seriously? it's too much to ask to stop using FB to help save a family?? well, that's sad.

Are we talking about a work environment here? FB is looked down upon at many jobs because people should be using their office PCs for office work, not browsing FB.

It's looked down on in my industry (financial) for us to have on at all, even though FB is blocked from work, it's an avenue of communication that many employers don't like their employees to have. Just FYI.

I'm doing away with mine because of that and it bothers my husband.

Hi,

I can see the immediate change in my WW. Our mobile internet connection at home has been playing up since last weekend and packed up two days ago. She is now more her old self and is quite self critical over the affaiir.

This is to me clear proof that even the simple action of seeing one photograph of the AP on FB is enough to keep her emotionally in the affair.

As you can no doubt deduce, I am in no hurry to repair the internet connection. I am also beginning to wonder if the power failure we had last Saturday, after which GPRS modem ceased to work properly, was not indeed a godsend. Finding this site when I was in my darkest hour, has made me very conscious of God's existence. Three people, including my WW, have asked me recently if I have come into religion. My attitude towards things immoral has changed. Even though I probably sound as if I am now constantly preaching, nobody has critisized me for it.

Yesterday my WW saw that a young lady was driving the OM's van and called me to admit that this had upset her, that she still did not want to relinquish the idea that the OM belonged to her only. My WW has always felt a great sense of entitlement. This has always been my source of discontent.

At present, I want my wife, the way she can be. I will not settle for an inferior and immoral copy. If this needs to go to a divorce hearing, so be it. I know that the bar needs to be extremely high for both of us. We both have so much unrealised potential within us, that anything less would be a waste.

Best regards,
Schooner

Very profound!. Thanks Schooner. It's not just the Wayward but also the Betrayed.

Hi,

Thanks for the words of support. At the moment I am getting a lot of talk from WW about how sincere her love was for the AP. I know it is fogtalk, but it is really getting on my nerves.

Does anybody have any good putdowns that are not major LB's.

The OM has not contacted my WW for over 3 months and still she can't get over her infatuation - or at least doesn't want to.

My sole intentions are to not finalise the divorce, but unless I see marked changes in her behaviour and willingness to work on our marriage, the outcome will be divorce. I still have about 2� months to plan A, and she really does not want to leave our marriage. I, on the other hand, will not continue in a marriage that is disrepectful to either of us.

Anyhow, I'd appreciate a few bits of advice - even light-hearted comments would be welcome!

Best regards,
Schooner

Seriously?

less is more

nothing you can say that will help your situation or WW

that is why bashing the om will accomplish nothing

longer the affair the longer the withdrawal

Hi again,

It's incredible how much of a difference no contact makes. We have not had internet at home now for a week. The mobile network modem is now repaired and I need to pick it up tomorrow.

Today I will set up Windows to block Facebook entirely. One week of WW not seeing the OM's photo, and she is really coming out of the fog. In other words, during the past 2� months, even though there was no contact on his side, it was enough that she simply view one photo, to keep her emotionally in the affair.

The MB technique works - it's spot on.

Now to maintain NC until the fog has dissipated completely.

Thanks once again for all the support!

Best regards,
Schooner

I love the idea that you have come closer to God. He uses our infirmities to remind us how humble we are.

Do not neglect him should your marriage situation improve.

God willing, your wife needs meet him in order to remove her entitlement problem.

Pray for her. (Don't stop either)

Hi,

I have blocked facebook from both the computer my WW uses as well as my daughter�s. This has caused an expected uproar. You are all so right � my WW will not cease to view the AP�s picture, of her own accord. I stand firm by my decision and will not yield to her pressure � if she wants to have a sniff of her crack, well the public library can provide that.

It is unfortunate that she has a close friend whose BH has enabled her own affair, and this causes a lot of conflict.

At present I have nothing left to lose � my WW feels she has a right to breach the NC, and I am doing my best to enforce it, until divorce do us part, if need be.

Best regards,
Schooner

Makes sense, no FB.

Hi,

Here's a new twist. On Friday my WW went out with a young female friend. She met up with the AP's best friend who informed her that the OM has a new steady girlfriend.

Yesterday she confirmed this on facebook. For the hundreth time during the last year, she says that now the affair is over.

I had sent a couple of derogatory messages a week ago,in my WW's name via FB to the OM and to this best friend, hoping to aggravate them into blocking my WW completely. On Friday, this friend showed my WW his message. I must admit that it is a despicable thing to do, and is a case of stolen identity, but I was so sick of her continuing the affair by constantly viewing his photo (by the way, I had to reinstate FB on Saturday). We had a major blowup yesterday about my impersonation, and I reconciled by sending a text message of apology to the OM for this.

Now my WW feels that we have all made peace and that we can close this issue. I, on the other hand, feel I have sold myself, but we now have peace.

I really don't know what I should feel at this point, on the one hand I guess it's really over between them, but on the other hand, she still professes to have a lot of love for him.

Anyway, tomorrow I dicuss the dividing of assets with my lawyer. I just don't know if any good is going to come out of this mess.

Best regards,
Schooner

Wishing you the best schooner, but seriously, WHY did you apologize at all to the OM?

That's like doing this:

"Dear bank robber,
Thank you for not being angry for me trying to secretly alert the authorities of your intent to rob our bank again. It was hard getting things back after you stole so much from us, but I'm sorry I was snooping.

Feel free to rob at will.

Sincerely,
Bank Manager"

That's what it's like. Never apologize to the OM. They steal families and trust and break apart a home. And an apology to a man who has cheated with your W is admission of possible weakness, and the AP's always sniff out for weakness in the spouse of their prey (the married men and women).

Hi, and thanks for the comment.

I share this same attitude, and yet I feel that what I did was necessary to make peace with my WW. The apology was more for her that I had impersonated her - she needed closure on that.

The situation has taken a comical turn. Now that the OM is in a steady relationship with another woman, he is scared that I will reveal the details of his affair with my WW to his new girlfriend. My "apology" to him served to acutely remind him of how much I can influence his new relationship.

Now that the OM is definetely in a serious relationship, my WW realises that it is really over - on top of it all, the OM was already starting his current relationship, while servicing my WW at the same time. Suddenly the talk of "eternal love" for the OM, isn't sounding so attractive any more.

I really feel it is time to go into recovery. She realises that a divorce will leave her with absolutely nothing.

Out of the blue, I was offered a chance at new employment in our previous hometown, one in which my wife has a better chance of being employed herself. This means starting afresh, without the risk of her bumping into the OM. All in all, it really does seem as though the dark clouds are beginning to clear.

I know that she is still in a sense in a state of withdrawal, even though is is almost four months since she last saw the OM, with no contact from his side since. She, on the other hand, has periodically sent him messages via FB, the last of which was two weeks ago, in which she said that the letter of NC was sent under duress.

I do not trust her yet, but realise that now is the time to work on our marriage. Do I need her to resend the letter of NC?

Best regards,
Schooner

Schooner,


You have to decide whether you are divorcing or giving your marriage another chance. If you are seriously thinking of recovering your marriage, then you have to stop talking and thinking about divorce.

I would not worry about NC letter anymore. You both have stated to OM that he must stay away, it is your W who is not respecting that! It seems to me that you have no plan, or giving her taste of divorce, may be that is your plan, go figure. To move away and start over is a good idea, but you have to have a plan, because your W moves along and FB moves along... and your W is still very wayward. Or she stays behind.

Maybe the line "We can start over under certain conditions only..", would be a good start of building some kind of plan first of all and give you the idea whether to proceed with divorce or not.

I would take the chance of new employment especially if it benefits you and your children. Let your wife know of the move , during the conversation drop in that you will be making arrangements to move the children with you. Do not mention that your wife comes with you, if she asks be clear and remind her of the marital boundaries, only if she is fully committed to you and the family in words, actions, deeds and shows remorse for her affair does she join you.

Hi,

At present we are continuing with our lives - no new job, no move to a new location. The OM has found himself a new woman to focus on, this time 7 years younger than him, and is apparently very much "in love" with her.

My WW is still upset that she failed in her endeavour to capture her OM (in her words) and is now resigned to living without him. I showed her yesterday what he had written on his girlfriend's FB wall, and the mushy words seem to have the desired effect of turning her feelings against him. Still - she blames me for ending it for her.

Unfortunately she is as self-centred as ever. Although my sincerest wish is that she ceases to behave that way, I don't see much chance of that happening in the near future.

If I could see just a glimmer of the person I know she is harbouring inside, that would give me some much needed incentive - the other day while I was stroking her hand, I could almost feel her fingers move in response - but it was just a single movement to probably ease a cramp.

Is this normal that a WW remains absolutely emotionless for this long (18 weeks since last seeing him)? She has on a few occasions said that she regretted sending him the last couple of messages this year (seeing as how the OM was probably deep in his present relationship at the same time).

She has now apparently spent three! days without viewing his photo on FB.

One thing I have noticed is that every time I write something here, the situation appears to get better - small, but noticeable things - so I'm hoping this brings some good news for a change.

Best regards,
Schooner

I can't offer you any advice about recovery, but I can tell you that if your WW looked at a pic of OM, as little as 3 days ago, you have your answer. That is still considered contact and will set the clock back to zero every time.

Schooner, from what I've read, the "fog" takes anywhere from six months to two years to lift entirely. 18 weeks is a relatively short period of time in this context.

Also, keep in mind that ANY breach of No Contact resets the counter back to zero. By your own words, that means your WW is at "Day Three."

Hang in there, Schooner. This is a marathon, not a sprint!