the OW asks nothing of him she is so easy to be with never any demands or complaining - she thinks Im great

this was in the book!

Hang in there mom,
Your husband is in the middle of his fog infested world, just go through the motions for now, do all the things you have been doing, Being the woman that he fell in love with, understanding his emotions.....looking good.
Give him his freedom if that is what he wants, let him really feel what his decision will give him in the end.....
He will lose his life and you and the children......for someone that is just a fantasy. When she has to be all those things to him that you have been giving him. Watch how fast things fall apart......
If he thinks this is a lot of work, wait till he has to try to fit into her life.
Take care of you and the kids......be firm tell him his relationship is unacceptable to you and that you can't continue your relationship with him while he is still involved with her........
Mom he isn't yours now anyway......the sooner you make him do his self reflection the sooner the fog will lift......
I'd say plan on Thansgiving and Xmas without him......it's a great time of year for him to really feel the fact that his family will be gone from his life because of his decisions......
don't believe anything he says, take control of your life and don't worry what he is doing............
good luck

so ws just emailed me regarding getting the realtor over here. he's moving on. why am i bothering? really? why am i bothering?

Mom,
Look just agree, I know this is hard, but this is a reality for him as well, anything can be reversed........when I went through this, I also went to the bank changed all the accounts, credit cards...........drew up the separation agreement ......forced his hand.......I just said if you want out I need to protect myself, we were set to split, all he had to do was move out of the family home where the kids and I would remain. He would be the one that moved on to a new place with the woman he claimed he wanted a life with.........
Guess what when he actually was free to go he didn't want to anymore.....I think for the first time he could see what he was giving up and he didn't like the future for himself anymore..........
Keep in mind while I took care of the details of our split he was telling me he loved this woman and he didn't love me...............Mom they all spew that fog babble until the reality hits them square in the face.......
Show him the strength you have inside, then scream in the car while you are driving this is what I did............It's tough to get through this stage......
Have you gone to an attorney, start making separation agreements so your interests are taken care of......It will impower you...........if it doesn't work between the two of you, you will at least feel like not your whole world is falling apart........
hang in there mom, remember big picture, any decision can be reversed, you can always remarry, anything can happen mom.

Mom....I'm sorry for what you are going through, but I feel I must say you have got to get some anger into you and stop being victimized by your H! You are taking punch after punch and coming back for more.

You can't control him, he's essentially gone right now. He's using you for an emotional punching bag and you are staying around for more. Get him out of your house for your own sanity. This man doesn't love you right now, you hanging on isn't going to change that. Let him go. You will be better off and he will have to live in his fantasy world and see how that works. Loving someone (and he isn't that old person right now)is not an excuse for letting yourself be emotionally brutalized. Sometimes what we think we want isn't good for us.

I'm also very concerned that you handed over total financial control to your H when he's got more than one foot out the door. Go back to your attorney and get something started to require your H to support you and your kids. He's not entitled to 100% of your assets. The longer you let him have this money unrestricted, the more time he has to move it around where it'll be very difficult to get to.

You are focusing on him instead of you and your kids. Kick him to the curb.

There you go - lots of good advice from the veterans - start the process of getting him out of the house!

Mom, I know you're going through a terrible time. This will be undoubtedly the worst thing you will ever experience. But I think that I would put these thoughts to your daughter in a journal instead of projecting them to her.

I know she's a great, strong woman. But she'll always be your little girl. Maybe put your negative feelings in a private journal and communicate your positive ones to her?

This is why counselling during an affair is basically worthless. The wayward will rewrite history and compile a list of everything - real or imagined - that you have done over the years in order to 'justify' their affair.

He's in a fog. What do you want to do, mom? If you don't want to sell the house, tell him you don't. Do you want to?

He's got control of all of your financial assets, now he wants to take your home from under you. Stop trying to appeal to him or appease him and start taking care of yourself and protecting yourself from his actions.

He doesn't care about you right now. If you don't look out for your future interests, who will? Don't place your future in his hands......you'll regret it even more than losing your marriage.

See a counselor today about emergency support. TODAY.
You can fight for your marriage with a position of financial security.

I am sad to say, but it sounds like the H you knew is gone. You have to brace yourself to that reality, then decide how you are going to move forward.

Does not mean that this marriage can not be recovered.

Just not at this moment.
Keep reading and posting.

He is taking advantage of you.

My 2 cents:

You need to read SAA over and over and over again. Once a day at least. It centers you. Each time you have a light bulb moment you didn't before. It is a plan that takes a while to truly get, if ever....as I said, increasingly light bulbs go off as you read it and are ready to understand a piece of it.

Your Taker is pissed big time. I see that in your posts and yet your Giver is giving him more power than he should have at this point having put you into the pot of stew of betrayel.

Get money, asked for lovingly in your name only. "I feeeeel so (bat eyelashes) vul-ner-able right now. I neeeeeed funds that only I can access if the worse of the worse were to happen to me(eyelashes batted, gulp and heave of womanly bosom thrusted)"

Tell him you aren't selling the home afterall. It is your haven for now and perhaps in the future you will reconsider (womanly vulnerablitily shown softly but firmly again)

You will not continue with the pastor for now. He doesn't help you work through your own issues (bat eyes here, a bit of a quivering lip)

Meanwhile, move toward a plan B, unbeknownst to WH.

Find a IM. Write a gorgeous love letter (B letter), get funds set up, call attorney for advice over the phone. I got lots of free phone advice, didn't pay a cent as I 'shopped around'. Lots of a attorneys have a few free moments and love talking about how it works and want your business if you need to do legal stuff.

You can get through this. Stop having expectations from moment to moment in anything but YOU. You need to expect that you can get through this situation with grace, with strength and it WILL truck on into the future and YOU are there for YOU.

"mom"

You have alot of advice to digest but if you find you are in panic mode and angry its time to tell him to leave - ignore the realtor request and any other financial request. If you can somehow squeeze him for a "security" fund right now do it!

although it sounds like he has taken control from you re $$$$

Take deep breaths when you are angry before speaking!

You have minor children. Nobody (judge) is going to make you sell their home. He's in for a big wake-up call. Get yourself to an attorney to reassure yourself of the rights you have.
What state are you in?

Ha. Waywards are stupid.

Send back: I'm not moving. Don't need a realtor...

agree with marital, i wouldn't send that letter to daughter. i was just picturing her helplessly crying while reading it. i say a journal is best.

Mom, both of your daughter's parents appear to be dissolving in front of her eyes when she gets these emails from you. Please don't confide in her again, okay? SOMEONE has to be strong, here. Your H isn't going to cut it. It's going to have to be you. Be that strong mom.

hi, quick update, calling p i to get gps on vehicle(ws's honey back from out of country work jaunt but may leave after thanksgiving holiday again)
up and down rollercoaster ride from h * l l with ws. some really good moments lately(bible devotion, discussions, met with christian mentor couple from church who help couples in crisis) some really bad times-asked ws to show me "new" checking acct, he refused. however, he has paid bills twice with me sitting beside him, transferred plenty of money into our family checking. downnote: on sat, mail delivered a beautiful jewelry catalogue from city jeweler i have never heared of-ws's name and our address on back. not a random mailing, so with p i's help, have to figure out how to get info about jeweler(did ws buy something? i can't imaginen he'd sign up on a mailing list and it's a jeweler close to his office, not close, but nowhere near our hometown) so that was a real blow and sort of a nail in the coffin for me.
i have calmed down considerably emotionally, pouring it on thick, but anytime i "mess up" according to ws, he says we are back to square one. i told him he has impossible expectations and i cannot be "perfect" all of the time, that this is a work in progress. since ow has been away, definitely seen a change in ws, coming toward me a bit, less angry(at me for ruining his "plans"?)
he still says, "i haven't left....yet". i have been working on ME, first therapy session, reading books on boundaries, abandonment, MY issues. ws no longer going to wacky therapist of his own. i asked him on sat a.m. to please move out-he refused. i found out our best friend lent him thousands, so the money is in the bank for him to move out, so why won't he? must be my girlish charm! down 29 lbs, 2 sizes, lookin' like a fine mama and parading it around for ws to take in sometimes
overall, i am feeling MUCh stronger and know that i have NO control over ws's behavior or decisions. i do feel kind of FREE and hope this feeling continues. if ws leaves, he leaves. i am hoping gps provides info.
ow is back from other country, will see how ws's demeanor is the next 3 days before the holiday.
oh, last friday night he went out for drinks with co-workers. i said fine and said nothing sat when we discussed. he thinks he needs to have more than superficial relationships with co-workers in order to have a "strong and performing team" ha! whatever.
my college son(who is a total honey) is home through the new year-more help with the younger kids, a little more room to breathe.
thanks for being here. needed that little break for reflection, prayer and myself

You are doing well. Sounds like you are getting the right ideas, information and help.

Keep reading and posting.

so i continue to NOT lb(mostly and ws came home from work tuesday evening, we had a date for dinner planned and quickly announced to me, "i talked to ow(or whom i suspect it is) and told her i wanted us to go to dinner with her and her husband". i said, "sure". he said "I want to put this thing about S to rest and if you meet here, you will see that there is nothig going on". so today i asked him to pick a spot we can meet...
so, gps goes onto his vehicle on sunday and he's home for the holiday weekend. i continue to try and meet his needs, he is doing ok, responding but not initiating anything(but he never really did before either). i still have a gut feeling about "stuff".
I swear i think i'm cookoo half the time-but then i think of all the strange facts and know i am not.
my neighbor(and friend)'s husband received the same jewelry catalogue so i guess it was just a local mailing...

ok, gps was installed last night. ws sends me email today listing the 17 things he has done to work on our relationship. mind you-whatever i do is discounted, if i commit one LB, he takes me right back to the starting gate and gently reminds me(because he doesn't yell anymore) that I SUCK.
i am ready to bawl. he has a blackberry and laptop password protected thru work-at this rate, i am never going to catch him. should i ask him to leave? i did 10 days ago and he said no, it would upset the kids too much(ha! the older 3 hardly speak to him and are so worn out from the tension in the house)
i don't understand-i don't think i am going to find concrete evidence to expose. what am i supposed to do?
i am too soft, ws controls....our conversations, how i feel about myself, how he is suddenly sooo much more in touch with his feelings.
why the freak won't he leave? cuz he has nowhere to go? so i have to live with this rat until we sell our home(which we are listing after the holidays)
i have read saa, i have read plan a, i am not that good at this i guess.
ws says he is struggling because he "doesn't feel close to me"...
i am tempted to stay the h*ll away from him. my nerves and heart are wearing very thin.
ps all a gps will do is show me where he's been. still big flipping deal.
we are seeing the christian mentoring couple tomorrow evening. it's worthless right? although ws and i were doing our daily devotional last night and i read from a book about having a hardened heart(which ws admits having towards me-the last 28 yrs sucked, etc etc)and now ws says he wants to fast and pray so he can forgive ME...
sorry i am far less articulate than some posters who mimic my thoughts and feelings better than i can myself. i feel like a gerbil on a wheel, getting very tired of going round and round and round.
someone please advise or encourage