I am not married, but I have been going out with my boyfriend for about 15 years now. We live together and are practically a married couple, he has expressed wanting to marry me as soon as he has completed his PhD studies.

However, I have discovered many things over the past couple months. For instance, he often travels overseas. He tells me that he is visiting his friends in one country, but I looked at his passport and he was actually going to other countries, such as Thailand.. probably to meet women. From there I became suspicious and decided to spy on his computer activity. Sure enough, in his email I found that he had been going to this country and that and messing around. I saw all his emails from all of the women he was with as well. In addition, he had been meeting many women online. His secret email account probably had over 1000 messages in it to at least a hundred different women. He is also currently involved in a semi-serious relationship with another married woman.

When I confronted him about this, he said he was very sorry I had to find out about this. Although it doesn't excuse his behavior, he came from a household where his father would do similar (i.e. have many affairs). He said he did love me but that he had some obvious problems. He said that to him, sex was not part of the equation for love. Sex is purely for pleasure. He does treat me very well, and does everything for me. Besides this sex thing (although of course this is a major thing), he is the sweetest guy you could imagine and he is always there for me no matter what. I tried to convince him to seek counseling but he said that it is something that he has already done in the past. He started crying and saying that he was so messed up and his problems basically precludes himself from having any forms of meaningful relationships because who would want someone like him? He said that he has always been this way even before we met. I suspect that he has sex addiction. We both took a sex addict test, and I scored a 4, which is within normal range. He scored a 15/20 which was in the sex addict range. As I mentioned, he goes online alot, but whenver he looks for people online, he will post in the looking for relationship section of craigslist or some other site, and say that he's 20 even though he's over 30, so that he can attract younger girls (believe me he can easily pass for a college student due to his young and good looks).

He is very secretive about his problems to everyone, and I think I am the first person who has learned the truth about him. I thought about exposing him, but I don't really know if it will do any good (and to whom should I expose: his family, friends, work??). I had threatened to expose him n the past, at least to his family (and this is before I came across this site), and he was very very angry. In fact he went into a bit of a frenzy and destroyed a wall (he has never laid a finger on me before though). He told me that if I did that I would ruin his life. He even threatened suicide. He said either he would commit suicide or he would just leave his town or family and never come back. If he did either of those things, I don't think it would help me very much.. I don't think he would go through with a suicide, but honestly I don't know that 100 percent.. he often times says extreme things and I won't believe him but he goes through with it anyway just to prove his point.

I know he is a big mess but I don't want to walk away. I love him very much and I know he loves me back as well (like I said before, all his other actions show that he loves me other than his sex addiction problems). Also, other than his problems, he is a fairly responsible adult. He helps out around the house, makes a good 6 figure salary, is very hard working, etc. Also I have been with him for 15 years, and I know that if he doesn't have me, then he doesn't have anyone else. He constantly tells me that I'm the only good thing in his life and that if he didn't have me he might as well not live. He does not really have many good friendships and although his family loves him, he does not feel a part of his family.

I know its been 15 years.

From your post info.....I, personally would

just walk away.

Create a new future from here that does not include him.

He is a mess. Too big of a mess for almost anyone as far as his sexual life.

Maybe expose to the women so they know what they are dealing with.

The vets will come along shortly and share their wisdom with you but as far as I'm concerned you should count your blessings that you discovered this now instead of after you were married. Actions such as this indicate a personality trait that is probably not indicative of a long and loving relationship.

I know this sounds a little unbelievable, but I don't think that we would ever separate unless I decided to do so. I don't really know how to explain, and it's going to sound like bull because of all the sexual activity, but I do trust that he will never leave me. He constantly tells me that I'm all he has, and he has been like that since I met him 15 years ago. He's pretty attached and a little emotional and constantly fearing that I will leave him, which I really have no intentions of doing. And like I said, other than the the sexual activity (which he deems to be "just sex for pleasure and not love") he treats me better than anyone has ever treated me. Yeah, I know that sounds really twisted and weird, but it is true, if I took the sex out of the equation (though I know I probably shouldnt). I should probably add that he has been basically doing his sex thing for half of the time we've been together, so I'm pretty confident that he does speak the truth when he says that it is for sex and not love.. that and the fact that he's never with the same person for long, although he had longer term flings that have lasted upwards of 6 months. Those I'm more concerned with as well..

If its been going on that long, and to that extent, and there are hundreds of women involved in foreign countries...

Yeah...

Walk away.

It seems to me he's blaming a lot of this on his father's example.

Well, guess what, we can all choose not to be our parents...given enough motivation and will power.

Good luck and peace to you!

If you are okay with him having sex with other people, and that many and you accept that this is what it is.....and have no intention of leaving him....fine.

You are, by proxy having sex with thousands of people yourself. The ones he has sex with plus each one's list of previous sexual partners and the math is staggering. And you didn't choose it though you accept it.

You two are not married. You are not interested in living a more conventional life enough to stand up for your own sexual self.

I don't think this site will be very useful for you.

I say this with no malice, just logic.

You need to understand something dating is like a really big interview to be your ''wife'' he has just failed that interview hundreds of times...

My advice?

Walk away, it is better to find out now instead 5 years down the road with two children and a STD.

You are not married so you are lucky.

I was going to suggest the same thing, but with a different twist. (Actually, I was going to allude to dog feces not willingly leaving my shoe, either.)

He's not going to leave you because he has everything he has ever wanted in life. He has you at home keeping house without the trouble involved with actually marrying you. He has you believing that "finishing his PhD" somehow prevents that little detail from happening. He has a mystery requirement to travel overseas to disguise his side-trips to get his horn honked for, what, $2.00 US ? He has you so emotionally knit to his often-dropped pants (probably because of the fifteen year test-drive you've allowed him) that you somehow think he's worth the time and effort to register and pose questions on this site. He has you so worried (about HIM leaving YOU? ) that he undoubtably hasn't been checked for STD's (results to be given to you), or made appointments for you to be checked.

Yep, ol' WBF, in his mind, has it pretty damn good !

When someone disclaims a statement with "This is going to sound weird..." it has been my experience the speaker means "I can't really bring myself to believe this bilge, but you might...."

So, all that being said, what exactly do you want from us here?

He is unlikely to change at this point unless you are prepared to walk away. He is an addict and your continued presence simply enables the double life that he wants.

Please don't fall for his BS about how "no one will love him". Puh-leeze. Talk about a guilt trip! Is he feeble-minded? Incompetent? If so, perhaps he should be committed.

Nope - didn't think so.

OFD,

he tells me that he is visiting his friends in one country, but I looked at his passport and he was actually going to other countries, such as Thailand.. probably to meet women.

So he is a chronic liar who visits countries where AIDS is epidemic, and may be paying extra to get unprotected sex for all you know.

he had been meeting many women online. His secret email account probably had over 1000 messages in it to at least a hundred different women. He is also currently involved in a semi-serious relationship with another married woman.

So this "nice guy" is also risking the health of potentially dozens of women, some of whom may have children they have to take care of and husbands who are oblivious to the danger.

And while we both know that lots of people have no reguard for the welfare of others, serial killers, Bernard Madoff, etc, do you really want a relationship with such a person?

he said he was very sorry I had to find out about this...He started crying and saying that he was so messed up and his...
He is very secretive about his problems to everyone,...(and to whom should I expose: his family, friends, work??).

Expose to everyone the man is a public menace and if you don't you are equally as guilty as the guards at the Nazi death camps.

He even threatened suicide. He said either he would commit suicide or he would just leave his town or family and never come back.

Blow up his world, and for Gods sake get yourself tested for STDs, the man is a criminal.

God Bless
Gamma

onefineday,

Every red flag is there for a lifetime of misery.

He treats you well by having sex with 100's of women? This is a man with serious issues -- more than you can handle.

You think you are his saviour but instead you are giving him permission to act this way.

Thailand? That is very worrisome. Big red flag. Most single men that vacation there are looking for young girls...pre-teens. It is notorious for pedophiles.

This is the man you want to marry and have children with.

15 years...in this case think of it as the cup half empty instead of half full.

Get to a counselor and start working on yourself. Read your first post carefully. If this was your friend what would you tell her.

Honestly though, should I expose him? I just want to help him out. I am really actually very scared that he really might either further disassociate himself from his family, who he really needs, or that he will commit suicide. I would feel responsible in either case. I've been with him for 15 years and even if I don't stay with him, I do not want to see him this way. I'm sure you guys would understand too if you loved someone. No matter how messed up they are you at the very least would want them to seek help..

Many of you are responding with harsh comments, which he may well deserve, but it's not really constructive advice.

Not that it matters, but for those who are commenting on the PhD... it is an 8 year long program and he is on the final draft of his dissertation. Many people probably don't understand how much stress it is to go through a PhD. I know that he would marry me once he's done. But as you guys have mentioned, I may not want to go through that. However, I still want to help him...

OFD,

More likely you are going to keep him from dying from AIDS if you expose him, or getting shot by some womans husband.

God Bless
Gamma

Ditto.

Would you find his behavior acceptable if you replaced the word "sex" with "drugs?" Or "alcohol?"

Because in essence, that's what you're dealing with.

The addict will always choose the addiction over everything else.

ALWAYS.

You can't change him. He doesn't want to change.

You might benefit from attending several Al-Anon meetings (even though it's not alcohol that's at issue).

Learn the terms "co-dependent" and "enabling." Then learn the term "detachment."

Save yourself. And by the way, have yourself checked for STDs...

I never said that I found his behavior acceptable. Not in the least, or I would not be seeking advice here. I may look into the alcoholics anonymous that you mentioned even if its not really for sexual addiction.

I know that it's not something I can change for him, it's all up to him, and a lot of people are simply telling me to forget about him. But look at it this way, if your father or brother or closest friend was addicted to sex, drugs, or what have you, what would you do? Would you just say oh well? **EDIT** Or would you try your best to find a way to help? I know I can't change him 100% but I will try and maybe there will be some signs of progress over time. And although you say he doesn't want to help himself, he has checked himself into many support groups himself. They just have not been able to help him that much. Sex addiction is just like any other addiction, it's something you have a hard time controlling. Except in this case the impact is obviously far more pervasive.

OFD,

Except with drug and alcohol you don't have to drink or do drugs with that person. With sex, unless you abstain, it is just as dangerous for you as it is for him.

He is also one conceited human being, he values his good name only because it makes a great fashion accessory. What a Dorian Gray style horror story.

Don't ever get old he will drop you like a hot potato.

God Bless
Gamma

***EDIT*** No, we rarely sleep together. And by rarely I mean like never, so he could care less whether I get older or not. And I have been checked and I am negative.

Okay, I will cop to being somewhat negative in my prior post. I will answer your specific question, "Should I expose him?"

Yes, for his own good, and the good of anyone who thinks well of him at all.

Yes, because it may work to save his life.

Yes, because if it shocks him into looking at his behavior at all critically, and if it motivates him to get the therapy he so richly needs, and if that therapy actually brings him into some kind of conformance to a standard approaching that of a decent human being, he may actually (many years hence) be of value to some other woman as a husband.

You on the other hand, are not going to be that woman. His disrespect for you, his degradation of any affection you've provided to him, demonstrates that he has no regard for you.

Expose. Exit.

And as for your really stretched analogy:
I'd have to consider this in terms of whether my father, brother or closest friend, had by living with me and sharing intense sexual and romantic involvement, ever told me, or led me to believe, that he and I would be the ones to share those sexual (or narcotic) moments exclusively, for life.

In that case I'd certainly kick him to the curb.

(Now I have to wash that image of me and my best friend "together" out of my mind. Bourbon, barkeep!)

For someone who has asked for advice, you are pretty defensive against the most excellent advice you have received.

1. Yes, expose.
2. Leave him. You deserve better. You are worthy of being valued, cherished.

That's what it boils down to. Take it or leave it.