I am very thankful to have found this website as I had no one else to turn to when I was searching for answers. Here's a synopsis of what happened to me (us):

H, a government worker,was deployed for almost 3 years. He was able to come home on R&Rs 4 times a year, so we were fortunate. We enjoyed our times together and, after 30 years of marriage, believed we had a wonderful thing going with great hopes for our future together. We still enjoyed great sex and we're both in good shape. In June, he found out his next assignment after deployment was to be on a remote island in the Atlantic. He was very unhappy about this, thinking I would never join him there. I had a successful bookkeeping business, family, friends, little grandchildren and was fully enjoying a wonderful life, even while missing my husband. I told him I would join him, and he was ecstatic. We started making our plans. I did not want to move, because I had spent my entire life moving, but I wanted to be with him. H returned for his final R&R and we were able to buy a home that would give us an anchor to return to in Southern California. We were both very pleased about this and looked forward to living in it one day, renting it out meanwhile. He went back to Iraq while I started the work of sorting things out for our overseas move. H returned home in mid-Sep, withdrawn and melancholy. Couldn't function sexually with me for a couple of weeks. We finally had everything packed up, my life dismantled, said some heartbroken goodbyes to our D (29) SIL (34) and three darling grandchildren and flew off to this remote island. Took 3 flights and almost 24 hours to get here.

The withdrawn mood continued and I got the impression he wasn't so happy to have me here. One day, after we had been here for maybe 2 weeks, still in the hotel, I had to jump onto his office computer to finish something I was doing. H was on the sales floor and the computer was up. I couldn't help but see the open email he had left on the monitor. It was very steamy and graphic, and I realized with horror and pain that my H had been having a PA with someone back in Iraq. When confronted with the email, H confessed and said he had no plans ever to return with me to California. Nor would he ever see the children or family again. I was stunned. He was so happy with everything just a few months ago. He said I could have the house and all the money. He was going to homestead with this woman, his "soul mate" and start a new life with her. That she was more fun than I was and he enjoyed more interests with her than with me.

That was about two weeks ago, and since then life has been a roller coaster. Because we are so remotely located, the two books I ordered from Amazon as some sort of assistance haven't arrived (takes a couple of weeks.) There are no bookstores with English titles and I hadn't met anyone yet to discuss such a sensitive thing. Went to the chapel so I could talk with someone there and get some help and a shoulder to weep on. The chaplain helped me pull myself together and advised me strongly to keep my dignity and self-respect and at this time, to be cordial and as reasonably pleasant as possible in order to keep from pushing H further away. I was able to do this, which completely disarmed and surprised H. Chaplain also said no contact with OW, at least for six weeks until we could see things more clearly. Little by little, it seems he has been able to see his way back from his infatuation with OW and apparently is very ashamed of the pain and hurt he has caused. Thankfully, the OW is far far away and very unlikely to come to this distant island, so that part was simple enough. This is H's first PA, although he had an EA about 15 years ago while in a depression.

Some of my own responses have surprised even me. I don't want to be stupid and keep a WH who has no plans to change, but when does one believe? I now have access to his Facebook account and work email, the only email he has. I have seen that OW wrote a few times; he finally told her to respect his NC request. He has become visibly warmer to me and has told me how happy he is that I am here with him. Yesterday morning, I was still struggling with my own visual idea of the PA between them and couldn't seem to get the thoughts from my head. Horrible visions of my husband with OW. So 3AM found me on the couch trying to sleep but unable to. The rest of the day was better and today is even better than yesterday.

I have read a lot from this website and am working on some of the basic concepts. I never thought I would want H back after infidelity, but after reading about how so many marriages can survive affairs, I felt encouraged to see what could happen.

Your perspectives are welcomed.

Hi there, and welcome.....
I'm sorry you find yourself with this problem.......
I'm also a BS my husband has also had an affair after 27 years together........
My husband told me the same thing when I found out about his affair, I found out from the OW's husband...........he told me he was in love with the OW and that she was his life now .........I asked him to not see her while we still lived together, and then I exposed the affair to all who were close to us, including my 2 adult sons.
When the reality of his decisions came to the light of day, he started to feel the real brunt of what he had done and the pain that he had and was causing two families.
I said fine, go, while he was looking for a place, I was calm, loving and understanding.......all of a sudden he wasn't going anywhere.....spending his time with me.............he eventually ask for a 2nd chance........
I was in shock and distraught but I weighed things out, the marriage was not in great shape before his affair so I thought I have to accept my own part in the breakdown. I didn't think I would ever forgive an affair either. I still fight that a little internally......
All I can say is this takes a long time to get straight again, trust issues, belief system shattered and mind games happen for a long time, I'm a year out from finding out about the affair.
Your first step is the No Contact thing has to stay in place, you can't consider recovery with them still in contact.....
Then the two of you work on filling each other's emotional needs.......
Do your children know?
I know it's a difficult thing to deal with but with time and new memories of a great connection between the two of you things will get back to normal......
30 years is worth a try at least.......
Just keep coming here and asking for help and support........
I know this forum gave me the strength to move forward
jessi

Thanks for your reply, Jessi. I hope your marriage grows happier with the years that pass. I didn't tell anyone we know except a friend back home whom I trust for her prayers and support. Now that I have been on this website and have seen Plans A & B and how others have managed reconciliation, I informed WH that if any contact at all continued or if it ever happened again, I would be ruthless in exposing it. Sounds awful when put that way, but I would rather be in the position of strength.

Hi there again,
Your plan is exactly what you need to do, exposure is the key to stopping the affair, they only survive in the fantasy world, when people actually know what they are doing the reality hits them square in the face........not a lot of fun when they know everyone else knows what they have done.........and they know they are hurting their family right out in the open........
Is the OW married, exposing to her husband might be a good thing, he can watch the No Contact from his end........
I want you to be careful, wayward spouses have learned to lie and cover up things in order to cheat, don't just take his word for things, check, watch......
Ruthless is okay for now, you are in a fight to save your marriage, loving and firm is the new you for now...........

Remember to never threaten exposure that will only cause more harm to your marriage.

When you find that there is contact do not tell him your are exposing JUST DO IT!

I think you need to expose anyway, whether or not you have proof of continued contact.
This is for several reasons:
you need protection against the A restarting. The more people are watching, the safer you are. When everyone knows they can no longer have an 'innocent' exchange or meeting.
when you are in recovery, you may appear to be the 'difficult' one while he is the 'nice' guy if your support circle doesn't know what's going on behind. You may need their support and encouragement to keep going with recovery. (not sure about this, I never got to recovery myself)

Exposure is not a 'punishment' for continued contact. It is a safeguard against the A reigniting. You can do this with a lot of grace and dignity telling everyone, both WH and others that you are doing this out of love and a desire to preserve your M. Secrecy and deceit is what threatened it, you will now protect it with openness and honesty.

I'm concerned that he seems to have backed down too suddenly from the A. This shocked me: Then 2 weeks later it's all over ???? This doesn't add up. I say, expose for all you're worth!