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Joined: Jan 2011
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OP
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When do you stop asking about details of the affair? My wife has asked my forgiveness and has blubbered on the floor and has prayers.. When do you go from not believing to its finally settled, we can move on? I am feeling safe now and she is now being affectionate, loving, and good our daughter. She is making crafts and music cds and love poems.. She is calling randomly alking if we just wasnt to talk. So what now guys?
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Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 6,352
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Man,you gotta stop opening up new threads - no one knows where you are in your struggle. Click "notify" and have a mod link this with your other thread on this board.
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Joined: Jan 2011
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OP
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How about I get some actual advice instead of pointing out I have two or three posts? That is why I came here after all.. No offense
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Joined: Mar 2010
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That was advice, pardner. People will have the resource at their fingertips to quickly review your case. Your situation may be paramount to you, but "you" are, sadly, one of dozens of folks looking for help, and those of us trying to give you that help do not rolodexes open with crib notes on each correspondant.
Since I am the only person who answered you at all in over two hours, you might want to consider whether my advice has merit. Or not.............
No offense.
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Joined: Oct 2009
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How about I get some actual advice instead of pointing out I have two or three posts? That is why I came here after all.. No offense It's helpful, Eric, if you stay on one thread so we can follow your story. It's good for you. If you start a new thread every time you have a question, posters will need to find your old thread that may have drifted back a few pages. They may not have time to do that, and you'll possibly lose a poster who could really help you. Stay on your original thread. For you.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Joined: Oct 2009
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When do you stop asking about details of the affair? My wife has asked my forgiveness and has blubbered on the floor and has prayers.. When do you go from not believing to its finally settled, we can move on? I am feeling safe now and she is now being affectionate, loving, and good our daughter. She is making crafts and music cds and love poems.. She is calling randomly alking if we just wasnt to talk. So what now guys?
In order to have a chance to move toward an emotional place where you feel safe, you need to feel that she's been honest with you in her answers to your questions. Also, it's normal for you to have questions occur to you, weeks or months after d-day, that you just never thought to ask her before; so that even if she HAS been honest so far, you still have a need to ask her for additional information.
I wasn't the betrayed spouse -- I was the one who had the affair. I can tell you that I begged for forgiveness on the very day when I first revealed the affair to her. However, I had not given her enough information by any means. Some things, I withheld because I thought they would hurt her (that is a common mistake that wayward spouses commit). Other facts, I didn't volunteer because (a) she didn't ask me, and (b) the facts were embarrassing to me. I didn't believe I was outright lyingt, but I was by no means telling enough of the truth. This is called "trickle-truth" (because the truth trickles out over a period of time), and it takes longer for the betrayed spouse to feel safer if this "trickle-truthing" is going on.
From one of your other threads, I understand that you've only known about the affair for a month, and that she gave you a pretty non-believable initial explanation about whether the affair was sexual in nature. At only one month past discovery of the affair, you have every right to ask for more information, especially since your wife was actually (if I understand correctly) intentionally dishonest with you in response to some of your initial questions. As you were advised on that other thread, it may be best to ask her to do a polygraph to put your mind more at ease.
Oh, and not to beat it to death, but it helps us to help you better if you keep your story all on one thread, so that folks can know better where you're coming from & what you've been through. It's just for your benefit.
Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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She is making crafts and music cds and love poems. Are you sure these are for you? It's not uncommon for a WW to pine after OM in the beginning.
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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Not to continue hammering the point home, but if YOU want advice, lots of people would be happy to do you a favor and give you some, but I don't have the time or patience to sift through different threads in different sub-forums to help you. So, if you want people to go out of their way to type and give you personal advice, you should get your story on one thread so they can know all the background and not ask redundant questions....
And you should DEFINITELY not throw attitude at a respected poster who treated you with respect, especially since you're the one asking a favor.
Good luck; if you merge your threads so I can know more details, I'd be happy to help. That's why I clicked on your thread here - to help. But I have no idea how long ago D-Day was, how old you are, what happened with the affair, if you have kids, whether it was a PA, or EA, or anything else.
Best wishes.
EDIT: Stumbled across one of your other posts. Has she admitted they had sex to you yet? They most assuredly did. Remember, WWs are not unique, they act very predictably. We've seen this movie before.
Formerly ConfuzedHusband
BH
WW (Now XW)
Married 4 years, No children.
EA/PA from 2/2008 to 5/2008.
DDay: 5/17/2008 - Separated 6/1/2008 - Filed 8/3/2008
Divorce final 3/2009.
Now in a committed relationship with a woman of character who loves me so much better and deeper than I ever dreamed possible. I had no idea what I was missing out on and am so grateful God gave me a free "second chance" at love and life.
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Joined: Dec 2007
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That was advice, pardner. People will have the resource at their fingertips to quickly review your case. Your situation may be paramount to you, but "you" are, sadly, one of dozens of folks looking for help, and those of us trying to give you that help do not rolodexes open with crib notes on each correspondant.
Since I am the only person who answered you at all in over two hours, you might want to consider whether my advice has merit. Or not.............
No offense. You don't have a rollodex?  I bet you still use an abacus!  I don't nave a rolodex either or abacus either and if I had an abacus I'm not smart enough to use one. What I do know is that your're right about not starting new threads. Too hard, too many, and, too time comsuming to look up every posters history. Every time I post this or read this it makes me feel as if I have been  for two hours.
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