Have you any idea when the next hearing will be?

Have you mentioned the Kentucky case to your lawyer?

I'm glad to hear that your marriage is recovering. Don't despair about custody. OM has already lost one court case so he is not in a strong position. He feels strongly about his rights, but he needs good legal grounds to win.

Why did the first judge reject his case? Did he say that an outsider has no right to demand a DNA test?

Yes have you cited the cases mentioned here to your lawyer?

Also OM may not want anything to do with custody. Using fighting for custody to break NC, and to keep driving a wedge into your marriage so your BH gives up and throws in the towel is the OM's plan.

How good is the OM's income and job stability?

Depending on how well he can or can't afford to pay CS may just chase the OM away.

Also factor in the OM's cheapness level as well.

wanthealing, is this you on the radio last Tuesday?

here

The other man wants joint custody.
Tuesday, December 07, 2010
FIRST: Jenny says she has been married for 8 years with no children. Recently she had an affair with an old love and became pregnant as a result. The child is now 5 months old. The other man wants joint custody. Jenny says her husband is controlling, and she fears the contrast effect may have hurt any chance of fixing her marriage.

Wow! The Harleys sure dealt with her with kid gloves. She sounds unremorseful and complaining about his controlling before the A and the Harleys just went right along with it saying he should be her number 1 fan! Only 5 months after she perpetrated the most horrific treachery a woman could ever inflict on a man!

I thought they advised that if the the marriage is short, no kids, and the spouses are young to run like hell! The woman on the broadcast sounds entitled and unremorseful. She is going to create a lifetime of pain for her poor husband.

Melody what was your take on this? Same as chipep?

I thought her H was only "controlling" because he probably sensed that wanthealing had sloppy boundaries. And he was proven right! As far as the H choosing your friends, a spouse should have a say in the friends we choose because they are also friends of the marriage. I don't have friends my H doesn't like and vice versa.

Dr Harley then says the reason he is controlling is because Jenny doesn't make the best choices. She chooses bad friends and makes bad decisions. Her H's "controlling" could keep her out of trouble. He sort of laughs when Joyce says H is "controlling" and he then infers that of course he is, Jenny doesn't have good judgement.

This can work if a neutral party does exchanges. Can't attend school functions if OM is there. It can work out if you follow the rules.

Dr Harley tries to give ideas so they can restore the love in the marriage: Situation causes H to have AO's. In order for this to work, H is going to have stop being controlling, ie: demands, dj's, and AO's. Part of his problem is that he has been engaged in lovebusters.

First step in overcoming angry outbursts is the recognition that angry outbursts are never caused by others.

I don't think wanthealing is unremorseful from reading her thread. It might not have come through in the call, but it comes through in her thread.

The advice he gave was designed to help her fall in love with her husband. I am guessing that is what her H wants.

Based on the hard stance taken here against cheaters, I was expecting not 2x4's but HEAT rounds fired at this woman. They definitely mollycoddled her. Maybe it's the medium radio vs. website.

But she is on this forum and has not recieved heat rounds. From everything I have read of hers, she is remorseful and very much wants to do the right thing. Dr Harley and Mrs Harley are very perceptive and before Jenny was on the air, they probably exchanged enough emails to convey her sincerity.

Also, Dr Harley rarely gives 2x4's. He DOES, but he does them with an velvet covered fist and you do get the point.

As far as 2x4's, I think BS's get many more on the forum.

MelodyLane a mollycoddler......

She's got more lumber then Abe Lincolns log cabin.

That was me on the radio, though I should explain a couple things. First of all, my e-mail was not read in its entirety. The Harleys focused only on one part of it--the "justification" I had made for falling out of love with my BH in the first place, which was rooted in his controlling behavior. However, certainly there is no excuse...but at the time of my A I felt justified (I selfishly deluded myself).

I wasn't looking for understanding from the Harleys, rather help with how to make sure my BH never has to go through this again. And guidance in how to keep the OM away. The answer the Harleys gave me in protecting my M was simple: to love one another. Show it by eliminating love busters.

Btw, I offered my BH an "out" and I'd let him have everything, but he wanted to stay with me. So we made a commitment that if we chose to stay together through this we would have to start loving each other better. The Harleys re-emphasized how we can do this. Both of us have things we need to work on, but because I sinned greater against my BH, I was trying to make up for my sin by exerting a lot more into loving my BH without reciprocation. But one-sided love leads to a loveless marriage, and we can all see the writing on the wall if that were to continue. That's what the Harleys wanted to nip in the bud.

My repentance was expressed in my original e-mail, though that part wasn't read aloud. I don't think the Harleys had any doubt about my guilt and desire to be a better W. But in case anyone doubts the state of my conscience, I'm not faking sincerity about the grief over my sin against my BH. If I didn't feel bad I wouldn't be on this website doing everything in my power to make sure I am a better W until death do us part. And I make daily effort to show BH love, and he has no regrets for staying with me. Ultimately we're both 100% guilty of our own sins against each other and we need to make daily effort not to hurt one another anymore. MB has guided us through that.

As for 2x4s from the Harleys, I think most adulterers seeking help from MB have already had plenty of 2x4s from BS and others. I don't think a 2x4 answers the problem of how do I make sure I protect my BS from anymore pain...practical changes are what we need guidance on. I've gotten that, my BH has gotten that, and our M is more honest and open and...strangely...better than ever! But we've still got the issue of protecting the unity of our family (re: our OC) and that's the hurdle we are fumbling over right now.

Sorry for being longwinded, but I wanted to make sure I answered the concerns.

Thanks for clarifying, wanthealing, this was my takeaway exactly. I have always felt you were sincere and had no doubt the Harleys perceived the same thing I did.

Am so glad you are getting the book Lovebusters! Would it help if your H came to the forum.

And I have to say I chuckled at the notion of Melodylane the "mollycoddler!"

You would be surprised. WE have many adulterers who show up here, not for help, but for validation in pursuit of their affair or help in keeping it secret from their spouse. Needless to say, they usually end up with a much needed foot up the behind.

I've tried convincing my BH to go on this forum, but he follows mine and sometimes asks me to post questions for him. I'm just glad we're sharing in this learning and growth process. The thing that surprised me most was that he was more upset about sharing OC than about my A. Quite frankly, I didn't get enough 2x4s from him, but I made up for it against myself. I was consumed with guilt for a long time after my BH forgave me, but I had to keep reminding myself that all I can do now is guard against it ever happening again. But I don't want to forget...ever. I hope that every WS never forgets the hurt they've caused their BS. I'll never forget his face the day I fessed up. I've burned that look in my mind and will keep it there forever.

Why don't you sign up BH as Mrwanthealing? Then when he has a question you can post it there. Then he can watch for a reponse. Some MBer's maybe able to draw him out.

wanthealing, I also heard Dr Harley tell you that your H should email him if he has any questions. That is an invaluable resource. The man is brilliant, IMO!

That's a good idea. Thanks!

want, you really need to encourage your h to post here.

from what i heard on the radio segment was that dr harley didn't give your marriage much chance if your h doesn't stop his lb'ing controling attitude completely and soon.

this would be a great place for him to vent/rant and get support when he feels like slipping into that controling state

No, he did not. I told the OM I was P, and ending the A, before I told my BH anything. (Sorry, it took me so long to get back to you, btw, I haven't been back here since I posted that.)

How are you doing wanthealing? I've been thinking of you. That's what brought me here tonight.