Definitely an EA. I discovered about two hours ago.
Its now 4AM in the morning. I can't go back to bed. I found out by snooping previously secret undisclosed emails.

We have been working on our marriage a while now. All of 2010 in therapy, The first 8 months were horrible. But since September I've been inthe game. I wasn't a great husband, but I was "content" and I am a good, decent man. I did not see her unhappiness. I sensed something was going on in 2009.

The EA was definitely in 2009. And she has at least two friends and her brother and sister totally in on it. They actually made plans to take her out to see the guy. Really mad.

I am working so hard and making progress. I think her knowledge about the EA and all the lies that piles up is holding her back from getting in the marriage game.

So, what do I do? I need to not confront for a week or so? I have started with my own counselor in the past four months. (See? Another BIG change for me. I am really working HARD. And reading everything) SO maybe I should just leave him a VM Monday morning.

PLEASE HELP.
Help me with the next hour. THe next six hours. THe next 12.
The next one day.
How do I get through Sunday?

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. How is it you just now found emails related to a relationship in 2009? If she's still not really "into" the marriage now, how sure are you she's not still in that EA or another one?

I think you need current information about what she's doing. I wouldn't reveal to anyone what you know yet until you know for sure what's going on NOW.

Can you do more investigation and get a better handle on what she's up to?

Gosh, I guess so. I don't know what else to do to uncover more. But wow she lied so, so much to me.

This email account was her "secret" email account. I discovered it and read everything. Nothing with the guy. He never wrote her. Her friends keep referring to him as a fantasy. I am certain she snuck off at least once with the plan to start a PA. It may not have happened. She wove a big web of lies and her friends and siblings were in on it !

She definitely kissed this man. She and her friends and her brother went out purposefully often to see him. She was just done with me at the time. Felt empty in the marriage. I read no talk whatsoever about it on the emails past December.

PLEASE ADVISE.... shall I try to do everything in my power NOT to confront? Take a lot of time? Call my therapist on MOnday morning ASAP?

Maybe it's the early hour and not sleeping, but I'm not sure I understand if you think the affair is going on NOW. You referred to 2009 for an EA....do you think she's currently involved in any way with him or someone else? When I say involved, I mean email, phone calls, seeing him in person?

I do not think so. I have tried to snoop a lot.
She stopped using the secret email since our marriage therapy really got going. Then, all 201, she wrote a novel. I am really proud of her. But its hard because so much of the book was clearly autobiographical. THat's a whole nother thread.

I think there is no EA or PA now.

I have proof of an EA last year. There was a kiss for sure!

I know you are very upset. I remember what it's like to find out your spouse is cheating on you. You need to take some time right now to calm down and get a plan together on how you will proceed. The experienced people on this site can help you more than I. I'm sure they will be along when day breaks.

For right now, try to calm yourself. Don't do anything while you are so upset and emotional. You need to make sure you don't make the situation worse by being overly emotional with no plan for what to do next once you let her know you know.

I would wonder if marriage counseling has been going nowhere for all of 2010 whether she's still involved with the same man or someone else. I frankly think you need to try to snoop further to find out what's going on currently with her.

Hold it together for today. Don't do anything related to confronting her till the pros here can advise you.

I do think if you need to see your therapist for yourself you should definitely do so. This is a crisis NOW for you whether what happened is in the past or continuing till the present.

I am very glad you are here at this crazy hour. Just gotta hold it together all day tomorrow.

I can't breathe. Ugh. The web of lies they were engaged in.
This has gotta be a big reason why our marriage work stalled.

I really, REALLY worked hard on it since September. Loads of progress. But she gave up on me more than a year before that. So she fell out of love with me a couple years ago. Me working on it since Sept hasn't brought her back.

But now, I realize all her lies and guilt are a big part of what's holding us back.

Still shocked at the level to which she had enablers in her girlfriends and siblings !!

1 - Send all incriminating e-mails to your own account.

2 - Print them out and save them hardcopy as well.

3 - Get all information dates, places, co-conspirators, and lay out a timeline.

4 - Get OM's name, contact info, as possible.

5 - Get a keylogger and put in on the computer she uses.

6 - Install Flexispy on her cellphone

7 - Buy a GPS tracker for her car, inbstall it.

8 - Buy a VAR and hide it in her car

9 - Buy a separate small recorder and carry it with you, turned ON at all times you are in proximity of your WW

10 - Brace yourself to find out this is a full PA.

A full PA is totally possible.

I remember last fall she asked a bunch of questions of me:
--How can I trust you when you travel so much.
--I am afraid you are going to tell me about an affair.

So many damn clues !!

If there are no emails from OM, then there is another way that they were in contact, you just haven't found it yet. Have you checked her cell phone records? If it's "clean", then there may be/have been an affair phone. Might want to search around for one...

Do you have OM's full name? You mentioned leaving him a VM, I was wondering how you got his phone #?

Does your WW have a FB account? Is she FB friends with OM?

Well I saved some of the emails to a zip stick before anyone wakes up this morning. Not enough time to save them all. But its incriminating to her and the four people who knew. (girlfriends, brother and sister)

What kind of support network are they?!?!

Hi there, so sorry you have found yourself here, this place is a great source of information and support........
The vets have already laided out a plan for you. comfirmation of what is really going on is key, keeping calm during that process is crucial......
Don't tip her off and don't tell her about this site........this is your place to come and vent, cry and get support...........
Go to therapy.
Breathe and try to stay in the moment and don't imagine all kind of things that might not be true..............(hugs)

I have his name. I went to his facebook page. They are not friends.
According to the emails she texted and left him VM. I don't think he ever answered. SO she had to go to the bar to find him. Seems that way.
But there is a lot more.
Also, she was really looking at other men. Very flirty. I think her sister and friends are a web of cheaters actually. Just figuring that out.

OK but have you checked the actual cell records? If you don't have the paper bills, with many cell carriers, you can check the old records online. Have you tried this?

I realize all her lies and guilt are a big part of what's holding us back.

Well, that'll do it for sure.

I'm a bit confused, or maybe I'm not. You said they didn't know each other, she sent him e-mails, and left voice-mails, you don't believe he's ever responded, and she had to go to a bar (where she knew he would be?) to see him. So, evidently he's some kind of celebrity/public figure (musician perhaps?) and your 40-year-old wife is some kind of middle-aged groupie?

How'm I doing?

You are close.
He plays in a cover band at bars around the suburbs. Her girlfriend knew one of the guys in the band. They went to see them play a lot. He flirted with her.
Clearly there was kissing. And going out to see them intentionally, with her enablers, more than once.
I think the first kiss was summer of 2009 right before her 40th b-day. Then again I read about kissing in October.

stretch, do you think this is an affair or is your wife a groupie?

And it sounds like your wife goes out partying on her own without you? Can I ask why she does that?

You right that her affair <?> is the real problem in your marriage. You can't recover a marriage when there is an affair.

She came downstairs this morning and I looked at her and I knew I would forgive her. Its not an issue. We will survive.

But I am looking to the pros and vets for help. Fortunately I have already read a lot of Harley in the past months so I understand this a lot more and I'm a teeny bit prepared.

Church this morning. Just going to pray to make it through the day.