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#245149 02/05/04 09:19 AM
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5+ years. When I found MB, we were separated, H was denying his A with a co-worker.

We would continue to be separated off & on through the following 18 months, while I did a long-suffering Plan A through my serving divorce papers.

Recovery since 5/00. Much better marriage. Love has returned for both of us...and we're committed to remaining together, even when life and choices don't go smoothly.

#245150 02/05/04 11:54 AM
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Hello HOTI

>Are you still married to the person you were married to when you first got here?
-Yep

>Have you seen any improvement in your marriage?
-Nope

<Anyone who is still married to the same person NOT seen any improvement?
-No improvement, and none on the horizon.

-If so, is that because of addiction / abuse / mental illness conditions where Harley admits MC won't work until the other problem is solved?
-Wife has Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

-Or because your spouse is too stubborn and/or selfish and/or terrified to change?
-NPD actually encompasses all of these things.

Because of my job situation, it is very likely that our marriage will not last the year. My wife is not able to adjust to less income, and I cannot take her constant verbal abuse much longer. Believe it or not, I have tried everything I possibly can.

#245151 02/06/04 12:42 AM
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Let’s see. Like Deb, I’m still legally married, but I filed in September.
Some people have suggested my STBX suffers with NPD. I don’t know. He is “depressed” but that’s no different than it’s been our entire marriage.

My end conclusion is we are simply too different to live happily together.

However, for the purposes of this poll, I must admit that my STBX never tried the MB principles. And he disagrees with POJA even in theory. I mean what do you do with someone who believes his own comfort or pleasure is worth your suffering?

#245152 02/06/04 12:42 AM
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by IsIt2late:
<strong>Because of my job situation, it is very likely that our marriage will not last the year. My wife is not able to adjust to less income, and I cannot take her constant verbal abuse much longer.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is what I fear Mrs. Hold and I are headed for. Although cerri thinks Mrs. Hold is more flexible than I imagine.

Believe it or not, I have tried everything I possibly can.

Oh, I believe it. If we both find ourselves in the same unhappy situation later this year, we should share an apartment and get our wives to move in together. If we create a "guys house" and a "gals house", we don't have to live with our wives and we only have to maintain 2 households instead of 4. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

#245153 02/05/04 01:21 PM
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well, lets see, i thnk i qualify as ancient. . .

my X did not agree with HNHN, did not think we did very well on POJA, before we even learned about it. . .

i gave her everything she asked for, except money while separated. . .

she filed for the divorce. . . she asked for mediation, we went through mediation. .. . . then she reneged on mediation. . . said she wanted more money and me to have less time. . .

she has been dating, and mostly losers. . . her latest BF lives with her. . . upstairs in an empty room. . . he just turned 40 and had his first heart attack. . . overweight, uneducated person. . . he lost his teaching job. . . X is a teacher. . . . X tried to force the two families together. . . an educated and respectful family, our kids, with disrespectful, uneducated kids his. . . didn't work very well . .

X is an idiot. . . she can't make any parental decisions of any quality. . . and she loves to party and thinks having a volunteer job as an EMT 24x7 is way more important than being a parent or a wife. . .(BF is an EMT also)

i have lived alone since the divorce, the Friday after 9/11. . . have spent alot of time with my kids one on one. . .

X is going through the life change towards menopause, and i explained it to the kids, because she was just crying and then yelling. . . and they couldn't understand, so i explained it to them, made them read about it on the web. . . told them how to deal with X better. . .

as far as i am concerned, working hard on my new career, but its very slow getting started. . . very difficult to learn. . . lots of studying. . .

I have a GF that i have been dating since after my divorce, now for over two years. . . she is a wonderful ENFP, we laugh together, we solve problems together, we vacation together very well. . and someday, we might get married, but for now, we just relate as friends, and parents to our kids. . . oh, and she believes in the MB stuff, and so far it works like a dream. . .

the openness and honesty is very important. . . as well as the lack of DJ. . . . flying around. . .

good luck everyone. . .

wiftty

#245154 02/05/04 02:00 PM
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I rarely come to this site but I found MB 4.5 years ago, at a low point in our marriage....we were separated and divorcing. Because of what we learned and implemented from here, we got back together 4 yrs, 3 months ago, and are much happier as a couple and as individuals. Some days are fabulous, some are not. When we hit a string of the blahs, we always see that we have fallen away from the concepts...most particularly meeting each others emotional needs. Once back on track, things improve immediately.

MB is one of the best things that we have ever done for ourselves.

Tuddy

#245155 02/05/04 05:39 PM
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Are you still married to the person you were married to when you first got here?
-Yep

>Have you seen any improvement in your marriage?
-Nope

<Anyone who is still married to the same person NOT seen any improvement?
-No improvement, and none on the horizon.

-If so, is that because of addiction / abuse / mental illness conditions where Harley admits MC won't work until the other problem is solved?
- In my wife's eyes, I am the abuser. My "mood swings" are the central reason that we cannot start recovering.

-Or because your spouse is too stubborn and/or selfish and/or terrified to change?
- It's possible!

...it is very likely that our marriage will not last the year. My wife is not able/willing to have sex with me, and I cannot put up with her punishment/abuse/taker much longer.

Obligation to be as good a dad to my kids is the only thing keeping me here. Finances as well, I suppose. Also, the hope that things will turn around. Pretty bleak.

She ridicules MB.

#245156 02/05/04 08:26 PM
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by holdingontoit:
<strong> Just curious. About people who have been members here for over two years. Are you still married to the person you were married to when you first got here? Have you seen any improvement in your marriage?

Anyone who is still married to the same person NOT seen any improvement? If so, is that because of addiction / abuse / mental illness (conditions where Harley admits MC won't work until the other problem is solved)? Or because your spouse is too stubborn and/or selfish and/or terrified to change? Or because YOU are too stubborn and/or selfish and/or terrified to change? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Long time members? I suppose so (hanging around since late '98).
Married to same person? Yes
Improvement in marriage? Hmmm. That's not a simple answer. W never would read anything here of Dr Harley's books. OTOH, I thought I'd finally found some answers. My efforts were met mostly with rebuke or indifference, however.

Improvement? If going from frustration to grudging acceptance that there will be no real change in my marriage, then I suppose that's a kind of improvement. At least we don't argue about sex anymore! 4+ years without -- what's the point?

I still lurk (and post occasionally) 'cause every so often I still pick up a kernel of enlightenment, that I hope can help me to see a different view, or be a better dad/husband. I can't do anything about her, but I can still try to improve me, and that's something, I suppose.

Why are we still together? For the kids, I guess. And for some committment to, as Glen Campbell sang: "...the ink stains that have dried upon some line..."

Fire & Ice (formerly known as 'Doug')

#245157 02/05/04 08:36 PM
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by holdingontoit:
<strong>Are you still married to the person you were married to when you first got here? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></strong>

Yes

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> Have you seen any improvement in your marriage?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></strong>

and yes.

#245158 02/05/04 09:38 PM
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<small>[ February 09, 2005, 10:09 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

#245159 02/06/04 09:24 AM
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hi Hold,


found MB a little over a year ago.
i think you pretty much know my story.
yep, still married to the same person.

i had been trying to build my marriage on my own.....just kind of winging it...reading whatever i could ...lots of trial and error..........kind of doing my own version of a plan A for about a year or so before i found MB........but, w/ lots of LBs and DJs.

finding MB has helped a great deal.
H was receptive to most of the concepts, but not always an active participant.
finding the the time (the 15 hours) has been difficult. yet, we do spend much more quality time together then we ever have before.
i'd say we are still a work in progress.....perhaps we always will be, i guess that's the journey of marriage. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

still, the improvement in our communication and overall state of marriage has been very significant.

<small>[ February 06, 2004, 09:37 AM: Message edited by: nelly ]</small>

#245160 02/06/04 11:34 AM
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by holdingontoit:
<strong> This is what I fear Mrs. Hold and I are headed for. Although cerri thinks Mrs. Hold is more flexible than I imagine.

Believe it or not, I have tried everything I possibly can.

Oh, I believe it. If we both find ourselves in the same unhappy situation later this year, we should share an apartment and get our wives to move in together. If we create a "guys house" and a "gals house", we don't have to live with our wives and we only have to maintain 2 households instead of 4. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hey, maybe we could start our own firm. We could be the *****whipped lawyers!! (ha ha)

Just be glad that she is at least willing to talk to Cerri. My wife refused to continue with Steve after he suggested that she meet some of my needs.

I hope your job is going well. Through a successive series of events, I am starting to work at the District Attorney's office as a White Collar Crime prosecutor. It is not nearly as much $$ as the big firm, but no more billable hour pressure.

Right now, I am seriously considering moving out, but I need to make some additional money first. The idea of being away from T is looking better and better. For the past two nights, I slept in another room, and I have slept better than I have in months. The farther I am from T, the better I feel.

#245161 02/06/04 11:45 AM
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Over a year ago I suggested you used, neglected, and abused MEN on MB get a huge Condo or two on the ocean and live together. Living would be peaceful and less expensive in a group.

Of course, you would probably have to divorce your wives first, but maybe not!

Many of your wives seem to just want YOUR MONEY, not YOU. They would be happier also without YOU there. After all, they would still be getting plenty "O" YOUR MONEY!

(The greedy bloodsuckers they are!)

<small>[ February 06, 2004, 11:50 AM: Message edited by: baba2 ]</small>

#245162 02/06/04 11:55 AM
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Ok....i have a stupid question.....

what does *****whipped mean?

i know what the *'s stand for......i just thought the definition was different than how john referred to it.

i always thought ****whipped.... was guy who was getting it and controlled by that fact....a guy who would do anything for his woman because she provides ****.

but, i have found i have been wrong about these type of terms before..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

<small>[ February 06, 2004, 11:56 AM: Message edited by: nelly ]</small>

#245163 02/06/04 11:58 AM
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Nelly, you are acting like Jessica Simpson now! Do you also believe "Chicken of the Sea" is Chicken? You are nutty, girl! I say this with affection!

~~~ Oh well, let the men answer her.~~~

<small>[ February 06, 2004, 11:59 AM: Message edited by: baba2 ]</small>

#245164 02/07/04 12:03 AM
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Been here a little over 2 years.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Are you still married to the person you were married to when you first got here? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Have you seen any improvement in your marriage? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">not much,
I read the principles so I can continue to see how a true, loving marriage should be like and never be in denial that mine is an abusive one.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> If so, is that because of addiction / abuse / mental illness (conditions where Harley admits MC won't work until the other problem is solved)? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes H has Anger management issues, ADD, compulsive lying,
I believe a personality disorder as well.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Or because your spouse is too stubborn and/or selfish and/or terrified to change? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">definately selfish

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Or because YOU are too stubborn and/or selfish and/or terrified to change? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am staying in it for my 3 year old. Once he is grown, I am out of here. I'll sacrifice the next 15 years, but I won't live my whole life with this person. I want a chance at true love. I'll be in my 40's by then, and I feel I'll still have alot of living to do, maybe even with a special person.

#245165 02/07/04 12:10 AM
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jessica simpson?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

thanks, baba. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />
i am embarrassed to say that i have been accused of that before.
by my own son...he said that jessica nd her H remind him of what daddy and i must have been like as newlyweds.......great role models, aren't we?

i can be a little ditzy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
but, i am very open minded and do put out. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

<small>[ February 06, 2004, 12:11 PM: Message edited by: nelly ]</small>

#245166 02/07/04 12:13 AM
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LOL! You are so cute Nelly! No one can explain that word since it is not a word allowed on MB. It starts with a "P". That will give you a hint.

#245167 02/07/04 12:24 AM
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i know what the word is!!

i just thought it's meaning was different the way John used it.

is it a guy who gets it and will do anything for his woman because she keeps giving it to him....or

is it a guy who doesn't get it, but continues to do anything for his woman in hopes that he will get it??

i guess it could be either, huh?
either way....he's whipped......because he can not stop thinking about it?

maybe i just answered my own question.
jeez....go ahead, call me jessica. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

<small>[ February 06, 2004, 01:27 PM: Message edited by: nelly ]</small>

#245168 02/06/04 01:15 PM
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by nelly:
<strong>is it a guy who gets it and will do anything for his woman because she keeps giving it to him....</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Not that I've heard it used a whole lot, but that's the way I've always heard it used. But maybe it can be used in more than one way. Unfortunately, I don't think it is in Websters <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .

Kathi

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