Thats a great idea about listening to it in the car. We used to just drive around all the time, but as we have gotten involved in jobs and now with our DD we seem to not have much time. I think we need to make some time together to just go drive and I will have that CD with us to listen to. I'll first discuss it with him so im not springing it on him while riding around, I know that will be a big no no.

Yes, you are smart people, but your best thinking has ruined your marriage. psc, I would take this plan to him and try to influence him to use it in it's entirety. The basic problem is that just fiddling around the edges won't save your marriage. As an example, Dr Harley straight out says without 15+ hours per week of UA, "my program doesn't work!" So you can do a little need meetin here and there and it will be of no effect if you aren't doing it all.

Do you have the book Fall in Love, Stay in Love? I think if you got that book and read it so you can understand it, that you could sell it to your husband. What do you think?

Smart people don't know everything. Smart people are smart enough to know when to go get information that will help them. Surely he knows this?

Ok so yesterday we talked about what we want to happen with our M. H is all on board with a plan if he doesnt have to look at a website, read a book, or talk to a counselor....:(

I did learn some things though. H feels like I rushed him to get married. We had been engaged for 3 1/2 yrs when we got married. He wasnt ready. I didnt know that. At the time I was all ready to get married and start a family. I didnt think about money, a house, jobs or anything like that. All I wanted was to be married to him. H was worried about having a house and steady jobs before we started a family and so we did wait quite a while after we married to even think about that. He realizes now that that stuff really doesnt matter as much as he thought. He still feels that we werent ready.

I have had problems with communication during our marriage. I had felt like when I tried to talk about things important to me, he would get upset and it would start an arguement..so I stopped trying. That is my fault and we both realize the importance of communication now. I am learning how to stay calm and not cry everytime we talk and how to get my point across with out getting him all upset.

H said yesterday he thinks we started SF again too soon. He doesnt want me getting my hopes up if he cant get past his feelings. I told him that it is important to me and to us getting closer. He understands, but isnt ready too much. He feels like everytime he tries to stay away he is weak and comes back and we jump back in the bed too soon and things dont get resolved.

He did say he would follow a plan to help us out. I dont know how to have a plan with out having him on board with the ideas here. It seems pretty one sided, but it is a start. Maybe im fooling myself, but any small positive change I am building on. He is still pretty angry and until he can see things are getting better between us, im pretty sure he wont want to read much. He did say if I could find a story about someone that has recovered that has a situation like ours, he would read it. I am checking out stories if anyone knows some to read, I would appreciate the point in that direction. I know every situation is different, but after reading posts here, some things are VERY similar.

PSC, this is what I am detecting that bothers me so much and I am sure it bothers him too. You don't talk about actually BEING in love with your H, but in only making him FEEL loved.

I don't get any sense that you are in love with him. I read that almost every time I read your posts. If I can see it over the internet, I am sure he can too. What is being done to help you FALL IN LOVE with him?

Here is a good place to start. His getting upset and arguing with you is a LOVEBUSTER that needs to stop. So it is up to you to explain to him how this affects your love for him. Everytime you have an argument about something, it diminishes the love in your marriage a little more. But he won't know that unless you are RADICALLY honest.

When you talk about things that are bothering you are you doing so respectfully? I would make sure you are. A complaint is an irritation in a bad marriage but an opportunity for improvement in a good marriage. When you want to talk to him it should never result in an argument or cause you to cry.


Right. Things don't get resolved because there is no PLAN. No plan is a plan for failure.


Tell him nothing is going to change unless he changes and you change. It will take both of you to change. It sounds like the first step for HIM is eliminate his lovebusters so I would start by asking him to read the book. If he wants to change the marriage, he is going to have to do some work here.

Melody, I do love my husband. If I don't show it here its one thing, but I am trying to show my husband. I will admit, the past few years has been very hard for me. I haven't done what I needed to on my side of the recovery and My H is suffering. If I could, I would spend every waking moment with him. When we are together I want to cuddle up with him, hold his hand, and feel him close to me. At night I want to fall asleep on him, not halfway across the bed. I want to be included in everything he does, at home or at work. Because of my actions in the past he doesn't feel my love either. I'm wrong for this, at the same time I don't feel like he wants my touch or my company. I realize my actions now aren't making him feel my love or that our marriage is right. He doesn't initiate any contact right now, I am though.

I know love isn't about all physical touch, but I do know that is very important to both of us. My H also wants to know I am behind him and that I defend him. That is something I haven't done enough in the past and he tells me this all the time. Anyone who would put my H down now isn't someone I want to be around. At work I am always talking about how wonderful he is and if I meet someone who is associated with his job I am always talking about him and how great he is. I do come home and tell him who I talked to and let him know I am proud of him. He has a very dangerous job and I haven't done a good job of letting him know just how much I worry about him or how proud of what he does I really am. He hates his job sometimes and I want to tell him to quit and find something else, but I feel that if I did he would take it as I hate his job. I don't hate it but I want to see him happy. I will support him in any thing he does. When he talks about transferring to a new position, I ask questions about it and tell him that if it is what he wants to do I will be behind him in his decision. I want to see him happy at work not hate it.

On the other hand, I need to feel wanted too. Sometimes I feel he doesn't want me around and wants to be married to me but not let people know. Sometimes it's like he is fine as long as we stay home. I have told him this and he said it's not the case.

I have alot of work on my part. I do love him and want everyone to see it.

That is not the same as being IN LOVE in a romantic sense. That is what I mean when I say "in love." A person who is in love does not have to be prodded to show it. You have to be prodded and reminded. It is like some bad task that you try to do but forget, like remembering to take out the trash. Did you have to be prodded and reminded to "show love" when you were dating and madly in love?

No I didnt have to be prodded, and I dont feel that I have to now either. When I look at my H I see a wonderful, loving, handsom man that I am proud to say is MY husband. I get all excited inside when we do things together, no matter what it is. I dont have a sense of duty to be close to him, I want to be close to him. I dont feel like anything I do is out of necessity, it is my love for him. If I sound like all I want is to make him feel loved, that is one of the things he has said he doesnt feel from me. My being in love with him is real.

My H feels like we have lost those feelings too and isnt sure if he can get it back. I havent picked up the book "Fall in Love, Stay in Love", that is what I am doing after work tonight. I would like to read it with my H. I dont know if it will be something he is open to, but I can try.