i found out about the affair four months ago & she has told me that she has ended it & then went right back over & over again.
we have 4 kids ages 9-6-4-7months- i have been reading the book & i asked her for all her passcodes to emails & took phone for a few days but she just changed all the codes & became more angry about my snopping in her private affairs. she says she is in love & doesnt know if she loves me like that anymore- it is so hurt full & i have cryed & gotten angry & im in such shock over everything she has done to our family & the lies have just distroid any trust i had in her & she has said it was because there was problems in our relationship & she wasnt telling me but i dont know what to believe.

Welcome to MB.

Believe nothing. Waywards lie.

Read as much as you can on this website and prepare to expose the affair to everyone who is a friend of your marriage. No threats, no warning, no nothing. Full exposure to break up the affair.

But first read all you can about Plan A, exposure, and the Carrot and the Stick of Plan A.

Others will be along and give you better advice. I seldom post anymore, so be patient.

I'm sorry you are here, the first thing you will need to do is read everything on this site. The second thing you need to do is get all the evidence you have and expose this affair to everyone you know family, friends, neighbors, kids, etc anyone you know that will impact the affair.

You need to understand something affairs thrive on secrecy so the longer you wait to expose the longer you are enabling your wifeon this affair. Stand up to your marriage and fight for it. Because if you don't you will lose her.

Do not tell her or threaten to expose just do it! Will she be mad? Yes but your marriage can and will survive her anger but it WILL NOT survive an affair.

Please stop enabling her affair and expose.

Okay, this is a time to prepare yourself for a struggle. We can help, but we'll need some more information.
- Do you know who is the OM?
- Is he married?
- Does your wife work? If so, was that where they met?
Immediately, start taking care of yourself physically. Eat well, get the correct amount of rest, drink plenty of water, if you have access to fitness equipment, do a bit every day.
Read this:http://marriagebuilders.com/ca/to.cgi?l=pop2
and this:http://marriagebuilders.com/ca/to.cgi?l=pop5

There will be other posters along soon. TRUST THEM and their advice. I'll be back here tomorrow.

Mardi,
Sorry you are joining this club that no one chooses to be in. Is the OM married? Which book are you reading? Learn about Plan A and exposure? You can click on search button, type Plan A and get more information. The "I Love you but i'm not in love with you" is fogbabble. Your WW is in a fog living a fantasy - nothing is realty right now. Do you want to save your marriage? It will take courage, patience and time - some marriages take typical two years to recover from infidelity.

Gg

I hate to say this, but given that you just found out about the affair 4 months ago and have a 7 month old child, you probably need to have DNA testing done.

You do need to find out as much about the OM as you can, and read up on the MB concepts. You should be in Plan A right now, and YES, you should definitely expose this affair.

You need to get back your self respect. No begging or pleading for your marriage. Right now she thinks she can have her cake and eat it too. Cut her off financially. Remove her from your bank accounts and take away any credit cards. She needs to feel consequence to her actions. Cut off her phone and change the password to your computer so she can't use it. Expose the affair to everyone. And definitely get the DNA test.

Expose WW parents siblings, children, OMW, OM parents.

How did WW meet the OM, do they work together, neighbor?

Sorry to say a DNA paternity test is mandatory for the kids and STD tests are mandatory for the both of you.

i did expose the affair to most of our friends & family but i didnt tell the kids because the therapist said that it would hurt them & i tried to do plan A but it didnt work she got mad & changed things back & im financially dependent of her is't her family business & she has an illness lymes desease that the treatment is taking most of our money & making her very sick. i say home with all the kids & she works-ive been not working sence our 9 year old son was born. she is in A.A & that is where they meet & its an x of hers - the om works for at&t

Mardi, please break up your sentences. It makes it easier to read what you're saying.

Just a few thoughts:

There is no such thing as secrecy in a marriage and there is a big difference between secrecy and privacy. Secrecy involves doing things you know your spouse wouldn't approve of. Privacy is closing the door when you go to the bathroom. There should be no secrets in marriage and hiding things like cell phone use and emails is a sign that something is going on that the other spouse wouldn't approve of.

Don't be afraid of her being the bread winner. If anything, you have a very good chance of getting spousal support and custody of your kids if this should come to a D. That is why it is important that you not be afraid of your wife.

You need to snoop and get more information on the affair. Is OM married? Have a girlfriend?

How has your family (and hers) reacted to the news of her affair?

Since you've exposed, and Plan A'd (we could use some more details on how long, what exact actions, etc) with no resolution, get ready to go to war. Sorry, that's where you stand right now.

1 - DO NOT MOVE OUT. REPEAT - DO NOT MOVE OUT.
1 - Get a VAR and never be without it. An alcoholic female breadwinner deep in skank-fog just screams "bogus domestic violence complaint".
2 - Start documenting dates, durations of her absences to be with POSOM, or otherwise unexplained. Also make note of things she says that confirm her infidelity.
3 - Get that DNA test done - NOW. She'll go ballistic, so inform her in front of witnesses in case her alcoholic tendencies cause her to physically lash out at you.
4 - Get tested for STD's.
5 - Notify her (and his?) AA sponsor, or AA coordinator. Their 13th step is not "Bang your recovery partner."
6 - Start asking about the best divorce lawyer in your area.

Always remember - This sh1t-storm is entirely of her doing. When she gets angry (whiny, retaliatory, whatever) keep saying, "I'm sorry that you feel this way, but our marriage is important enough to me to do what can be done to try to restore it."

Very good point.

I agree that given her track record as long as there is unrestricted access to cell phones and computers nothing will get better. "No contact" must happen in order for the fog to clear. Until then, anything she says is a lie -- she's just trying to justify the affair and her actions to herself.

Any updates?

And by the way, what exactly have you tried and for how long? The more detailed the better. Maybe there's something you missed or could do slightly differently? The veterans here can help with that once we know what you've tried.

Good luck!

She still has all her emails & phone with passcodes & tells me I can see her phone at anytime. I know she isn't telling the truth & she tells me that she isn't in contact with her & I told her that untill she gets honest & ends it for good that our relationship can't get any better
I tried take phone & demanded all her email pass codes & even took her car keys so she couldn't get out to contact OM.
Then she just found other ways to contact her & people told me to give all her stuff back so I did.
I got tired of policing her because I don't want someone staying with me for the wrong reasons I want her to want to give up the affair & come back to me.

Now she is very sick from the lymes treatment & home with us everyday.

I haven't been snooping or anything. I just wanted to get throw Christmas & new years & she has 2 to 3 months of this lymes treatment & she will probably leave me & go back to OM.
It doesn't feel like I can make this work -she will just do what she wants to

You don't want to try and save your marriage?

Gg

You can't sit idly by and watch this disaster unfold.

You need to take charge and set some ground rules and personal boundaries.

By doing nothing you are giving her both a family and an affair.

i do want to save it
what should i do?

If you have exposed, then you use the carrot and stick of Plan A.

Just in case you have trouble finding it, this is what they mean:

Carrot and Stick of Plan A (revisited)

By the way, are you sure the exposure was swift enough and large enough? One of the reasons for exposure is to make sure that they are constantly being pressured to end the affair by people they see everyday. If exposure is done correctly there will be no places left for the affair to hide and flourish. That pressure can come from peers, children, family, friends, etc. Your goal is to have everyone they know looking at them in disbelief and telling them to get back home to their family.

i think i told everyone but she has new friends that might not beleive me or i cant tell so i dont know if the people i did tell matter enough.
i told are 9 year old son now too. he didnt believe me at first but now he does.
shes telling me she has no contact with OM & i dont believe her.
i will work to using that carrot & stick of plan A.
it will be hard at times though because im still very hurt & mad at her for doing this to our family.

There are a few things to think about in your post but this is one of the more pressing issues. Recovery can not start until the affair has ended. You need to do some snooping to make sure you know what is really going on. It may seem wrong at first -- but it isn't. All is fair in love and war..

You need a key-logger on the computer, you need to be checking her phone (in private), and you need to make sure she doesn't have a second phone you don't know about. You also should really consider hiding a voice activated recorder in her car.

There are many other ways, but some of the regulars here could go in to more detail about snooping. Just do it -- and try not to get caught!