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I was just thinking that 7 mos. after dday, trust is not even almost where I am at with my WH. Should you ever really, truly trust a WS? I can't imagine feeling that vulnerable. I only trust him when we are together.
BW(me)41
WH 40
DD19, DS16, DD14.
M19 yrs. Together 21yrs
D-Day 05/05/2010
Trying to work on M together with MB principles.
What's meant to be will always find a way.
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I'm curious why you ask "should you", isn't the question for each individual person "can you"?
Just thinking outloud.
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I ask'should you' because I'm beginning to think maybe you never should be that vulnerable in your marriage again. I trusted my WH with all I had, and now I get to put my life back together after he had a 2 yr A. I believe somewhere way down the line, I can trust again, but should I? Shouldn't BS's always be 'on the lookout'? Maybe I just have to learn to trust a different way.
BW(me)41
WH 40
DD19, DS16, DD14.
M19 yrs. Together 21yrs
D-Day 05/05/2010
Trying to work on M together with MB principles.
What's meant to be will always find a way.
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Posts: 676
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I can't say whether or not you should. But I guess that leads me to another question...Do YOU want to?
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Define "trust."
If you're up on MB principles, you'll see that if you are following the guidelines and using POJA, UA, meeting EN, and so on, then "trust" simply becomes a matter of "can I trust myself to be open and honest?"
On the other hand, if your concern is whether WS is out bagging the grocery clerk, then you've got a long way to go to get to the level of trust I first mentioned.
Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
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Oh, I would LOVE to trust again. We are together all the time, especially on weekends. It is when he is at work, when we are away from each other, that is hard. We call and text each other numerous times throughout the day. I guess I must say, it is hard NOT to trust him right now, because we spend all our spare time together. One day in the future he may go out without me. It is hard for me to put into words what I am thinking, it's just not coming out right. Sorry if I am confusing you. I guess my question is very general, just should you REALLY, TRULY trust again?
BW(me)41
WH 40
DD19, DS16, DD14.
M19 yrs. Together 21yrs
D-Day 05/05/2010
Trying to work on M together with MB principles.
What's meant to be will always find a way.
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I'm curious why you ask "should you", isn't the question for each individual person "can you"?
Just thinking outloud. Just playing around with words more like it.
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I was just thinking that 7 mos. after dday, trust is not even almost where I am at with my WH. Should you ever really, truly trust a WS? I can't imagine feeling that vulnerable. I only trust him when we are together. No you should not trust him. It was too much trust that led to the affair in the first place. One topic is loss of trust. How can a spouse ever trust an unfaithful partner again? My answer is that the spouse should never have been trusted in the first place. I shouldn't be trusted by my wife, and I shouldn't trust her. The fact is that we are all wired for infidelity, and under certain conditions, we'll all do it. The way to protect your marriage from something that has been common to man (and women) for thousands of years is to recognize the threat, and do something to prevent it from happening. Basing a marriage on the Policy of Radical Honesty and the Policy of Joint Agreement goes a long way toward preventing an affair. Being each other's favorite leisure-time companions, and not being away from each other overnight are also important safety measures. Meeting each other's most important emotional needs, avoiding Love Busters and building an integrated lifestyle, free of secret second lives, are all ways to affair-proof your marriage. With these measures in place, we end up trusting our spouses because an affair becomes almost impossible to achieve.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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It is when he is at work, when we are away from each other, that is hard. What can he do to prove his faithfulness while at work? Are you snooping on him? Do you have his work email password? Cell phone passwords? Do you have daily access to his cell phone? One way to ease your anxiety is to snoop and find out what he is doing when you are not looking.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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100% trust pre affair will never return.
As time goes on most of the trust can return though most is not the same as all.
Verifing NC, how a WS gives transparency, all factor in how quickly trust gets restored. This is another reason the BS needs to verify a lot post d day. Then as the BS becomes more secure they will automatically decrease verifing the A is dead.
BS's may even feel comfortable to stop verifing. However if they suspect the smallest clue they should never feel that they are being paranoid. Just snoop.
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Is your H transparent, giving you access to his cell at any time, access to any and all passwords to networking, email, cell accounts? Does he account for all of his time?
What EPs did your H put into place after his A?
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A WS should be watched like a hawk and not given an inch. They are absolutely untrustworthy.
A FWS, with time and work, can earn a level of trust. My DH does not believe I am having an A when I leave for work or go to the store, etc. But it took time. And in his own words, if he was going to have to spend the rest of his life watching me everywhere I go....he wouldn't have bothered. But that was only after remorse, work, and lots of time.
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Maybe I just have to learn to trust a different way. I liked the way Steve Harley put it to me ~ trust isn't something you can make yourself do. It is something that will grow or diminish based on someone's actions (this is where the transparency and EPs come into play). So...the way that you are phrasing it implies that you think this is something that you have control over...which you don't!
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I liked the way Steve Harley put it to me ~ trust isn't something you can make yourself do. It is something that will grow or diminish based on someone's actions This needs to go on a plaque somewhere...very profound.
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Just to reiterate; both trust and forgiveness have to be earned.
The trust you should be looking for is that you can trust your husband to be; open, honest, responsible, and transparent.
You should not trust him to not cheat again, and should not have trusted him to not cheat in the first place.
Once you take these two things into account - once you accept these two things - the next steps forward become way easier.
Each one of these ideas is a one-ton sack of potatoes tied to your ankles.
Cut them loose!
Last edited by HeadHeldHigh; 12/20/10 12:09 AM. Reason: I <3 commas
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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[BS's may even feel comfortable to stop verifing. However if they suspect the smallest clue they should never feel that they are being paranoid. Just snoop. [/quote]
I agree with TheRoad.
After my WH 1st A, I was just starting to 'feel' comfortable about trusting again. Gave him too much leash so to speak.
Thought I didn't have anythng to worry about. I knew where he was, work or bar. Wasn't worried about work because of what happened during 1st A. Wasn't worried about bar, mostly drunk guys, and the females in there, well bar skanks really.
Then 3 years to the month later...starts locking phone...drinking fall-down drunk EVERYDAY!...starts talking about "if you think the
grass is greener on othe other side, go for it!"...
How dumb was I? I thought, no, he wouldn't do that to me AGAIN! I have to trust him, right? He's my husband. If I can't trust him, then who can I trust?
BOMB DROP!! He's in EA/PA with one of the bar skanks!!
TRUST NO ONE!!!
Sad but true.
So, to answer your question...NO
You can NEVER trust your WH EVER AGAIN.
BS/ME 47 Met on blind date
WH 46(Alcoholic,drugs?)
DS1:18 DS2:15
1st A EA9/07 PA10/07 NC11/07
2nd A EA/PA-10/2010
Found out- 11/20/2010
He moved out-1/1/2011 same apt.cmplx as OW(&her kids)
PlanB-1/1/11(broken)
NEW PB-2/11 Taking it one day at a time
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who say to God, "Thy will be done" and those to whom God says, "Alright then, have it your way." ~C .S.Lewis
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[BS's may even feel comfortable to stop verifing. However if they suspect the smallest clue they should never feel that they are being paranoid. Just snoop. I agree with TheRoad. After my WH 1st A, I was just starting to 'feel' comfortable about trusting again. Gave him too much leash so to speak. Thought I didn't have anythng to worry about. I knew where he was, work or bar. Wasn't worried about work because of what happened during 1st A. Wasn't worried about bar, mostly drunk guys, and the females in there, well bar skanks really. Then 3 years to the month later...starts locking phone...drinking fall-down drunk EVERYDAY!...starts talking about "if you think the grass is greener on othe other side, go for it!"... How dumb was I? I thought, no, he wouldn't do that to me AGAIN! I have to trust him, right? He's my husband. If I can't trust him, then who can I trust? BOMB DROP!! He's in EA/PA with one of the bar skanks!! TRUST NO ONE!!! Sad but true. So, to answer your question...NO You can NEVER trust your WH EVER AGAIN. [/quote] Um... his OW is alcohol, obviously. Work or the bar? That's no way to live...
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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@ TheRoad TELL ME ABOUT IT!!! 
BS/ME 47 Met on blind date
WH 46(Alcoholic,drugs?)
DS1:18 DS2:15
1st A EA9/07 PA10/07 NC11/07
2nd A EA/PA-10/2010
Found out- 11/20/2010
He moved out-1/1/2011 same apt.cmplx as OW(&her kids)
PlanB-1/1/11(broken)
NEW PB-2/11 Taking it one day at a time
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who say to God, "Thy will be done" and those to whom God says, "Alright then, have it your way." ~C .S.Lewis
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Thank you everyone! I knew the answer was a profound 'NO!' Just had to make sure I wasn't trying to trust someone I shouldn't trust. I find the phrase 'marriage is all about trust' sooo funny! These people have no clue!
BW(me)41
WH 40
DD19, DS16, DD14.
M19 yrs. Together 21yrs
D-Day 05/05/2010
Trying to work on M together with MB principles.
What's meant to be will always find a way.
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