I can say at this point that she is definitely in some state of denial and likely some withdrawl too. Not withdrawal for anyone in particular but rather for the feeling she was getting. That's the only reason she did what she did last Saturday night. She wanted that feeling again.

Over the past two days she has become much more like she was a couple of weeks ago. Happy with where we are going and remorseful over what she has done. We have agreed to not talk about everything until after Thanksgiving. We both need a break. And I think maybe I was pushing things too hard. My daily emails to her with articles off MB and just some of my thoughts were taken as me rubbing it in her face day after day after day. We need a few days to just be "normal" relax and enjoy life.

As for my boundaries I am trying to be respectful of her feelings and not touch on triggers as often as I have been. I am also being 100% transparent on who I am talking to and what is being said. She had herself convinced that I was going around telling everyone in town what a whore she was. Ones that need to know have been told and those that don't need to know do not matter to me at this point.

I had a really bad attitude about everything for a few days but I think we're doing ok again. I'm prepared for a few rough points throughout this process. What I wasn't prepared for was seeing her drift back to her old ways so quiskly and easily. Day by day and issue by issue. That's the way I'm looking at everything.

It is okay to lay off the MB talk day in and day out. You should set limits to when you are going to talk about it.

I do have a bit of a problem with what you posted. You said What does THIS mean? It sounds like YOU are trying not to upset HER. THAT is not what should be happening. You shouldn't be intentionally going out to hurt her, but if there are things about her affair that bother HER, then she needs to deal with it. You can't and SHOULDN'T protect her from the consequences of her actions. YOU are the one in the ER. SHE did this.

Can you get her here?

DT, I think there is confusion on what we mean when we ask you what your boundaries for recovery are. We are not asking what you are doing to entice her to stay in the M, rather what YOU will accept/not accept in M, especially given that she has shown her wayward tendencies repeatedly...

Here is a post on boundaries that I have seen Mulan post. I am not sure who the author is:

*****
A boundary is not defined as "something I don't like."

A boundary is defined as "something I will defend no matter what."

A very common question is, "How do I enforce a boundary? How do I make my spouse stop lying, how do I make my spouse stop dating OP, how do I make my spouse start taking care of our family instead of someone else's?"

The answer is: You don't.

Trying to "make" people do the things listed above is not enforcing a boundary. It's control, it's manipulation, it's laying down demands, etc. etc. etc.

And none of it works.

The answer to the question, "How Do I Enforce A Boundary?" is virtually always the same:

You remove yourself from the situation. You stop allowing the boundary trespasser to have any access to you at all.

This is what's meant by, "You can't control others. You can only control yourself."

You can't "make" your spouse stop lying to you - but you can remove yourself from their presence and no longer allow them around you until they do.

You can't "make" your spouse stop dating OP - - but you can remove yourself from their presence and no longer allow them around you until they do.

You can't "make" your spouse take care of your family instead of someone else's - but you can remove yourself from their presence and no longer allow them around you until they do.

Get the idea now?

Boundaries are for *you*. They are to protect you from people who would do you harm. They are NOT about "making" others do anything. They are about protecting *YOU*.

Castle walls don't make the invaders stop their cruel and destructive attitudes - but they do protect you from their intrusion.

Boundaries are castle walls.

And as far as anger goes, you will find that good boundaries will make much of it go away. Good boundaries really do make RAGE dissipate, because anger + fear = rage. Good boundaries keep you safe, and when you are safe, fear goes away. You will certainly have some righteous anger left, sure, but the RAGE will fade away because there is no longer the fear hanging around to fuel it.
*****

I am reading up on boundaries to add that to our discussion list for after Thanksgiving. I need to understand that concept fully before I step off into that talk.

One thing I thought was very interesting last week - she was complaining about the fact that I hadn't finished a trim project that was started when we moved 6 years ago. It's a small project that I just haven't taken the time to do and I know I need to. The part that got me though was she said me not completing that project told her that I didn't care about what she wanted or thought was important and that I must not love her or I would care more about doing that stuff.

While I agree that this may be making some significant LB withdrawals in her view of me, doesn't this sound like what I read here referred to as "fogbabble"? I have a hard time finding a relevant way to tie a trim project to her having multiples affairs. Is she diverting the blame? Trying to move the emphasis off her and onto me? Or am I missing something here?

Yes, of course that's what she is doing.
Think of it this way - humans either choose to own their sins and mistakes or blame them on someone else. Waywards don't usually choose to own it themselves, because that is a very painful process.... although it would lead towards true self-actualization.
However, blaming it on someone else (always the BS) creates cognitive dissonance for them. So, unconsciously, their brain begins to think up all kinds of possible reasons why it IS the BS's fault - so anything that can be used as ammunition goes in the hopper.

This is no way to live, and at some point the WS is going to realize that - or spend a life very miserable, blaming everyone else for their mistakes.

So don't take it personally. She's just babbling to make herself feel better.

There are some great vets who have great strategies to reverse-fog talk or at least not let it get to you as much (MelodyLane, Pepperband, JustLearning, and ForeverHers spring to mind immediately). Maybe they will (or already HAVE) chime in here.

Good luck.
Arpeggi

Fogbabble, psycho-babble....whatever the term its something to deal with that I wasnt prepared for really. Actually I wasnt prepared for any of this. Finding out about her affairs, then admitting to my posing as her "virtual boyfriend" to get information out of her and now being told that I am to blame for a lot of her actions......its a lot to have to overcome all at once. Thats why Im trying to take this one piece at a time. Lets deal with the infidelity issues first then work on my part in this afterwards.

I dont want to make this sound like she isnt accepting her share of the blame because she is. But I dont think she realizes that shes deflecting the blame back on me to make herself feel better. Hopefully I can get her on here soon and she will begin to understand where Im coming from.