Up down. Ping Pong. My W has never bought into MB concepts. We get OK with my determination and then we stop filling each others EN and them bam here we go again.
Short story (other posts from the last several years)
She will not work a plan. I have been trying to fill her ENs and failing terribly. I have almost given up on it.A few days ago she told me again she wanted a separation and space.We had been "working on it" for the last several months now. With no success.
Because of all of the things that have went on priorly I knew to watch her and then I log on to our cell phone acct. Strange call Saturday that was 41 minutes to a long distance number. HMMM wonder who that is? Called and got a man that was elderly. Looked at bill closer. 1 call 3 weeks ago same area code. Called that number, got a mans voice mail that works with my wifes company.(office Line)
Confronted her and I could see it in her eyes as soon as I asked for her phone (call deleted)
She admitted it was a new co worker (boss) that she had been chatting with and talking about our problems. 1500 miles away.
I called him and he explained it as a shoulder to cry on as he is also having relationship issues with his wife.
My wife doesn't really have any close friends to talk too so I can understand this to a degree but Isnt this just the start of another EA? This is a repeating thing with her just as our inability to stay in recovery.
Is it time to move to plan A? This is exhausting.
Oh I found out the Elderly Mans number was his fathers...he snuck over to talk with her on Saturday saying she emailed him that she needed to talk and was having a bad day. (that she wont admit to doing the email, Says he gave her the number to call him)

Well, first thing you need to do is expose the living daylights out of this affair,..and yes, it is an affair.

Your WW has no business talking about your problems with another man. She should be talking about them with YOU!

Expose to his wife, his father, and the business. Look for him on Facebook, make a copy of his friends list and save it in Word, and expose to them, as well.

Your working a plan does not depend on your wife's working a plan, although she will need to eventually get on board with YOUR plan.

Do not get complacent with your marriage if you can save it once again...meeting each other's needs is a life-long committment.

Exposure is in plans and has been done to his father already, I just didnt know If I should. My wife says she knew it was wrong the second she got off the phone and says she needs counseling for continuing to make these decisions.

She will never get on board I dont think.

HOw I got my wife on board with it was present her with the POJA only .. then mention that its alot cheaper to follow the MB plan than it is for marriage counselling. My wife perked right up when she heard that there wa something cheaper that had a possibility of being more effective than traditional counselling. ONce i showed her a printed out copy of POJA she had this snyde look on her face and said. "Hmm ... this is a double edged sword" And I replied yes it is ... its not one sided. Then after that i started printing out one article at a time .. and sat down with her and read them and we discussed if we agreed with it or not .. etc .. I do not htink i found one article that had anything in it that we would disagree with.

Don't Pour it on when your easing the MB stuff into place when trying to convince the other spouse to take on the concepts. ONe step at a time.

But yes she is in an EA .... exposure will be necessary.

Never mind the father, call the OM wife. Of course your WS will be lying to you so you don't take that step. Don't tell her -- just do.

Don't do your exposure in little drops, omt. By now his father has probably already talked to him, and OM knows you're pissed and making phone calls. He will spin this to his wife so that your exposure will fall on deaf ears by the time you call her.

Get on the phone and call her immediately.

Your WW is distracting you by saying she needs someone to tell her why she is making the decision to enter into inappropriate relationships with other men. She knows why. You know why. The flirtation that occurs in those relationships is meeting a need of hers.

Have you asked her to go through the emotional needs questionnaire with you?

This isn't a POJA situation. You should never have to form an agreement as to whether or not one of you should be having needs met outside of your M.

Keeping intimate conversation within the marriage is a requirement for a safe marriage.

Ok got it so far...after exposure then whats my next move because I dont know what to do. Forgive?

Hell, no, you don't forgive!

You are putting the cart waaay before the horse, here. Your WW needs to EARN your forgiveness!

Tell us what you have read on this site - have you read the articles? I would suggest you get Surviving an Affair asap. You can get it through the bookstore link on this site.

You need to understand what conditions set the stage for this EA and put extraordinary precautions in place so that this never happens again.

If they work together she'll need to leave the job.

She needs to write a no contact letter that YOU approve of and YOU mail to OM.

Change her cell phone number. Make sure you have access to cell phone records so you can track who she's calling. Get rid of any social networking sites that she belongs to. Slap a keylogger on her computer so you can track her online.

Your work has just begun, my friend. Surviving an affair doesn't mean forgive and move on. It means learning how to affair-proof your marriage so it never happens again.

Read the articles on this site. Ask questions here. We can help you.

Background
10-11-05 ILUBINILWY
11-15-15 EA discovered Maybe PA never was able to find out for sure
11-15 till exposed Heavy investigation
11-21 Exposed
12-10 Working with Dr Harleys books with a very reluctant wife to adopt... Struggle and survived

5-14-08 NEW EA
6-1-08 Exposed
6-2-08 Back to working with MB concepts

6-10-10. I want a separation Im not happy
I talked her into working on us again and no work was ever really done. She refuses to have a plan other than whats her own plan. A separation.

2-6-11 I want a separation like I said 6 months ago (her)
2-12-11 this was discovered. I have been diligently watching her the last 8 months. She is new to this office 90 days ago.

It seems no matter how much we talk about protection and boundaries that she always goes back to developing EAs. We haven't been really working to fill each others ENs now for a year or so. We KEEP failing.

Guys I am SICK just sick. I know that I have also not followed the right paths to fill her ENs. So I am some what also to blame (not for the EAs). But as you all know its hard to do when the WW isnt on board with a plan either.
I have went through this extreme agony now for the 3rd time. I cant do this anymore but I am still in love with my wife. I sit here again in shambles and in torment. I will seek a physician tomorrow as I literally am shaking nauseated and not eating. I am a broken man.

I would not be able to handle 3 EAs, with possibility of them turning PA. I wouldnt want to do a plan A on her at all. She obviously hasn't learned her lesson.

Hi there,

Sorry to hear about what you are going through. My advice might not be the best as I was a WW. I think that if your wife is going to help make things work and stop her ways, she should not be talking about any problems she has with other males as she has had other EA in the past. No talking about marriage problems to other males, work problems, etc. Unless it is required for her as part of her job to talk to them and absolutely necessary (Even then keep it brief). I put in EP, I don't talk to any males besides a hello and how are you at work or to my friend's SO. I had few friends too but have tried to make female friends, not easy but it is done. If I have a problem I can't talk to my friends I talk to family and of course of BS.

I don't know what else to say but I think Plan A would be a bad idea and would set yourself up for more hurt that is undeserved (not that you deserved anything you have been through with the EA in the past or now).

And no you are not to blame! The decision to have any affair falls solely on the WS. The WS is the one who makes the decision, they can decide to stop it at any point in time or to put in EP. They can decide to have their needs met by their spouse instead of someone else. I am not trying to get all high and mighty like I am some great person because I am not. But she doesn't seemed to have learned her lesson.

I think you need to make her decide whether to work on the marriage or leave. And have conditions that will prevent it from happening again if you want to work it out, if not no one will blame you.

Sorry to hear that you are suffering.

I guess first decide if you want to work this out or not. Also, take care of yourself. If you do, then figure out what you want from her for recovery.

I love my wife and family. She is willing to work on us again as per her (especially since she was busted again) But while separated. I have already set my camper up close by and have had power etc turned on to give her the separation shes asking for. Something I clearly dont want.

My decision are not clear. One minute I want to work on us the next the ugly taker sets in and says I am tired of being a doormat.

Can she really ever change if shes not willing to do anything different?

This time is a little different than all the rest being she did consult an attorney via phone. That tells me that divorce is a contemplation from her.

This morning I told her I was tired of all this. I also refused to be be the runner for the kids anymore (is that wrong?)

She goes to the camper not you. Time for hardball.

She refuses that one Reynolds. I agree with the hardball because If I dont stand strong and force change I feel I am setting myself up yet gain for this to happen again down the road. Dark Plan b? I will have to refresh my memory. Buy every time this has happened in the past I am the one that suggests all the change and worry myself sick over it. Im so tired of it.

Do not move out of your home. If she wants out that's her choice. Make that clear to her. Tell her you want to save, improve on your marriage but if she's dead set on separation, SHE MOVES, not you. I can't emphasize this enough. DO NOT MOVE OUT.

Chances are she wants to separate to continue her A. Rarely does someone want to separate with no OP in the works.

Repeat to yourself several times:

This is not my fault. If she wants to separate, she leaves.

Repeat again, and again.

Have you exposed to OM's wife yet?

She has been saying she wanted a separation for 6-7 months. This new EA I discovered 2 days ago has no way of being more than a few weeks old as he was only assigned to her files 3 weeks ago. I cant find his wifes contact numbers so no I haven't exposed.I also havent called or exposed to the employer as it would mean her termination as they have a zero tolerance policy.As hard as jobs are to find we need this one or we will lose our home.Compounding many problems as I am a struggling builder.

How are you going to juggle two homes after the divorce?