Oh, Scotty, thanks for this comforting post. You've nailed a lot of what I'm feeling and you haven't made me feel bad for feeling it. Knowing that you've gone through it, too, and come through it is enormously helpful.

I do check my email obsessively, hoping he'll email. I run to the phone like a teenager, hoping that it is him and hoping that it isn't, too. And I run to the door, like a dog, to look out if I hear a car door slam. It just might be him!

I desperately wanted to call WH tonight, to talk to him about our DD. I just kept reminding myself that he left all of us and hasn't tried very often to be in touch with any of his children. If he wanted to know what is happening in our lives, he would make more of an effort to know what is happening with us.

But I missed him. He, too, was my rock. I wish I could count on him again, but that doesn't seem to ever be likely.

Thank goodness for the doubled AD's--I'd be a soggy mass of tears if not for them.

I'm staying strong. Just aching about the whole damn mess.

You are welcome. While it is normal to have these feelings and thoughts, it is also something you must actively try to get rid of to let yourself recover. It is still so new for you and I wouldn't tell you that these feelings are wrong. If you are still doing this in a couple of months, I would suggest that you do something to get unstuck. See, you can get stuck in the quicksand, or you can take the hand that is reaching down helping you up. I have a feeling that you WILL NOT let yourself get stuck.

Not calling your WH when you were hurting was GREAT. It was PROGRESS. Even if it is a small amount at a time, moving forward can never be wrong. Sometimes, you will make a tiny step, and sometimes you will take a giant leap. Just stay focused on your plan and what you are supposed to be doing.

Recovery is a marathon. Right now, you are on the path to personal recovery. There have been MANY who have travelled the path we are now taking. There may be many behind us. Let's do them all proud and keep moving in the right direction.

Very well said!

Okay, I'll watch out for getting stuck. I don't want that, at all. I want to get to a place where I can breathe and live without thinking of him every moment of my day. I can already see progress, aside from yesterday's very bad day.

I ached last night, wanting so much to call, but reminding myself that he's NOT my H, but my WH, did a lot to quiet the urge. That is great progress for me.

I agree with Cabbages--well-stated, Scotty! I'm moving forward and getting on with my personal recovery. I'm a valuable person and I deserve better than the treatment I've gotten. I need to move on.

H&G:

Ok, I get it. You spiked your earlier thread....

I recommend that you find out what the most important days are in the next six months.

WH Birthday.
OW' DD13/4 Birthday.
Anniversaries
Any other dates that are important.

And plan to make sure that certain filings are deleivered that day.

You have been told that MUCH of the divorce process is a physcological process, and if you mess with the head, it works for you. You can rise above all that, if you want. If not, you might as weel have fun. WH is employing these tactics, so do not be afraid to respond in kind.

Have your attorney draw up a response, stipulating to the casue of the seperation, detailing WHAT HE WILL HAVE TO PAY YOU, have the OW served to testify to her actions, and have these served on some of the above days.

Make sure they have as much fun as you had.

Scotty has taken the route of waiting her WH out. And thats cool. She made that choice, difficult as it is, but she arrived at that choice after much thought.

You are earlier into this than Scotty is, and you can make some decisions as well. You can wait and respond to what your WH does, or you can become much more proactive about it.

Your WH has filed. Not a complete filing, but just a start of the process. It seems that you have responded to that, which no matter what, you should always do... PRotect yourself. HE filed the "bare bones" not to END the relationship, but to prove to OW, and to his own PEA-adddled brain that he is allowed to BE WITH HER becasue this "paperwork" is filed.

If he does nothing else, than, he is just cake eating. And you can drag this out long term. OW will keep asking what the status is, and if it isn't moving, then that is a LB'er to her.

Or, you get proactive and hit him between the eyes and hope that it wakes him up, to what he is losing.

Sorry you have to be here. But the support is tremendous. We understand what you are going thru, and help you to survive.

LG

I really didn't think XWH would ever come over to the house, and he didn't - he likes to have people come crawling to him begging for attention. (If he had come over, I would immediately have left. And/or called the cops). I did not and still don't know where he lives, so no problem there.

I shut off the ringers on all the phones. If I needed somebody to call me, I arranged that ahead of time. I blocked my e-mail to the hilts.

That way, I never spent any time hoping for an e-mail or listening for the phone to ring. I went through enough of that kind of torment while we were married, when he would just ignore me and shut off his phone while he was at work or on the road.

Don't put yourself through that kind of daily suffering. Let your IM handle the communication. Take control of this wretched situation by shutting him OFF. If he really wants to get hold of you because he wants to restore the marriage, believe me, he will.

Hi Hope

Thought I weould pop into say hello and see how your Plan B is going. By all accounts it looks like you are doing good girl. I always find the first week or so a relief of them being out of your hair, and then after that it starts to get tougher.

The only thing that concerns me about your thread, which could just because you have a lot going on, is what are you doing for you. I know I beat on about this a lot, and I know when your in it its easier said than done, but please Plan A yourself in someway. It will just enable you to deal with things so much better. Let me know on this ok? It would be good to hear some treats you have lined up.

Are you sleeping better?

Harmony.

All of those dates that I know about (WH's BD, OW's D's BD) happened last fall. I know of no other important dates, except for the "vacation" they took together in June.

My attorney and I are working on this. He's a little surprised that I want to drag it out, but has agreed to follow my wishes.

What do you think would be proactive to do? I'm a little constrained by time lines (must file answer and counter-complaint by the end of the month, etc.). What is a more proactive approach to take? Counter-complaint will cite adultery. I'm going after child support first thing. We're asking either for legal separation or divorce. Everything is in my control, but I don't want to do it. However, I have to act because of the action he took.

Thanks, LG. The support IS tremendous. I haven't spoken to him in nine days which, as everyone who has kept up with me knows, is a huge step forward. I can't even bring myself to do it. I've explained to DS why I won't be at bowling or anywhere else that I could expect to run into his dad. He's supportive and understands what and why I'm doing this.

Mulan, do you have children with your XWH? It makes it extraordinarily difficult to maintain a dark Plan B. I'm patching holes in my plan left and right and sometimes I still forget that I should tell my IM to do the contacting. Most of this is the habit of 32 years of marriage, but NOT TO FEAR everyone--I'm getting past that. I really don't care to speak to him at all.

Harmony! I was afraid you'd given up MB and was sad to think you had. Glad you're back and that you had a great vacation.

I'm making plans to do some things for me. I'll be traveling during our spring break. I'll either go to see my sister or go to Chicago with my daughters. My DS is happy about this as long as he gets to stay with his grandparents and not WH. Next summer, I'm planning to go to Florida (maybe all the way to Key West!). I'll start out by seeing my brother who lives in north Florida, but I'll have to drive past her town to get to him. I may take the long way across the panhandle to get to him so that I'm not tempted to stop off and make national headlines. DS will be with me during the Florida trip and I'd like to get my older DS to go with us.

So, sweet Harmony, see--I am making plans. Too bad having a full time job takes up so much of my time.

Oh, I'm not sleeping so well, but I have my sleeping pills, so I can always get to sleep. Sometimes, though, I'm up at 3 and can't get back to sleep. It's getting better, though.

I just want to clarify something. I didn't choose to wait out my WH, I chose MB all the way.

Excellent Ms. Scotty.

HG, I was fortunate in that both of the kids are adults - youngest was 20 when XWH walked out. But you can certainly use an IM for younger kids - folks here do it all the time. The only IM I ever used was my attorney.

I didn't feel that you've chosen to wait it out either, Scotty. However, you're most fortunate that your WH hasn't file for divorce. (small blessing, I know.) My WH's decision to file after only 3 months of separation has rocked my world. And now I'm forced to answer his divorce complaint and file a counter-complaint. All steps down a road I never wanted to travel.

I see, Mulan. My attorney is doing a lot of this--sorta wish I could discuss or post the counter-complaint we're filing. For the rest of the things that come up, I'm using my ILs. They like me and hate what he's doing.

It is true that my WH didn't file for a D, yet. He could at any time. And when he does, as long as everything is agreed upon, we would be divorced in 31 days. I am prepared for it both emotionally and legally, as I should be. I don't think about why he hasn't filed yet. I do believe it is just laziness on his part. He hasn't even changed his address on anything yet and he's been gone 13 months. I don't forward his mail anymore. I used to send it to the IMs. Now, it is RTS.

Legally, you need to take care of yourself and your child. Emotionally, you aren't ready for this, and that is going to take time. That is where I am "lucky" I guess. I have been given the time to deal with the possibility, although I know that if/when that time comes, I will be a wreck.

Take care.

Scotty:

"Waiting it out" was my shorthand... It IS MB.

I was trying to point out how H& G controls this process. Not the WH. And she can choose to be aggressive, (filing, etc) or to just wait. You are waiting, yes, but you are in the dark, aware of your legal options, and in control of your sitch. It didn't happe in 24 hours, it took some time for you to get there. (And you still slip...) But you are doing well.

I wanted H&G to not waffle. To plan B or D? Well, if the other party files you have to do what you ned to do... If the other party does nothing, then you do some other things...

Your stance is proactive. Its a different kind of proactive than H&G, but it is still proactive. And in any case, being proactive is the important part....

H&G should be firm in her Plan B, and make sure she is protected in Plan D.

In H&G's case, I see a WH who is in full realization of how bad off track he is. If H&G hits him with all the legal stuff, and what he is going to lose, I think his inner "good man' surfaces, and he wants to go right. I could be wrong. He is wayward....

If I didn't think there was hope for this M, I would be gone. I could be wrong, like I said, he is wayward, and made his choices. And he may continue to make these same choices. I believe that he is conflicted. And that is H&C only chance.

LG

P.S. Scotty and H&G:

Don't buy any lottery tickets, unless you are ready to split the pot...

LG

He will attempt to break Plan B when he sees the hammer you bring down on him. He won�t be able to believe that you�re coming at him guns blazing, are trying to fleece him financially, and are filing on grounds of adultery.

He�ll be very surprised that you�re being so bold when you�ve been so mild so far. I tell you this because there was shock when I finally grew a set and started fighting back.

Stick to your Plan B. Stay dark. Don�t let him break your resolve.

I wish I felt he was conflicted. I'd like to believe that but he is so deep in the fog of the affair that I don't know if he'll ever come out of it. But still I hope. I do think that the condemnation of his children combined with my dark Plan B will begin to eat at him. And I think that is my best hope for recovery.