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I am back on the MB forums after quiet a while, hoping to get some advice.

Here is my story, in the shortest version possible:

WW engaged in a PA for about 1 1/2 years with her boss. We tried going to MC and work things out for about 2 months. I then caught WW and OM (also married) still communicating and seeing each other. Split up occurred about May 2009, and D finalized November 2009. WW and OM are not together, with the OM going back to his spouse. WW wanted nothing to do with me other than friendship. We talk now, but only when we have to because she pays me monthly for a loan we had together.

Here is my problem:

I have dated a few women since then. I have had no problem getting women interested, but I can not keep interest myself. They are very good women, and I know I should appreciate that. After about a month with them, I am just not in it anymore and have no idea why it just "goes away" for me. I am currently dating a very nice 31 year old lady, with a 3 year old child. I am 26, nice career going, and things are going well for me. She pays attention, cares for me, worries about me, does everything I ever want. She has read his needs her needs, and the five languages of love. We have spoken about these things, and both explained what we need from each other.

Why can I not get my ex WW out of my mind? I do not think about her every single day, but enough that I wish I had everything we did before without the cheating. I feel it is not fair to my current GF, and I don't think it is best to talk to her about it. I think this might be part of the reason I can not keep interest for very long. Any suggestions, advice, or words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks.



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Wow. I'm having same issues, except it has been 8 years for me and I am remarried. I do have an interest in my new husband and I know he is what is best for me at this juncture. However the old feelings pop up frequently. My advice is to not jump into a long term relationship until those old feelings are settled. I think I did that and now I'm stuck between someone who loves me dearly and that I love as well and someone that I still have feelings for that have never completely gone away. I contribute mine to having promised to love my X til death do us part--and whether or not it is good for me, I am afraid I always will. In the meantime I am married to a wonderful guy who provides for me, cares for me and my sons, and treats me well. I love him for that, but it is a different love. Anyway....I would certainly say to resolve old feelings before moving on.

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I do not feel that I will ever "unlove" my XWW. I know people say you have to be over that person, but I feel that I am. I don't think that the love that will be there forever should be considered not getting over them. I have a feeling that if I find someone I am truly and completely interested in, those might go away. I'm wondering if maybe there is such a thing out there though.



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I think it's just going to take some time to resolve some of your feelings for your ex-wife.

Maybe you could take some time off from dating, and just do other stuff you love to do. You could meet women that way as well, but just hang out, no pressure? Maybe? I haven't dated in 20 years, so this is just coming from some other stuff I've read. In time, I think we can find a place in our hearts for someone new. Hard for me to think about it right now, but I'll leave that option open.


D-yr fall 06-fall 07
Separated 10/2010
Him-several affairs, last one 3/2011
Divorced filed 3/2011, final 3/2012

Formerly "Mopey".
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2013149&page=1

After a 4 yr FR, it became CLEAR to me of what you can look for in a FR. And that is the absence of POJA, and/or if your spouse tramples on your boundaries. If someone is not willing to do POJA with you, and they don't respect your boundaries, imo, the relationship is doomed.
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I figured it would take some time, but not this long. I feel bad that I think someone will have to "replace" her in my heart before that happens, but it seems to be a harsh truth.



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NWO,
I'm surprised you have a financial loan as a means to tie you to your WW. Cant she just send you a check?
From what I know of the benefits of PlanB, I think you should be in it. I would think that every time you encounter your ex, the feelings are renewed; probably you kinda forget about the cheating and just remember the good things (especially since time has passed and you are most likely a positive person so you don't hold on to a lot of negative stuff).

I think I know what youre saying because I've recently had a few awkward, but real, dreams of my WxW and I believe its because I keep having to run into her due to 2 kids (drop offs and stuff). She wants a fantasy divorce, so she's always trying to be super nice and cooperative. Part of me is glad for that but the other part screams "She's a cheater!! Stay away!!"

Originally Posted By: nwo
I figured it would take some time, but not this long. I feel bad that I think someone will have to "replace" her in my heart before that happens, but it seems to be a harsh truth.

So, the time factor I think is being extended because of your consistent contact with ex. And I totally disagree with the second statement - I sense you aren't comfortable with it either.

Can I also say that I don't think it's fair to your new GF(s) that you continue needless contact with the ex, especially in light of what it apparently does to you. From the other side of that one: the woman I'm dating still has quite a bit of contact with her ex of 10 years; honestly I'm a little uncomfortable with it, but we just started going out so I'm currently just in the monitoring stage to see if it's really a deal breaker.

So, to be really harsh: seems to me you need to crap or get off the pot with the ex -- either Plan B her or ask her out. I don't recommend dating a known adulterer, to me "once a cheater, always a cheater" holds true, but that's the cynical me, and let's face it I was once wayward and I am positive I'll never do it again.

Good Luck NoWayOut

optimism


Me: 43 y.o. BFWH, D-day 11/11/09 (NC since 9/01)
Divorce from WW final 9/16/10.
Current Status: MB-based Marriage to Nature Girl 12/8/12 (first date on 12/11/10)
Mine: S(16), D(11)
NatureGirls: S(23), D(21)
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Quote:
I feel bad that I think someone will have to "replace" her in my heart before that happens, but it seems to be a harsh truth.


You don't have to look at it as "replacing" her. That's like losing one of your kids and replacing them. That's not going to happen.

For me, there may always be a place in my heart for someone I loved so deeply, and since no one ele IS him, no one can replace him.

But I do believe that in time, once you've truly healed from this wound, you will have plenty of room for someone else in your heart. After you let go of the ex completely.


D-yr fall 06-fall 07
Separated 10/2010
Him-several affairs, last one 3/2011
Divorced filed 3/2011, final 3/2012

Formerly "Mopey".
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2013149&page=1

After a 4 yr FR, it became CLEAR to me of what you can look for in a FR. And that is the absence of POJA, and/or if your spouse tramples on your boundaries. If someone is not willing to do POJA with you, and they don't respect your boundaries, imo, the relationship is doomed.
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She could have an automatic payment set up by her bank every month to pay you, she could do a billpay, or send you a check, or just deposit directly into your bank account.
The longer you have prolonged contact, the harder it will be for you to heal and move on. Why are you doing this to yourself?


Enacting life's lessons into positive change... .
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Thank you for all the replies. I actually do not have verbal contact with her because of this loan. Everything is done through text and she deposits the money into my checking account every month. Other than that, we do not speak. My problem is that I think of her because she has never been mean at all through the divorce process and after. I know I will never get back with her again, but we did get along great. I know I can do this, but if she was a friend.... she would actually be a very good one.



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Good friends never betray you.


I watch, and am as a sparrow alone upon the house top.
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I meant I can't do this. Sorry. I told her we would never be friends.



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Originally Posted By: N0Way0ut
I meant I can't do this. Sorry. I told her we would never be friends.

She's not friend material NOW...Pariah's right.

Quote:
My problem is that I think of her because she has never been mean at all through the divorce process and after. I know I will never get back with her again, but we did get along great. I know I can do this, but if she was a friend.... she would actually be a very good one.

So just to make sure...
In my experience Waywards tend to outwardly very nice people who want everyone to love them; it's like a boundary issue. So even though she stabbed you in the back and bonked her boss for however long, she wants to just maybe 'get past it' and have everyone get along. (I heard this part from Steve Harvey during a consult). By being nice to their victim, it assuages some of the tremendous guilt they feel - but this is NOT compensation, it's more selfishly driven and they are STILL wayward at heart.

It does seem like for some reason your emotional bank account with this one is high (because she's been pleasant and cooperative, and she might have other attributes that you found attractive and still do).

I haven't read all your posts and I don't know your whole story Nowayout so I hope you'll forgive me if I'm being presumptuous but I'm afraid your at risk of making the same mistake I did the first time my wife had a PA, 10 years ago. I didn't understand the significance of adultery or what it took for someone to betray their wedding vows to that extent. I considered it a glitch/mistake/anomaly and most likely a one-time-thing. But it's more of a character defect relating to boundaries and if one doesn't address it in themselves properly it will continue to surface (I should know, I have the same problem and have made myself acutely aware of the tendency and I really watch my boundaries). Anyway, of course my wayward wife again followed that path albeit years later: she simply can't be faithful; she has yet to address the lack of boundaries.

I think it's so important for you to get this because I do believe your attachment to the ex is affecting your new relationships. I also have a big concern that you're going to get involved with another woman who has no boundaries and will cheat on you. I've dated 4 women since my D was final and it has been one of the first things I looked for; there is no long term potential for me and a woman who has poor boundaries.

Again, forgive me if I'm saying things you already know. And good luck, NWO.

~opt
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Quote:
I do not think about her every single day, but enough that I wish I had everything we did before without the cheating. I feel it is not fair to my current GF, and I don't think it is best to talk to her about it.

You can have it all and more - just not with WaywardExW. And I wonder if it would actually be good to talk to your current GF about it - it's intimate conversation and what we call Radical Honesty. I like that she's read HNHN, that helps.


Me: 43 y.o. BFWH, D-day 11/11/09 (NC since 9/01)
Divorce from WW final 9/16/10.
Current Status: MB-based Marriage to Nature Girl 12/8/12 (first date on 12/11/10)
Mine: S(16), D(11)
NatureGirls: S(23), D(21)
Another EA Story
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Thanks opt, things makes much more sense than it ever has before. I never thought if it at a character issue. I see now how I think she is just trying to justify what she did in her mind, and by being nice to me.... It's like it is going to make her feel better for what she did on the inside. I might have a talk with the current gf, but it is a little soon I believe. We have only been together a little short of 2 months.



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Originally Posted By: N0Way0ut
I see now how I think she is just trying to justify what she did in her mind, and by being nice to me.... It's like it is going to make her feel better for what she did on the inside.


That's exactly right!!! My ex-WH does the same thing- super nice and cooperative and pleasant. "It's all great, see? I didn't really just destroy a marriage and a family, because we all get along and are happy".

Don't fall for it!

You deserve to be with someone who is honest and faithful and your ex was neither of those. It's a matter of believing deep down inside that you deserve better, and it will eventually come to you at just the right time.

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Thanks a lot all of you. I knew this site would help! Good luck in all of your journeys.



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I wanted to offer a different point of view, since I was the wayward spouse.

I have confessed, apologized, and asked for forgiveness from my ex-husband. I do not attempt to justify my adulterous behavior, and in any new relationship, I would be very open to checks and balances so that honesty and fidelity were guarded.

In terms of my relationship with my ex, because we have children, I am polite and nice to him. Do I do this because I'm trying to appease my guilt or be liked? No, that's not my motivation.

Although I admit that I do struggle with boundaries, and have since I was very, very young, the way I behave right now on a day to day basis reflects my desire to be a better person.

I'm painfully aware of my flaws and that being the woman I hope to be won't be accomplished on my own. I have shelves full of books about behavior and relationships, and I'm constantly seeking to understand and grow.

So, when I'm kind to those around me, I'm not trying to manipulate or win anyone over to 'my side'. My intention is to simply take responsibility for what I can control in my life - me.

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Originally Posted By: Isabeau
I wanted to offer a different point of view, since I was the wayward spouse.

I have confessed, apologized, and asked for forgiveness from my ex-husband. I do not attempt to justify my adulterous behavior, and in any new relationship, I would be very open to checks and balances so that honesty and fidelity were guarded.

In terms of my relationship with my ex, because we have children, I am polite and nice to him. Do I do this because I'm trying to appease my guilt or be liked? No, that's not my motivation.

Although I admit that I do struggle with boundaries, and have since I was very, very young, the way I behave right now on a day to day basis reflects my desire to be a better person.

I'm painfully aware of my flaws and that being the woman I hope to be won't be accomplished on my own. I have shelves full of books about behavior and relationships, and I'm constantly seeking to understand and grow.

So, when I'm kind to those around me, I'm not trying to manipulate or win anyone over to 'my side'. My intention is to simply take responsibility for what I can control in my life - me.


Isabeau, it sounds like you have really grown and matured through your experiences as a wayward spouse. I'm impressed.

I think that most of us with wayward exes find them "acting" nicey nice because they are out to prove to themselves and others that the BS was the one with the problem. That's a completely different paradigm.


Me: BS 51
Himself: WH 53, EA/PA w/ RunnerSlut his "running buddy."
Buncha' kids. The two youngest are still minors.
Separated: 08/13/09 after 25 years of marriage
Plan D: Filed 11/13/09 Final 3/30/11
MC told me that he probably has a personality disorder
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Originally Posted By: Kirby
I think that most of us with wayward exes find them "acting" nicey nice because they are out to prove to themselves and others that the BS was the one with the problem. That's a completely different paradigm.


Well, I'm not above that. blush

I struggle within myself, in terms of blaming - not necessarily in regard to the affair, but about our sexual issues and the lack of trust and honesty between us during our marriage.

But, I don't want to repeat my mistakes. I'm responsible for my choices, and becoming a person of integrity is important to me.

Last edited by Isabeau; 01/29/11 01:01 PM.
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I don't think there's a one-size-fits-all conclusion we can come to on each and every wayward. If it is a character defect that cannot be corrected, there wouldn't be so many saved marriages here. There is a deficiency in the person that allows them to do everything they did, all the while justifying it to themselves and possibly to others...but some of them are remorseful, and do learn and grow and instill boundaries which help to ensure no further repeats of past behavior.

I guess I'm not understanding the original issue on this thread because if he doesn't want her back and is seeing someone else, what is the problem or question?


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kayc,

My problem is that I can't seem to keep interest in any women after a month or 2. I was wondering if anyone else had experienced the same thing and could shed some light on the situation. I didn't know if maybe I just haven't found one yet, or if this is a common behaviour of a person in my situation.



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