I understand the only way to earn back my self respect is to take it back myself. I think my family views my calling OW as a way to verbalize it, that I am through with H beside the fact that he would be all hers. I guess their view is that I would be telling her that I am taking my self respect back and that if she wants what's left over, she's welcome to it. I dunno. I can see the reasoning for they're saying what they are saying, but then from my perspective, I don't really see the point of calling OW.

Bad idea.
NOT part of your Plan B.

Earn your self respect by sticking to your Plan B.

Went to see my lawyer today to talk about filing for separation. By anyone's past experience, has it been difficult to communicate with WS through the IM? For things like bills, incidentals, etc? Just wondering what other experiences MB-ers had.

Withdrawal sucks!

Since you have a lawyer, I would say let him/her take care of it. I know that when I wrote out my Plan B letter, I added an addendum to explain visitations and finances. So far, my WH has complied with it. Whenever there has been a change, a message was sent through the IMs with the same results. Try to use the IMs as little as possible. Even that contact can be too much at times. So try to get everything that you can think of done now.

And you're right, withdrawal DOES suck. Imagine being in the drama instead. I know which one I would take.

I might have to file for bankruptcy because I can't go out and find a place to live while I'm tied to a mortgage on a house that is way underwater. Getting the lawyer is taking just about all the money I have saved up and I'm living in a spare bedroom right now with a larger one opening up and it would be so nice if I could take that! I would be living with rommates to share costs (and thus save money).

A family member suggested that I give WH two months notice to find a roommate before I'll have to defer payments on the house (possibly even file for bankruptcy). Of course, I must discuss this strategy with my lawyer first. I feel like such an evil person but I know I must take care of myself. I've always done things in a way to try to please everyone and it sucks to think that this will make not only WH hate me, but also his family, with whom I've always been close!

Day 3 of Plan B. No contact with WH, haven't needed to use IM yet, but I'm still figuring that one out. Lawyer will serve as one IM but I don't want to use him for everything, because that costs money. However, my goal is to do what Scotland said, and use IM's as little as possible and whenever necessary, get large chunks of things taken care of.

I have not heard a peep out of WH or his family. Part of me thinks its a little strange, but then again WH may be just as done with me as I am with him? Part of me wonders if he also does not take my leaving seriously? Or he's making his own plan of attack. Who knows? I try not to worry about that too much and just focus on myself.

Typical early Plan B brain farts.
The BS does a lot of
wondering & projecting

Plan B is YOU taking care of your own business.

You'll soon let go of most of the "What if" senarios in your over-active mind, and just relax.

Do you know the Serenity Prayer?




Say it every time you have a wondering/projecting/what-if thought that just won't go away.

Keep saying the prayer until your mind is clear of what you cannot change.

Thanks Pepperband. I do know the serenity prayer and will keep that in mind to fend off other potential Plan B brain farts ;D

I'll also keep in mind the what you said in the rest of the message - my mind is definitely in overdrive!

I recommend physical activity.
A lot of it.
Power walking is always available in safe neighborhoods.

ADDED:
Loud singing is also good for the mind over-drive.

Valerie~

Here is today's affirmation sent to me from an email bereavement support I signed up for after Dad died in September.



Daily affirmations has occasionally been EGG-ZAK-LEE what I needed, that very moment.

I hope you find some grief support site that sends you a daily email.

You never know ... It couldn't hurt.

Valeriean,

I'm Day 2 in Plan B. I also just did exposure. It's pretty quiet from H.

He emailed yesterday asking me for Dr Hartley's number and I said thanks for calling. He responded that he needed to call him and that he was on the wrong path. Not reading anything into it. He's lied to me so many times that it's second nature.

He came to the house last night to pick up some stuff for my daughter and I wasn't home. That was hard - I really wanted to see him and her especially but I just couldn't be here.

I agree with everyone else. Trying to stay busy - walking, swimming, going to gym. My nervous energy won't let me sit still anyway. And I wholeheartedly agree with Pepperband - singing out loud works amazingly! I'm singing in the shower, while I'm getting ready, in the car. All of that keeps my mind off things.

Hi Fuzzy-

I understand how hard it is and I'm sure you'll do a better job at Plan B than I did my first time around (currently in my 2nd Plan B). I went running back as soon as H started to intensify his affections for me.

Actually, while I am Plan B (take two) I'm still 99% sure my marriage is over. Over the last 16 months, WH continued affair, broke it off, continued, initiated several FR's with me, broke NC again this past fall, etc. Despite my efforts, I suppose I've had a solid 12 months to mourn the death of my marriage. Its been a painful process because I have refused to give up but I think its time, and I am in a place now to accept that.

I truly hope your H realizes the errors of his ways. I still believe anything is possible. In the mean time, take care of yourself. I'm having to learn how to do that all over again. I used to be so independent. What happened to her??

Stay strong!!!

I also believe anything is possible. After all this, I have faith that my H will snap out of it. I have a hard time thinking that the man I married, the man I love so much will never come back to me. I never thought our relationship was so terrible. Maybe I'm delusional. My T seems to think I should cut my losses and file D. I just can't give up.

I already did one FR and made every mistake. I will not go through that again. I'm serious this time. He's going to have really make some changes to come back home. I have hope but I am trying to get more comfortable with D. My mom says, one step at a time.

Peace.

Definitely don't give up if you're not ready! Its tough and sometimes you wonder how much more of this you can take but then you'll always wonder and that's no fun!

Oh jeez, I don't think H has told anybody, not even his family that I've left?! I just got an email from his mother asking how I've been since she hasn't heard from me lately? Either that, or she does know that I've left and is reaching out because I've always responded to her in the past. She and H work closely together on things like this sometimes.

Just makes me feel badly because I love his family and I'm about to walk away from everything (even the house) because WH won't stop his wayward ways or even work on the M!

Are you planning to respond to her?

May I suggest, if you do respond, you use as few words as possible and stick to the FACTS only.
No emotional content other than something like:

"It saddens me to say that I have moved out in order to protect myself from WH's drinking, lies, and adultery. I am doing fine."

It's OK to be terse with relatives when in Plan B. In fact, I think it is vital to be terse. Brief and factual.

I hope this helps.

Thanks. I'm thinking right now that its probably wise for me to not respond but I will definitely take your suggestion into consideration. I feel that right now, any communication with his family just saps my strength for doing what I need to do (such as sticking with plan B).

I totally agree with leaving the emotional stuff out (other than what you suggested) because I want so badly to pour my heart out to her (we are very close but she's still his mother) and my best protection right now is to remain silent. I will keep you posted of any changes, however. I have to stop by the house this afternoon before H gets home to collect some clothes - and I miss my cat!

I agree it is not necessary to respond.


GOOD FOR YOU !

you did the right thing not to respond. They will lead you on with more emails and then you will start sounding revengeful to them (the IL, I mean)
I am sure that for as much as you MIL likes you she will still try to protect her son.
When I told my MIL the facts her response was: the A is not important, certainly he make a poor choice picking the downstairs neighbor, however I want to know what drove my son to do what he did....
After such comment i realized I could never speak to her again.
Blessing

I have begun moving my things out of our house and into an apartment with two other friends (girls). The big move is taking place this Saturday but I want to start moving as much of the little stuff as I can. I make sure to go when I know H is still at work.

Last Friday, I left H a note at the house to say that at the end of the separation period, I would be filing for divorce, and that I suggested he find a roommate to help pay the mortgage.

Anyways, I was doing some filing and noticed some of our files missing. The cable bill file, power bill file, and H's retirement files - there may be a few more I'm not remembering. I need access to the files with the bills, because they are in my name and I want to transfer the account into his name. Or, I cancel the account and then he just re-opens. I'm thinking his retirement files are gone because he doesn't want me going after his money or something. I could really care less about getting any of his money. I just want a clean break. I still think its fishy though.

Otherwise, there has been no communication between us, which is good. I do wonder what he's up to from time to time, but I don't bother with it too much. Right now, its almost like he doesn't exist to me. Like I'm waking up from a nightmare (that lasted at least 16 months). I guess that'll do for now. Whatever gets me through the day