I can't wax poetic and bring masses to emotional tears like Glove Oil's 2nd anniversary poetry :), but I wanted to mention a few things in my own way, if I might
Today is the second anniversary of the day my world burned into ashes at my feet. I really thought that was it, that day. I thought our M was over.
Well, it didn't end, and I found MB, and we're chugging along quite nicely, now. Yes, it was horrible, and the memory still is. But my FWH has more than earned his 'F.' And we both have learned a world of knowledge here on MB. I've stuck around to hopefully help others who are going through this terrible terrible act of devastation that is adultery. My way of trying to pay it forward, I guess.
Having said that, I want to post a couple of random thoughts as a Former (I like the sound of that
) Betrayed Spouse. They aren't original, you've probably read them here before. But they're also MY thoughts, MY reality, MY experience. Maybe you're lurking and you'll read this and it will resonate with you. Maybe you've been posting and need to see it again. Either way, my random thoughts for betrayed spouses:
Time goes very slowly when D-Day arrives. Healing begins very slowly. You may wonder if you are up for the challenge. You may consider that you are having a nervous breakdown. If that is the case, get medical attention right away. They say God never gives us more than we can handle. Read that sentence again:
God never gives us more than we can handle. You'll notice that the word "alone" isn't at the end of that sentence. God (The Great Physician) gives us ways to get help when things become overwhelming. Seek help if you need it because God put it there for you.
You might quit eating and get skinnier than you should. Shove the food in there anyway. You need the nourishment.If you throw it up, wait a little bit and put some more in there, even if you don't feel hungry. I went 3 days without eating more than once, so don't count on your brain letting you know that it's time to eat. The trauma you're going through will kill your appetite.
Post here. The people on this forum are not professionals, but they are your peers and as such are uniquely qualified to know exactly what you're going through. This site is another tool God gave you. You didn't stumble over it by accident.
Read the articles here as well. And don't be afraid to consider counseling with the Harleys. I've spoken with them, and they're wonderful, down-to-earth people. I wish every couple who plans to marry could counsel with them before the Big Day. I think it would save a lot of heartache.
Get some sleep. You may need medical help for this as well. You need the rest so your brain can function. No rest makes it difficult to chart your path and properly advocate for yourself.
Allow yourself to be okay for trusting your partner 100% and then having that trust dashed. Then NEVER TRUST THEM COMPLETELY AGAIN. What were we thinking, trusting someone else 100%???
In the beginning I snooped about 24/7, using just about any spying tool I could think of. H knew it, and knew I needed that for my own sense of safety. I don't snoop as much now as I did then, but rest assured that any detective agency would love to have me on their staff. I'll spy on my H as often as I wish. That is my promise to myself. H knows that, as well, and welcomes the scrutiny now. He no longer has anything to hide. (And trust me, if he ever does again, I'll be the first to know this time.
) Don't feel guilty if you're snooping on your spouse!
I have phone records, notes, emails, timelines, etc. from the days of the affair. In the beginning I carried the phone records around with me most of my waking hours, creating timelines. Don't feel crazy if you are doing this. And don't let a foggy spouse pooh-pooh your need to do this, even after they've come clean with every minute detail of the affair. The day will come when you are satisfied that you have all of your answers, and you won't need to do that anymore. That's when you'll quit.
I never met the OW. In the beginning I intended to track her down and beat the living [censored] out of her. I fantasized about pulling her hair out and then taking it to my H to see if he still wanted to stroke it. I never acted upon that, and I'm glad I didn't. Nothing positive would have come from it.
I physically struck my H and left bruises. More than once. You must not succumb to the temptation to do this! I substituted a pillow for my H and pounded the pulp out of it until my rage subsided. Do that instead. I am sick to this day that I allowed my rage to cause me to physically harm another human, regardless of what they did to me.
Understand that it DOES get better. Like I said in the beginning, Time is your enemy. It can't move fast enough. I would have sold my soul to the devil if it would have meant I could fast-forward through the devastation I was going through. Time will become your friend. I promise you that.
Okay, that's more than "a few things" sorry!
But I hope even one thing I've posted helps someone out there who is newly devastated and trying to pick their way through the rubble.
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