My husband has been having an email "relationship" with a woman who helps out on a youth football league he runs.
It started out as "flirting" in April when I first saw one of their emails. He uses his work computer so I can't snoop too often. In August I saw an email that she was falling in love with him. Which he replied that who cares what she says, and he avoids that discussion with her. He says I should see that I'm the one he loves and wants to be with by his actions. But in Nov I found an email that he said he loved her. Again he tells me they were just words on a page and I should see what is in front of me ...which really is a loving husband that I know wants to be with me.
But, I still can't get over these emails and don't have any reason to beleive they have stopped. I know he doesn't see her in person very much (the football field last fall) because we are always together. Maybe they have gone to lunch.
Is this cheating? I think about it all the time and don't know what to do.

Yes, it is.


What you should see in front of you is a cheating husband who is gaslighting you.

Edited to add: You need to snoop more, this is probably not restricted to emails. Read everything you can on this site, and expose the affair.

Hi Dee and welcome to MB. Sorry you are here.

If your H sent an email to another woman stating his love for her trust your gut. This is very inappropriate and you have every right to be suspicious.

It's time to do some heavy snooping. Do you have access to home email and phone accounts. Check for frequent calls and texting to unfamiliar numbers if your don't know the OWs. Gather all you can.

I would say yes, this is at least an emotional affair (EA) but an affair is an affair is an affair. Your H is going outside of your marriage to have someone else meet some of his emotional needs.

There will be vets here that will respond to your thread. Take what they say to heart, learn it and execute it.

Dee, take a moment here and let this sink in. Heed the advice you are and will be receiving. Your husband will likely deny that anything is happening and he may not even realize the potentially devastating path he is currently on. I had the same thing happen to me. My wife was emailing and texting a friend that we would see in person maybe twice a month. They were texting 10-15 times a day. They grew very, very close. I got the "he's just a good friend" routine when I said something to her about it. Long story short, I did nothing to stop the EA from growing and it became a PA soon afterwards. Had I put a stop to the inappropriate contact the affair would have died right there and we wouldn't be rebuilding a broken marriage now.

This is definitely an affair and if they are exchanging ILYs, I wouldn't be surprised if it has gone physical. Do you have access to his cell records?

I would put a VAR/GPS in the car.

Sorry you are here.

Oh, ick, Dee. Yes, your WH is having an EA and possibly a PA. He is gaslighting you. Think about it - does he run around, saying "I love you" to all his friends? No.
You need to do some investigating to get to the bottom of this. I would suggest you start by hiding a VAR (voice activated recorder) in his car. Waywards need a fair amount of contact, and he may be talking to her while he's alone in the car.

Do you have a home computer? I would slap a keylogger on it. $100 and a 10-minute installation, tops.

Consider hiring a PI to follow him. That'll get the info quickly.

Get a GPS and put it on his car. It will email you with reports of where he is.

Don't tell him you're doing any of this! While you're snooping, act normal, and I know that will be hard. But if you tip him off that you're suspicious it will drive him underground and make it harder to catch them.

Bring everything you find here, and we'll to you what you should do next.

BTW, do NOT ask your H again about his A. History shows us again and again that waywards lie and do not admit it. It will just drive him further underground. Snoop, snoop, snoop...

Thank you all so much for responding. It is hard to hear this is an affair, but really I already knew it. I guess I was just hoping I could be wrong. My WH (that's hard to write!) wants me to beleive that I have created this huge love affair in my mind and it is not at all what I think. Yet he has NEVER told me he has stopped talking to and ended the "friendship" for me and our marriage. He says even if he did that, I would not beleive it and continue to question him about what I've created in my mind.

I hear your suggestions and should probably try them to save my marriage. I have a son (14)and I should probably try for him. But all I can think about is just leaving and letting him have her and she can have him. Kind of the "you'll see what you've lost" attitude.

I'm going to see the counselor that we went to a few times last year today. I know he won't tell me what to do, but as you guys have helped me here today realize I'm not the crazy one, I'm hoping he will help me figure out the right path.

Gloveoil,
Thanks for sharing your story with me. I'm glad you are saving your marriage and you have a wonderful forgiving wife. I hope my husband realizes like you did and changes, but I'm not so sure he will.

Dee, ask your counselor if he is familiar with the MB concepts. Most MCs have no idea how to work with infidelity and how to improve your marriage after.

I would encourage you to follow the advice here and decide about the M later, after you have ended the A. That way all of your options are open and you are dealing with your H, not a foggy gaslighting wayward.

You also don't want your child to have a wayward for a father regardless of whether or not you think you will stay in the M.

Lastly, what about OW, is she M? Again regardless OWH needs to be told and I think you have enough information to contact him.

Thanks Lookin4Serenity, I actually printed off all the replies to show the counselor.

Regarding, ending the EA, I'm not sure it will work with my WH. He has already said even if he wrote her and told her it was over etc. and showed me that I would still not beleive it and still question and as he puts it "make up things in my mind of what is going on between them".

I'm sure that is just a good reason for him not to do it. But it is also true, I think I'd still wonder and drive myself nuts with it as I have this past year. I even told him I can't survive another year worrying about it like last year. He seems to just want me to accept that it is nothing..Just Friends.

He doesn't try to explain their relationship or why he said he loved her. I told him I didn't want my husband telling another woman he loved her. His reply was "I undersand that" and that was it.

I really don't know what to believe. I think he really want our marriage but also likes this "thing" he has with her. I think it is about control with him. I think he likes the thrill so to speak of keeping her hanging on wanting him.

She has a fiance.....I doubt they will ever marry.

Thanks again for everyone's help and concern.

Trying to base your decisions and plans on what your fogged out WH tells you is craziness, Dee.

He is in cake-eating mode. He is just going to lie and gaslight you. Don't bother trying to get him to end the A on his own and don't bother trying to get him to reassure you that he is committed to the M. He is foggy and is only going to say and do whatever he needs to to keep both of you in the picture.

Without proof, he is just going to deny, deny, deny. Without proof, it will be tough for you to expose this and end the A.

Will you let us help you follow a real plan? Or are you going to let your waffling WS dictate your next move?

Whether they are going to marry or not makes no difference. THe fiance has a right to know and he will most likely be able to help bust up this A.

Do you have his full name? Can you find him on FB?

Odds are very high this is physical.

You need to gather a bit more evidence. Start by putting a keylogger on the computer, unless you can guess his passwords so you can read the emails in full. But a keylogger will reveal secret email accounts.

Put a VAR in his car and you'll catch any phone conversations with her.

Find out who the OW's fiance is and get ready to expose to him.

I also hate to tell you this, but the odds are very high that this is a physical affair and they have done things. You don't say "I love you" to just a friend and you don't throw such things around unless something has happened.

Snoop. Gather more evidence.

The number one killer of affairs is exposure. So you need to prepare to bring things out to the open. No hesitation on this. You'll question us because BS's almost always do.

Exposure is the number one thing that kills affair. Being nice will get you nowhere.

Dee --

You sure don't set a very high bar, do you?

He says "you won't believe me..wah wah wah"
And you say "yeah, you're right..."

Why not "I've had it buddy. You don't get to have both a wife and a girlfriend. End contact with her and PROVE IT!! Or I am out of here. Put EXTRAORDINARY effort into making me believe you and trust you again -- because you VALUE me and your family. Or lose me forever..."

Why are you so easy?

Dee,

One big problem is that he isn't seeing the seriousness of this.

Make him see it!