I understand. The only expectations I have are the ones for myself to change and outwardly show that by my works.

If "admiration" is in the top 5 of your EN list, how are you going to accept little or no wifely admiration for the coming months?
Will you be able to push yourself forward with MB work ~~~LONG TERM~~~ without getting admired for doing so?

If admiration is given up in order to do something better, then I think that's a trade off I'm more than willing to accept for the long term.

I'm sure the giving up of the EN isn't uncommon for either party in a recovery -- especially, at first.

Think about some of the people with a sex addiction affair trying to get their SF satisfied.

If the affair fulfilled EN's the marriage didn't, I think it's to be expected that the BS won't be so willing to give in that area, unless they feel it's safe to do so. Filling the cups of the other EN's should come first.

TexasBob -- The admiration should come from inside of you, first. Admire the feeling that you are on a new path, moving forward (not backward) and determined to be a better man and father.

It wouldn't be a good idea to go at it with a desperate intention to win her back and get good responses from her too soon. Just do the things you do, with heart felt interest in being good to her because you feel you are good. If you feel you are good,..on a new path,...you will be. Eventually, she'll see that. When you think about it, seeking the rewards outside of yourself is self-defeating,...and (in my H case) the source of the weak boundaries --- it was the "pleasure" he thought filled him up during the affair. But, in the end, it didn't gain him anything with any true lasting or value,...and it lost him the stuff that had that.

Here is my draft of the letter I was going to give my wife with the NC letters. Open for discussion.

"I'm not sure how to start this letter off to you. So many thoughts are running through my head and the emotions are so sensitive that I get choked up thinking about all that I have broken. I feel that way because I betrayed you. I indulged in a selfish act to gratify myself and gave no thought to my dutiful wife and our three princesses. I gave away that which was sacred and became a horrible person in the process. I am completely responsible for those actions and bare the guilt and shame for life as a result of it. I know that at this time I cannot repay you for the pain I've caused, for you had no choice in the matter, and are forced to suffer on behalf of me. I am however, determined to make things right so that one day you may feel cared for and protected by me once again. I pray that my actions would with time touch your heart and you may want to be with me again. I'm holding no expectations for your to take me back, and I understand right now you think you never will, but this will not deter me. I do not want a divorce and I do not want a broken family. Again, I am at full fault for where we are at today and the feelings and hardship you face, but I want to make things right. I want to be the husband you deserve and once loved. I will be the man that supports you through all your needs. I want you to know there will be no pressure, nor expectations, and I am determined to be patient and wait as long as needed to win you back. Much like Jacob of old, I am ready to work and wait 7 years or longer to prove myself to you.
I would implore you to postpone the divorce proceedings in the chances that we might begin to reconcile. I know the Lord still performs miracles and will do so with our family as he witnesses the effort I put into becoming a better person. If postponing the divorce is unreasonable then I am still going to act as if I were a married man. I will continue to strengthen my boundaries around women, I will conduct myself in a new manner, and there will be no inappropriate relationships or the appearance of such with the opposite sex. I will not give you a reason to doubt me. I've told you I have nothing to hide and that I am an open book. The usernames and passwords were given to you so that you may feel secure in knowing that at any time I am wanting you to check on my progression. More than anything I want my good works to show you that I can change and return the feelings of security and safety to our home. I've included these letters for you to send out. They outline my love for you and the girls and forsake my selfish indulgence with these other women. I have not had contact with either of them for several months, but I want to show you that I intend to cut any and all ties, regardless at what point we are at, and I'm asking them to respect this and not contact me. Divorce is not what I want. I want you, daughter1, daughter2, and daughter3. Again, I require nothing of you as I will do all the heavy lifting in this case for it is I that must repair what I have done. I will do whatever it takes to keep our family together and raise our children in a Celestially bound home. I have felt your love before and I am confident that with hard work and sacrifice that I can restore those feelings , as your husband."

I suggest you keep trying to reconcile right up to the day she moves out, then up to the day you are divorced, and then continue on for about two years beyond your divorce. Your wife's Love Bank is so far in the red that she probably can't even see the bottom of the well. But each time you do something to make her feel good, and avoid doing something that annoys her, your reduce the deficit. She probably hates you right now because her Love Bank balance is so negative. But eventually, you will have deposited enough love units to break even. From then on, you will be depositing into the black, and she will like you again. With more deposits, she will eventually love you, and your marriage will be restored.

Your wife is suffering from deep resentment that developed over a lifetime. She does not want to forgive you for the mistakes you made during your marriage, and she certainly can't forget. Her Taker reminds her of her lost years, when she was forced to live according to your plans and your schedule. It reminds her of the times she begged you to consider her feelings, and how you ignored her pleas. She is reminded of her overwhelming feeling of loneliness, and hopelessness that made her consider suicide on numerous occasions. How could she ever forgive a man who put her through all of that.

It's no wonder your wife wants to make her own choices from now on, and her first choice is to leave the prison. She has probably been counting the days that your children would be on their own so she could be on her own. Every effort you are now making to keep her with you will be interpreted as the same oppressive control that she endured throughout your marriage.

Your wife is now in the state of emotional withdrawal, which makes it difficult for you to deposit love units into her Love Bank. She does not want you to try to meet her emotional needs because she does not believe you will ever be able to make her happy. She thinks that as soon as she drops her defenses, you will trap her, and she will be under your control again.

For a while, she may want to regain total control of her life so that she knows what it feels like. Once she has regained control, however, she may miss what it was you did for her. After all, none of us can meet our own emotional needs, they can only be met by someone else. That's what marriage is all about. She may be willing to re-enter her relationship with you on new terms. If you can meet her needs without it costing her control of her life, you will have made a deal that will compensate her for some of the pain she has suffered. From there her generosity toward you may carry her the rest of the way to forgiveness.

Interestingly enough, a sign of her trusting you may take the form of anger and resentment. If she changes from withdrawal to the state of conflict (which is an improvement), she will tell you how angry she is, and blame you for all of her depression. Her Taker will release its storehouse of resentment. Her shaming of you, and her disrespect will be hard for you to take, but it will give you an opportunity to hear from her Taker what she wants from you. You will have an opportunity to make a deal with her to compensate her for all of the pain she has suffered. If you can get though her attack without losing too many of her love units in your love bank, you will gain valuable information, and an opportunity from your wife to implement change.

Read "Negotiating in the Three States of Marriage" in my Basic Concepts section of the web site for more information about how states of mind effect your negotiating strategy. You should also read Fall in Love, Stay in Love. If you read it now, you can start applying its principles while she is still with you, and follow through on them after she has left. Pay close attention to the chapters on the Love Busters, Disrespectful Judgments and Selfish Demands, because they will get you into a ton of trouble if you persist in them while she is still around.

My article, in the articles section, entitled "Why Women Leave Men" may also be helpful to you. If possible, make a copy for your wife to read and see if she agrees with me.

The Policy of Joint Agreement (never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse) is the ultimate equalizer in marriage. Your wife's stated reason for leaving you is that her feelings have not been taken into account whenever you have made decisions, and she feels like the caboose on a train. All her married life she felt out of control. The Policy of Joint Agreement will change all of that for both of you, and if you try to reconcile with care and consideration for her feelings, you and your wife will have years to practice using it together.