I was wondering if anyone else has gone through the MB questionnaires with people they're dating? And if so, how did it go?

And I was also wondering how men here view the MB materials? Did you ever see it as a threat? Did you feel you would have to change too much of yourself - just by agreeing to go through it?

There is a book very similar to the MB philosophy called Getting The Love You Want by Harville Hendrix. I tried to go through this with my now ex-husband, and, although he took the book, he silently refused to read it.

Then, last week, I asked the man I've been dating for 6 months if he would be willing to go through some relationship material with me, and he said 'maybe', and then, last night, we broke up.

Going through this material is really important to me, and finding a man willing to live out these principles with me seems a challenge.

Does anyone have recommendations on when to introduce these ideas?

This is a really good question, and I can't give any great insight. But, I can share my own approach here.

First, I can totally identify with you ex-husband not reading the book you gave him. I did the same thing with my ex-wife years ago. Of course, I should have seen it as a cry for help for her to have the courage to come to me about improving our marriage, but us men like to bury our heads in the sand and can be really stubborn about it. The three deadly "D's" is how I reacted to my ex-wife's concerns, Dismiss, Deny, Defend. None of these show empathy for the other person's feelings and are huge lovebusters.

Don't know why your boyfriend would react so negatively, maybe he viewed it as moving too fast or getting too serious.

Anyway, here's my approach to living out MB principles in a non-threatening way. I have been seeing a wonderful lady for three or more months now and things couldn't be better.

Don't beat your partner over the head with it, instead just live the MB's principles out without them even realizing it. You know your own top EN's, and it is not too difficult to figure out your partner's as you get to know them. Do your best to meet theirs and gently steer your partner to meet yours. Make plenty of time for undivided attention, suggest activities that satisfy both of your needs for RC. If it is someone new, they will be very open to trying new things and doing activities you like.

Be totally open and honest with your partner from the start, and encourage them to do the same with positive reinforcement. "Thank you so much for sharing that part of yourself." "I feel closer to you now knowing that part of you."
Practice POJA as much as you can from your end.

The result can be a relationship built on MB principles from the start. If you find that some of the principles are difficult or your partner doesn't show a willingness to live them now, then force-feeding them the book isn't going to work, either. Good way to weed out people that aren't right for you.

Isabeau, Dr Harley recommends dating ALOT of people in order to find the best match.

Choosing the Right One to Marry

Thank you for responding and for sharing your insight about men.

Your suggestions are wonderful, and I'll take them into consideration in the future.

MelodyLane, thank you.

I have read the quote that you posted. The thought of dating that much kind of numbs my head.

I'm 43, I'm in school full time, and I have four children still at home. And I'm an introvert.

I've gone through the questionnaires myself, and I'm pretty confident that I've identified the order of my emotional needs.

If I were 20 years younger, and still in college, I think this would be good advice for me, but realistically, I don't see myself dating tons of men at this stage.

Wow! I agree with four kids, it would be hard to find time for any dating!

One of my coworkers was very successful in finding a good match on match.com. He was wasting alot of his time dating women with obvious knock out factors and going on a dating website eliminated that. He was able to specify what was important to him and get to know them a little before he went out with them.

He suddenly went from 90% dud dates to 90% great dates just by eliminating knock out factors and getting to know them a bit BEFORE having a first date. He was able to meet MANY women this way.

He met a nice woman and married her 4 years ago this way. They have a great marriage today.

I agree that dating a lot of men once we are in our 40s is not realistic. I didn't. I was 44 when I got divorced and remarried within a year....I had friends who knew me well who introduced me to my now husband. I think GOOD friends who really know you well can be helpful in that way. I wouldn't trust just any set up...but in my case it worked beautifully.

I can see the value in Dr. H's advice, but at my age, it falls into two improbable scenarios:

• Date 30-40 women simultaneously, or
• Date 30-40 women over the next 20 years or so.

Neither of those seems "doable."

So I've scaled it back a bit. Currently, I've started dating one woman, and there's another who I have yet to ask out, but have been speaking with frequently.

That's about all I can handle, to be honest.

Improbable? That's flat out crazy Fred!

It's crazy because it's just not do-able for me. I have neither the time nor the energy.

And I don't have the time to stretch it out over 20 years...

after 6 months, i have dated four, and dated means going on ONE date, to determine if in real life there is any chemistry or future interest. I am aiming for about 30 and i am over 50, I am not in a rush, and i seriously figure it will take at least 2-4 years to find the right person.

there are many who i find interesting on match, its just that they don't necessarily find me interesting. . . plus i may be moving more than 100 miles away within the next year, and most people over 50 don't want to move again. There are at least 5 more potentials on match currently to just get in the first date. .

I think everyone's idea of dating over 50 is the same as dating in college, or in high school . . . I don't think that is a good assumption or interpretation.

Now with marriage experience, and soul searching and relationship learning , within three dates, you should be able to determine if a highly potential date is worthy of a 3 month non exclusive dating exploration, then after 3 months, you should be able to determine if you can be exclusive.

That's the approximate timeline path of many to whom I have discussed. Many i have conversed with have decided on the second date that this will be a long term relationship. I knew that after the first date with one woman, she was a keeper for the three month trial period, though life circumstances were in the way. . . and she was my second out of 30, so i was totally NOT ready for that.

as one person said, its not the little butterflies people that you meet that you have to be careful with, its the people you meet who makes you nausous, who make you not sleep at night, and scare the crap out of you in a good way.

and if its hard, its worth it, and if its easy, its not worth it. . .

wiftty

I agree and he is sleeping in right now!

Hey, Wiftty long time "no see"! How have you been?