Ok so here goes, my story.... The day after Thanksgiving my H of almost 10 yrs. told me he wasn't in to our marriage anymore. When I tried to get out of him what that meant, I believe he said he wanted out. It is kind of fuzzy in my memory. I went out for a ride after that and had a good cry. That night I tried to talk to him and he responded that he was tired and didn't want to talk. I told him I didn't get it and asked him if he really thought the grass was greener and his reply was yes, I think I can be happier and then he went to sleep on the couch.
The next day he told me he was going to do errands and left about 12 noon and didn't come back until 1:30 am. When I looked out the window to see if it was him he was sitting in his car talking on the phone. He again slept on the couch so I didn't have a chance to talk.
On Sunday I went down to talk to him and he finally told me there was someone else of "interest" but that the reason he wanted out had nothing to do with her. It was that he's been unhappy for a while and that our 10 years together have had our share of problems. I asked him who she was and he told me it didn't matter. After much prodding he told me it was a woman he worked with briefly. I knew who she was because he had talked about her but hadn't mentioned her for a while. He insisted that it was only an "interest" that nothing had happened yet. When I asked him how it went from a friendly lunch with others to a common interest his response was it just happened. I disagreed that those things don't just happen and he admitted to having an occasional coffee with her outside of work. He told me that he wanted to remain friends with me and that we could work this out without much anger. He told me that he wanted to wait until after Christmas to do anything about it and then we would revisit what to do. I agreed and we went for a walk together.
Later on in the week we were sharing the hot tub when he told me that he wouldn't be at the family Christmas party we were having with some of my closest girlfriends that weekend. I said why not? You have a date? He replied yes. I then got very angry and told him that if he wanted to live here that he was not going to date. If that was his intention then he would have to find somewhere else to live. He told me that he wasn't going anywhere that he had every right to stay here. I should mention we bought a new house 9 months ago. Anyway I called him selfish and he got out of tub and went inside. We didn't talk the next day so at work I texted him and told him I was sorry for the name calling, that I didn't want it to be this way and that he should do what he needed to do. I hated myself for doing this but I wanted peace. Big mistake on my part... That Saturday of the party he left at 2:30 after helping me set up and said he was going out with friends. I was a wreck but figured he probably just didn't want to face my friends. He left without showering so I figured he couldn't possibly be going out with his "interest". Later on around 10:30 I texted him to let him know that my fiends had left actually believing that he was over his mothers. To my disappointment his response was that he would be home in the early am. I responded that he sucked! and his answer was well" we knew that didn't we". The next morning he showed up around 10. I should also mention that I have 2 children. a 15 yr old that is his step-son and a 9 yr old that is his. He just strolled in like it wasn't anything out of the ordinary and started talking to 9yr old. I was ready to burst. I told him again ( in private) that if he wanted to live here that he couldn't be doing that. He said well why didn't you tell me that last night? I will hold off on the sleepovers for a while but I'm not stopping contact. So again I did nothing. Later in the week I came across a file on the computer table that had her brief biography and some pictures. She's a yoga instructor and it was just some basic info on that. I didn't say anything because at this point I was trying to keep things peaceful and kind of working on Plan A. The next night he was reading to our son, (he never reads to him and it was a book that I've been reading) so I sat down on the computer to listen and figured I'd check my emails. I closed out his page behind something else was a flyer he was working on for her. I just snapped. I put our son to bed and came back downstairs, handed him the folder and told him he needed to leave. He laughed at me and said he wasn't going anywhere. I told him (I was actually really calm) that I was going up to take a shower and when I got back downstairs I wanted him gone. He said he wouldn't leave. I told him that I needed him to go that I had told 15yr old about our problems last night and that I would tell 9 in the morning. I told him that if he didn't leave I would call the cops and then I went to take a shower. He came up in a few minutes and told me that I was being irrational and if it continued that he would sue for custody. I told him that he couldn't threaten me and asked him if he really thought he'd win custody. His response was at least half definitely and why couldn't he threaten me, I just threatened him. He did leave though without too much more bickering. It's kind of been downhill from there. We're barely talking. I guess I've instituted Plan B but not very successfully. We haven't set up boundaries. I tried calling the girl friend the night he left but she wouldn't answer. He called me ballistic threatening that if I didn't leave her alone and I wanted a fight that he would give me one and that he would massacre me in that kind of fight. After a few more angry words I hung up on him. I haven't tried calling her again though.
The next morning I told my 9yr old when he was wondering where his dad was. I told him that we were having some trouble and that dad was going to stay with Nana for a while. He asked me if we were getting a divorce and I told him probably. He started to cry and asked why. I told him that this was Daddy's choice that he found someone else that he wanted to be with. I told him that Daddy said he didn't love me anymore. I explained that he would always be his dad and that he would always love him. Up until now, he's been a great dad. We made it through the day. That evening H called and said he was going to pick up 9 yr old and get some clothes. I told him that 9 was having a hard time with it and that I didn't think it was a good idea to have him see his dad taking things out of the house. He agreed and said for me to drop him off at his mothers and he would go get clothes then meet him. I thought it would be a good opportunity to talk about how 9 was doing with it so I went back to the house to talk to him before he met up with 9. He didn't want to talk. He was extremely agitated and focused on 3 things... I called the GF, I told 9 without him and that I threatened to call the cops on him for the second time in our marriage. (I did one other time 5 yrs earlier when he was having an affair of the heart, I was never able to prove infidelity at that point but there was definitely a strong attraction that he was unable to control.
He has been out of the house for almost 3 weeks and I'm dying. I cry constantly. I want him back for our family and I'm really sad that he cares so little for me. It got ugly for a while but now we don't talk to each other much. He calls to talk to 9 but I let him answer. We were texting in the beginning but now we hardly talk. When he drops off, I try to be out of the house. I've asked him to come back and work at our marriage. I've printed some of the information about the "fog" for him to see that his feelings aren't original. He tells me that she's the one that he should be with. They like the same books, have the same interests and same sense of humor. He told his mother that his friends weren't surprised and that they told him that they've never seen him happier. He says that he felt great relief in telling me that he wasn't happy so this must be the right decision. He told me that even though he's at his mothers and fighting her for remote at night he's completely at peace and happy about his decision. He sleeps at the mother's only sometimes other times he's at her house. She is no longer married. Don't know why or for how long. I wonder if he's met her daughters because he seems to be there so much. He went there Christmas day and hasn't come home yet. He spent 1 hr and 20 min. with my kids on Christmas.

I'm a mess. Christmas eve was the worst. I ended up crying in front of the kids and I didn't want to. I was frustrated because he was supposed to take the dogs so I could sleep over my mothers for Christmas and the day after. When I texted him about it he said he would only take care of them on Christmas, that he couldn't on Sunday. I called his father to come over and take them out on Sunday and he said he would. Christmas day he texted me that he was going to take dogs because it would be too much driving back and forth. He ended up taking one with him and leaving one at the parents' house. Of course 9 wanted to know where his other dog was. I ended up reiterating that his father had a girlfriend. He was surprised to learn that he slept over, he was also angry because he thought he was taking his dog. I told him no, that he was just watching her.
Today was another bad day. I found a cd that he bought for me a couple of months ago and found it really difficult to think about how we went from being a married couple who enjoyed being with each other to what we are now. How does that happen so fast. How can he just not care about us? We had a blizzard last night and he never even called to check on us. 9 and I shoveled for 2.5 hours. Luckily 9 got invited to a friends and 15 was celebrating Christmas with his dad so I had the house to myself to have a good cry. I am very lucky in the fact that I have a friend who had a similar experience and she found this site to be very helpful so she's encouraged me to post my story. There it is. I know it's long and I could go on for more days but I figure I should stop now. Any advise? Do I do the NC rule? or will that just drive him further into her arms? I feel like he was baiting me to kick him out so he could begin (so he says) his relationship with her but blame me by saying I kicked him out. I feel like I played right into his hands. How do I work on getting him back when he insists that he wants out and doesn't want to try any more? He's says he's completely done. Wouldn't I have seen this coming if that was true? How do I convince him to come home and work on our family? I'm desperate. There are days that I don't think I'll survive this. I won't hurt myself but I feel like I'll die of a broken heart. Pleas give me some advise!

soblue, could you kindly break that down into paragraphs and make it much shorter? More people will read it if you do that. The easier it is to read and understand, the more feedback you will get. Thanks!!

ok sorry. I'm looking for advise on how to save my marriage so I felt the need to tell the whole story. Guess i said too much.

My husband left the and says it has nothing to do with his new girl friend. He says he's unhappy in our marriage but he seemed fine until 2 weeks before he told me of his new"interest". He says it's not an affair because affairs are secret and he is telling me about it. He's moved out and we are barely talking.I need advise on where to go from here.

My WW and I were house shopping up until about 2 days before I found out.

Soblue, I am sorry you are here. There is never a good time for this kind of thing to happen, but the holidays are especially bad. My WW told me right before Thanksgiving ILYBIAMILWY. The fact that you are being so open with your son is great, I am still having a hard time even thinking about telling my kids.

Read, read, read. You will find similar stories to your own in other people's stories. Get familiar with the basic needs, and surviving an affair. The veteran posters will be along soon with more specific advise. Listen to them, many of them have been where you are now, and many have recovered their marriages.

Thanks soblue. If you make it short and sweet, using plenty of paragraphs, it will make it easier for folks to read. Which will get you more help!

Who is OW? You need to get this information as soon as possible, because the first thing to do is EXPOSE this affair.

The number one weapon you have to

Quote

...convince him to come home and work on our family

is to EXPOSE this nasty despicable affair.

Everybody is going to advise you to expose. Let's go ahead and get the excuses for why you won't EXPOSE out of the way.

So why don't you want to EXPOSE?

I'm hoping that you will be more than enthusiastic about EXPOSURE.

Who is the OW? Is she married? Is he living with her?

[fog babble] Talk about justifying. If he really doesn't want it to be an affair maybe a divorce first.

I wonder how he will feel about this when you expose to all of your family and friends. And of course OWs family and friends.

So now if it's no longer a secret, then everybody that matters in his life should know. Don't you think?

Hi soblue,

Welcome to MB's. I am quite new here myself and have found this place to be wonderful for getting support. There are many people here who will be able to guide you in what to do next, that have a great deal of experience.

One thing I should say that I did completely wrong is just for the time being is just to slow down. Take a breather, cool down. The last thing you want to do is letting emotions take hold of you (i know easier said than done). Stay on the forums and the guys here will be able to give you some great advice.

You're doing great, sweetie. Sorry you have to be here! It's just that paragraphs of more than 4 or 5 sentences get hard to read.
Who is the OW? So..he's not keeping this a secret? Interesting and good to know. Because we're going to be talking about that with you very soon - if you'd like to save your M, that is.

There, I broke it down for you so people can read your story.

Welcome to MB. Does your friend post here? Who is she?

Have you read "Surviving an Affair"?

Please read up on Plan A and Plan B an get a good understanding of them.

Is this your second marriage? Your husband's second marriage?

Don't contact your WH any more until you've figured out a plan. You want to avoid LB (lovebusters) as much as possible while you're in Plan A (if that's the direction you go), but for now, just be still, and educate yourself on the plans.

Some of the vets will come along and guide you. You'll want to expose the A but wait and do it properly and for the right reasons. You may need to go ahead and go to Plan B since he's already moved out, but that is also a process. You'll want to follow Dr. H's plans to a "t"-- it doesn't work when you cherry pick parts and ignore other parts.

Hang on, help is on its way.

I've exposed it to his family and he says he's told most of his friends. I've told my family and some mutual friends. I know he lied to one of his co-workers about who the "other" person is but we've told most people.

OWis a woman that he works with. She is a nurse that comes to his work for one hour a day to tube feed a handicapped child. The eat lunch together with others. I think all the co-workers know about it. He is not living with her yet. He's officially living with his mother but spends a lot of time away from his mother's house. She(his mother) says she doesn't know where he is. I am not blind though. The OW is not married anymore, she is divorced but I don't know why or for how long. I know she was dating because my husband used to tell me about her when he talked about his day. He used to tell me about what went on at the lunch period, who the players were and what was going on in their lives.

Waywards Lie. Expose to his friends. Expose at his work. Is he a supervisor?

Thank you! I have read up on plan a and plan b. Not sure I have a good understanding though. Things progressed so fast that I think things got out of control. Not sure how I would do the plan B. I'm thinking Plan A is out now that he is gone.

ok so blue, I made it halfway through that post and think I get it.

What do you know about the OW? Does she have a facebook page?

Does your H work with the OW?

What state do you live in?

This is far from hopeless and if you can follow a plan while controlling your emotions, there is HOPE.

I am cooking up a PLAN right now....

No he's not a supervisor. I don't know who else to tell, he's told them all. I'm sure of it. I ran into one at the gym and she avoided me like the plague.

Couldn't find a facebook page. Can't really find anything on her on internet. Just useless information. I don't know her but I know who she is. He does work with her and he used to tell me about her, along with all the others he works with.

We live in Massachusetts

That is interesting that he lied to his co-worker. That tells me that he KNOWS her job would be in serious jeopardy if they knew what she was doing. Do you know the name of her company? Does she work for your H's company or is she a visiting nurse?

WHAT did you tell his family exactly?


Does his mother condone his adultery?

How come your kids don't know? Is she still living there? You must be doing Plan A?