Damn right!

I say let him stew in his own juices for awhile.

Soblue,
just read your entire thread, and though i am somewhat new here, i wanted to let you know....

I AM SO PROUD OF YOU...

Your doing an amazing Job, and with the MB pros here guiding you, its amazing. Keep up the great work, your doing Fantastic.

Regards,
Cherish Her

The only letter you should give him is your plan B. His union will get a copy for him? Good.

The more people involved, the more negative attention it will get. Girlfriend does not like exposure at work? Awww. She is a nurse assistant.

That is a highly prized teamster position (that needs little/no prior education/training for) Probably 3 dozen other district people would love that job. She could easily be replaced.

Poor boundries are poor boundries. If she has shown she does not understand what is proper behavior and what is not proper behavior-- she needs to get the heck away from the Special Ed Population.

We fired a good substitute because she used a double entandra>sp? The kids took it the wrong way...that is all it took.

Many of therse children are E.I. and have a variety of conditions that alter their reasoning skills. All in conduct with them should be trustworthy. The school knows this.

soblue, I would strongly consider going into Plan B. Have you read Surviving an Affair?

Seriously.

He involved himself in an affair without giving you the heads up AND he wants a copy of the letter in advance of the one he is promised from the union.

Nope. He can read it when he gets it from them.

You do not have to help him deal with the emotions and the fall out.

His actions have consequences.

I read surviving an affair. I went to the library and got it immediately.

He got a copy of the exposure letter and texted me constantly for a few days. I tried to be nice but in the end he got me and I sent him a few lovebusters. He questioned my sanity and my ability to raise "our" child. I let rip a text that told him exactly what I thought of him and his lessons to our child. His biggest concern was about OW. He said that my letter was untrue, hurtful and harassment.

He's kind of imposed Plan B on me. He isn't texting about anything other then the child. Went to a basketball game the other night. I sat on one side of the gym, him on another, no contact. Very lonely and empty though. I hate what we've become!
I posted a little on the divorce/divorcing thread when he told me to get an attorney because this divorce was happening. In limbo right now. I know he's still in the fog but haven't heard from his attorney. Probably just too busy with OW to get the paperwork filled out.

I hate the emotional roller coaster though. One day I'm sure we're getting divorced, the next I'm hopeful, only to be crushed again.

That's my pitiful update.

@soblue -

What plan are you in?

Don't let talk of divorce sidetrack you from YOUR PLAN.

Why don't you give us a little idea on how you're implementing your plan.

My plan is to give him a "letter of hope" that my mb counselor helped me to write. Then give him a week or two of thinking time and go in to plan B. My mb counselor said she'd help me write it. He doesn't live here anymore so Plan A is out the window and Plan B is not working on saving a marriage so I'm not quite there yet. It is my understanding that Plan B is about saving myself so I want to give it a little more time to work on the marriage.

Sounds like you are getting good coaching.
Plan B is also about preserving the remaining love-bank-units you still have for WH.

Soblue,

You're doing great standing up to this man, who honestly sounds just like my xh.

One thing I would do, is have an emergency hearing (it matters not if wh lawyers up or doesn't have one) to address how he stole the family $ and left you with very little in your bank account. My xh did that to me to. It is a CONTROLLER'S way of manipulating you into submission to his selfish adulterous way of life. That is all it is.

My xh did that, ironically too after and during the times I exposed the hell outta the ow and him. It is just a chapter of the ws playbook, that's all, but one of the more dastardly one.

I too, go along with Mel and Pep and think it's time for plan B. He is a gaslighter 100% and imho, emotionally abusive. He needs to see how HE is the one responsible for HIS actions, not you soblue. It is NOT your fault. A master manipulator will make you think it is all your fault. This is EMOTIONAL ABUSE. You need to realize it.

I'm not sure a week or even two needs to go by for that letter of hope. I'd mail it now, then implement an INSTANT plan B, which will be followed up a few days later with the plan B letter.

Your wh needs to face that school board and that principal and say what he did. He needs to know he did something wrong. Only when he is presented with the truth in front of him, all the ugly lies and truth, will he begin to see how the ema with his skankyhola nurse is beyond evil. Skankyhola will prob get fired from her job there (I am wishing out loud), and she will blame him. She might lash out and blame you, but seriously imagine this (this is ONLY worst case scenario playing out in a D court)

Judge: So you are telling me your wife got you fired?
wh: Yes, she sent out a letter to my employer.
Judge: you mean THIS letter (judge will have all the facts, see the letter, and know of his adultery)?
wh: Yes, she sent a letter out to have me fired.
Judge: You mean, because YOU sir, were having an affair on company time, with another employee, breaking more rules in your employee handbook that I can even count?
Judge: You mean your wife told them what you were really doing right.

That's kinda what happened to my xh when we went to court except it was for a different reason and it was for the fact he squandered family assets. The judge wayloaded on him and even said he was a poor example of a man. Yep.

Your wh is lashing out because he is FOUND OUT. It's a protective way the brain of the wayward works. They can't accept the truth because they are addicted and are not able to handle the real truth right now.

You did a fabulous plan A and exposure. Great job! But imho now, you need to focus on 1)securing for yourself and the children financial security and 2)going into plan B to protect your sanity and peace.

Until your wh wants to change himself and give up the affair, there's not much left to do except show him HOW a divorce feels like. Make things difficult for the affair now. Plan B does that AND makes you have a break from the pain of dealing with him day to day, the gaslighting, and the anger.

Time for Soblue to have some peace, save the rest of her lovebank, and protect the kids too and make sure you're financially sound.

You know, having an emergency hearing if there is a separation, and the ws isn't paying his legal obligation or stole family money is a GREAT exposure tool too. And also you can during that time, HAVE THE OW deposed too, if he SPENT ANY $ ON HER. Not a divorce hearing, an emergency hearing to address the dire need of the monies lost.

Hmmmm. that's an interesting thing. You see, during our emergency hearing (it was 1 of 3 hearings), they read his emails, his bank statement showing where he spent his $ and on whom, and even tried to get the ow who was at the time, out of state, (judge said if we had a continuance on this he needed to depose her)to take the stand WITHOUT a divorce.

Soblue, plan B CAN save a marriage!

It really gives the ws the feel of how life will be.

You see, the wayward mind is a strange thing. Esp how it concots crazy alternate realities.

Here's what my crazy wh had in his "dream" of how our divorce would be. He would purchase for me smaller home in same subdivision. He'd live in the big house we purchased together, that I designed, with the ow. He'd have the kids for 1/2 the time, then walk or drive over to my house, drop the kids off, and maybe stay for dinner.

In his crazy dream, we'd all be friends. And it would just be an "alternate" way of looking at things. He refused to ever use word "divorce" but instead said we'd be simply "transitioning" to a different life.

They want some crazy reality where you're his friend, you ACCEPT his actions and accept his blame for why he cheated. You take his crap and then are his friend. That's what they want. And it revolves around one central thing:

absolving their wayward mind of guilt.

They want none of the responsibility for the problems and want to have desperately zero guilt.

This is why plan B works. They do not have that friendship with you. They don't come over for dinner. They do not get many of their EN's met at all, and it is taken over by the inept ow who cannot possibly do all of this. They deal with custody arrangements. They deal with split households and how expensive it is to maintain.

It's genius. You make them see what they have created in plan B. But it does more. YOU save your remaining love for the bs, in case (many times it does!)the ws decides to come home and work on the marriage MB style, saves you from the day to day crazy and the emotional abuse that is fallout from an affair.

It also keeps you sane because you're just not dealing with his affair anymore. You have let the ws deal with their own life for once.

One thing. Had the ow not gotten pregnant in our case, my xh actually told me, that he had actually planned to return home, as things had turned horrible over there and his life "wasn't as he expected". Yep. Thankfully, God had something else better for me.

But plan B was working for me. It did even though I ended up divorcing him. It saved my sanity!

Many many times here plan B is what sends the ws reeling, off kilter, and sends them right back home, willing to change and work on the marriage when faced with life forever without the love of bs, and the family.

Who are you counseling with?

Jennifer.