Two years ago I was the one who had the affair. My husband found out and at first we were doing well at working it out. Went to therapy, still connected, and seemed like we were doing really well. About eight months ago we had went out and when we got home he wanted to start an argument over the affair and I told him I didn't want to do this again. (Advice from the therapist) Anyways, the fight became physcial and I ended up having him arrested for hitting me, strangling me, and confining me. I know that was not him, we have been married 17 years and he has never laid a hand on me. Well, after three months of being seperated we decided we wanted to stay together. He promised not to bring up the affair and wanted to be together as a family. Well, after a couple months he has started talking about it again and doensn't think he did anything wrong the night of the fight. He says it's all my fault. I don't know what to do because I have showed my remorse for the affair, I have done everything for forgivness but he makes me feel like he can treat me any way he wants and no matter what he does wrong, it's my fault from what i did and he should get by with it. I guess my question is how long should I put up with this? I am trying to forgive myself but he won't let me. I feel like I am damaged forever.

What are your boundaries about threats of violence?

I think anytime there is a real possibility for domestic violence, you should separate.
Dr Harley thinks so too.

Make it a legal separation.

READ THIS

"When to call it quits" ... *LINK*

YOU need to READ THIS

He has not been violent again. It's more verbal. He tells me that he is so hurt by what I have done he just doesn't know how to completely forgive me. I am just tired of talking about it everyday. He says we aren't but in his own way he brings it up. When he is having a bad day(s) he ignores me and I try to work past it. Then when he's having good days he talks and tells me how much he loves me and wants sex all the time. I don't know. I am a stay at home mother and have been for 8 yrs. We have no extra money and I have been submitting resumes for almost a year with no luck. I want our relationship back but how long do I let him punish me for my affair?

I STRONGLY urge you to click on the counseling center link at the very top of this page and make the call.

Your marriage can only improve/heal if you have/follow a plan.

In my OPINION, things have gotten too out of control for you to attempt to do this on your own.

I think the Harley PLANS and individual coaching will help your M more than traditional marriage counseling where you are both sitting in the same room.

Why not try a proven method?

This is not the right question to ask.
To try and answer this question is pointless.
If punishing you was a path to a better marriage, this would be a legitimate question .... but it is not.

The question to ask is this:

What Harley plan will help us create a mutually happy & satisfying marriage and make home a sanctuary for us and our children?

Tolerating "punishment" is not a recovery plan. Not working.

Thank you for your help. I will use the counsling section and make the call.

Here's the pointless answer ......


.... and I am just making a point .... My time line is facetious.

I had an affair two 1/2 years ago. My husband has know about it that long as well. We have done counseling with no luck. Have tried it on our own with no luck. when it first came out we seemed to be doing better then, now I don't know what to do. I know I had the affair but let me ask you this..... how long is to long to be punished everyday? We have had fights but one night he became physcial and the police became involved. We were seperated for almost three months and in that time we both promised not to give up and not to bring up the affair anymore. That we wanted our family to stay together. Well, that last about a month and it's been 8 mns and he brings it up everyday. He has moments and ignores me. He went out with an old girlfriend twice and told me it was my fault because of what I did. He also says him getting violent that night was my fault. I know I have tried but how long should I allow him to punish me in this way? I know it's not healthy but I want to make up for my sin.

FYI,

boo has started a thread with the same question in Recovery. She has had excellent responses there.

sorry new to site and didn't know if I went to the right forum. Thanks for letting me know I posted on two different ones.

Can you give us more details? What did he do that was violent?

How long have you been married? Did you cutoff all contact with the OM?

Do you have children?

What have you done to earn back his trust?

What have you done to prevent another affair?

Your H is being constantly triggered. The question is why. What is triggering him?

Understand that what you did is emotionally traumatic. It is abuse that is as traumatic as rape for the betrayed spouse.

So it healing won't happen quickly, on your timeline and it won't be easy.

Here is her other thread.
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2468054#Post2468054

During the fight he chocked me, slapped me, and had me by my arms and face. I had bruising and of course it was traumatic. My 15 year old son heard us and tried to get in but my husband had locked the door.

I have no contact with the other man and it's been 2 1/2 yrs. I have given my husband any details he has wanted. And he now wishes he wouldn't of asked for them. I apologize and tell him that I only love him. That I know I devastated him and I will make it up to him by being the wife he wants. I make sure I tell him everyday that I love him. I comfort him when I can see he is down. I always make sure I have one of our children with me when I go anywhere. I want to go to counseling, I tell him how sexy I think he is, I tell him how wonderful of a man he is and I don't know what else to do. I have looked at him and just said I am so sorry, please forgive me and given him a kiss and said I love you. I know he will never look at me the same and he reminds me of that daily.

I am at a point that I need to decide on how to handle the healing from here. It's not healthy to have to text or call a 100 times a day. I don't like to leave the house because I am afraid it will set him into a depressive mood. I completely underdstand I brought this on myself. I just don't know what else I can do to gain his forgiveness and trust again.

We met when we were teenagers and have been married 17 years. He has not been violant ever until that night and he said it was because he couldn't take the pain anymore.

Boo,

I'll respond here although Pep has given you some great advice on your other thread. Listen to her.

What I am going to ask and say is going to sound harsh and perhaps as if I want your marriage to fail, I don't.

Ok first This never happens again, right? Have you talked to your H about what this confrontation did to your son? If not you should. Anytime he threatens you or is physical, you call the police.

Let me ask you something. You say he punishes you just about every day, right? Then please tell me how you can lie to him as you do. How could he ever trust a liar? And you are a liar.

You said on this thread: You do this after he punishes you? A man that punishes his W is not a good man, and frankly I cannot think it is sexy, unless you have kink you have not mentioned.

You will find if you read the articles on this site, that "radical honesty" is required for a marriage to heal, for a marriage to prosper, and for it to be a good marriage. You are lying to your H on a daily basis, he knows it. You were lying to him when you had the affair, he knows it.

STOP THE LYING. That is step one.

Next point, he will never look at you the same, that is a true statement. But, he could look at you in ways he never has and I mean that in a positive way. But, first you have to look at yourself in the mirror and forgive yourself. You have to see the value in you, you have to honor the value in you, and you have to see that you are capable of being a wonderful mother and wife. After all isn't that what you have been since and before your affair?

Oh, perhaps not. Well, then the next thing you need to read is about NEEDS, yours and his. YOu need to read about love busters, and then you really have to grasp the concept of the "giver/taker" dicotomy that is within all of us.

He will not respect you until you respect yourself. He will not respect you until you start to protect your boundaries. He will not love you until he respects you.

Which brings me to something else. You don't respect him much either do you? Hence your pronouncements of love are lies aren't they.

I am not saying you cannot love him, I am saying you don't know what love is yet. I do recommend that you call the Harleys and seek counseling. It is not cheap but divorce is more expensive and that is where this is heading.

Your H has a lot to change, and right now he is not a very wonderful man. He is a hurt man, he is a man that does not know how to love his W, he is a man that is frightened, but he is not a WONDERFUL man...yet.

Please read, and then as Pep said on your other thread you need to develop a plan. And one of the first steps will for you to define your boundaries. You are setting a bad example for your children and worse so is your H. Time for this to stop.

I look forward to hearing your response.

God Bless,

JL

No, the physical abuse has just happened the one time, and yes the police were called. We are dealing with his punishment now. But like I mentioned he blames what he did that evening on the affair I had. Which I understand because I know I hurt him deeply. I also know that I was a liar at the time of the affair, I am not one now. I tell him the truth about everything.

Just when I think I have forgiven myself, he has a moment or a bad day and starts with questions about the affair or ignores me. I then feel bad, and start hating myself all over. We don't fight in front of the children, I try to be as normal as I can.

I have read many threads today and taken advice from pep and read the articles she suggested. I am going to talk to my husband tonight about the counseling because if I were to call, he would see it on the phone bill and then it would upset him that I didn't talk to him about this first.

Thank you for being so start up and honest. You made valid points and I agree that I can not get his respect back until I respect myself. I think I have been scared to do that because of the affair I had. It sickens me that I would ever do that. But I know that I have asked for Gods forgiveness and for my husbands forgiveness. Now it's time to ask myself for forgiveness.

Your BH wants to stay married but amature help won't help him heal.

Time to call the Harley's.

First, let me say:

ABUSE IS ABUSE

Verbal, physical, mental, emotional...it is still ABUSE!

A physical bruise will heal and disappear.
Words bruise your mind and your soul...these never disappear.
Words can cut more deeply than any knife.

(climbs off soap box)

Your husband is passing all the blame on to you.

He isn't accepting responsibility for his actions in:
1) not meeting your Emotional Needs
2) making withdrawals from your Love Bank
--- which directly correlates to you seeking an affair
3) acting like a complete and utter JACKWAGON by being physically violent with you

Its been said elsewhere:
Each spouse is 50% responsible for the state of their marriage.

Yes, you chose to have an affair...you are owning up to that mistake and trying to do better.

He can't let it go.

He can't accept that it was part of his actions/inactions that pushed you away from him.

He only wants to blame you, not himself.
He only wants to punish you, and not himself.

He needs help, serious, serious help.

Forgiving yourself:

http://www.erinpavlina.com/blog/2010/09/the-secret-to-forgiving-yourself/

Just because you sin does not automatically make you a "bad" person.

God knows that as humans, we are going to stumble and fall. It is inevitable.

Its what we do when we fall that makes us better or worse people.

"Bad" people aren't remorseful, repentant, and keep repeating the sin over and over and over.

You are not a "bad" person.

Thank you for the link on Forgiving yourself. I read the article and I think that I am ready to forgive myself. I am going to forgive myself. My family deserves a wife and mother who is alive and living rather than one who is dead inside. I know that having the affair created all this, it is now time to heal. I will not let my husband bring my self confidence down anymore. I am allowed to live and be alive. I know my goal is to save my marriage. He needs help and I will insist that he receives it along with couples counseling.

Thanks again.