I had a great marriage. My husband and I moved our family overseas for his work recently. I temporarily quit my job to make sure our family was resettled but before I could start working again we found out I was pregnant. Rather than start working we decided it would be best for me to wait until after the birth of baby #2. Going from working full time and earning a very comfortable salary to being a stay-at-home mom was a big adjustment. I was feeling pretty undervalued.

Then we were looking for a babysitter. We met a wonderful 18 year old neighbor. She is really cute, smart, and funny. I knew my husband had a little crush on her and I thought it was cute.
Around this time I was feeling pretty bad. I was getting very fat from the pregnancy and was really just tired and run down so my husband and I weren't having sex as often as we normally do. I just didn't have the energy so he would have to take care of himself. One day I asked him if he ever thought about real people when he masterbated. I thought I could handle the truth but I was shocked when he told me that he thought of the 18 year old. It was just so hurtful to me. He thought about it because he actually wants to have sex with another person. A real person. A person that is not his wife and that lives right down the street. The reason I am not cute anymore is because I'm having his babies. I'm all bloated and gross. Then there is the fact that she is the one taking care of our child. I just thought the whole thing was completely selfish of him. How can I enjoy a night out with him knowing he can't wait to get home and see the babysitter for some ammo for later.

It's been a month and I just can't get over it. I know masterbation is normal and I don't know why I am so hurt by this. I think I'm looking for someone else to tell me if I'm being ridiculous. I don't know if it will matter or not but I need to do something. I'm so angry. I just start crying every other day. It's eating me up. I have thought about moving back to the states after Baby #2 comes and starting back at my old job so I can feel like I'm valued again and then rework on my marriage but I don't want to deny my children their father. he's such a good father. I feel like I'm kind of losing respect for myself by staying though.
Oh and my husband feels horrible about it all. He's so sorry that he hurt me and he wants to make it up to me but I don't know what he can do. He tried to show me more often how attractive he finds me but now his advances just remind me what a disgusting horndog he is. He kind of makes me sick now.

I bet he is sorry... really.

Believe me when I say it's not your size or looks, at least most mean I know would have sex with a fat whore if they aren't getting enough from their W. It's not so much of desiring for a man, but being desired. Men want to be desired as much as women, it's not just the bang, bam thank you.

On a humorous note, the medical implications of masturbating (not master baiting) are huge... blindness, hair on your palms etc. He needs to stop.

But then again, if you're ambidextrous, is that cheating?

(That's it! I'm done for tonight!)

First, I don't think it's ridiculous and neither would Dr. Harley, for what it's worth. If it bothers you when he masturbates, then he should stop doing it. According to MB principles, all of his sexual experiences should involve you. Second, I think it's way past time for you to find a different babysitter who is not so cute. After those issues are dealt with, you can work on making a plan with him for you to help him meet his sexual needs in a way that would work for you as well even in your pregnant state.

Welcome, Jamie.

Couple of things:
You need to lose the cute little babysitter from down the street. There have been so many jokes about the husband/babysitter hookup that it's cliche. Why would you invite a cute little of-age female into your home and into your close living situation? Don't tell me it's because you trust your husband. You shouldn't trust your husband to the extent of placing a nubile female in his home for any length of time.

As far as asking him what he thought about during master bation: what did you think he was going to say? That he mentally assesses the Gross National Product of Switzerland? What did you think he thought about? You should give him credit for being honest with you about his fantasy.

But my main question is: do you have some kind of prenatal medical condition that makes it impossible to please your H without calisthenics? Even, if I may be so indelicate, even to the extent of being incapable of moving your hand for a few minutes?

I'm not seeing where he said he wants to have sex with the babysitter. You said he thinks about her during his 'moments'. So don't come unhinged, thinking it's almost a done deal, this thing with the neighbor girl. However, you and your H is on a slippery slope with this fantasy. It would be very easy for the fantasy to become reality in this situation.

Lose the babysitter.
Take an afternoon nap or whatever it takes to be fairly refreshed and ready to maintain intimate relations with your husband. I suspect he's a guy who understands that your condition precludes wild swingin' sex, and I suspect that if the two of you are honest with each other about your needs, you'll be able to come up with a solution that will be agreeable to both of you and keep your M safe.

Hi Jamie, welcome to Marriage Builders. Masturbating is not cheating, but fantasizing about your teenage babysitter represents a serious threat to your marriage.

I would certainly not tell the girl, but I would keep away from her, because this could end up in an affair. There is already a sexual attraction, all that is needed is a weak moment coupled with the opportunity. I would remove that opportunity while you still have a chance.

Please do not play around here and take chances, just cut off all contact with the girl. If she is around for him to fantasize over, he won't be fantasizing about you.

Secondly, his masturbation is not good for your marriage because it decreases his desire to have sex with you.

Dr Harley's comment on this:

here

p.s. the next time you hire a babysitter, get a nice, elderly woman or a teenage boy.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that the husband sounds like a normal and caring guy, with the possible expection that he wasn't tactful in his answer about who he fantasizes about. Not sure if "radical honesty" (if I understand the use of that phrase on this forum) really works in this case.

I agree with finding a new babysitter, but only because the wife objects and her feelings matter. But the approach of doing so merely because she's attractive to someone who has expressed no intent to follow through with any action would probably shut down the student foreign exchange program, for example. More generally, it would result in serious discrimination against attractive people, as in, "I would never let my dentist husband hire an attractive assistant", etc.

They should shut down anyone who is a serious threat to the marriage. It is their job to make such discriminations if they want to avoid affairs and protect their marriage. So what if they "discriminate?" If he is attracted to certain women, then they should discuss it openly and honestly and make plans to avoid those situations. Having an attractive babysitter in the home is just such a situation.

So, this is much more than just the wife's feelings, it is about a recognized threat to the marriage. She is not having these feelings because is a nutjob, but because she rightly recognizes a threat to her marriage. A threat to marriage is to be avoided, not entertained.

Jamie, just to validate your wariness about this situation, many male affairs do begin when their wives are pregnant. I have been here for several years and have seen several affairs begin between a WH and a nanny or babysitter while the wife was pregnant.

In your case, your H has already admitted he is sexually attracted to this babysitter to the point that he masturbates and fantasizes about her. You would be CRAZY if you ignored that red flag.

So, don't let anyone convince you that you are a nutjob for being concerned, your concerns are very, very valid. Your instincts are telling you there is a problem for good reason.

Actually, his willingness to be 'Radically Honest' has probably just saved this marriage. Yes she is in pain, and he is probably kicking himself for his response, but the pain would be MUCH worse if this progressed to an affair - not saying masturbation leads to an affair, but there is a crack that has been exposed, now they can DO something about it.

How much worse would it be if he'd kept his mouth shut, and those 'innocent' fantasies progressed to more, progressed to desire, a desire the babysitter reciprocates.

Now a potential threat has been identified, and can be eliminated.

Jamie I would thank your husband for his honesty. It was probably hard for him to tell you the truth, and yet he respected you enough to do so.

Having been pregnant recently, I know that your emotions can go all over the map. What you are feeling is ok, and reasonable. I went berserk a few times on my poor DH, myself.

Find a new babysitter, and find ways to help yourself feel better about yourself. Take the time to get dressed up in the morning - it may be gone by lunchtime, but take that time. Find ways to destress, long soaks, naps, whatever you need. Get as much rest as you can. Make sure you are eating well. The baby will take what it needs first, and leave you with whatever is left over.

Don't make any life changing decisions at a time like this. Your emotions are going haywire. Calm, and focus.


There is one thing you can do, it will help rebuild what has been damaged and bring you closer together: spend time together. Ask him to set a goal to spend 15 hours EVERY WEEK with you. Date each other, court one another.


This is a disrespectful judgment. Thoughts like this will damage your marriage and damage your love for him. Was what he did right? No, but let him make up for it. If you keep holding on to these feelings, then YOU start damaging your relationship.

You need to learn to not hurt one another, and to forgive one another when unintentional hurts do arise.

Have you read the Basic Concepts here? In them is a plan to help you fall in, and stay in love with your husband.


I think you're probably all talked out about this issue.

Thank him for his honesty.
Find a new babysitter.
Make a plan to spend time with one another and meet each other's needs. Avoid hurting one another, and stop bringing this issue up. It seems like you both have spoken your piece, now it's time to let it go and heal.

Just to add: I believe it is ok to request that you be involved in all your husband's sexual activities. My DH doesn't self-pleasure. He has no need, sex is an opportunity for us to bond, to grow together. Also kinda hard to think of someone else when your spouse is right next to you. This means I have to be a willing participant whenever he wants any as he has a higher drive than I. I'm perfectly ok with that - some women aren't. If you aren't thats ok, just thought I'd mention it as an option.

I'm with Vibrissa, he did a good thing by being honest with you.

If he's left with the only option being to masturbate then his mind is going to wander to look for stimulation. If he's feeling rejected and hurt by you then its hard for him to think of you during those moments.

Is there really a reason why you can't offer him a hand? Even if it means all you do is curl up behind him when he masturbates and stroke his back and arms and whisper naughty things in his ear.

Sex should be shared, every time, but yes this means you have to be willing to share it with him, every time.

I also agree with Vibrissa that the way back from this now is to spend time with him, have fun together, if you still need to talk then let him know you're still hurting but you are working to understand his point of view and not to judge him. Read some of the threads here about men who have wives who won't have sex with them and learn about just how sad it makes them, and how it is an intense EMOTIONAL need not just a physical release.

It is really hard when confronted with something when pregnant. I found out when 6 months pregnant with our second child that my husband didn't find me attractive anymore because of my weight and was preferring to watch porn and masturbate than to make love to me. It takes time but you can heal from this and you can move past it to a much better marriage and understanding of each other.

And yes, lose the babysitter.

I think RH worked beautifully in this case. Consider her H not telling her the truth to keep from hurting her feelings. Envision what could have happened. H keeps his mouth shut. She doesn't address the master bation issue. He continues to fantasize about the babysitter...boom.

I think it's great that her H was completely honest with her and alerted her to this danger to her M. Now she can take steps to neutralize that danger.

RH is critical to a healthy marriage. Imagine a betrayed spouse not getting total honesty from their wayward because the wayward doesn't want to hurt their feelings. Same thing.

I agree with the wise women here. If you want your husband to be honest with you in the future, don't punish him for being honest. If you stop having sex with him because he told you the truth about what is going on inside his head, I can promise you that in the future he will not be honest with you about what is going on inside his head. Is that what you want? Feed the dog you want to win the fight.

I think also that getting rid of that babysitter is a very wise move. I also think that trying to help him have his SF need met, even if you cannot comfortably do traditional intercourse, is wise as well. If a spouse does not want their spouse to masturbate, then they must step up. As a HD spouse, I can tell you that it would feel very unfair for my DH to say "I don't want to have sex with you.....oh, and you better not masturbate either."

There are ALWAYS ways to meet each others' EN's if you are creative and willing.

From pregnancy until the child is... 4 or 5?

The base biological drive is for the mother to be "all-baby, all-day." This means LB$ deposits to their husbands are not made, and LB$ deposits by their husbands often miss.

A child-focused marriage is doomed to fail, a marriage-focused family unit has better chances for success.

Look, I agree the babysitter must go. We had an attractive young woman live with us for a few months and it was h3ll for me. You are not doing your H any favors putting temptation under his nose. Even if nothing happens, he will resent the lack of sex more while she is around. Which means even if he is "good" and remains faithful, you still lose by her presence.

But in the long run, punishing him for being honest is even more of a threat to your marriage. Once you teach him that honesty gets punished, and hiding the truth works to his advantage, you will have the devil of the time UNteaching him.

**edit**

lol...been fighting with my 6 year old son to put down the seat...I guess I'll choose my battles. :-)