In reading all you've said on this thread, I notice that you seem to put a lot of significance into these (many,many) conversations you've been having with WH where you "try to convey" .... whatever.


You think , erroneously, that you can manipulate the desired outcome by virtue of (finally) finding just the right way to convey your feelings to WH.
Just the right words "to convey" will cause a flash of insight,understanding, and thusly result in a devoted return to the business of making your marriage work.

Let me give it to you plainly.
WH does not care if he hurts you.

There.
Now what?

The way to turn this ship around, if it CAN be turned around, is by WH experiencing a loss of something he values.

Right now, he values OW.
Right now, there is not a worry he may lose you.
Why?

Because .....



What you keep falling for is YOUR (failed) thought-error, that your words will be enough to fix this.

You need a plan of ACTION.

Do you have the strength for that?

I'm afraid that I don't!!! (not yelling at you, just venting). I've been asking that question of myself a lot over the past month or so. I believe that is mostly fear talking because I do know myself in that when I set my mind to something, I do it. I have vaccilated back and forth over this so much that I'm getting on my own nerves.

I have a problem with failure. Somewhere in my mind, I feel like we have failed and that part of me won't give up even though its wearing me down. Maybe the answers have been there all the time but I don't want to see it.

I think a Plan B letter is in order.

Plan B is a plan of action.

WH does not care if he hurts you.

Here is my Plan B letter. Can anyone help me with this???

I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair with Jessica possible. I understand that prior to my discovery of the affair in September 2009, my inability to work with you on meeting your needs caused you to feel lonely and frustrated. When I look back at this past summer however, I really thought things were going well. I am at a loss to understand your decision to rekindle the affair with Jessica during this past fall. I am sorry for the times I have sounded belittling and judgmental. I understand how it has probably promoted your silence and lies, rather than create an environment in which you feel you can speak openly and honestly with me.
I have shown that I was willing to avoid the mistakes I�ve made in the past and create a new life for both of us that will meet your needs. It hurts me deeply to know that all along, you thought I was making these changes because I wanted to be like Jessica. I have never been anyone but myself. Valerie. Through these past 16 months, I have not only learned about your needs, but I discovered mine too. I cannot meet your needs as long as you are having an affair, or even holding on to your feelings for Jessica.
For these reasons, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. If you need to contact me for any reason, you may do so through a family member or friend. Financially, things will remain as-is. I will continue to pay my half of the bills. If things change, I will communicate this to you through a family member or friend. If I need to come to the house for any reason, I will do so when you are not home.
I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you this way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship with Jessica, and I simply cannot be with you any longer knowing that you still feel so passionately towards her. I still love you, but I cannot be with you under these conditions.
If you are willing to permanently separate from Jessica and follow the measures that I have suggested to ensure total separation, I will be willing to discuss our possible future together. Until then, I cannot continue to compromise my self-worth for a relationship that is slowly destroying me. I wanted us to be able to rebuild our marriage some day. I wanted us to be able to meet each other�s emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. I thought we were building a new lifestyle, and I have enjoyed all of the things we�ve done together. I have always wanted to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I have wanted you as my best friend.
I loved you when we married and I continue to love you right up to this day. I just cannot be with you or help you as long as your feelings for Jessica continue to drive a wedge between us.

My first thought is that it is too long and detailed. As the vets say here, a foggy mind can't process all that!

Here's a copy of mine. I have to stress though, when you go into plan b, please stay there! Plan B is for you, not for the WS.

Dear WS,
This is has been such a difficult time in our lives together. I love you so very much. I want our marriage and family restored and I am willing to do my part to care and protect you.

However, I cannot go on like this forever. I am so sorry for my part in creating an atmosphere that helped make the affair possible.

I love you and wanted to grow old with you, but it�s just too hard for me to share you in anyway with POSOW. The love I have in my heart for you is being drained by sharing you and I want to protect what love I have for you. I am willing to create a new life for us but can't until you end your relationship with POSOW once and for all.

Until then I can no longer see or talk to you. I ask that you no longer contact me directly. You are not to come into the house unless it is prearranged to pick-up items. I will assume that the finances will be the same as you have been providing for the kids and me. IM has agreed to act as an intermediary for issues regarding the children or finances. I will be sure to have the kids ready for your visits by meeting you in the driveway. I also ask that you not disrespect me by exposing our children to POSOW in any way.

The path back to my heart and our family is there as soon as you are willing to permanently separate from POSOW with no contact with her ever again and start a plan to recover our marriage. If we both work at our marriage, I know we can have the happiest of marriages. I am really going to miss you, my friend, my lover and my husband.

Love you always,

When you write from the heart, its never wrong

I respectfully disagree, rush. This is what most BS have been doing up to this point. A plan b letter needs to be loving, but also clear and methodical.

The one I posted was edited many times by vets to ensure it was clear and not full of LB's or gushing.

This is a very difficult letter for me to write to the man I love, my husband of (number) years.

I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair with OW possible. (I am REMOVING her name on this forum, and so should you)

I understand that prior to my discovery of the affair in September 2009, my inability to work with you on meeting your needs caused you to feel lonely and frustrated. When I look back at this past summer however, I really thought things were going well. I am at a loss to understand your decision to rekindle the affair with Jessica during this past fall.

I am sorry for the times I have sounded belittling and judgmental not been a loving wife.

I understand how it has probably promoted your silence and lies, rather than create an environment in which you feel you can speak openly and honestly with me.


I have shown that I was am committed to avoiding learn from the mistakes I�ve made in the past. and I am learning new ways which will create a new life for both of us that will meet your needs where we will both meet each other's needs.

It hurts me deeply to know that all along, you thought I was making these changes because I wanted to be like Jessica.


I have never been anyone but myself. Valerie. Through these past 16 months, I have not only learned about your needs, but I discovered mine too.

I cannot meet your needs as long as you are having an affair[s], or even holding on to your feelings for Jessica.


For these reasons, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you.



If you need to contact me for any reason, you may do so through a family member or friend.

Financially, things will remain as-is. I will continue to pay my half of the bills. If things change, I will communicate this to you through a family member or friend.

If I need to come to the house for any reason, I will do so when you are not home.


I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you this way.

You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship with OW {name removed}.

and I simply cannot will not be with you any longer knowing that you still feel so passionately towards her participate in a marriage where there is a third person .

I still love you, but I cannot will not be with you under these conditions.


If Once you are willing to prove to me you have permanently separated from OW [name removed] and follow the measures that I have suggested to ensure total separation, I will be willing to discuss our possible future together.

Until then, I cannot will not continue to compromise my self-worth for a relationship that is slowly destroying me. tolerate your affair.

I must separate myself from you in order to preserve the remaining love I hold for you in my tender woman's heart.

I wanted us to be able to rebuild our marriage some day.

I wanted us to be able to meet each other�s emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other.


I thought we were building a new lifestyle, and I have enjoyed all of the things we�ve done together. I have always wanted to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I have wanted you as my best friend.


I loved you when we married and I continue to love you right up to this day. I just cannot be with you or help you as long as your feelings for OW [name removed]continue to drive a wedge between us.

As of today, you may not longer contact me directly by any method of communication.
You may relay important information to me through my intermediary (name/ email / phone ).

I will be responsible for my finances.

I love you.



(I am NOT clear of what your desired arrangement is. You can work those details out later via intermediary)

This STILL needs work as a PLAN B letter.

Pep

Thanks everybody - I will continue work with this! (Sorry, forgot about omitting OW's name before pasting! I feel so unprofessional...)

I think my letter still needs a bit of work. For example, I'm still thinking about who can be IM.

I've been going back and re-reading some parts of Dr. Harley's book because everyone has their own story and in my case, I have no proof that H and OW are still involved. However, it just seems fishy that for instance, over this summer, H and OW did not contact each other for 5 months and H told me last week that during this time, his feelings for OW did not go away. Dr. Harley states that feelings of withdrawal usually last about 3 weeks and then fade over the next 6 months. I understand everyone is a little different, but it seems strange that during that 5 month period of NC, nothing changed? For the most part, I believe H when he says that there was NC between he and OW over the summer but I just can't figure out why his feelings for OW didn't fade even a little? All it took was one phone call from OW in September to trip him up. He wasted no time getting back in touch with her. I do realize that yes, H could be lying to me about the summer. I know that because they were in contact this past fall, the clock as Dr. Harley states, "...has gone back to zero". I just wondered? Anyways, enough of my rambling. Here is my 2nd draft!!!

This is a very difficult letter for me to write to the man I love, my husband of 3 years.

I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair with OW possible. I am sorry for the times I have not been a loving wife. I am

committed to learn from the mistakes I�ve made in the past. I am learning new ways which will create a new life where we will both meet each other's needs.

You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship with OW . I simply will not participate in a marriage where there is a third person . I love

you, but I will not be with you under these conditions.


Once you prove to me you have permanently separated from OW and follow the measures that I have suggested to ensure total separation, I will be willing to discuss our

possible future together. Until then, I will not continue to tolerate your affair. I must separate myself from you in order to preserve the remaining love I hold for you in my

heart.

I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage some day. I want us to be able to meet each other�s emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. I have

always wanted to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I have wanted you as my best friend.


I loved you when we married and I continue to love you right up to this day. I just cannot be with you or help you as long as your feelings for OW continue to drive a wedge

between us. As of today, you may not longer contact me directly by any method of communication.
You may relay important information to me through my intermediary (name/ email / phone ).

I will be responsible for my portion of the finances.

I love you.

The letter is good
the only thing I would change is the best friend part. You want a lot more than just to be his best friend. He might interpret that as :we can be best friends even if I see OW...

Also:

He might not help his feeling for a while even if you R because he will be in withdrawal for a few weeks. So I would say: as long as you are seeing OW you will continue to drive a wedge between us

Stay strong
Blessing

Atena is spot on in this advice.

Welllllll, I am officially in Plan B.

Earlier today, I asked H to do an email check on his computer. I hadn't asked to see anything since mid-December, when I got caught spying on his computer. As per usual, I got the eye roll, the lip purse, the sigh, and the moment of silence before H said, "Sure". This reaction is typical to whenever I've asked to see his email, etc. I ask him why feels this way about my asking and he says, "I've told you before that I don't like it". Yes, I know he doesn't like it but I just don't understand why he feels like he has the right to never be checked up on.

I look around, go to email, etc. Then I go into his facebook and into his "Messages" section, scroll down, and come across several old messages between H and OW dating back to before the A in 2008-09. The tone of the messages between them seemed very "familiar", if you know what I mean. I know they met back in college after I'd graduated (but H and I had been dating for at least a year by then). I asked if they were more than friends back then and he said, "No, but we really did like each other". (that makes me feel GREAT!) I just thought it seemed fishy and I get more shoulder-shrugging and defensive posturing from H.

I finally told H that I just can't live my life like this any more. I've tried (many times) suggesting MC over the last 6 months and H has refused to go. I was holding Dr. Harley's book in my hand and talking about how this book has a plan for couples to work together, abiding by mutual rules, etc. H has not been interested in this either. I told him that I had to leave. The reason why I didn't ask him to leave the house is because I just CANNOT stay in that house. Too many bad memories. I need to get out and clear my head. I told him about the Plan B letter and said I would leave a copy and was pretty much angry over the situation in that he was not to know where I was going and that we would not be in contact, except through IM.

Overall, my expression was met with diffused anger. He left the house so that I could finish packing and before he left he came over to say his usual, "Bye, I love you" and I leaned away from him. Got angry at that. As he stood at the door, he paused and made it a point to say that he loved me again but it was just sort of angry like I dare you not to say it back or something. I didn't feel like I was in danger at any time or anything.

I also told H that I knew that as soon as I walked out the door, that he wasn't going to waste any time contacting OW. He seemed to take offense to that and said something like, "Yeah, 'cause that's what I'm gonna do". And I said, "Come on, (name removed) does a bear [censored] in the woods?". I told him that how in December '09 when he asked for a divorce and moved out, he resumed contact with OW. Then he moved back in a few weeks later, that R crashed and burned and then he moved out again (a year ago by this time) and resumed contact with OW. Then H and I got back together in February, contact between him and OW did not stop, and several other examples. I'm not stupid.

So anyways, I'm staying at my sister's place in her spare bedroom. She shares a place with two friends (she pretty much stays with her fiance so that's why her room is empty). I will be here until I can arrange something more permanent for myself. I really think this is the end between H and I because I truly believe he is NOT willing to make any changes and do what it takes, especially by MB principles. I am hoping to focus on myself and gain some strength and clarity.

Just thinking out loud here. I have grown and changed a lot over the last 16 months. I have gone from a person who viewed emotion as a weakness as someone who is not afraid to show her vulnerability and express herself. I have gone from a person with only a casual interest in my Faith to someone who considers God in everything I do. I know that without His strength to carry me, I would not have made it this far and I might have taken darker paths. Throughout my life, I have always been very independent. May a bit too independent at times. However, this ordeal has taught me that it is okay to need people; but the pendulum has swung in the complete opposite direction. My independence has flown the coop. I have allowed my happiness to become too dependent on someone else. A someone who is doing only what interestes them and makes them feel good.

While I've changed for the better in many ways, I have begun to warp into someone with no self-respect, allowing WH to essentially walk all over me. I'm sure he feels that no matter what he does, I will always be there - even where it involves OW. I do not want to be this person. I want someone to share my life with yes, but I want myself back too.

I am where you are.

I feel everything you feel. I am tired of my H having a nice home to come to, dinner made, laundry done, happy smiling wife all the while I carry the burden of his tremendous betrayal. I am not a doormat.

I have felt insignificant, unwanted, hated, unloved, unappreciated and disprespected. My H called me pathetic and you know what, I agree.

So, guess what Mr Man, I'm not going to be pathetic any more. The woman you married has endured pain you cannot imagine and I have absorbed it and now it gives me strength. I am soooo much stronger than you, my H, who is so weak that he falls for the seduction of a inferior woman with no morals or brains.

I say this to you Valerian so you know you have a sister in Plan B. I am heading into it - getting my ducks in a row.

God bless!

Thank you for your post Fuzzy! I hope to hear from you again. Kinda helps me draw strength when I see other people such as yourself no longer putting up with the bull**** of it all!

Take care

I have family members advising me to call OW and tell her that H is not worth it to me anymore, and that I am wiping my hands clean of him. Thoughts???

Family says its about getting my self respect back.

Yes, I think our biggest "flaw" is that...low self respect. We set the bar too low for our WH and they took full advantage of it.
I wonder if they would have cheated if we sat the bar higher.
I know for a fact that I was a doormat for sooo many years at the end he lost all respect for me.
But mostly, like you both have said, I lost respect for myself. I was so dependent on WH for my happiness that I would have done anything to keep him.
I was as addicted to him as he is now to OW! Scary but true...I saw in him all these virtues and values and incredible things...while in reality he is simply a callous and super fogged up wayward.
Sad but true. I have my part in the demise of my M. But WH had a choice to leave me without cheating on me. He chose the hurful way to do it!

Blessing

I would avoid any direct contact with OW, period.
There is nothing OW can think, say or do to give you your self respect back.
That is totally up to you. You have to show yourself that you are done with WH as he is now. If he changes, then you can decide IF you want him back. NOw you are in the driving seat. You make the decisions.
Once WH realizes you are in charge he can make his own deductions which might also be: I still prefer OW.
BUT what counts is you and your life. Make it the best life possible, in this case, without WH.
Blessing