My ex and I split 6 years ago. She had an affair. I was gutted for my kids and wanted our marriage to work for them, but I had to leave. I accepted the facts and got over it in a few months. Her relationship failed and she is single and as far as I know does not date much. I have no feelings for her other than that she is the mother of my children and we were together for 25 years. I only talk to her about the kids and mainly by email.

About a year after I moved out I met a girl who I liked. We got on well, but she is extremely jealous and has anger issues. I have been with her nearly 5 years. In that time our only issues have been her jealousy and anger. Other than that she is great in all other respects.

She is unable to accept that I have a cordial relationship with my ex. I have stopped my ex from calling me other than an emergency to try to stop the conflict over her. She is upset when I receive a text from my ex. I get maybe 1 in 2 months. This will be about the children. I also may have some email correspondence with her on a needs basis about the children. The emails are friendly, eg "Hope you are well", "Keep well", etc. and maybe a comment from her like "I bought a new car", or "my uncle Ben died", but very limited. There has been some times where we may have talked a lot more, eg. my older daughter moved in with me for a while but I managed to smooth things over between her and her mother so she moved back.

Early in our relationship, my kids spent a lot more time with me and got on well with my GF. My GF lived an hour away by plane in the first 2 years and we saw each other for about 10 days each month. She is 16 years younger than me. My kids were in their early teens and are now both at university. I still see them twice a week for dinner without my GF because of conflict that my GF caused about 2 years ago. She sent my ex an abusive email, and sent my older daughter an email complaining about my younger daughter who she felt was too clingy and needed to grow up. Well that caused issues and my kids would have nothing to do with her. We split for a while, but got back together. My GF now sees the kids as trying to do evertything they can to destroy us which is not true.

I have been to counselling with her but it has not really helped. She has no reason to be jealous of my ex but 95% of our fights are over her. I have no other contact with my ex and do not want any.

When we have a fight, she is very abusive and tries to get physical. Very much in my face. I am bigger and stronger but have to get away to avoid her. She will then resort to breaking things.

We have just returned from holiday. I had to rush back a few days early for an op. When I called my daughters and explained I was back early and having an operation, they called their mother and she sent me a text msg saying the kids were upset and hoped I was OK. I replied saying I would call the kids again and allay their fears. This caused an arguement.

Next day I had the operation. My GF had my phone while I was being operated on and called my ex to tell her to stop contacting me. I am not sure what was said, but I found out a few days later. My daughter told me and said her mother had to switch her phone off. I called the ex to apologise. She was upset by it and said she would get an AVO if it happened again. Fair enough. So that led to another major arguement. A few days later she was leaving for work and got upset because I had sent my daughter a text. Major arguement and I decided to leave while she was at work.

Where to next?

You should have stopped right there. Why would you date someone like this, especially for 5 years?

AGG

I guess you are right, but I was hoping that she would mellow with time. The jealousy and anger only surfaced after 6 months.

Thanks for the feedback.

Hopefully you will be able to go back and read your post and see what we all see when we read it.

Major Red Flags!!!

She's angry, jealous and abusive (for 5 years!) and your children want nothing to do with her.

At some point you need to make the decision as to whether you want better for yourself or if you can continue to live like this- because she's not changing!!!

Is this the life, and the girlfriend, you want to continue having?

Why on God's green earth do men put up with abuse? You deserve better than this. You have let this freaky woman damage your relationship with your children and break your stuff.

You said that you decided to leave while she was at work. Does that mean that you have been living together?

IMO, you need to cut off all contact and have nothing else to do with this chick. She may have pretended to be nice for awhile, but she's bad news.

Yes, I do see the red flags. As I said, 95% of fights were about my ex.

Thanks for the input.

We have been living together for over 2 years but we have our own places. She was with me until about 6 months ago and then I moved in with her. Still have my own place and have moved back now.

It has been the same story. We split after a fight, she begs me she will sort herself out, we get back until the next time. She has been to doctors for help to try and sort herself out. She admits she has a problem.

You guys are confirming what I feel, and I know I should have left a long time ago.

It is so sad to see how much she damaged your relationship with your kids. I'd dump her ASAP, and try to rebuild some sort of a relationship with your daughters. This woman is a classic bad news person.

AGG

She has not damaged my relationship with my kids at all. They are both at University now and I see them at least twice a week and chat to them daily. I have a very good relationship with them.

Thanks for the advice. Really appreciated.

Then that is great, sorry if I misunderstood. But you do not need the toxicity of this woman, there are many good women out there, don't settle for scraps or psychos.

AGG

Rhodie, your post sends chills up my spine.

I am one year out of a relationship (marriage) with a woman who by any measure was afflicted with Borderline Personality Disorder.

This is a scary, abusive and reality-shifting condition. What makes it worse is the afflicted person rarely wants help with it.

There is no way I can diagnose (and wouldn't even if I could), but some of the ignited my now-normal instinct to go reaching for the DSM-IV.

For some revealing insights and stay-awake-at-night reading, check out Shari Schreiber's writings or Dr. Tara Palmatier's site.

Whew.

This woman is way overboard and scary, I'd run! I can understand her wanting you to only have contact with your ex about your children, but even so, she shouldn't go off about simple cordial remarks...you were in each other's family for 25 years, you're going to care if an uncle dies, etc.! At the first sign of abuse you should have shown her the door...I hope you're away from her for good.

I think you've nailed it Fred.

Rhodie, my WstbXH probably has Narcissistic Personality Disorder which has some similar characteristics to BPD but is more prevalent in men. I was getting some of the same vibes as Fred about your SO.

There is an excellent chance that if you try to make a complete end to the relationship she will ramp up her bad behaviors. If I were you, I'd change my phone number, warn my kids that the relationship is ending and that she may cause problems, and follow what most people here call a Plan B, which is no contact whatsoever.

If you can legally record any future face-to-face contacts with her, do so to protect yourself. Women with BPD are notorious for making false domestic violence accusations. Don't be surprised if you end up needing to get a restraining order (or whatever is the legal equivalent where you live).

Good luck.

Thanks for the links Fred. I sometimes wondered if she had BP, but she went to a few doctors and they all treated her for depression.

That was a big problem for me. There was absolutely no reason for her to worry about my ex and yet, ant contact set her off. And the contact has decreased every year as the kids have got older and we have had less to discus.

Thanks kayc.

rhodie, your relationship with your GF has in essence been an interview for marriage. Would you say she's passed the interview or flunked it?

I am not trying to paint her as a monster. I really thought she was someone I could spend the rest of my life travelling with. We enjoyed the same things and rarely quarrelled when we were away from our regular environment. But lately the fighting has got worse and always about the same thing.

Thanks for the input Kirby.

Thanks mb. That is a very apt way of putting it.

Typical.

Many "doctors" are more interested in writing prescriptions to get the pain out of the office.

Just think: Did you ever watch the movie, "Supersize Me?" Near the end of the 30 day period, when the guy's body is rebelling against the junk he's been subjecting it to, he goes to his doctor who tells him, in effect, "this is a stupid project you've been on. Look what it's done to you."

Most doctors would simply have written meds for high blood pressure, high cholesterol, anti-anxiety, and more. All which could be avoided by asking one simple question: "What are you eating?"

Doctors don't like to consider problems that may not be medical in nature. Personality disorders are not MEDICAL problems, they are CHARACTER problems.

That is why many NPD/BPD individuals are mis-diagnosed as Bi-Polar, ADHD, or other such.

Rhodie,

I cringed when I read your posts, and the reponses. I had anger and jealousy issues too. I grew up in a home with anger, and my stbx's lying, affairs, and flirting had me feeling jealous.

I had to go through a lot of pain to learn my lessons from this. One, I didn't have good boundaries for being respected, and when I felt anger, I expressed it in matter I learned growing up, which was terribly wrong. And two, I had no role models to even know what a good relationsip looked like. I wanted a relationship that I wasn't even prepared for myself.

However, I wonder if these are all just her issues. May as well ask since you're here. Out of curiosity....Was all of your communications with your ex open and honest with the gf? I'm trying to figure out where her jealousy came from. Was she betrayed in the past?