I am hoping for some insight....

Earlier this past summer, my husbands emotional affair with a woman whom we were very close friends with was revealed. He walked out on our family and hasn't moved back since. Just 3 mos prior he had said that he loved me but wasn't in love with me and needed some space to figure out his feelings and couldn't have sex with me while he was doing this as he didn't want to further confusion his feelings. Red flag right there and asked if he was having an affair, which he denied. I sat back and watched it unfold, confronting both of them numerous times until they couldn't hide it any longer.

I found out in the fall that their relationship had become physical sometime in late summer and shortly after that he stopped having money deposited into our shared acct. I had to file for divorce to protect myself and the kids.

Since (and even well before) finding out about their affair, I have tried counseling (he only went with 5 times and said it didn't work), individual (have to go on a regular basis b/c of all the things he has destroyed in me), and asked him to try a few marriage conferences. I understand that he is in the throws of limerence b/c he has almsot completely changed his way of life and friends, etc. He is very much like a drug addict with this other woman. She is now divorced, and I am prolonging the divorce proceedings. He is staying the night at her house WITH OUR CHILDREN on a regular basis (even though he lives with his enabling parents).

I am trying to pop his bubble and bring him back to reality and make him realize what he is doing. He has rewritten history in order to justify what he has done and has many convinced that I was ultimately horrible to him. But, those who know us best (with the exception of his family) have all said that i was the one doing for him all the time with nothing in return. My son has started crying at times and saying he doesn't want to go to the OW house b/c all she does is scream and fight with daddy. He doesn't seem to think that what he is doing is a problem.

On the other hand the other woman has some serious issues. Before the affair was exposed, my husband witnessed OW "swinging" with another man. SO,... we have a married woman, who is having an affair, and is swinging with another man whom is neither of the first 2 men. Also, she has performed oral sex on a DIFFERENT guy than mentioned above after getting married, and her husband witnessed it. These are ALL things that my husband one year ago frowned upon deeply. So, even after witnessing her "swinging" and her telling him she was pressured into it, he still wants to be with it.

The problem: his family is condoning this affair. They have not once called in 6 mos to check on me or the kids... obvious how they feel about me. I am wondering if I should expose the stuff that she has done to his family in order to help break the affair. I am sure they know nothing about any of this and they are all VERY chummy with her as of now, eating dinner out, etc. She is also screaming at him on a regular basis and he has taken the kids a few times from her house when she has done this. But, she is also buying him stuff like you wouldn't believe (an expensive jacket, new watch, etc) for Christmas, like she is buying him. I think if his family was made aware of her past history, even things that happened while she was with him, may be brought to his attention and pop his bubble to some extent.

I am trying to get him to go to a conference for "closure" since he refuses counseling with me and says he only wants a divorce. I see that he is a completely different person (in a very negative way) than he was a year or so ago. They say they help with limerence and 3 out of 4 people have their marriages restored, even after infidelity and cases when one person doesn't want to work on the marriage or go to the conference.

Any insight is helpful! I am going nuts and trying to figure out what I should do!

Collect evidence. Counciling will not help. Expose where it hurts (maybe work and friends)

This has to stop. Why are you allowing your children to be exposed to this skank?

How old are you both, and how long have you been married? How old are your kids?

Stop focusing on how scuzzy the OW is too. Would it be okay if she were an otherwise fine, upstanding citizen?

I would suggest ordering the book Surviving An Affair and figuring out how to implement the plan in it for your situation.

Well, believe me I have TRIED to stop this. I have expressed that it's not appropriate for the kids to be around her or for them to be staying over night AND in her room and for the kids to see them kiss. Heads up you know where for sure!!! I contacted my attorney and he said there is nothing I can do really. He and I had an agreeement that he wouldn't do this and in turn, he has every chance he gets. ANd, whenever he gets the kids to visit, they ALWAYS end up at some point with her, whether going to her house, eating dinner, etc. He says the kids are his #1 priority BUT yet the kids are at her house playing with her kids.

I am friends with many people from his work. Almost EVERYONE knows and we livein a small town so it's all over town as well. Almost everyone has approached him and said WHAT ARE YOU DOING? And he ignores them... he says he's been so unhappy for so long (show me seriously) and then he pulled out a laundry list of the reasons why he wasn't happy and didn't love me. Fact of the matter is, they were all part of LIFE with young children. A close friend even sat down with him one on one and basically my H said that he doesn't see any hope for things to ever be like they were before or for us to repair anything.

We have been together 13 years, married 7 and have 2 kids under age 5. He is 31 and I will be 31 shortly. I have evidence GALORE and the affair is in the open. I want to reveal all of it to his parents b/c I am sure they know nothing. My parents and closest friends know but I also believe others have now figured out as well.

Uh no it wouldn't be ok if she was upstanding... but the actions add insult to injury. I have read surviving an affair and tried to implement. Maybe I need to check it out again and go over it some more....

And it's funny you call her a skank.... my counselor calls her the same as well as the majority of the people I know!!!

Then you need to talk to another lawyer. It shouldn't be that difficult to get a TRO against the OW being anywhere near your kids.

The plan from the book is to
plan A (don't lovebust or spend much time talking about the state of the relationship. To be your most appealing self despite the pain of the adultery. To try and meet some of the emotional needs your spouse has,despite him doing and saying hurtful things to you.)
then you go to
plan B

You give the spouse a letter that describes how much you love him, how you will create a thriving marriage with him ONCE his affair is over in every way and until then you will not have any contact with him.

Then you remove yourself from the life of the wayward spouse and build your own life.

You might reconcile with the wayward spouse if and when his affair ends. You might not.

You learn to manage and stand tall no matter what way it goes.

Reread the book!

Mine comes back from vacation monday and I will talk to him about it. But everything /I have read and researched, in the state of Illinois, a judge won't do much about it. That has to be an agreement between us put into a divorce proceedings. I would like to try to put things back together for my kids. the OW is a VERY controlling, manipulative person that I have known for a while and always thought this. What is a TRO? I need to brush up on these abbrevs

Oh yes.... I have read and implemented that. I don't talk with him UNLESS it is about the kids and it is by email. He will not allow me to meet ANY needs of his (allow I did give him a Christmas gift and it made him cry). I did write the letter and it did nothing. He sees ZERO hope for us and doesn't want to come home. I guess that air mattress he's been sleepign on is comfy..... I have built my own life. New furniture, new haircut, new routines, back to school....... he's still so far in la-la land it seems it isn't phasing him. I will check out the book again, or just buy the darn thing!

Temporary Restraining Order (TRO).

That's what I thought.... they said I can't really do that b/c she isn't really harming my kids. BUT now that she is screaming in front of the kids at him and it is harming the boys, I just may have to see if I can. Thanks!

NLF,

and couldn't have sex with me while he was doing this

Thank God!, you don't know what STDs he has caught off this germ box, don't have sex until he is completely tested, barf!

Your kids need at least one healthy parent.

God Bless
Gamma

I know! Luckily when all that was happening back in the spring, it was only emotional. It wasn't until it came out in the summer that it became physical. Yeah, no joke about the germ box. I only can imagine what kind of crap he's contracted if he has.... so much for being the "one and only" with each other. WE are talking about a woman who had f*&k buddies in college... gross. I don't even know how we became friends with these people. These are so completely against every moral I believe in.

So... what do I do about releasing this to his parents, and quite possibly hers? I am sure they don't know about all this nastiness.... and frankly his smokescreen is damaging my kids to no end. To make matters worse, they both look horrible. He has grown a beard and it's untrimmed and NASTY and she has put on soooo much weight, let her hair grow out and is dark again. And trying to wear it curly.... sounds like she is trying to be ME!

This doesn't sound to me like plan A or plan B, but something in between. I would think that starting with a complete plan A for a time before a real plan B would be recommended, and there are lots of helpful posts describing these plans on the forum. I'll try and dig up some links if I don't get beat to it.

Edit:
Plan A
Plan B
.. I'm sure there's more good ones out there.

By saying I only communicate with him about the kids is b/c he will ONLY communicate with me in this manner. If I email him about anything other than the kids, he doesn't respond, if he even reads it.

Print this article and give it to your WH. Ensure he gets it - do not email. Put it in envelope and have one of your children hand it to him when they go with him.

Lessons Children Learn from Infidelity
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8112_lesson.html

He just came to pick up the boys so I will be sure to give it to him on Sunday. My oldest informed me that her son told him today that they were all going somewhere special this weekend.... barf. I made sure he knew he was not allowed to take them out of town over night without permission. We shall see if the kids stay the night at her house this weekend as well.

@neverlosefaith -

Are you in Plan A or Plan B or Plan Whatever. Please let me know so that I can help you. I can help with Plan A or B. I can't help with Plan Whatever.