Ok so here goes, my story.... The day after Thanksgiving my H of almost 10 yrs. told me he wasn't in to our marriage anymore. When I tried to get out of him what that meant, I believe he said he wanted out. It is kind of fuzzy in my memory. I went out for a ride after that and had a good cry. That night I tried to talk to him and he responded that he was tired and didn't want to talk. I told him I didn't get it and asked him if he really thought the grass was greener and his reply was yes, I think I can be happier and then he went to sleep on the couch.
The next day he told me he was going to do errands and left about 12 noon and didn't come back until 1:30 am. When I looked out the window to see if it was him he was sitting in his car talking on the phone. He again slept on the couch so I didn't have a chance to talk.
On Sunday I went down to talk to him and he finally told me there was someone else of "interest" but that the reason he wanted out had nothing to do with her. It was that he's been unhappy for a while and that our 10 years together have had our share of problems. I asked him who she was and he told me it didn't matter. After much prodding he told me it was a woman he worked with briefly. I knew who she was because he had talked about her but hadn't mentioned her for a while. He insisted that it was only an "interest" that nothing had happened yet. When I asked him how it went from a friendly lunch with others to a common interest his response was it just happened. I disagreed that those things don't just happen and he admitted to having an occasional coffee with her outside of work. He told me that he wanted to remain friends with me and that we could work this out without much anger. He told me that he wanted to wait until after Christmas to do anything about it and then we would revisit what to do. I agreed and we went for a walk together.
Later on in the week we were sharing the hot tub when he told me that he wouldn't be at the family Christmas party we were having with some of my closest girlfriends that weekend. I said why not? You have a date? He replied yes. I then got very angry and told him that if he wanted to live here that he was not going to date. If that was his intention then he would have to find somewhere else to live. He told me that he wasn't going anywhere that he had every right to stay here. I should mention we bought a new house 9 months ago. Anyway I called him selfish and he got out of tub and went inside. We didn't talk the next day so at work I texted him and told him I was sorry for the name calling, that I didn't want it to be this way and that he should do what he needed to do. I hated myself for doing this but I wanted peace. Big mistake on my part... That Saturday of the party he left at 2:30 after helping me set up and said he was going out with friends. I was a wreck but figured he probably just didn't want to face my friends. He left without showering so I figured he couldn't possibly be going out with his "interest". Later on around 10:30 I texted him to let him know that my fiends had left actually believing that he was over his mothers. To my disappointment his response was that he would be home in the early am. I responded that he sucked! and his answer was well" we knew that didn't we". The next morning he showed up around 10. I should also mention that I have 2 children. a 15 yr old that is his step-son and a 9 yr old that is his. He just strolled in like it wasn't anything out of the ordinary and started talking to 9yr old. I was ready to burst. I told him again ( in private) that if he wanted to live here that he couldn't be doing that. He said well why didn't you tell me that last night? I will hold off on the sleepovers for a while but I'm not stopping contact. So again I did nothing. Later in the week I came across a file on the computer table that had her brief biography and some pictures. She's a yoga instructor and it was just some basic info on that. I didn't say anything because at this point I was trying to keep things peaceful and kind of working on Plan A. The next night he was reading to our son, (he never reads to him and it was a book that I've been reading) so I sat down on the computer to listen and figured I'd check my emails. I closed out his page behind something else was a flyer he was working on for her. I just snapped. I put our son to bed and came back downstairs, handed him the folder and told him he needed to leave. He laughed at me and said he wasn't going anywhere. I told him (I was actually really calm) that I was going up to take a shower and when I got back downstairs I wanted him gone. He said he wouldn't leave. I told him that I needed him to go that I had told 15yr old about our problems last night and that I would tell 9 in the morning. I told him that if he didn't leave I would call the cops and then I went to take a shower. He came up in a few minutes and told me that I was being irrational and if it continued that he would sue for custody. I told him that he couldn't threaten me and asked him if he really thought he'd win custody. His response was at least half definitely and why couldn't he threaten me, I just threatened him. He did leave though without too much more bickering. It's kind of been downhill from there. We're barely talking. I guess I've instituted Plan B but not very successfully. We haven't set up boundaries. I tried calling the girl friend the night he left but she wouldn't answer. He called me ballistic threatening that if I didn't leave her alone and I wanted a fight that he would give me one and that he would massacre me in that kind of fight. After a few more angry words I hung up on him. I haven't tried calling her again though.
The next morning I told my 9yr old when he was wondering where his dad was. I told him that we were having some trouble and that dad was going to stay with Nana for a while. He asked me if we were getting a divorce and I told him probably. He started to cry and asked why. I told him that this was Daddy's choice that he found someone else that he wanted to be with. I told him that Daddy said he didn't love me anymore. I explained that he would always be his dad and that he would always love him. Up until now, he's been a great dad. We made it through the day. That evening H called and said he was going to pick up 9 yr old and get some clothes. I told him that 9 was having a hard time with it and that I didn't think it was a good idea to have him see his dad taking things out of the house. He agreed and said for me to drop him off at his mothers and he would go get clothes then meet him. I thought it would be a good opportunity to talk about how 9 was doing with it so I went back to the house to talk to him before he met up with 9. He didn't want to talk. He was extremely agitated and focused on 3 things... I called the GF, I told 9 without him and that I threatened to call the cops on him for the second time in our marriage. (I did one other time 5 yrs earlier when he was having an affair of the heart, I was never able to prove infidelity at that point but there was definitely a strong attraction that he was unable to control.
He has been out of the house for almost 3 weeks and I'm dying. I cry constantly. I want him back for our family and I'm really sad that he cares so little for me. It got ugly for a while but now we don't talk to each other much. He calls to talk to 9 but I let him answer. We were texting in the beginning but now we hardly talk. When he drops off, I try to be out of the house. I've asked him to come back and work at our marriage. I've printed some of the information about the "fog" for him to see that his feelings aren't original. He tells me that she's the one that he should be with. They like the same books, have the same interests and same sense of humor. He told his mother that his friends weren't surprised and that they told him that they've never seen him happier. He says that he felt great relief in telling me that he wasn't happy so this must be the right decision. He told me that even though he's at his mothers and fighting her for remote at night he's completely at peace and happy about his decision. He sleeps at the mother's only sometimes other times he's at her house. She is no longer married. Don't know why or for how long. I wonder if he's met her daughters because he seems to be there so much. He went there Christmas day and hasn't come home yet. He spent 1 hr and 20 min. with my kids on Christmas.

I'm a mess. Christmas eve was the worst. I ended up crying in front of the kids and I didn't want to. I was frustrated because he was supposed to take the dogs so I could sleep over my mothers for Christmas and the day after. When I texted him about it he said he would only take care of them on Christmas, that he couldn't on Sunday. I called his father to come over and take them out on Sunday and he said he would. Christmas day he texted me that he was going to take dogs because it would be too much driving back and forth. He ended up taking one with him and leaving one at the parents' house. Of course 9 wanted to know where his other dog was. I ended up reiterating that his father had a girlfriend. He was surprised to learn that he slept over, he was also angry because he thought he was taking his dog. I told him no, that he was just watching her.
Today was another bad day. I found a cd that he bought for me a couple of months ago and found it really difficult to think about how we went from being a married couple who enjoyed being with each other to what we are now. How does that happen so fast. How can he just not care about us? We had a blizzard last night and he never even called to check on us. 9 and I shoveled for 2.5 hours. Luckily 9 got invited to a friends and 15 was celebrating Christmas with his dad so I had the house to myself to have a good cry. I am very lucky in the fact that I have a friend who had a similar experience and she found this site to be very helpful so she's encouraged me to post my story. There it is. I know it's long and I could go on for more days but I figure I should stop now. Any advise? Do I do the NC rule? or will that just drive him further into her arms? I feel like he was baiting me to kick him out so he could begin (so he says) his relationship with her but blame me by saying I kicked him out. I feel like I played right into his hands. How do I work on getting him back when he insists that he wants out and doesn't want to try any more? He's says he's completely done. Wouldn't I have seen this coming if that was true? How do I convince him to come home and work on our family? I'm desperate. There are days that I don't think I'll survive this. I won't hurt myself but I feel like I'll die of a broken heart. Pleas give me some advise!

soblue, could you kindly break that down into paragraphs and make it much shorter? More people will read it if you do that. The easier it is to read and understand, the more feedback you will get. Thanks!!

ok sorry. I'm looking for advise on how to save my marriage so I felt the need to tell the whole story. Guess i said too much.

My husband left the and says it has nothing to do with his new girl friend. He says he's unhappy in our marriage but he seemed fine until 2 weeks before he told me of his new"interest". He says it's not an affair because affairs are secret and he is telling me about it. He's moved out and we are barely talking.I need advise on where to go from here.

My WW and I were house shopping up until about 2 days before I found out.

Soblue, I am sorry you are here. There is never a good time for this kind of thing to happen, but the holidays are especially bad. My WW told me right before Thanksgiving ILYBIAMILWY. The fact that you are being so open with your son is great, I am still having a hard time even thinking about telling my kids.

Read, read, read. You will find similar stories to your own in other people's stories. Get familiar with the basic needs, and surviving an affair. The veteran posters will be along soon with more specific advise. Listen to them, many of them have been where you are now, and many have recovered their marriages.

Thanks soblue. If you make it short and sweet, using plenty of paragraphs, it will make it easier for folks to read. Which will get you more help!

Who is OW? You need to get this information as soon as possible, because the first thing to do is EXPOSE this affair.

The number one weapon you have to

Quote

...convince him to come home and work on our family

is to EXPOSE this nasty despicable affair.

Everybody is going to advise you to expose. Let's go ahead and get the excuses for why you won't EXPOSE out of the way.

So why don't you want to EXPOSE?

I'm hoping that you will be more than enthusiastic about EXPOSURE.

Who is the OW? Is she married? Is he living with her?

[fog babble] Talk about justifying. If he really doesn't want it to be an affair maybe a divorce first.

I wonder how he will feel about this when you expose to all of your family and friends. And of course OWs family and friends.

So now if it's no longer a secret, then everybody that matters in his life should know. Don't you think?

Hi soblue,

Welcome to MB's. I am quite new here myself and have found this place to be wonderful for getting support. There are many people here who will be able to guide you in what to do next, that have a great deal of experience.

One thing I should say that I did completely wrong is just for the time being is just to slow down. Take a breather, cool down. The last thing you want to do is letting emotions take hold of you (i know easier said than done). Stay on the forums and the guys here will be able to give you some great advice.

You're doing great, sweetie. Sorry you have to be here! It's just that paragraphs of more than 4 or 5 sentences get hard to read.
Who is the OW? So..he's not keeping this a secret? Interesting and good to know. Because we're going to be talking about that with you very soon - if you'd like to save your M, that is.

There, I broke it down for you so people can read your story.

Welcome to MB. Does your friend post here? Who is she?

Have you read "Surviving an Affair"?

Please read up on Plan A and Plan B an get a good understanding of them.

Is this your second marriage? Your husband's second marriage?

Don't contact your WH any more until you've figured out a plan. You want to avoid LB (lovebusters) as much as possible while you're in Plan A (if that's the direction you go), but for now, just be still, and educate yourself on the plans.

Some of the vets will come along and guide you. You'll want to expose the A but wait and do it properly and for the right reasons. You may need to go ahead and go to Plan B since he's already moved out, but that is also a process. You'll want to follow Dr. H's plans to a "t"-- it doesn't work when you cherry pick parts and ignore other parts.

Hang on, help is on its way.

I've exposed it to his family and he says he's told most of his friends. I've told my family and some mutual friends. I know he lied to one of his co-workers about who the "other" person is but we've told most people.

OWis a woman that he works with. She is a nurse that comes to his work for one hour a day to tube feed a handicapped child. The eat lunch together with others. I think all the co-workers know about it. He is not living with her yet. He's officially living with his mother but spends a lot of time away from his mother's house. She(his mother) says she doesn't know where he is. I am not blind though. The OW is not married anymore, she is divorced but I don't know why or for how long. I know she was dating because my husband used to tell me about her when he talked about his day. He used to tell me about what went on at the lunch period, who the players were and what was going on in their lives.

Waywards Lie. Expose to his friends. Expose at his work. Is he a supervisor?

Thank you! I have read up on plan a and plan b. Not sure I have a good understanding though. Things progressed so fast that I think things got out of control. Not sure how I would do the plan B. I'm thinking Plan A is out now that he is gone.

ok so blue, I made it halfway through that post and think I get it.

What do you know about the OW? Does she have a facebook page?

Does your H work with the OW?

What state do you live in?

This is far from hopeless and if you can follow a plan while controlling your emotions, there is HOPE.

I am cooking up a PLAN right now....

No he's not a supervisor. I don't know who else to tell, he's told them all. I'm sure of it. I ran into one at the gym and she avoided me like the plague.

Couldn't find a facebook page. Can't really find anything on her on internet. Just useless information. I don't know her but I know who she is. He does work with her and he used to tell me about her, along with all the others he works with.

We live in Massachusetts

That is interesting that he lied to his co-worker. That tells me that he KNOWS her job would be in serious jeopardy if they knew what she was doing. Do you know the name of her company? Does she work for your H's company or is she a visiting nurse?

WHAT did you tell his family exactly?


Does his mother condone his adultery?

How come your kids don't know? Is she still living there? You must be doing Plan A?

I am sure he told her a lie about his "moving on." I seriously doubt that he told her the truth, ie: I am having an affair with skanky and have abandoned my family and marriage for this ho.

I told his mother exactly what he told me then I told her about his "interest". She doesn't condone adultery but she is stuck between a rock and a hard place. Though she's being supportive, it's still her son I guess.

He lied to his friend/co-worker because she wouldn't condone what he's doing. I am friendly with this co-worker and we've spent some time with each others families. He's a teacher and OW is a nurse who works with one of his students. She works for a collaborative but is paid by the school district. I don't think school district could be bothered with such trivial matters.

He told me that he told her and that she guessed who the OW was so he told her that too. She was wondering how he had gotten caught. He told her he didn't get caught, he told me the truth.

How do I make sure that I read the responses that are to me?

Your husband lied to her and no, she is not being "supportive." No caring mother would sit by idly while her son behaved in such a low down trashy mannner. You need to speak to her and make sure she has the truth and ask her to TRULY SUPPORT her son by killing the affair and by stopping her enablig of the affair.


Ok, many school districts do take adultery very seriously and I assure you that the OW's company would take it seriously too.

You can cause enormous damage to this affair if you strategically expose this affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy so exposing it will ruin the fantasy. When your H's female coworkers find out what is going on, the OW will become a pariah at school. You can enlist the help of others to run her off.

This is your greatest chance to save your marriage. Your H is high on an addictive affair and by exposing it, you will ruin it. Ruin the affair and you have a chance to save your marriage.

I would methodically and calmly expose this affair. Send a letter to the Director of Human Resources, the school principal, the school superintendent, and the same cast of characters at the OW's employer. [we have a sample letter]

Compile a list of some of your H's coworkers and send them an email on the same day telling them about the affair and asking for their support in persuading your H and skanky to end their affair.

On this same day, call up your MIL and all your close relatives on both sides. Tell them about the affair, tell them you are trying to save your marriage and ask them to use their influence to persuade your H to end his affair.

Ask your MIL to contact the OW directly and tell that old ho to buzz off.

Sit your kids down the night before you do this and tell them all about their dad's affair. Tell them you are trying to save your marriage.

And lastly, consider taking a couple of friends and paying the OW a personal visit. LEt her know that hell is coming her way if she does not stay away from your husband. Let her know if this doesn't stop you will be filing on grounds of adultery and will have her sorry vile [censored] hauled into court to give testimony under oath. Let her know there is no future for her because she will be eternally hated by your kids and your in-laws for breaking up their family.

This plan is the best chance you have at saving your marriage. Once you kill the affair, you can start working on the carrot of Plan A.

I am not so sure the school district would consider it a trivial matter. It sounds like your husband is a Special Education teacher and the OW is a support person included in the child's IEP. In that situation, the school district's legal department could have to deal with two possibilities: 1) OW claims sexual harassment by your husband and sues school district; 2) Parent claims child was neglected because OW and your husband were so busy with each other that child's care suffered. Long shots? Probably, but not impossibilities and not something a school district would consider trivial.

I can't speak for every parent, but if the child was mine (and I do have a special needs child), I would be livid. I want the people that are paid to educate and/or care for my child to be focused on him and his needs... not flirting with one another.

The parents of the student should also be told the OW is having an affair with his teacher. They have a right to know their child is being exposed to unfit adults.

I would feel the same. All hell would break loose if my son's nurse and teacher were having an adulterous affair. I would want my child removed from that environment.

Maybe she did, and maybe you imagined it. Maybe she did, because she knew and didn't want to talk with you about it. Maybe she suspects and didn't want to alarm you with her suspicions. You don't know any of this for sure. You need to confirm it for yourself.

The child will most likely not be the one removed from the environment... the nurse or teacher would be. But yes! The situation would change and quickly.

Hey soblue! Glad you came here...

I am SoBblue's friend ans sister-in-law. I came here and got help and am still working in recovery. My husband and soblue's are brothers and used to be close friend until my husband's affair.

soble please listen and expose to the school! Please listen to meodylane and others

It's time to go ape-**** on this affair. First get a good exposure letter and send it to your WH's HR representative, his boss, and his boss's boss. If he works for the school district, bring it up to the board. Make there be consequences for his behavior. Consequences will change someone's behavior. Right now he just comes and goes as he pleases. Secondly, I would get with a lawyer and file for legals separation. It protects you financially, and it exposes him to some REAL financial consequences. Get yourself primary custody, and get spousal and child support directly deducted from his paycheck. That ought to put a damper on his affair. Also, find out who OW is, find out info about her (hire a PI if you have to), and expose to anyone and everyone that knows her. Chase her off. Expose to her employer, expose to her family, her friends, her ex husband (if she still isn't married). Let everyone know what a homewrecker she is. You want to do everything in your power to break them up. The quicker they break up, the quicker your husband comes home. You just try and exepedite the process.

Also, what state do you live in, because proof of infidelity can help in the case financially as well, so it would be even more consequences.

Hi MBJG! I am amazed at your MIL. Was she so uncaring in your situation?

I'm so scared and confused. I don't want to deal with his anger. He can be brutal with his rages. Is there a template for the letter that I could send to his principal?

What should I ask from his mother?

We live in Massachusetts. Everything goes here and there really aren't any consequences for adultery.

Mother in Law cares deeply but doesn't know what to do...she is upset and very confused on how both of her sons cheated / walked away from their families in one year's time. Her way of coping though is by essentially tell him he is selfish and it isn't right...but no actions to follow through. Right now she is enabling- soblue's husband/her son can stay at the house (no rent) and come and go when he pleases...and she takes care of the dogs and chickens for him when he isn't there with the mindset that this helps soblue as well.


STAY STRONG TODAY SOBLUE! I know it's a sweet day- and a hard day this year.

Okay, she's a mother who is enabling her sons. But she's also a grandmother. I would enlist her support in putting pressure on her son to end his affair in light of the fact that her grandchildren will be affected forever by a divorce. AND Grandmother will have much less time with her grandchildren. Can she be made to understand that this matter affects the WHOLE family structure? That it's not just some little private thing her son is doing by himself?

Do yourself a favor. Carry a voice activated digital recorder with you. If he comes over and rages, just record it. I don't know the laws in your state, so you might need to check with your lawyer (for taping without his knowledge. If you aren't allowed to do that in MA, I would just pull it out so he knew you were recording. That should shut him up. And if not, you can use it against him. Maybe you can get a restraining order against him. Remember, people rarely change until they hit rock bottom. You are there to help him hit rock bottom the fastest, so he can start getting back up. Don't be afraid if his rages. He is using them to manipulate and control you. Take that power back from him.

soblue, i need you to collect yourself and strategically execute all of these exposures on the same day. Can you do this? Exosing to everyone on the same day causes a tsunami effect that creates the greatest impact. It prevents the affairees from pre-empting you with the crazy wife story. Do you understand?

So please sit down, write out all the targets you think would be most effective, friends, employers, pastors, family members. AND your children. Get your list ready and then determine the best day you can get to all or most of these people. Come back here and lets discuss your plan and your timing.

I will post a sample letter for the workplace exposures in the next post.

When you call your MIL, tell her that WS is having an affair with Skanky and that is why he left. He is carrying on the affair from the comforts of her home. Ask her to support you in saving your family for you and your kids. ASK HER ADVICE and see how she would feel about calling the OW and persuading her to leave WS alone. [give her skanky's #]

Try and find the OW's facebook page. If you can't find one, then try and find her parents contact info and add them to your list. Find out as much as you can about her! Do you know of any of her friends?

If your H has a problem with rages, I would plan on being AWAY somewhere safe when you do this exposure. Do you have a relative you and the kids can stay with for a couple of days?

Has your H ever hit you?

Developed by Brits Brat, board member and corporate attorney

To Whom It May Concern:

This letter is to bring a matter to your attention that may be a violation of your Company's Code of Conduct and/or other policies, procedures and business ethics.

WS and WS are involved in an extramarital affair that is taking place, primarily, in the workplace. Aside from the potential sexual harassment claims this situation presents, it also involves the inappropriate use of company resources and assets. WS and WS are using company time and company resources to further their affair. If you check the call histories on their office and cell phones along with their workstation computers, you will find the two of them are spending an inordinate amount of what should be productive work time to further their sexual relationship.

If you have any questions, please call me at xxx-xxxx. Otherwise, I will anticipate a response from you once you have investigated these concerns and taken appropriate corrective action.

Regards,

BS

soblue, please ask your MIL to kick him out of her home. Tell her you got good advice from Marriage Builders that letting him stay there only enables his affair. It makes it easier for him to carry on his affair.

Does she know he is cavorting with this skank from her home? And more importantly, WILL SHE CALL UP THIS SKANK AND RUN HER OFF? If my son were acting so shamefully, I would run off the OW by paying her a little visit. Will she do that for you and your kids?

MBJG, can you please help her find some information on the OW? A facebook page would be ideal.

There are always consequences for adultery, and you are most unfortunately experiencing the bulk of them.

Even if the school system is unconcerned about the morality of the situation, it is very concerned about reckless behaviors that leave the system open to possible legal action.

No, it's not that he's violent. He just knows my weaknesses and how to expose them. He's can be very manipulative and his threat about massacre me in a dirty fight are real. I don't know how or want to fight dirty. I want to see the good in people and not fall to their level.

Well, are you up for a nice, clean fight to save your marriage?

soblue, you've got to stop distracting yourself by dissecting good vs. evil, mean vs. nice. None of that is important for what you need to do.

Don't base your actions on what your WH may or may not do, or what kinds of threats he cares to spout. The fact that you are doing so means he is successfully manipulating you right now.

There is a course of action that you need to take, but you have to lose this fear of the unknown.

soblue, now is not the time to allow yourself to be driven by fear. So your H wants to fight dirty? You will have much more power if you fight CLEAN. Expose his darkness and do not allow yourself to be manipulated. Your H is lost and if you allow him to manipulate you, your children lose. Stand up for them and fight for your marriage and your children's family.

Your H already has enough enablers in his life, he needs someone to stand up for him and take a stand when he is LOST. Can you stand up for him?

It's not a matter of 'falling to his level'. It's a matter of bringing him back UP to the level he once was. Time to put on the big girl stuff, stand up to him (calmly) and save your marriage. Believe me, I don't post much or often, but I've been around these boards and reading them for over 2 years. MelodyLane will NOT tell you wrong!! Listen to her. My backbone was so stiff, I thought it would break..and guess what? It didn't, he threatened for 4 hours and as I stayed strong and got stronger, HE backed down. Believe me...he was TRUE to the Script for Wayturds...word for word. At this point, your WH has already 'left'. What do you have to lose? NOTHING and EVERYTHING TO GAIN.

Does anyone have a good no contact letter? I need to keep him away from me right now and for a while. I just saw him when he dropped off our son and I feel so vulnerable and weak. He brings out the worst in me.

Could or should I show these posts to MIL? I need to have her support in what I'm about to do. She will be my contact person for child/children.

Today is our child's birthday so I feel extremely sad, almost as bad as Christmas Eve.

He's done this to me before and I swore I'd never feel like this again. All words, this time it's worse, he left. I was never able to prove he was having a physical affair but it was definitely an inappropriate relationship. Is it even worth trying to save the marriage so that he can do this to me again?

You need to have someone that is NOT emotionally involved/invested in your marriage. Someone neutral that will keep all the 'crap' out of messages that need to be passed. I'm not sure MIL is a good choice for that. Support...yes.

soblue, I would focus now on exposing the affair. Get that done first and then we can help you with Plan B.

You feel vulnerable and weak because you have BEEN vulnerable and weak. You will feel much better if you start fighting for your marriage. Part of the reason your H is so entitled is because he has got away with this before. I would not let that happen again.

Has your son been exposed to this skank?

soblue, I would ask for her support by asking her to contact the OW and to boot your H out. I worry that she will bring your H here, though, so I wouldn't show her. She might not be the best IM for your children since she cannot be a neutral party.

My son knows that his father has a new girlfriend. He has not met her. He guessed who she was though when we talking about it last night. I didn't deny or say yes. Just asked him why he came up with that name.

soblue, your son needs to be told that his father has abandoned his family for an adulterous affair. You need to stop covering for your husband and tell that child and everyone the truth. That is sickening that your H is allowed to poison his child with his filthy affair as if it is ok. He is trying to drag your child into it in an attempt to normalize his filthy affair.

Set that child down NOW and tell him the truth. Tell him WHY adultery is immoral and that you are doing everything in your power to save his family.

Tell that child the truth and get on the phone and start exposing this affair. Tell your scummy H he is not to introduce this child to his filthy affair or you will be filing for divorce and prevent him legally!

soblue, you need to BUCKLE UP HERE, GIRL! This is the OK Corral and if you don't start standing up you are going to lose your marriage.

A "girlfriend"? That is not a "girlfriend!" That is an ADULTERY PARTNER. Don't help your H teach that boy that wrong is right. That is gross parental neglect to go along with your H's corruption of that child. Don't let him screw with his head like that!

It is your God given parental responsibility to teach that child right from wrong.

Is there something I can put on his phone to find the numbers that I need?

What #s do you need?

I need OW's and some of his friends.

Flexispy works for recovering any info including deleted texts on cell phones.

Change this updown, soblue. Your H does not have a girlfriend. He has an adulterous affair partner.

You don't want something as scuzzy as an affair to be equated one day with your son's first date. That's a girlfriend.

soblue, look up the friends' # in directory assistance. For now, you don't need the OW's #, but I would find out where she lives and pay her a visit when you are done with exposure.

Can you please tell me what you are doing and what your plan is so we can help you fine tune this?

Please don't go off half cocked and do this half way. If you do this half way, you are doomed. A little exposure is about like shooting the intruder with a BB gun. You do just enough damage to piss him off and cause him to come after you with MORE vigor.

You need to find a facebook page and/or the parents of the OW. CAn you find this?

Ok so my plan... I have to expose the affair. I guess that just means his boss and her boss. He has told most everyone else. He did lie to one friend and tell her his other interest was not from the work place. I was toying with the idea of calling his boss on the phone instead of making it a public record with email. I'm still pretty scattered with what I am planning so I guess I need step by step instructions.

How does this work?

you will need to re-expose to everyone he told and say ''i kno my wh has told you he is having an affair but I need your help and make him see that what he is doing is ruining our families life. Can you talk to him'' see if they can put more pressure on him.

Find out who the ow parents are and friends

There are templates that melody posted that u can use for their bosses, but you need to go higher up and hit the HR as well.

You need to call his mom and tell her everything and ask her to stop enabling her son to have an affair.

We know you can do this if you truley want to save your mariage then nuclear exposure is the key. If you are afriad to do it then you moght as well get a divorce because he has done this before and he'll do it again. Unless you wake him up from this fog then he has no desire to come back to you, and the best way to do that is to tell everyone that he knows and everone that she knows.

Good luck.

Make up a list of everyone who needs to be told and call them and tell them anyway. I am sure your H told them some lie like "we broke up and I met someone new." YOU need to call them up and say: "WS has left us for his affair with this skanky ho. I am asking that you use your influence to persuade him to end his affair and come home."


Call her up too.


This is very ineffective. Write out the letter and cc several people on it. Send it registered mail so it can't be ignored. You can call him AFTERWARDS, but you want to make your exposure official and PUBLIC. IT needs to be in his record.

Send the letter to the OW's employer, the principal at school, the superintendent, and the director of Human Resources along with any other officials who have direct power over this.


You need to find the OW's facebook page. Have you been looking for it? Can you find her parents? Do you know any of her friends, relatives?

What about timing? Is school open this week? I would get your letter written today and take it down to the post office today. Expose to everyone else on the day it is scheduled to hit the school.

Are you reading my emails, soblue? Lets get going here!

Have you googled her name? This may bring up some good intel for you. If she is on FB, LinkedIn or other social networking sites the chance is good it'll come up on Google.

Are you in the United States? Try www.intelius.com You can type her name into the box and hit 'search'. That will bring up her name as well as a list of associated names (parents, siblings, SPOUSES). You can get extra info if you pay $1.95 for a 24 hr search pass.

Sorry, I had to take some time away for my son's 9th b-day.

MBJG found the facebook page for me. She doesn't have any friends listed. I know that she is on linked in too. should I set up an account?

I will write the letter tonight. but I still don't fully understand why I have to contact the human resource person and superintendent. The principal is in charge and won't like me going over her head. I'm in education also and I know principals get angry when they are not contacted first and then if things aren't resolved then go over head.

I'm not doubting you, just want to be real clear here because I have a feeling that this bomb is going to explode on me too.

The best are her quotes on FB

Quotations
"I'm looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love. "

Because Nice Matters

Because if you DON'T cc several other people, she is free to do whatever he chooses, up to and including sweeping it under the RUG, which is very common. You must notify several people so no one gives into that temptation. IF the principal is "mad", so what? You want her to be forced to strictly follow school guidelines.

ok, if you can't find her friends and her parents, then I would go to:
peekyou.com
peoplesmart.com
intelius.com

and find her parents and/or relatives. Do you know the names of any relatives? If you do, you can search those relatives on facebook and see if you can get her parents and relatives that way.

If you can't find anything there, I would consider paying a PI [around $350] to do a background check on her so you can get the names and addresses of her parents.

Have you tried googling the OW's name?

Ok here is the exposure letter. I really need some support on the fact that this is right thing to do because I am really having a hard time with this. I know it's a real battle for my marriage. I'm just a bundle of nerves.

Dear 888888,

I am writing you this letter to inform you of the fact that my husband ****** and nurse assistant ****** are having an adulterous affair. They met in his classroom during the time when ****** is supposed to be working with *****"s student *****.

I am fighting to save my marriage. His children and I are devastated by this sudden turn of events. He has moved out of the house and is now continuing the relationship with her telling me that he has met someone who he should be with. I am asking your support because as you know, being in education, a two parent family is very important to the well being of children. Please support my efforts in ending this devastating affair.

I know he has been accused in the past of extramarital affairs but I can assure you this time it is happening. Aside from the potential sexual harassment claims this situation presents, it also involves the inappropriate use of school resources and assets. I know that if ***** were my child I would be furious at the fact that they are using their time to get to know each other better when ***** is supposed to be focused on ******. I know he has been a great employee and I am worried about this hurting his reputation. I am shocked and concerned by his behavior.

I will cc this letter to her boss and the superintendent of schools as well. Should you have any questions please don�t hesitate to contact me at *******. If not I look forward to hearing from you once this has been resolved.

Thank you for your support of my family!
*********

I will contact my lawyer and have him draw up a separation agreement to protect myself from any repercussions from this.

Here are my thoughts. And you don't need to tell them you're cc'ing anyone - just make sure you put the cc info at the bottom of the letter so they can see where you sent it.

My friend, you need to put aside your nerves and take some advice from those of us who have saved our marriages. While there are no guarantees, this is your best chance. By helping him hide his affair, you are ENABLING it. That harms you ALL. This is your best chance.

Your marriage can survive your H's temporary anger, IT CANNOT SURVIVE AN AFFAIR.

Your letter is very good! I have made a few minor adjustments! Have you had any luck in finding the OW's parents? What about the disabled child's parents?

WHAT does this mean? HE has had other affairs at work?

What repercussions? soblue, I would not file for separation unless he refuses to end his affair. Let's expose first and THEN you can go to him and DEMAND he end his affair. If he doesn't, THEN you can file for divorce and go into Plan B.

What? There are no repercussions except really PO'ing your WH. That is a separate issue if things don't improve after exposure. You are putting the cart before the horse. Who said anything about separation?

I have a feeling this guy has had ALOT of affairs in the past that have been swept under the rug. If he gets accused of it at work, there is probably some fire under that smoke.

I guess I'm just worried. All of our bank accounts and such. I've heard horror stories and read them on here of the wws taking all the money out of the bank accounts. I will put it on hold if you think that is best. I really don't want to do it anyway. Just worried and trying to cover all bases.

He had an affair of the heart with a coworker about 5 yrs. ago. Not sure it it developed into anything physical or not. One of the janitors started a rumor about them. This one was damaging to our marriage. We got counseling and were doing well I thought. This is the woman I ran into at the gym last week. Also one of his friends that is telling him that they've never seen him happier.

He is a male who works primarily with women. He also socializes with women. Another colleague started a rumor about him and another colleague last year. He and the other accused went to the principal to complain about the rumor. This one was only a friendship, I know for certain there was not an affair with this one. This woman is also enabling him. She told him it wasn't fair for him to stay in the marriage if he was unhappy, it was unfair to both of us.

Neither of these woman will be of any help to me, they both know of the affair and don't seem to care about the devastating effects it's having on my family.

REmove your money to a safe place for now. If he cuts you off financially any judge will make mincemeat of him.

I would add this info to your letter along with the OW's name. They need to know he is a serial cheater who is a very loose cannon. He is a legal risk to the school.

Does he still work with the last OW?

Also, did you get the address of the disabled child's parents?

Yes, they still work together. I think this affair is part of his hitting rock bottom. The 1st OW recently split with her hubby, his actions were also unacceptable. Anyway after a year she is dating again and she is dating wealthy men. Not someone of my wwh's caliber. I honestly think that my wwh is having a hard time with the fact that she is dating. Maybe he thought he had a chance and now sees her for who she really is. Not sure all just a guess.

I don't even know the child's last name. All of that would be protected with privacy rights I'm sure.

There is no way you can find a class roster with the children's names?

This is why your marriage never recovered the first time. They continued to work together. When this happens, they never get out of the fog and just move onto the next affair.

I bet you will find that the affair continued for some time if you call the OW's husband. Have you ever spoken to him about this affair?

I didn't delete that part of your letter because I thought you knew the child's name. If you can get that it will add a lot of gunpowder to the letter. Is there no way you can do a little sleuthing to dig this up?

Keep updating..
Talk it out with us. We understand fear. We understand hesitation. We also understand what helps.

Ok do I have enough to send out the letters or do I continue to wait? As I have been told if I don't' follow it to a T I'll mess it up. I can't afford to go through all this just to screw up. Went out for a run, heads a bit clearer.

Here's my list:
Family, Aunt, Uncle and Parents, S-I-L too ha,ha.Thanks MBJG!
Friends: two older friends of his that have a lot of influence on him and the friend that he lied to at work about the "who" and an older friend that he thinks very highly of that is good friends with both of us. The super, his principal and her boss. Is that good enough, I've looked for his class list and staff list and I think he took it with him. It's usually by computer.

Here's the Family/friend letter:

Dear Family and Friends,

I am writing this letter to enlist you in helping me save my marriage and family. If you are receiving this letter you are a good friend to WWH. I am worried about the poor decisions that he has been making lately.

As you know he has chosen to walk away from me and the children. He insists that he hasn�t been happy and has wanted out for a long time. I know in my heart that this is not true. It�s the addictive substance of another woman clouding his brain at the moment. I am asking your help in trying to get him to come out of the fog. Many of you know me, perhaps not all very well. I love John and want what is best for him and for my family. I believe that if he truly wanted out of our marriage he would have done that, without the influence of another woman. I am asking you to use any influence you may have over him to help him see the error of his ways. If he truly isn�t in love with me as he says then he should take the time to end our relationship before getting himself involved in another one. He is heading in a direction that is dangerous for all: me, his child/children, him and the other woman. Affairs are started out of dishonesty and hurt all that are touched by it.

I know that he has been justifying his actions to all of you, me included. I ask that you don�t believe what he is saying at the moment. I�ve been told that what he is experiencing in his brain with this affair is the same thing that his brain would experience on cocaine. Hard for me to fight alone! Please talk to him and let him know that what he is doing is wrong for all.

I love him and if he wants me out of his life I will agree to that, as long as I have done everything in my power to save this marriage first. I have to look at my children and let them know honestly that I gave it the best I had. I know he will tell you that I am acting out of spite and being irrational. I am being totally rational; I am trying to save my marriage and family. Son has the right to live in a two parent family and be raised by loving caring adults. If we can�t work this out, kids do survive but it is in their best interest to be involved in a two parent family. Please believe that I am sending you these letters with WWH's best interest at heart. I am not the crazy wife, I am only sending them to people who I know care deeply about WWH and whom WWH respects.

Thank you for considering getting involved. I appreciate any help you can offer him.

Sincerely,
Wife

I would wait for the vets to review prior to sending this out.

I would also be a little leary about the crazy wife part. Do you really want to put these words into someones head it might just get stuck there.

Wait for the vets they know more since I am a newbie.

It needs to be simple and nonjudgemental or preachy to appeal to the masses.

Dear so and so,

I recently discovered my spouse is having an affair with whatshername.
I want to save my marriage and whatshername is interferring with me being able to do that.
I love my spouse very much and would like for you to advise me in any way to find a way to recover the marriage.
Thank you so much for any help,
Me


Others might add to that.

You might get helpful responses. Might get snarky ones. Just get the basic info out there. WH is in an affair, you love him and want to save the marriage.

Then, the truth is revealed (respectfully so) and things are on their way to wherever they wind up going with the truth out there.

Too much, too wordy, too needy, soblue. Hang on - there's a letter on here. I'll see if I can find it...

Just got a text from WWH. He met with a lawyer today and "I liked him and retained him" what does that mean? Is he filing?

Dear Family and Friends,

I am writing this letter to ask for your help in saving my marriage and family. If you are receiving this letter you are a good friend to WWH and someone whom I respect.

John has left our family to pursue an adulterous affair with Skankyhola, who is a visiting nurse at XXX School. According to the evidence, this affair has been ongoing since April XX, XXXX. This is his second affair that I know of in the past 5 years. His last affair was with Skankyhola #1 who is also a teacher at the school.

Since you are his friend and a friend to my marriage and my children, I am asking that you use your influence to persuade him to end his affair and come back to the marriage. Please talk to him and let him know that what he is doing is wrong for all. There is no future in his affair as she will be eternally hated by my son for breaking up his family.

Our son is heartbroken that John has abandoned his family for his affair. Son has the right to live in a two parent family and be raised by loving caring adults.

I love him and know that our marriage could be a happy, safe place if he would only end his affair with Skanky. Thank you for considering getting involved. I appreciate any help you can offer me, my husband and our son.

Sincerely,
Wife

This is a good list, but it would help if you also exposed to the OW's parents and family members. Do you have that? Keep looking for the child's parents names.

You have enough right now to run with a good exposure. SET YOUR SON DOWN AND TELL HIM TODAY. Tell him that his dad is having an adulterous affair and is leaving the family for a skank ho. Tell him her name and tell him he is FREE to speak to his dad about why is dumping his family for a ho.

Additionally, I would gather up a couple of friends and maybe even your MIL and go pay this skank a visit. You need to call and speak to your MIL personally and enlist her help. Ask her if she will go with you to visit OW. And does your MIL know this is not his first affair?

What state do you live in?

DON'T answer until you complete your exposure and tell me what state you are in.

When you expose and he finds out, he will go CRAZY. Don't take his calls. If he gets through, just tell him calmly, "I am spreading the good news! There is no reason that everyone shouldn't know about your adultery." Then smile..

Don't laugh [because he will be stupid], don't fight, don't try to reason. Just say "so sorry you are upset, dear!"

Massachusetts

You can file on GROUNDS in Mass. You have him by the balls...

Go ahead and send out your exposure letters now, tell your son, and make any phone calls.

Go to your bank account online and move all your money except about $20 to another account.

Then text your H back and say: "thanks for the heads up. I will be countersuing on grounds of adultery. This means that your adultery partner, Skankyhola, will be subpeonaed to the stand. Love, soblue"

Is this still a plan of reconciliation or is it a f**k you?

My goal is to help you get your H back! Plan f* u is to do nothing. You have to make it as tough as possible for him to destroy your marriage. Going along with him will only result in a destroyed marriage.

See, he believes from past experience that you will do nothing to stop him and will along with him and help him pursue his affair and destroy your marriage. You are firing a shot over the bough that you are standing up for your marriage and will make it as tough as possible.

NOW, do I have real high hopes for you? No, I don't. The reason is because he has been fogged out and entitled for YEARS. But, if you are going to save this marriage, the plan I propose gives you the BEST CHANCE.

This is Plan Reality for your WH.

I can't wait to go into this plan.

Thank you!

He called and went through my son to get to me. He talked to him first then asked to talk to me. He got to me, I admit it. I agree, he does think I'm weak and won't do anything about it because all I do is cry when I see him or talk to him. I admit, I'm not even angry yet, just completely devastated.

He even told me that I had to face reality and lawyer up because this divorce is happening. I told him I needed time and his response was for what? The quicker we get this done the cheaper it will be. He is not fighting me for custody he said his lawyer told him not to that the courts want one parent to be in control. At least he's being sensible about that. He still wants to do mediation. He says our case is cut and dry, no need for a lawyer. I dont feel strong enough right now or anytime I'm near him to feel protected enough to be without a lawyer. I won't make it easy for him though, I will drag my feet as long as possible.

He does bring out the worst in me, I do have to admit. Thanks for the support, Keep it coming!

thats nice but what does it have to do with your plan? Of course he is hoping you will roll over with no complaint so he can easily divorce you.

Did you read my last posts about exposure and telling him you would countersue on grounds of adultery? Where do we stand on that?

I will keep it in mind when I get a lawyer. I should be able to find one that would like that.

soblue, try and stay on track here and don't allow him to throw you off your game. He is just a distraction right now. Don't let him distract you!

Yes, I have to stay focused on the plan! He is a huge distraction. Like you, I don't see much hope. I guess I thought being an easy wife was best, if there's a next time lessons have been learned. No more doormat!

Cooperating with someone whose goal is the destruction of your marriage will result in..............a destroyed marriage.

Stick to your plan, not his. Expose this affair, soblue! Text him and say you have given this some thought and decided you won't be cooperating with his divorce schemes, but that you will be countersuing on grounds of adultery and having Skanky #1 and Skanky #2 hauled into court to testify about their adultery with him.

if he calls and wants to discuss it again, tell him you prefer to leave all that unpleasant talk to the attorneys, BUT YOU DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.

Any luck on finding the OW's parents??

I think they're dead. She had a quote on her facebook page about missing her parents.

Melodylane, why do you recommend she tell her wayward husband that she's countersuing on grounds of adultery? I think she will do it & he doesnt think she has it in her.
Soon the exposure is going to hit and I am just trying to understand your reasoning on this point.
I am not challenging it - just want to follow the logic. Do you think she should contact him with this info? Wouldn't that just give him a heads up to prepare his defense better?

He is emboldened because he thinks she will roll over and play dead. HOWEVER, he will have huge second thoughts if he knows that he will be in for the fight of his life. A fight that will drag his OW to the stand. That will slow him down. If he thinks she will coooperate, then he will pursue the easy divorce.

Telling this will throw a huge wrench in his fantasy and give him a wake up call. He has fantasized that he will push her aside and replace her with an OW......with ease. She needs to dispel that notion soon.


No, it will scare him and slow him down.

Maybe she misses them because they are out of town? Have you done any back ground checks on her to get the names of relatives? Does she have an unusual last name where you can look up relatives on facebook and find HER in their friends list?

WE really need to find some relatives!

Ok, letters are sent. Sent them on Friday, should be a miserable week next week.

I emailed her facebook page and let her know in a nice manner that up until the end of Nov. we were a happily married couple and that regardless of what she'd been told, he wasn't intending on ending our marriage on Nov. 3 when he sent me a text telling me how lucky he was to have me for a wife. I sent it through my older son's facebook because he has a different last name then we do. He's wwh's stepson.

Anyway that night around 11 he texted me to remind me to erase SS's sent box on his fb page so he doesn't read the text I sent to OW on fb.

The next day he called me several times but after the night before's disastrous phone call I decided not to answer and my son wasn't around so I let it ring. Later I listened and he said that last night's phone call didn't turn out well but that he wanted to talk to me. Emailing people on FB wasn't the way to get this divorce done nicely. He said he wanted to talk to me about what I wanted exactly so that we could proceed.

After a couple of hours I texted him back and took this as an opportunity to tell him what I wanted...Him to stop his affair, us to go to counseling (good counseling) and see what we could make of our marriage. I told him that I loved him and wanted my marriage and family back and if he wasn't willing to do that, at least give me some time.

His response was what do you mean by time specifically?

I told him to slow down that I felt like we were heading for a train wreck.

His response... Recent actions (emails-facebook) is not smart. My assumption is that you are getting some advise from MBJG. It is not good advise. It will have lasting devastating reprecussions. That is not a threat. Just a possible reality. This divorce is between the two of us. We need to work together for the boys. Turning my friends family etc. against me is not good for anyone. Divorce takes time. It isn't drive through service. It takes several months. The train wreck is easily avoidable. You can have custody and decent child support if all remains calm or it could go the other way. It is your choice.

Yikes, wait till next week then if the email got that much of a rise out of him.

He is texting his brother a lot now probably to try to find out what MBJB is telling me. He is also monitoring my cell calls and texts. He has the account in his name and I couldn't get the pass word changed when I tried.

Anything I should know now. I was thinking about deleting my posts so he can't find them if he does figure out about this site.?????

I haven't given him the threat of the counter suit for cause yet but if he contacts me again with threatening tones I will let him know. I was also thinking about telling him that if that happens cell phone and computer records could be subpoenaed (don't know it that's true) but I do know being a teacher, he doesn't want his computer looked at. Any advise with that? Is that true?

soblue, have you been able to find the OW's parents? What about any family members?

And yes, if you countersue on grounds of adultery, they will subpoena his cell phone and computer records. ALSO, if his school is anything like they are here in Texas, they will confiscate his computer and look at his records to see if he has been conducting his affair at work.

Can you go get a new cell phone?

And good for you for sending out those letters, soblue!! That was an act of STRENGTH and COURAGE that I know was hard for you. Courage is a decision and you have shown that you have what it takes to CHOOSE courage when it comes to standing up for your marriage and your child's family!

Now, are you ready the onslaught of terror he is going to inflict next week when the lid comes off his affair? A cheater is a terrorist and he can be expected to try and scare you into submission. Don't fall for it!!

He will make all sorts of threats like "I was going to work on it but now I'm not!!" "You have ruined my life!" "You have hurt the OW!!" blah, blah, blah, yippee coyote...... You know how a terrorist relies on SHOCK AND AWE but there is no fire there? That is exactly how an exposed adulterer works! So expect some fireworks and you won't be disappointed.

Your job will be NOT TO LAUGH. And I mean that. It will be hard not to laugh at all the stupid, inane things he says. Don't laugh, don't get scared, don't fight, and don't try to reason with an infuriated terrorist, ok? It will blow over.

Have both your children been told about the affair? I would tell them about this affair and the last one so they know who the enemies are. Encourage them to discuss their dad's affairs with him. They need to know that he is abandoning their family for that..

Her parents are dead. They've been dead about a year. Her friend list on FB is blocked so I can't see it.

i just got this one the Monday after he told me he was not in to the marriage we got new cell phones. i've only had it for 5 weeks. I will conduct most business by landline and email. I just changed all my passwords.

So how is he reading your phone logs and texts?

Did you do any searches for her other family members? Have you been searching?

If you want to access and expose on FB; make up a person, make up an email account, then make up a FB account. If Skankhola is like so many others on FB, she will probably befriend anyone and then you can "see" her friend list and post exposure on her wall.

He is not reading the content of calls or texts, just who I am in contact with. He can see these by pulling up the phone records on line. He has me shut out of that because he has the password so I can't look to see who he is contact with.

I have been searching but she has her page privatized. I can't see who any of her friends are or who she "talks" with.

I am not sure I am capable of laughing at the moment. I know the things he says are irrational but it gets to me every time. It has only been 5 weeks. I have a counseling appointment on Tues. thank goodness because I am not feeling very strong at the moment. I know it's my job as a person who loves him to stand up to him and try to get him to another place, not one of self-destruction. I take my vows very seriously and I want my children to see what it takes to make a relationship work. I my children to know that what he is doing is wrong.

I have been open with my children to a point. I don't want to do damage to them in the process. They know he is having an affair and that it is wrong and hurtful. They are aware of how selfish he is being right now. I have to be careful not to put them in the middle though. He is their father/step and at least one of my children love him very much. He was a fantastic father for a long time. They are having to deal with his absence too so I have to keep the lines of communication open and trusting with them. I told my son that if daddy calls and wants to talk to me to tell him no but now I am unsure if that was a good choice. It feels wrong to me to put him in the middle.

soblue, if you don't tell your kids the truth, you will harm them. It is adultery and lies that harm children, not telling them the truth. Giving them false explanations for the tension in the home teaches them dishonesty. It also leaves them wide open for your H to tell them lies about YOU. And trust me, he will blame all this on YOU if he isn't already.

They need to be sat down, given the full truth and given moral guidance about why adultery is immoral. They should be encouraged to ask their father questions about why he is leaving their family for his adultery. That is the best thing for everyone.

And it is ok to tell your son that you don't want to talk to his dad. Tell him that his dad's adultery is so painful that you can't bear to talk to him. YOUR KIDS ARE IN THE MIDDLE. Your husband's adultery and his abandonment of their family is a direct assault on your children. THEY ARE IN THE MIDDLE. You didn't put them there, HE DID with his adultery.

Dr. Harley on telling the children:

here



here

here

I suspect he has gaslighted you for a long time, hasn't he? What scares you about him? It is his anger? Is it his manipulations?

Have you searched her name on the websites we gave you to see if she has relatives? Have you searched for anyone with her last name on facebook and looked to see if she is friends with them?

Can you somehow change the password on the cell phones so you can get access to the logs and block him out?

I'm sure it's me that allows him to get to me. I try to talk and he twists it around to something ugly. He then turns everything back on me. He is smart and devious. He has to be in control or he is extremely uncomfortable. He will go for the jugular every time. I actually don't know what I'm afraid of, the unknown for sure.

Yes, he has been working me for a long time. when we first got married, I was an independent single mother of 1 who had been that way for 4.5 years. I wasn't used to discussing decision making with anyone and that caused some issues in the beginning. I would decide to go somewhere with friends or I would invite a child over for a play date and he would be furious because I didn't ask him. Eventually I became afraid to make any decisions because if I did it would surely anger him. Now he complains that I am too dependent on him, why can't I be more independent. He has beaten me down and I have let him do it so that things could stay peaceful. He says that he's been the one that can't be himself around me.

soblue, I sensed he was a master manipulator and it is because of this I would strongly consider going into Plan B sooner rather than later. He will beat you down to a pulp if you remain in contact with him. Let's discuss sending him a Plan B letter this weekend. That way you don't have to deal with him when the crap hits the fan.

What do you think? Do you have the book, Surviving an Affair?

I have the book "When the one you love wants to leave". It talks a little about NC. I am comfortable with NC. I've kind of been trying to do it a half way. I accept his texts but won't talk to him personally. Any suggestions for the letter? The schedule is this on Monday and Tuesday he is with wh after school but does not sleep over. Same on Thurs. It's supposed to be that we split every other Sun. but he hasn't taken him on Sun. yet. How do we handle the drop off/pick up? We are having some plumbing problems too so he is supposed to be here for the plumber one day next week. How do we handle financial stuff?

In Plan B, you send the wayward spouse a no contact letter and cut off ALL contact. No texts, no emails, nothing. Even a little contact completely defeats the purpose. That means you change the locks and lock him out. Any necessary contact is done through a designated, neutral intermediary. The purpose is to protect you from his abuse and to give him a real taste of what divorce will look like.

Tell him in the letter that you will expect him to pay the bills as usual and continue to make deposits in your account.

In the letter, I would include a visitation letter and allow him to pick up your son at those times. BUT, he is not to come in the house and he is not to allow your son around that ho. He cannot be allowed to drag your son into his filthy affair.

Keeping him out of the house prevents him from getting a FIX of his family when he wants it. Nor should he be allowed to be there to meet the plumber. If you were divorced, he wouldn't be there. Letting him take care of these things only serves to make him feel LESS GUILTY about abandoning his family for his filthy affair.

What a WS wants to do is to remain "friends" with you so he doesn't feel so guilty. You should make it very clear you won't be "friends" with a liar and a cheater. That will really shock him.

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair, soblue?

Here is the letter from that book:

My Dear Sue,
I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair with Greg possible. I foolishly pursued my career without understanding my responsibility to meet your most important emotional needs. I was not there for you when you needed me most, and we are now both suffering for my mistake.

I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and create a new life for both of us that meet your needs. But I cannot do that until you end your relationship with Greg once and for all.

Until then, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. I will also not be able to help you financially. Our friends Jane and Paul have agreed to help make arrangements for you to visit the children whenever you would like. But I will not be here when you visit. If you want to communicate about the children or any other matter, it will have to be through Jane and Paul.

I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you this way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship with Greg, and I simply cannot be with you any longer, knowing that you are with him. I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions.

As soon as you are willing to permanently separate from Greg and are willing to follow the measures that were suggested to ensure total separation, I will be willing to discuss our future together.

I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage someday. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We need to build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend.

I loved you when we married and I continue to love you right up to this day. I just cannot be with you or help you as long as you are seeing Greg.

With my love,
Jon

Read up on doing a full dark plan b

You will need to give instructions to family on what kind of info should be shared- but mostly on what shouldn't be bothered with hearing.
I am going to read too....

Soblue, please do not be slow in making sure your wh knows that he will be countersued on grounds of adultery.

Fwiw, I filed against my xhusband on grounds of adultery and mental cruelty (like what your wh is doing to you and I sense tons of gaslighting. In fact his actions and veiled legal threats are soo soo familiar to what I heard). And yes! I also subpoenae'd the ow. I even NAMED her in the divorce papers. I also named his second ow too.

You see, you have to have a plan (either MB plan A or B) and have a financial and family and protective plan for yourself too. Do not let that part about protecting yourself slide.

it is totally possible to end the affair, but equally important at this time is protecting you, your assets, your kids as was suggested by Mel, a longtime MB'er.

Oh and if you don't think that the ow hates being supoenae'd or her name on the papers?

It will follow them for LIFE.

I know. Xow told a mutual friend back home that "she's tainted". She was fearful her new H (she married a guy last year, broke up that marriage too..much older man) would find out of her past and yea, I almost sent him the docs so he could judge for himself.

That is what I call smackdown exposure.

Here is the letter.

Dear wwh,

I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair with OW possible. I foolishly believed that our marriage was sound without understanding my responsibility to meet your most important emotional needs. I was not there for you in the ways that you needed me to be the most, and we are now both suffering for my mistake.

I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and create a new life for both of us that meet your needs. But I cannot do that until you end your relationship with OW once and for all.

Until then, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. Nana has agreed to help make arrangements for you to visit the children on Mondays, Tuesdays and Thursdays. If you want to communicate about the children or any other matter, it will have to be through Nana. Nana and Papa will also help us communicate with any household issues that need to be taken care of. I expect that the financial situation will stay the same with your paychecks being deposited into the checking account and all savings accounts will stay the same. The rental property will be your responsibility right now as I have the responsibility of this house, dogs and children. I will need plumber's number so he can come over and show me how to work the water softener and filter. Please give that to Nana.

I ask you to respect my decision to stay away from you. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship with OW, and I simply cannot see you or talk to you any longer, knowing that you are with her. I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions. Talking with, seeing or communicating in any way is emotionally difficult for me. There is no doubt in my mind that I will survive the experience, but nor now, it is not in my best interest to have contact with you.

I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage someday. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We need to build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend.

Finally, if you continue to make veiled threats or act on any of those threats, I will counter sue for grounds of adultery and mental cruelty. This means that OW will be subpoenaed to the stand to testify about your current relationship. Phone records and computer records and anything else that was used to conduct the affair will also be subpoenaed such as colleagues who knew about the affair. This is not the best way to proceed so please back off and stop threatening me!

I loved you when we married and I continue to love you right up to this day.
wife

soblue, if I did not live in a no fault state; I would have instantly countersued due to adultery and would have had no hesitation about naming the OW in the suit. It would have been justified.
Do it!!!

Take out the last paragraph only use that one u decide to file, do not threaten him with that because either way YOU WILL sue

Overall it was good just take that last para out

soblue, your letter is GREAT! I would take out this paragraph entirely, though, because you want the letter to be a love letter. He will pull it out and read it in the future.

I would not THREATEN to countersue on grounds of adultery, I would PROMISE to do it. You need to do if he files for divorce REGARDLESS. Don't use it as bargaining tool. IT needs to be done.

I would send him a text today and say "I wanted to give you fair warning I have recieved legal counsel and will be countersuing on grounds of adultery. The OW will be subpeonaed to give testimony and both of your cell phone and email records will be subpoenaed in discovery. You should know there will be no cooperation. Also, our sons know that you are abandoning us for an adulterous affair. I insist you don't ever expose Son to your affair. Much love, soblue"

See, he thinks you will cooperate and roll over so he can replace you. You need to disabuse him of that notion now!! You don't blackmail or make threats, you simply PROMISE: "here is how it is going to be."

soblue, text him this message TODAY and then go dark in Plan B tomorrow.

Who is Nana? Is this someone who is neutral and will remain neutral? That is the KEY to choosing an intermediary. If this is his mother, that would not be a good choice.

I'm a little confused??? I text him today with the the information on counter suit and then when do I give him the love letter? Isn't he going to be angry with the text and then the letter won't matter?

I feel like I might be slipping into a black hole, any suggestions on how to get out of that bad place emotionally?

Yes by texting him that thing melody told you to text and send him the plan B letter.

You ok soblue?

soblue -

I have just read your thread and your getting some really good advice from some of the experts. The way they deal with affairs here really does work, so have faith!

It is quite tough what you are going through and I really do feel for you, but try and put your WH out of your mind, follow the plan. You will get some peace shortly.

I hope you don't mind me saying but your H comes across as quite manipulative and controlling, you are obviously intimidated by him. You have to not get drawn into his psycho babble it will put you off course, and send you into a tail spin. So have MINIMAL contact with him, get yourself into Plan B, and let all hell break loose in affair land.

There will be plenty of time to reflect once your in Plan B.

Send him the Plan B letter, pack all his stuff so it is outside your home, and change the locsk so he can't get in!

As he is quite controlling he will hate this part, but you can't have him walking in and out of the house.

Once you have completed these steps you will get stronger emotionally. Your H is messing with your head at the moment, thats why.

Hi,

It's been a while since my last post. I sent the letter to his principal and she had a meeting with him last week. Not sure what was said but he called me and was very unhappy. He didn't talk to me for 2 days and then he started texting me asking for a copy of the letter. He texted me twice and when I didn't respond he sent me an email asking me to attach a copy of the letter. He didn't show up to take son to his appointments today and said that I would have to do it. I replied that I couldn't he replied "are you going to give me a copy of the letter?" I called up the grandparents and they stepped up to the plate for us.

I haven't responded to any of his texts or requests. He told me after the meeting with the principal that I'd better make sure I had a lawyer because our marriage was over and if I didn't have a lawyer that I would be served by a sheriff. I am not sure but I'm thinking he put through the paperwork. Maybe I'll have a sheriff visit soon.

I got the bank statements today and I noticed that he cleared our savings account the day after I made him leave. He put most of it back in at the end of the month. Very curious. He kept $5,000 to himself. Wondering if that could be the lawyer retainer.

I am feeling stronger by the day. He can't destroy me the way he used to. Not to say that I won't have some bad days in the near future but I feel like I'm getting stronger every day.

You need to secure any of your marital money that is rightfully yours. Have you done this yet?

Are you going to send him a copy of the exposure letter?


How are you proceeding financially?

He kept 5,000 from savings? You gonna tell his parents about that? What can I do to help?

I'm guessing he opened his own account-
maybe you should too??????

Good job, soblue! Thanks for the update.

Melodylane and others who have followed the story-
Soblue's husband is contacting me asking who she named in the exposure letter at work. He thinks I am putting her up to this (exposure)
And thinks I read the letter and wants me to tell him exactly what was said.
Do I respond to him?
I don't think she has anything to hide in what she said. It was an honest account of the situation. So why not tell him what it said?
But he should have asked his supervisors to see the letter if it mattered to him. I suspect he wants to know cause he wants to try to use it against her in court and he is so wayward he wants to protect his OW (possibly more than one)

Soblue- hope you don't mind me asking on your thread. If I start a new thread folks won't understand the background. I want to support your exposure efforts.

I would GLADLY send him the letter! Tell him you wish you could take credit for that awesome letter, but the credit belongs solely to soblue.

Haha. I dont have the letter. She really did write it
Just spoke on phone with him and he is mad that I agree with her decision to send the letter to work.
He said his "girlfriend" is now doubting and questioning him based on the letter and things my husband said. Oh he is so mad right now.

Oh, WAA WAA! The life of a wayward is just so hard!! LOL!

Hi,

I guess the letter is putting some pressure on. I put in the letter that there were previous accusations and now I was wondering if they may be true. I also listed two friends that knew about the affair but would cover for him.

He is now harassing my sister-in-law wondering who is mentioned in the letter. He has emailed me a few times requesting a copy of the letter. I have ignored the requests. He says that his union will get him a copy of the letter on Tuesday and wants it now so that he is prepared to answer any questions. He also wants to know so that he can sleep. He is very worried about losing his job and the fate of his friends.

He is saying that I am crazy and making up things about him. Nothing in that letter is a lie. He is very angry at me. Won't talk or look at me when we are at events for son.

I am feeling very conflicted. I don't want him to see the letter because I am worried about his reaction when he realizes that I named his friends. On the other hand, he is feeling very uncomfortable right now, which is what we wanted right?

Any advise?????

Stay calm and KNOW that what you said was TRUE.

You did the right things and if your WH and his friends did inappropriate things, you exposing that was not what got them into trouble. If he gets mad, remember that you did what was best for your family and your marriage.

Let exposure do it's work.

I wouldn't give him the letter in advance if he is getting a copy anyways. He is worried that his friends will get mad at him. Well, too bad. It isn't YOUR fault. You did NOTHING wrong in this.

Damn right!

I say let him stew in his own juices for awhile.

Soblue,
just read your entire thread, and though i am somewhat new here, i wanted to let you know....

I AM SO PROUD OF YOU...

Your doing an amazing Job, and with the MB pros here guiding you, its amazing. Keep up the great work, your doing Fantastic.

Regards,
Cherish Her

The only letter you should give him is your plan B. His union will get a copy for him? Good.

The more people involved, the more negative attention it will get. Girlfriend does not like exposure at work? Awww. She is a nurse assistant.

That is a highly prized teamster position (that needs little/no prior education/training for) Probably 3 dozen other district people would love that job. She could easily be replaced.

Poor boundries are poor boundries. If she has shown she does not understand what is proper behavior and what is not proper behavior-- she needs to get the heck away from the Special Ed Population.

We fired a good substitute because she used a double entandra>sp? The kids took it the wrong way...that is all it took.

Many of therse children are E.I. and have a variety of conditions that alter their reasoning skills. All in conduct with them should be trustworthy. The school knows this.

soblue, I would strongly consider going into Plan B. Have you read Surviving an Affair?

Seriously.

He involved himself in an affair without giving you the heads up AND he wants a copy of the letter in advance of the one he is promised from the union.

Nope. He can read it when he gets it from them.

You do not have to help him deal with the emotions and the fall out.

His actions have consequences.

I read surviving an affair. I went to the library and got it immediately.

He got a copy of the exposure letter and texted me constantly for a few days. I tried to be nice but in the end he got me and I sent him a few lovebusters. He questioned my sanity and my ability to raise "our" child. I let rip a text that told him exactly what I thought of him and his lessons to our child. His biggest concern was about OW. He said that my letter was untrue, hurtful and harassment.

He's kind of imposed Plan B on me. He isn't texting about anything other then the child. Went to a basketball game the other night. I sat on one side of the gym, him on another, no contact. Very lonely and empty though. I hate what we've become!
I posted a little on the divorce/divorcing thread when he told me to get an attorney because this divorce was happening. In limbo right now. I know he's still in the fog but haven't heard from his attorney. Probably just too busy with OW to get the paperwork filled out.

I hate the emotional roller coaster though. One day I'm sure we're getting divorced, the next I'm hopeful, only to be crushed again.

That's my pitiful update.

@soblue -

What plan are you in?

Don't let talk of divorce sidetrack you from YOUR PLAN.

Why don't you give us a little idea on how you're implementing your plan.

My plan is to give him a "letter of hope" that my mb counselor helped me to write. Then give him a week or two of thinking time and go in to plan B. My mb counselor said she'd help me write it. He doesn't live here anymore so Plan A is out the window and Plan B is not working on saving a marriage so I'm not quite there yet. It is my understanding that Plan B is about saving myself so I want to give it a little more time to work on the marriage.

Sounds like you are getting good coaching.
Plan B is also about preserving the remaining love-bank-units you still have for WH.

Soblue,

You're doing great standing up to this man, who honestly sounds just like my xh.

One thing I would do, is have an emergency hearing (it matters not if wh lawyers up or doesn't have one) to address how he stole the family $ and left you with very little in your bank account. My xh did that to me to. It is a CONTROLLER'S way of manipulating you into submission to his selfish adulterous way of life. That is all it is.

My xh did that, ironically too after and during the times I exposed the hell outta the ow and him. It is just a chapter of the ws playbook, that's all, but one of the more dastardly one.

I too, go along with Mel and Pep and think it's time for plan B. He is a gaslighter 100% and imho, emotionally abusive. He needs to see how HE is the one responsible for HIS actions, not you soblue. It is NOT your fault. A master manipulator will make you think it is all your fault. This is EMOTIONAL ABUSE. You need to realize it.

I'm not sure a week or even two needs to go by for that letter of hope. I'd mail it now, then implement an INSTANT plan B, which will be followed up a few days later with the plan B letter.

Your wh needs to face that school board and that principal and say what he did. He needs to know he did something wrong. Only when he is presented with the truth in front of him, all the ugly lies and truth, will he begin to see how the ema with his skankyhola nurse is beyond evil. Skankyhola will prob get fired from her job there (I am wishing out loud), and she will blame him. She might lash out and blame you, but seriously imagine this (this is ONLY worst case scenario playing out in a D court)

Judge: So you are telling me your wife got you fired?
wh: Yes, she sent out a letter to my employer.
Judge: you mean THIS letter (judge will have all the facts, see the letter, and know of his adultery)?
wh: Yes, she sent a letter out to have me fired.
Judge: You mean, because YOU sir, were having an affair on company time, with another employee, breaking more rules in your employee handbook that I can even count?
Judge: You mean your wife told them what you were really doing right.

That's kinda what happened to my xh when we went to court except it was for a different reason and it was for the fact he squandered family assets. The judge wayloaded on him and even said he was a poor example of a man. Yep.

Your wh is lashing out because he is FOUND OUT. It's a protective way the brain of the wayward works. They can't accept the truth because they are addicted and are not able to handle the real truth right now.

You did a fabulous plan A and exposure. Great job! But imho now, you need to focus on 1)securing for yourself and the children financial security and 2)going into plan B to protect your sanity and peace.

Until your wh wants to change himself and give up the affair, there's not much left to do except show him HOW a divorce feels like. Make things difficult for the affair now. Plan B does that AND makes you have a break from the pain of dealing with him day to day, the gaslighting, and the anger.

Time for Soblue to have some peace, save the rest of her lovebank, and protect the kids too and make sure you're financially sound.

You know, having an emergency hearing if there is a separation, and the ws isn't paying his legal obligation or stole family money is a GREAT exposure tool too. And also you can during that time, HAVE THE OW deposed too, if he SPENT ANY $ ON HER. Not a divorce hearing, an emergency hearing to address the dire need of the monies lost.

Hmmmm. that's an interesting thing. You see, during our emergency hearing (it was 1 of 3 hearings), they read his emails, his bank statement showing where he spent his $ and on whom, and even tried to get the ow who was at the time, out of state, (judge said if we had a continuance on this he needed to depose her)to take the stand WITHOUT a divorce.

Soblue, plan B CAN save a marriage!

It really gives the ws the feel of how life will be.

You see, the wayward mind is a strange thing. Esp how it concots crazy alternate realities.

Here's what my crazy wh had in his "dream" of how our divorce would be. He would purchase for me smaller home in same subdivision. He'd live in the big house we purchased together, that I designed, with the ow. He'd have the kids for 1/2 the time, then walk or drive over to my house, drop the kids off, and maybe stay for dinner.

In his crazy dream, we'd all be friends. And it would just be an "alternate" way of looking at things. He refused to ever use word "divorce" but instead said we'd be simply "transitioning" to a different life.

They want some crazy reality where you're his friend, you ACCEPT his actions and accept his blame for why he cheated. You take his crap and then are his friend. That's what they want. And it revolves around one central thing:

absolving their wayward mind of guilt.

They want none of the responsibility for the problems and want to have desperately zero guilt.

This is why plan B works. They do not have that friendship with you. They don't come over for dinner. They do not get many of their EN's met at all, and it is taken over by the inept ow who cannot possibly do all of this. They deal with custody arrangements. They deal with split households and how expensive it is to maintain.

It's genius. You make them see what they have created in plan B. But it does more. YOU save your remaining love for the bs, in case (many times it does!)the ws decides to come home and work on the marriage MB style, saves you from the day to day crazy and the emotional abuse that is fallout from an affair.

It also keeps you sane because you're just not dealing with his affair anymore. You have let the ws deal with their own life for once.

One thing. Had the ow not gotten pregnant in our case, my xh actually told me, that he had actually planned to return home, as things had turned horrible over there and his life "wasn't as he expected". Yep. Thankfully, God had something else better for me.

But plan B was working for me. It did even though I ended up divorcing him. It saved my sanity!

Many many times here plan B is what sends the ws reeling, off kilter, and sends them right back home, willing to change and work on the marriage when faced with life forever without the love of bs, and the family.

Who are you counseling with?

Jennifer.