Addicts turn around only after they hit "rock bottom." He won't do that if you keep enabling him. Ever.

He needs to be exposed and that married woman certainly needs to know that she is dealing with an ill man, as does her husband. They are both at a huge risk and they need to know.

He won't commit suicide, he's manipulating you. He needs to hit rock bottom. He needs to be exposed, and you need to leave him. "If you love someone, set them free. If they come back" etc.

Give him a chance to change by staying out of the way. If he comes back to you a changed man YEARS from now, then think about it. He needs a lot more help than you can give and someone who says "I'm sorry you had to find out about this" (Note: he's not even pretending to be sorry about actually doing it) and that nothing will ever change him because he's already tried... He is never going to change. Period.

You don't have to take yourself down with him. If his family loves him, put it in their hands and let them do the helping.

Thanks, that was quite helpful, and I thank you for admitting that your initial comment was a tad harsh. He really just needs help, and is a human being just like any other human being. We all sin and are viewed the same by God (though I am not religious, I know that is a major idea in the Christian Bible). Yes, I think that perhaps exposing him might be what I need to do. I've already kind of exposed him to some of the girls he was with as well as their husbands, but they didn't really seem to care. But I'll continue to expose for his own good.

I'm guessing that a mass exposing won't be necessary and I can do it as I think of people to expose to (since I think the purpose of a mass exposing is to ensure that the person doesn't build up lies in advance)? He has never really denied his issues to anyone once they have found out about them. He just obviously never would tell them on his own.

I don't think you need to frame it in terms of how you did. Just imagine if your father, brother, or best friend ever had an addiction.. it doesnt have to be sex... and it doesn't have to involve you directly.. it is their personal problem. Would you help them? Same to all the others who are telling me to simply just drop him to the curb.. I really don't think I will be marrying him I guess, but care about him nonetheless and want him to get better. All the hateful comments just don't help.

We want YOU to get better. You won't while you're with him.

I haven't noticed any hateful comments here, just helpful.

Though no one here knows you. They see denial of the big picture.

You are in love. Understood. You don't want him to not get help. Understood.

You are only two months into the knowledge of his second life and you are where any other person would be in stages of dealing with it.

You can just walk away though. Whatever comes up, keep that in mind.

You do not have to help him save himself. You have to save yourself first and maybe only.

You are still thinking you are in the relationship that you thought your were in for 15 years and you do not want to let the good stuff go. Sadly, it never was really the relationship you thought. You were mislead. It'll take time to synthesis.

A little story that might work..

My sister has no sense of finances and is something of a shopping addict. I let her move in with me once when she was totally broke and had dropped out of school, again. My mom paid off her credit cards, we moved her all the way to my city and re-enrolled her in a new college. Within a month, she was back to maxed out credit cards, had dropped out of school and spent the refund money, and started meeting guys in strip clubs and bringing them home to MY HOUSE.

I love my sister very much. I kicked her out.

Her behavior was risky and I was not going to enable her any more, not to mention risking my own safety (which you are very much doing). Now that she has had to work to pay her own rent and isn't getting any more "help" from her family, she is learning to change her behaviors. She has a job, she is saving money, and more than a year after I kicked her out, we are starting to have a relationship again. I felt bad using such 'tough love' on her, but I am so glad she is becoming healthy. No amount of "helping" her by enabling her was going to have the same positive effect that forcing her to hit rock bottom and face her problems was.

As I've said before several times, I don't expect that I will end up with him in the long run. In fact I'm pretty sure I won't. I was mainly getting feedback on how to help him, of which some people did post some constructive comments (e.g. the alcoholics anonymous comment). When I said hateful comments, I meant sarcastic comments comparing him to dog feces and comments like that, which have no constructive value to them. I understand why people would be upset about someone like that, but I don't really think its necessary. You're talking to me, not to him. No I don't have an obligation to help him. However, like I said, I've known him for more than 15 years, and do care about whether or not he gets better, just like a friend or family member would care for another (I'm only talking friends here, not like I'm going to be his soulmate. I'm not that delusional).

Thank you. That was a helpful story to illustrate your point.. I know that in the end it's really going to be up to him. but I hope I can at least get some ideas and point him in the right direction.

You said in an earlier post he was afraid you'd leave him and you have no intention of doing that.

I can tell you are torn about what to do all together. We are just trying to give you direction. We all love people who betrayed us so we 'get' it but we also get that you have a big, scary thing here that few of us have had and it looks WAY messy to stay around to deal with longer than you need to to get in a better place for YOURSELF!

Hm by that I meant I don't want to just abandon him completely. I would like to be there for him if he needs it.. which is to say someone to talk to when feeling depressed, lacks anyone to talk to, etc.. like I said, we don't have sex and have not for a very long time. I will keep your words in mind.

Though I just would like everyone to know that my own life is fine right now really. My career is going well, I have plenty of good friends, my health is fine (no stds like I said...), and I am in no rush to get into another relationship, but that will come later.

You do realize that HIV doesn't show up for a while on tests, right? You could have it and not even know it. He could too for that matter.

We have not really done it in years. The tests are generally accurate 3 months upon when the sexual activity took place. it's been way longer than that. I checked myself fairly recently and I was clean.

"Have not really"?

Either you have, or you haven't.

The last time was 3 years ago, about. So have not.

I thought you were maybe alluding to "other" ways of SF. That's what most people I know mean when they say "am not really doing SF right now."

Oh my. This adds yet another layer of his lack of respect towards you.

If you are asexual with no desire for sex then.....perhaps he has been your best choice of mates, disregarding his secrecy and deceit.
If you ARE a sexual person and thought he was impotent, he has further neglected and abused you. Made you suffer lack of sexuality in the relationship.

Yay on being sure about no STDs but this is a mess. Get out of the mess. Save yourself. You will be miserable while you learn to live a life without him but save your own self.

Life is too short, even if you live to over 100 to deal with this problem he has.

Love him but leave him.

Onefineday,

I have been ill and on hiatus. I'm posting only because I've been online for a bit.

You ask, "Should I expose?". Then, you go on to describe your life with a man who supposedly treats you well. You talk of the money he makes - six figures. Wonderful. Big deal, because that money cannot buy much when you sit alone and he is out with one of his HUNDREDS OF OTHER WOMEN.

Knowing that he threatens suicide in order to control your behavior? Nope. He does that to control YOU - and you cave because......he offers the money to keep you there as cover for his deeds.

You enable him.


Now you know that. Each and every day, when you wake up, and he goes online to find his girls, you have to know that your silence enables his predatory behavior.

Your answer is before you.


The question you then pose is, "If I expose him, he might commit suicide, and then I will be responsible, right?"

Let's say his threats are serious, as all threats should be taken seriously in this arena.

Instead of the usual manner of exposure, you have some preparation to do.

1. Seek professional guidance. Go today to a professional psyciatrist or psychologist and explain your situation. That person will know how to handle this. We people - out here in the Internet world - are not pros. We are regular people like you. Not pros. Go get someone to help you.

2. Do not attempt to confront him yourself without some professional guidance, if you believe he is suicidal.

3. You absolutely must involve his family, whether he likes them or not, and whether you like them or not. Why? Because unfortunately YOU ARE NOT HIS WIFE, AND YOU HAVE NO LEGAL STANDING IN HIS LIFE. His family does. They have to do something.

4. After you have involved the professionals - do what they say. Don't sit around and let him continue his behavior. I say this because your current belief is that he travels to Thailand to see "women". Someone correctly pointed out that many pedophiles go there to see girls. There is a distinct possibility that your boyfriend has issues in your own country, and he has not revealed this truth to you. You must understand that he sees this as his "way of life". You are someone who is in his way - and nothing more. You two don't have sex because


you
are
not
his
type.


You are already too old.



Think about this. Get professional help. And we are not it.


SB

Don't get me wrong. I enjoy sex, but I definitely don't require it to be happy. I don't think I'll be miserable separating myself from him. As I said, I have my life and it is going well. I'm primarily concerned about him right now. Yes, I guess one of the better options is just to talk to his family and closer friends and make sure he doesn't try to alienate himself from them. Thank you for your feedback.

onefineday - I find it admirable that you want to help your BF, but you have to take care of yourself as well.

What concerns me is:

He does NOT treat you well. He treats you good enough, but your health and well being is LESS important to him than his orgasm.

Ask yourself why you would want to keep a person like that in your life. Why you value yourself so little that you would put up with this kind of behavior.


I would suggest that this isn't helpful to you OR him. He needs boundaries to be enforced in his life. He needs some serious help. Sexual encounters with 100+ women, vacations JUST for sex. That is dangerous sexual behavior - that is not normal or healthy. You are normalizing this behavior. Your sticking around only serves to keep him from getting the help that HE needs.

And it puts you in a dangerous position. It keeps you from moving on, it keeps you from seeing that this is the behavior of someone who DOES NOT have your best interest in his heart. It normalizes this, and you accept it, and eventually you will rationalize it, to get what you need: an intimate emotional relationship with someone who has demonstrated he is NOT SAFE.

I wouldn't walk, I WOULD RUN from this man.

He needs help - help that you are NOT CAPABLE of giving him. Staying enables and perpetuates his illness and keeps you stuck. It is a very unhealthy cycle.

Please, encourage him to get help, and disconnect him from your life.

You need and DESERVE better. You really do.

Figure out why you are willing to contemplate settling for so little.

And yes, expose him - to those who care for him and are in a position to help him.

ETA: I STRONGLY recommend getting retested for STDs in 6 months.

You could always meet with a psychologist, have that person meet with his parents, then schedule an intervention for that family.

And walk away. Let the family take over from there.

Have a nice little apartment rented in a nice little town somewhere else, leave no forwarding address, and be gone.

SB

Yes, THIS! One thousand times THIS!

You are not equipped to help this man. Attempting to do so will only hurt you in the end. You need to walk away and work on your own personal healing.