Do you really believe that your H would have hated you for fighting for your marriage, in an act of love? Yes, because he feels like after all he's done for me all these years he deserves to take care of himself (his health)

I'm sure that a lawyer could have advised you what to do to delay this process. People can be divorced against their will, but it usually takes longer if they fight. Yes, it would've probably delayed it and it would've taken longer, but it would also fueled his anger and resentment (if not hate) against me for making it hard on him...

I'm soooooooooooooooo frustrated....

I want to fight it....I want to involve a lawyer just for the mere cause of delaying it....not to get more money out of him....

But I'm terrified I will lose him for good if I do....I know I will.....he will be furious and divorce me anyway as soon as there's the chance....

He is so stubborn and in this affair fog....I have no chance....

Why can't I just wake up from this nightmare ?????

If I counter plea his lawyer will drop him...he will lose a little over $ 3000 this way....

He will have to find a new lawyer who will fight in court for him....

I have to get a lawyer....I have no money to spare as I am in debt....

It will go in front of the court and I will most likely be granted less than what's in the decree now....

He will grow hateful of me (be it because I'm making it harder for him to go on with this affair or not....), he will kick me out of the house....I will have no money to get an apartment....

He will fight for full custody because he's making more money than me, is a police officer and owns a house....

I have never been divorced....I'm scared of losing my children....they are my LIFE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I could not live without them....I don't even know how I will survive the 3-4 days a week they will be with their dad....

I was never separated from them (3&9).....

I'm terrified !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you love your children as much as you say you do, why aren't you fighting for their family?

So what if he loses $3000?

If you're in Texas, you do NOT have to get an attorney. You can file a simple cross-claim for divorce (based on adultery in Texas) which will stall the divorce. In the meantime you could begin working the MB Plans in earnest.

What do you have to lose? You've already lost your WH.

A Judge (especially in Texas) isn't going to automatically give him custody just because he has more $$ and a house (especially in Texas). Have you not been their primary caretaker all these years?

Why is it HIS house? Texas is a community property state. How is it that you're not on the deed? If the house was obtained during the marriage, it's considered 1/2 of the marital estate. If not, then any improvements that have been made during the course of the marriage would be considered 1/2 of the marital estate, to which you are entitled.

I don't understand your fear about fighting for your family.

Personally, I would NEVER sign off on any documents that have such great potential to alter my life, without letting an attorney review them.

Is there something you're not telling us? Something that he is holding over your head?

If you love your children as much as you say you do, why aren't you fighting for their family?

How is it fighting for the family.....there will be no more family

So what if he loses $3000?

Since he doesn't believe in our marriage working out it means a whole lot to him.....if he would see a slight chance I guess it would be worth a try for him, but he's so entangled in this affair and resentment that he just doesn't see past tomorrow....

If you're in Texas, you do NOT have to get an attorney. You can file a simple cross-claim for divorce (based on adultery in Texas) which will stall the divorce.

How would I do that...where would I have to go ?? Does that mean I file for divorce against him ??? How would that make sense ??? (I hope I understand that right)

In the meantime you could begin working the MB Plans in earnest.

Would that really work, since he's going to be even more resentful for me stalling....????

What do you have to lose? You've already lost your WH.

I'd lose a semi decent relationship with my husband post divorce....And as you said, if I already lost him, would it be worth the risk.....

If I'd have examples of stories like mine, where the spouse was dead set on divorce, pressing to get it done, in the fog of affair and saying they're not loving their loyal spouse anymore and even though their ls fought the divorce they ended up surviving the affair, didn't divorce and reconciled, I guess I would counter claim tomorrow.....

Unfortunately nobody could give me examples like that....so I'm naturally terrified.....

A Judge (especially in Texas) isn't going to automatically give him custody just because he has more $$ and a house (especially in Texas). Have you not been their primary caretaker all these years? Yes, pretty much....

Why is it HIS house? He's paying the mortgage....because of my debt my credit is too bad and I can't contribute to it....Texas is a community property state. How is it that you're not on the deed? If the house was obtained during the marriage, it's considered 1/2 of the marital estate. If not, then any improvements that have been made during the course of the marriage would be considered 1/2 of the marital estate, to which you are entitled. I don't want any of this, really.....call me stupid, but I don't....

I don't understand your fear about fighting for your family.

Because I fear that my husband would hate me and there would not be any more family....

He's shown in his sleep that he does still have feelings for me deep down inside by holding me again (for the first time in many, many years) but he chooses to let his head win, not his heart....I've caught him crying several times and trust me, he's not a very emotional person....

Personally, I would NEVER sign off on any documents that have such great potential to alter my life, without letting an attorney review them.

Is there something you're not telling us? Something that he is holding over your head?

No, there's nothing that could incriminate me...drugs, crime, or whatever you are thinking of, other than having a big chunk of debt and not being an American.....

I've never been divorced and it scares the living daylights out of me, because everyone I know hates their ex and most of them have fights and court sessions because of it.....

I'm truly lost [/quote]

He's crying and held you because he's conflicted, and you're making the decision easier for him by agreeing to divorce. You think that is helping the family? Again, what do you have to lose? Oh great, you have a good relationship after divorce. Is that what you really are aiming for here?

lostwithouthim - you are failing to realize that it's not his love you need. It's his RESPECT, because he can't love you if he doesn't respect you.

You are rolling over and dying right in front of him. You are only showing him how weak and helpless you are. How much respect do you think anyone has for a woman like that - including your WH?

You are trying to appease a man who is destroying your family by handing over anything you think he wants, instead of standing up for yourself and your children.

I don't care if you "want" the home and the property or not - you are bloody well going to need it for your kids, and I do not understand why you are not thinking of them. A judge won't understand it, either, and you had better realize that.

You don't get it - by being weak and helpless and thinking you can appease him enough to take you back, the only thing you do is destroy any last shred of respect he ever had for you. He won't love you if he doesn't respect you. That's just the way it works.

If you become a woman that your WH (and your kids and yes even yourself) can RESPECT, then you have a chance of recovering this.

If you continue to be a helpless doormat, you will have NO chance of recovering this.

Oh, and thinking you can have a "decent relationship" with him after you're divorced? You will only be giving him in divorce what he wanted in marriage: The freedom to see his girlfriend as much as he wants and still dropping in to enjoy a little family time when he feels like it.

This MB thread is for you:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2279757&page=1

Usually it's the WS who wants the Fantasy Divorce, but in this case it's you. Please take a look at this thread.

Are you not a U.S. citizen? What is your status in this country?

May I ask you why you came to this site? Because it seems that you are doing the same thing to the people on this site that you did for your husband for years - refuse to really listen.

You don't seem to want to try to save your marriage. It's not too late but it will be soon if you just roll over and wallow in self-pity. One letter is not going to be enough to convince your WH that you are sincere in wanting to make efforts to change after years of lying and apathy. You're gonna have to make a much better and concerted effort than that. You seem afraid that he's going to hate you or dislike you if you try to delay the divorce; I have to tell you that he probably already doesn't like you so much, he sounds like a man that has just given up. Wrong decision to have an affair, can't fix a marriage by going outside of it, but I suspect he would be on this path regardless.

As far as getting an attorney, it would be best for you to do so, even if only to verify that the "agreement" you have with your husband is fair and equitable. That could probably be done in that first, usually free, consultation. It's one thing to feel guilty, it's quite another to let yourself be screwed over because of it. Not saying that's what your husband is trying to do but I would be thinking of your interests and your future. For what it's worth, I think it's admirable to see a woman who acknowledges her faults in a marriage and wants to be fair during the divorce. Just don't get to feeling that you need to fall on yor sword as a way of atoning for your marriage. Your husband isn't going to see it that way because as you acknowledged in your posts, he has stopped believing anything you say.

You want to save your marriage? Start listening to what the folks here are telling you and read the materials. Come up with a solid plan A, one with specific maesures designed to convince yor husband that you are finally serious about making personal changes. I would ask him for some more time, and let him know that after the end of the time if you have not made any progress, you won't contest a fair and equitable divorce. Seize the initiative. But for God's sake, DO something, ok?

You�re a female version of me. My WXW had divorce papers drafted for me. She told me that if we make things amicable that we had a chance. She fed me lots of bull and I bought it because I was desperate. I gave her everything she asked for.

Do you know what happened after I signed all the papers?

She ran like the free woman she was and I was left with nothing but hope, which doesn�t do much. That is the path you�re on.

Want to save your marriage? Then don�t make divorce easy.

Counter file on grounds of adultery. Get a lawyer. He will be stuck with the bill since he makes the money.

You won�t lose your kids. You�re a woman and actually have that in your favor in family court.

What you need to do is counterintuitive and I was just like you. I didn�t listen to MB posters who were telling me how to save things. I didn�t listen and she never came back.

Granted, I�m glad she never did. She was a cancer in my life. But that�s not how I felt when I was in your shoes.

I cried and begged and was in denial. I felt I was trapped in a nightmare, which I was, but simply giving in to her demands was exactly the wrong thing to do to save my marriage. But I felt like you did. I felt that making things difficult would make her hate me and that we would never be friends again.

Here�s the reality: The friendly divorce is something that only exists in Hollywood. The exes who are friends are few and far between.

Right now you�re in the denial state of grief, so you are buying into the idea that things could be friendly and he can someday snap out of it.

Believe me, the anger phase is a nasty one and one where you could see yourself laughing hysterically if he was run over by a truck. You�ll be wishing for it and having all kinds of revenge fantasies on him and OW. It is a very nasty phase.

What you must do is not pleasant, it�s scary, and it is the only way you can possibly save your marriage. Ignore us at your own peril, but heed my words as a man who felt exactly as you did. I�m sure you�re telling yourself all the same things I told myself. �They don�t know WS like I do. WS is different.�

The path you�re on is of divorce. It isn�t of recovery in any way because you�re ignoring the things we�re telling you that we know work.

1. Exposure to family and friends of his affair.
2. Exposure to OW�s boyfriend/husband and family and friends on Facebook.

Refuse to sign divorce papers, making it clear to him that you won�t and that any divorce will not be a pleasant paper signing. There will be court, there will be a nasty fight, and that you will take him to the cleaners. You can do your own bluffing, since he�s doing it to you. You can let him know you will get full child support, alimony, his retirement, and sole physical and legal custody of the kids. Let him know you will file on grounds of adultery and that you will drag the skank into court to testify about her affair. Let him know that you will sue her for the willfull infliction of emotional distress (the alternative to alienation of affection).

Most of it will be a bluff, but it puts him on notice.

But to save things you must take control. You must appear strong and not weak. You must also appear determined and unafraid.

Watch him shake for real when you take those steps.