My doctor asked if it would have made a difference if the affair was with a man. For me, I would rather have know it to be a man. If it is a man, I know the failure rate of having an affair and would be confident to end it and rebuild with the emotional support she is seeking. With a woman, there is that unknown that, if a lesbian, I could never give her the emotional or physical support she is seeking.

What gives me confidence is the statistics of great failure for relationships that begin as affairs. Also Dr. Harley's stats that lesbian relationships last half as long as gay relationships that last half as long as hetero relationships.

Although the emails that were written show how much in love she is with this woman, I also have the feeling that wife is being very cautious and maybe not exposing her second thoughts on if she can live her life this way. The OW sent her an email in September that provided a time line when different actions were going to take place. in this time line, w was to leave me in November. my wife replied that although she appreciated the thoughts, she was not comfortable with the timing and thought this was all to fast. to my therapist, it was like the OW has already left her H and come out of the closet to her family. she is half way there. she is putting pressure and manipulating my wife to follow her lead which my w is hesitant to do.

this only gives me hope. hope that she does have second thoughts. hope that even though this experience was full of life and exciting, it is a life she is not willing to live in the public eye nor is she willing to destroy our family and her family for it.

if this is the case, i will do whatever it takes to be the emotional shoulder for her and heal our m.

I completely agree with you, clark, in regards to breaking the vows. When my wife first dropped the bomb a month ago, I wrote her a long very thought out letter to express my love for her and the fact that I was going to fight. I even wrote out the vows that I read to her on our wedding day. I told her that I believed in those vows. I had made her a promise that I intended to honor.

Regardless of the sexual orientation taking place, the vows she agreed to with me have still been broken.

Sparks,

Let's look at the data please. If your W was a died in the wool lesbian, she would not have dated you. She would not have married you. And she would not be reticent about leaving you.

Does have attraction to women as well as men? Apparently so.

You MUST expose this affair. You must confront your W. You must do all you can to end this affair. I am also betting that OW's husband does not know she is a lesbian. Liars lie Sparks. OW is a liar, so is your W.

Shining the light of truth on this affair puts pressure on the lies and makes it very hard for them to keep the lies straight.

Do you know the biggest lie? That those two will be happy with each other. That is the biggest lie. Their relationship started out with lying and cheating, and it doesn't make any difference if it is same sex, or hetrosexual, relationships that start out with lying and cheating end that way.

You are doing your W a favor, by exposing. Even if she is a full blown lesbian, she is the mother of your son, and you would want her in a happy stable relationship, not the one that is going right now with her OW.

Time to step up Sparks. I know this is tough, but all of the advice you have been getting points in one direction...FIGHT FOR YOUR MARRIAGE AND FAMILY. Don't fight with one hand behind your back.

God Bless,

JL

Thanks, JL. I truly appreciate your comments. You are exactly right.

The data shows that relationships that begin as affairs have very little chance to survive. Melody also showed Dr. Harley's data that showed lesbian relationships have half the chance to survive then gay relationships that have half the chance as heterosexual relationships. when you add up that data, it is very hard to ignore. She may think she is in love now, but I know that her and the OW have discussed what would happen if it didn't work between them. In the OW time line, she mentioned separating from me with the idea that it could be saved just in case their living together did not work and they broke up. She actually planned an out for my W just in case.

I really do think my wife, as in love with OW as she is, has a ton of conflict inside. I can only hope that my giving her a chance to get out with a chance for reconciliation will be positive for her. Scares the $hit out of me, though. I just need to man up for the sake of her and my infant son.

Infant son, right. Two words that should be enough to change you from a coward to a lion.

Do you job. Protect your son. Its hard wired into your DNA if you look for it.

Ok. Enough of this "relationship is different b/c she's a lez" talk...let's change this whole dynamic now.

An addiction is an addiction. Some fall in love with a bottle of alcohol don't they?

From now on, let's call the AP here the OP. The Other Person. Who cares what sex she is. All I know is the OP in this case GREW A PAIR and you need to stand up to the OP.

Your ww is probably being emotionally torn up and manipulated too by this OP, who has risked all they had and given up alot (their M) to try to get her, so OP has nothing to lose.

YOU do. Your little son has alot to loose and I would be afraid having him grow up around such an unstable environment if you were to D having him around your ww and the OP.

Protect your son, fight for your M. And gloves off. the OP imho, is NO lady. Fight like a man. The OP apparently will too.

Expose. WWII style. Scorched earth.

Mel hasn't gone Earp on you, but I just did

It looks like you think you can fix this without exposure. Put that idea out of your head. YOU MUST EXPOSE. If you don't expose, the best you can expect is that is affair goes into temporary remission and then she either restarts it or starts up with someone else. Exposure allows her to feel the full effects of the affair so that she will never again go down that path.

Think about if she was playing with the stove. You can tell her she might get burned and she might listen for a while. But if she burns her hand and lives with the scars for the rest of her life, she won't ever think of playing around the stove again. That what exposure does. It leaves permanent changes in her brain so that she will never again consider having an affair.

Exposure is your only chance to save your marriage. Negotiating with her to stop will only give you the possibility that she takes a short break from having an affair.

Melody - I have read that if she were to continue to walk out the door after confronting her and exposure, that I should do the steps above for the Plan A approach.

The financial aspect will be easy. I am the sole bread winner in the family, as she has not returned to work since having our baby. I could very easily move all of my finances to another account that I have in my name. (OW time line email shows tons of considerations they are having to get enough money to live on. This includes money from her ex-husband as well as me once my wife leaves me). I do not think they would be able to make it without me. If OW ex greets the exposure poorly, he may not contribute either, although he seems to be very easy going about the separation with OW.

My main question involves my baby. Since my wife is nursing, she has been the primary care giver for our baby. I help around the house, watch the baby, play with the baby, change diapers, and even babysit on my own while W is away. I will, however, be unable to nurse for obvious reasons. This will be a big point with her. Do I tell her that I will not let this baby be apart of your affair and will take care of him all ways possible (begin using formula)? How do I verbally and physically prevent my wife from taking our 5 month old with her is she leaves. I can see this causing a HUGE escalation. You know how a mother feels about leaving their baby. This is especially true with her first newborn.

Melody - Are you a mother? Any other mothers out there that could help here?

Thanks, Vity. I do believe in exposure now, but now I am confused. I was given the advice that I confront and demand an end to A and have her send NC letter. If this works, continue on plan A. If she walks, exposure goes out.

Am I missing something? If she is apologetic and agrees to end A and send NC letter, do I send exposure immediately anyway?

I am a mom.And....I breastfed all of my kids.

Yes, breast is best but don't let that be the total power point for your WW. She is not the sole parent, making the sole health decisions. She should have considered the child's best interests from the start but alas, has not. That is a given with waywards.They don't get the vulnerable position they put their children in. They don't.

Make an appointment with your pediatrician and discuss the possible need to transition to formula. How to do it properly as a dedicated parent.

Matter of fact, make sure to attend the future doctors appointments to become knowledgable about your child's vaccines, tests, development. It could be a cool part of your plan A too.

At five months, many parents are planning on introducing solids soon. Some do it at six months, some wait til ten months. Be part of the decision making team on this. Learn all you can.

At one year, many parents introduce cow milk and wean away from breast milk and formula. Again, find out more from the doctor.

Fact find since this is a big issue in your life.

Sparks,

If you confront her and the affair ends and includes a NC letter, the only person I would expose to is OW's husband. he needs to know what has been going on. IF he does, then no problem if he doesn't then he becomes an ally in keeping the two of them apart.

Make no mistake your W is addicted to the high of this affair and she will go through a strong withdrawal.

As for the child, you have every right to that child. And the recommendation that you go to the pediatrician with her is a great one.

I will tell you that many children were reared on cows milk or soy milk from the age your child is and have managed (sarcasism here) to reach an old enough age to threaten to bankrupt social security. If anyone really knew about rearing children in the "perfect environment" the child rearing books wouldn't be changing their story every decade as they have. And the changes oscillate back and forth, repeating what was thought good and then changing their minds.

Follow the advice to be very active in your childs medical care.

Hope this helps.

JL

Thanks, Reading. My son is 5 months and wife is currently breastfeeding. We introduced solids about a month ago and feed him these solids once an evening. There were considerations of us going to formula at month 6. (OW time line suggested W breastfeed longer in case they have problems getting by for a bit.)

I have attended every doctor appointment during my W's pregnancy and all of my sons monthly appointments. W has been very open to the care of my S, and I have been hugely excited to be a part. This has never been a problem, and I hope it continues.

My fear is the future night that may happen where she wants to escape to OW's place with the baby. How do I put my foot down and say that our S will not be a part of your affair. I have no legal way to stop that unless we go to D. How would she respond? I would have no way to feed our baby unless I ran to the store immediately and bought formula, but I know that couldn't be good, and there is no way my wife would agree to do that.

I understand how easier it would be if my S was six years old, and I told her to leave our house but S is staying with me. Baby makes things a bit different?

My fear is the future night that may happen where she wants to escape to OW's place with the baby.

Well, in your case, given your belief that WW is as irrational and reckless as that, a fully accomplished exposure would include simultaneously hitting her with a previously prepared court-order prohibiting removing the child from your joint care and control. We don't know in what legal jurisdiction you're in, so you'll need legal advice to put this in place.

NB: There may be some Texans along soon providing alternative methods of handling this, but you didn't say you were equipped with firearms, so it might not apply. For now, stick to using Lawyers.

sparks, I would not let her take your baby from his home. Tell her she can take the baby with a court order and a sheriff with a big gun. She is not the only parent of that child and it is not in his best interest to be dragged out of his home so his mother can conduct an affair. If it is that important for her to breastfeed, then she can stay home and do that. If she wants to leave, then you can feed the baby some Similac. My son was not breastfed and he is now a big strapping 6'4" man.

Secondly, if she agrees to end all contact, I would expose the affair to the OW's husband, your parents and her parents. These are all people who can support your marriage and help hold your wife accountable.

Agree with Neverguessed about getting a court order if she tries to take the child. If she takes the child you should be able to get a court order to get him back the next day.

sparks, I agree with you that formula isn't as good as breastfeeding, but it's not near as bad as living and growing up in a crazy affair situation. My wife wanted to breastfeed our babies and couldn't, and none of them ever died from formula, and today they are brilliant and adorable children if I do say so myself. I even had to make an emergency trip to the store for formula in the middle of the night a few times.

If you need to divorce or make some other legal arrangements to protect your child, there will be time to do that. For now slow down and get your plan together so you can think things through rationally instead of charging in on emotion.

I'm a mother. Times Five.

I breastfed all of my children. I weaned one of them at 10 months because she was having some issues. All of the others were nursed for 12-15 months.

I believe strongly in the importance of breastfeeding. However, I also believe in the importance of protecting babies from crazy situations.

Many, many studies show that some of the most important benefits of breastfeeding happen during the first 3 months of a baby's life. Continuing to breastfeed after that is still highly beneficial and all that, but it's not as important as those crucial first months.

If I were you, I'd march myself down to the store and get supplies to begin bottle-feeding. For now, get a few bottles of ready-made formula to have on hand if you are keeping the baby while your wife goes out shopping or something. If the baby is weaned prior to 12 months, it's cheaper to use instant formula. The instant stuff deteriorates if it's open too long so don't start using that until the baby is weaned.

Something else you can look into is a milk bank. Some women who have an abundance of breast milk pump and freeze to donate the milk to babies who cannot be breastfed.

Fwiw, I took the natural route with my son for 3 months and my ds did great with the formula.

My bil is a surgeon and my sister NEVER breast fed her kids and he said it was fine b/c all of the formulas are 100 percent nutrient filled. My neice and newphew are brilliant and gorgeous. My son is also. They seemed to have no problem in life after their beginnings.

This is not about breastfeeding. It's about saving your ds from a life of sleazy behavior and jumping from relationship to relationship (your ww). It's about keeping your ds in a STABLE relationship with a parent (hopefully both, if she changes her ways)and having a harmonious family life.

Studies have shown that these types of affairs do not last and harley is right. Lesbian affairs don't last that long usually.

Expose. Go nuclear and don't worry if the OP is a woman. She'll fight you (the OP). Giver her hell back and fight for your ww.

Your ww imho is being manipulated and possibly emotionally abused by the OP. Esp since her childhood included such a trauma at the hand of another woman. Don't think for a minute this OP isn't twisting every bit of reality around to suit her selfish needs.

She has risked it all, her own M for goodness' sake, so she has nothing to lose by going as far as she can. YOU fight her every inch of the way and gloves go off. I'd say in this situation it's ok to hit back with exposure, documentation, etc.

And I'd also keep a journal of the odd behaviors of ww, any emotional or mental problems, and also document the times she took your ds around her affair partner as that is something a court of law would not condone. Your ww needs to know you won't end this M without a fight and that she's not in for an easy divorce.

That's what the OP is counting on. USING the "so called lesbian" card in making you give up when she knew that was her one thing she could use. Your ww isn't lesbian or she couldn't have married you, had sf all the time and a baby. I seriously don't see how she could be 100 percent gay. Don't buy it for a minute. But seriously, I'd BET the OP is making her THINK she is gay, even if she isn't. Serious emotional manipulations going on I'd bet.

Another voice in the chorus, sparks: I contracted Group B strep 10 days after I gave birth to my DS. I was in the hospital for 5 days. I had to pump my breast milk and throw it away because of the killer antibiotics in my IV. Grandma stayed with H and they gave DS bottles of Similac for that week.

When I got home, DS asked me "Where the hell have YOU been?!" and picked up breastfeeding again without a hitch.

He's in his first year of college now, is much taller than me, and thinks he knows it all. Your little guy will be fine.

Buy some bottles and Similac.

My W and I got out of town this weekend where both our parents reside. My sister is in town from NYC and they are having a shower. The first night, I dropped my W at her parents place and went to mine. Told my wife I needed some space. That night, I exposed everything to my parents. I trust and believe in them. In anticipation for bringing the affair up to my wife next week, I valued my parents advice. Of course they are heartbroken, but they understand the support and love for my wife as well as the desire to save my marriage.

My plan was to bring the affair to the attention of my wife. Tell her to end now. Write no contact letter. Expose to both parents and maybe even OW's soon to be ex. My parents really believe that the same sex piece of this puzzle cannot be ignored and should be navigated very carefully. The advice from the folks at MB show dr Hurley saying that same sex affairs should be no different than hetero affairs. I am truly lost. My father thinks I should approach wife. Let her know of affair. Give her the chance to end it right now if she ever had doubts with the intention that we work on us towards forgiveness. Expose to just parents. If she wants to walk, tell her a very bad divorce procedure is in our future. Our S will obviously be in the middle of this which scares me and will terrify her. Her master plan assumed they would have full custody forever in a perfect lesbian world.

I'm terrified. I need to suck it up. Should I take the strong tactics from dr Hurley? Should I trust my father and walk carefully around the sexual orientation part? Does anybody have any experience in this situation?