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Joined: Jun 1999
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This is going to sound harsh, but I hope it helps you get past these withdrawal pangs.<P>Typical scenario for women stuggling with withdrawal...here's something to think about.<BR>The OM wanted sex. He liked how you looked when he first met you, your body, your face. So he decided to become your friend and eventually seduce you down the road. He's got good qualities, he's not a complete jerk, but he gambled on entering this risky dangerous affair ultimately for sex thrills. He'll probably cheat again with some other woman after you and tell her the same things to get her to drop her panties too. He love his children more than you.<BR>He has feelings for you, but the bottom line is sex. You broke it off, he's cooler about than you as far as resisting talking/e-mail/phone because for him it was about sex, for you it was about affection/conversation/love.<P>Stop being a sucker for a used car saleman and wise up.<P><BR>

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Isn't that the truth. I realized the scenario you described was exactly how the OM saw it, when for me it was completely different. <P>I wonder why there are so many posts about withdrawal, and none about the guilt a person suffers though. I didn't have such a hard time with withdrawal, but a horrible time struggling with the guilt and still am.

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Cuckold--<P>Do you honestly believe this? I don't think it's true in every situation. I think most betrayers are in withdrawal because the affair was emotional on both parts...and we realize the difference between sex and love. Actually, some people on this forum never even had sex with the OP.

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Cuckold,<P>Dang, you went for the jugular on that one, didn't you? I'm the betrayer, and I have to say I AGREE with all that you say! I had the affair because of what was going on in my marriage and my needs not being met for such a long time. Sure, the OM was sweet and kind, but he was also a smooth talker who said all the right things that I needed to hear. I know he didn't really care about me deeply. If he did, he wouldn't have wanted to "share" me with another man. He was perfectly "ok" with me being married. To me, that speaks volumes about him and what he wanted/needed me for.<P>Holly,<P>There are always exceptions to the rule. You may or you may not be. If you are the exception, then you're probably one in a thousand. But what if you're not the exception? Won't you feel awful stupid years down the line when you finally figure that out? Hey, if your husband is like mine and has wised up now and is willing to forgive and move forward, why would you waste time pining for a man who was perfectly willing to share you?

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PodPerson--<P>OK...you have a point. The OM was willing to share me with another man (my husband)...and it didn't seem to bother him at all. Whereas I couldn't stand the fact that I had to share him. He's strange that way though...when his wife had an affair with his best friend he said it actually turned him on!!<P>My husband would NEVER want to share me...and it far from turned him on when I had an affair.<P>You're right...why would I waste my time pining for someone who was perfectly willing to share me?!<P>However, I still don't think it was JUST about sex...

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Well, while I don't agree that my OM just wanted sex, I would agree that they, the OM, are not all that (pardon the expression). My OM found himself another woman and fell in love 6 months after our affair ended. Soooo take from that what you will. I know he slept with her and I think that I know they are very serious, so he obviously is fine. He said he did because he could not have me I think he needs therapy. They move on quick.

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Well I have to admit, there is sure alot of similarities. However, he told me that I was the only one he ever had an affair with and will never do this again. We'll see. I may have fallen hard because I truly needed him, but I will make sure to catch myself next time. I eventually do get the picture and take aggressive action not to make the same mistake again. Thank you for opening up my swollen,tearful eyes and strengthing up my broken heart. But the same should be applied to the spouse. He put his best face forward and then after marriage, stopped and left me to fend for myself.

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Speaking strictly for myself as the OM. I wasn't looking for sex. In fact, in the emotional needs ranking, sex is down around 3 or 4. Above that is Conversation, Recreational Companionship and maybe Admiration, which my OW gave me in truckloads. We never even had sex (never even <B>held hands</B>). We ruled that out right at the beginning (cuz we didn't want it turning into a "real" affair).<P>Of course that's not to say it would've turned physical down the road had it gone on longer, but that wasn't my motivation at all.<P>--andy

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I have to say it was definitely more emotional. The sexual part came second. <P>It was all the other needs that we gave eachother. I felt very emotionally connected to him and we talked more than fooled around. I felt we were true companions.<BR>

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Sounds like the women all were EMOTIONALLY attached...but can you be sure that your OM's were AS emotionally attached? Or is it mostly the sex for men?

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Mine was emotional, then physical, then back to emotional. And guess whose choice? You got it, not mine, but HIS. So I guess you could say he was not just after sex. He said I was the bright spot of his day and that he LOVED even just talking to me. He wanted a friendship while he was trying to see if his marriage would work out. He felt guilty about the sexual affair, said that if he was going to have a relationship with me, he wanted it RIGHT. But it was his choice to continue with the emotional attachment. I don't think he saw it as destructive although it kept either of us from improving our marriages like we should have.

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Doesn't say much for men does it? Their relationships are just vehicles to use people for their own personal satisfaction? Why do they get married then? Do they ever experience love? Do they "love" their wive with some pure, sacred love but not have any feelings for some other woman that they pursue and say all kinds of things to? Do they "lie" when they say they love the other woman but not when they say they love their wives? <P>Why take the risks? If it is just about sex, then why not just use prostitutes or have one night stands? It sure would be a lot simpler. Developing a relationship requires some effort and there is a greater risk of the wife finding out. <P>Also, why is it then that men leave their wives for other women? This is somewhat common, I have seen this over the years? Why would they do this if they could just have the sex anyway? <P>Why then do good, decent men get involved in affairs? Do they suddenly decide that they are in the mood for sex and they target some woman at the office or a neighbor or something? Why do some of these men not want to get out of these relationships so that it is left up to the woman to finally say "no more"? They could easily get sex somewhere else, why go to all the trouble and bother to try to keep up the relationship they are in?

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I guess I am in withdrawal, but I didn't consider what I was doing as an affair, since my H has been gone about 10 months. However, the OM was having an affair with me. And now I'm not so sure what it was about. Obviously, he liked how I looked, he hung out whenever he could around me. We joked and flirted, and it just went from there. One nite he took me home, and I invited him in. No sex, but alot of body contact. He seemed very torn after that, so I don't think this is something he does easily. Eventually we did have sex, and then he backed off for a day or two. He told me he felt pretty confused. So I don't know for sure if it always is just about sex. I think he needed to feel desired, just as I did. He also is the kind of guy he likes to feel needed. And boy, did I need him. But I also knew his kids came first, and I admired him for that. It was really another part of the attraction. Since my own H was able to disassociate from his son, this guy seemed to have character. Twisted thinking on my part.<BR><BR>I guess I'll never know what it was about for him. For me it was attention, affection, reaffirmation that I am desirable.<BR><BR>In any case, what a tangled web....

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I don't know, but I feel a little offended by the tone of this thread, and the male bashing going on. All people are different, all men are different. Everyone has different motives and different emotional needs. I don't even like the word "motive" because then it all sounds premeditated, and most times it's not.<P>Now repeat after me : IT'S NOT ALWAYS ABOUT SEX!!! sheesh.<P>--andy

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I could go on and on...but, thank you Andy! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>

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Thanks Andy,<P>That was my point in my post too. It only adds insult to injury to say that it was only about sex. Grief and withdrawl are painful enough without being told that you were just used. There is no short-cut to get through the stages of grief. Telling someone that you didn't matter anyway so that they will "get over this already" doesn't help. I hope you did not misunderstand my post.

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Bonny, no I did not misinterpret your post. You were very eloquent actually. Thanks.<P>Somehow it doesn't matter now after reading Carol's post.<P>--andy

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Good posts everyone, thanks. How many of us fall into the 90% category where the primary motivation for the OM was sex?<P>I hope the unpleasant acceptance of this truth will help those of you in the 90% category chuck this regretful part of your life and help you focus on rebuilding your marriage.<P>Yes, he had feelings, he liked the emotional/ego boost too, he liked to be needed and appreciated, but the crucial element was sex with someone new who he was physically turned on by.<P>He didn't pick a prostitute because he wanted an ego boost too, he didn't want to risk public embarrassment or blackmail, he wanted someone with as much to lose as himself if he got caught. Yes, it may have just "happened", he may not have planned it from the start, but the end-all be-all was the great sex. And when it comes right down to it, he wants you to be happy but not if it costs him anything meaningful. Forget the bum.<P>

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Bonny, I agree with you, it does add insult to injury to be told we were used by the OP. Many times it is true, but I'm sure there are times it is not. Also not sure about it always being about sex. My OM seemed to be fighting other feelings, maybe he thought it could be about sex only (I tried to convince myself that it could) but he started asking questions such as "what if one of us fell in love with the other". He seemed to need to believe it was more.<BR><BR>Last nite I had a long, no holds barred conversation with a former lover (it was a brief affair, and we are friends now). He told me from a male point of view that it IS about sex, and he thinks I was a convenience for OM. Maybe thats true and it hurts. But realizing that I allowed myself to be used makes the withdrawal a bit easier. As my friend told me...If you don't want to get hit by the train, get off the tracks. So I am taking it one day at a time, trying to fight the desire to contact OM again. I am avoiding the restaurant where he works and I will NOT email him. Now I just have to keep repeating this to myself. I DO NOT NEED HIM !!!! The pain will subside.<BR><P><BR>"River of Tears" Eric Clapton

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Just a quick chime-in...<P>nope, wasn't about sex. <P>As a point of perspective, I'll share with you a laugh Suse and I had a few months back during a verrrrry personal conversation on the subject. I told Suse, "hell, if it was "just" sex, it's easier, safer, and faster just to do it myself!"<P>Nawwwww, 't'aint about sex! No for me, at least.


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