he wishes his parents hadn't stuck it out for him and his brothers because he felt like it felt WORSE that they waited. That's his perspective but I always have that in the back of my mind when I think about this stuff; perhaps waiting until they're out of the house is not the best option for anyone.

Travis

Yeah, it seems that there are no good options. We're stuck trying to figure out which is the "lesser evil" and that's what's scary.