Hi all,

I'm new here and wanted to share my story - I'm not after anyone to tell me the answers as I know they have to come from me, but I haven't yet decided if I can forgive and try to save our marriage or if I should walk away.

**edit**

On Saturday I found out that my wife of 11 months (we were together 5 years before marrying) recently kissed two work colleagues, gave one of them hand relief and had sex with the other.

She didn't tell me, I found out by looking at her phone messages while she was out, and I don't think she would have told me. She says she wouldn't have done it again but I'm not convinced.

I initally exploded, calling her all the names I could think of and wanting to hurt her as she has me, but every day since then I've calmed down a little more and can see that she is genuinely remourseful. She has explained why it happened - we've been having a rough patch recently and she hasn't felt attractive and wanted by me. The incidents were physical and about getting attention. I cannot understand or relate to that, but I know it's not an excuse, I know it comes from her low self-esteem and emotional immaturity.

So now I'm trying to decide if I can forgive her and move on together. I don't know if I'm strong enough to do that, but with every day I can feel a little more that I want to be able to.

It's early days and is too soon to decide one way or the other, so I've moved out and have asked for a couple of weeks to see if any new feelings and thoughts surface and she's promised to give me as long as I need.

We've discussed what would have to change if we are to make a go of it and she's saying all the right things. Only time can tell if she has the desire and ability to change enough and the same goes for me - I'm not going to take the blame for this on myself but I know I had a part to play in it.

My concern is that all the accounts I have read have been couple who have been together a lot longer than us. I don't know if 6 years is too short a time to have built a solid enough foundation to survive. We don't have kids yet, and our house should sell easily so there's no unemotional ties.

I don't hate her and I still feel love when I talk to her, but I know it's changed and I don't know if it's enough.

Any advice or stories from others who've been in my place would be welcomed.

Well, you guys are early in your relationship, why did she do this knowing that it was crossing the lines of marital boundaries........marriage is about living through the good and the bad, not bailing when it gets tough......
I would only consider this if you followed all the guidelines here, maybe spoke to Dr. Harley about steps in obtaining a great marriage, this is more for her than you......I think she doesn't understand how to be married......and what her responsibility is.
You don't have kids, so maybe you have to think long and hard if this woman has what it takes to commit to you.........

Conventional wisdom with a 11 month marriage is

GET OUT...RUN, DON'T WALK to the nearest EXIT.

However, what would you necessarily be running to????

I don't think this decision needs to be made today, this week or even this month. I think it's possible you can work a recovery program with her and end up with a better wife and better marriage than if you dump her (and your 6 year relationship) into the wood-chipper and start over.

All relationships have risks...2nd marriages too.

As long as you don't bury this affair under the rug and actually work a recovery program you MAY BE ABLE TO achieve a situation whereupon your current wife would be obviously LESS LIKELY to cheat on you than some imagined new 2nd marriage to someone else.

That being said...you aren't necessarily the most objective person to decide what is best for you....right now (post traumatic shock). Which is another reason to delay making a snap decision. I doubt you'd do it...but send her to us and we'll be able to tell you whether she's repentant wife material pretty quick. Bullcrap has a short life expectancy around here.


Good luck,
Mr. W

Hi jessitaylor,

Thanks for your opinion. This is one of the things that I'm considering - she is saying all the right things about change and we have an appointment to see a couples counsellor on Thursday (her idea.) I need to see if she is serious in her promises to change and grow.

I've just seen the thread to help newly betrayed posters and these are the answers to the suggested questions:

How old are you? How old is your WS(wayward spouse)?

Me: 28
WS: 24

Do you have any children? How old are they?

No children, were starting to make plans but I have told her if there's any chance to fix this then that will go on hold until I've forgiven her. I won't bring children into that situation.

How long have you been married? Is this the first marriage for both of you?

Together 6 years, married for 11 months. First marriage for both.

How did your WS meet their AP?

They were both work colleagues. She has ceased contact insofar as she can while she works there, but has started to apply for new jobs.

How long did the A last?

They were friends for 6 months or so, it only crossed that line about a month before I found out.

How did you find out about the A?

I found incriminating messages on her phone, confronted her and she admitted what had happened.

Have you ordered the book Surviving an Affair by Dr Harley? Have you read it?

I have ordered the book tonight.

Hi Mr W,

Thanks for this advice. I'm not rushing any decisions - the day I found out I'd have walked, but today I'm more positive so would choose to stay - either decision would be emotionally charged and far too soon.

I currently think that I don't have much to lose by trying for 6 months or so, and I think I'd regret not trying more than I'd regret trying and failing, but as I say, I am waiting before I come to a final decision.

I'll think about sending her here - I think she would, but I'm not sure if I want her on here with me. It seems that there's a lot of good advice and potential help here and would prefer to keep this my space for now.

RUN..........this isn't going to get any better, sorry. She was with "TWO" work colleagues with whom she satisfied all because of a "rough patch" in your marriage. OMG, please step back and re-read what you have posted. Now, do some brain work, think back on the last six years, anything peculiar come through yet? Maybe a late night or a couple of times where you couldn't get hold of her. I bet your bride has the morals of lady Madonna! Please vacate ASAP

Actually I only lurked here at first and sent my wife some links to a couple good threads. She started posting first and it's made all the difference in our marriage.

In my opinion, your wife likely needs this place more than you. Sure you are in pain and will battle with some demons over the course of recovery...but she is/was completely broken to do what she did. She has a lot more work to do to redeem herself in your eyes and her own as well. We can help her which will help YOU make your decision because ultimately either SHE changes or you are out of there, right?

Just my opinion...YOU will be better off letting her get helped here while you read along (participating too) than any help we can give you individually. In fact...if she's not willing to face the "judgment" of anonymous posters on an infidelity board I'd say you've pretty much got your answer about whether she is worthy of recovering with. She should be willing to do just about anything for you (within reason) to demonstrate her repentance.

It will be uncomfortable for her initially. You'll play the good guy to our bad guy (bring you two closer together). You'll both ridicule the MB program and trite terms like "lovebank" and "poja" all the while getting educated about them until, one day, you find yourself using them, getting the books and fully working the program.

Anyway...that's what I'd tell you to do if you were my younger good friend or son. No kids...you don't need to linger about naval gazing your way to see what "feels" right...get her registered here and get on with it already.

Mr. W

Precisely why I want her to post here. We'll know in the course of a few hours or days whether there is any sense in him giving this marriage any shot.

This doesn't need to be a 6 month proposition.

Mr. W

With no kids, Dr. Harley would recommend cutting ties. Especially with two affairs in 11 months, during your "honeymoon phase...

Kenmoore and Imstaying, thanks fo your comments. It's good to hear views from both sides - certainly will help me make the best decision I can.

Mr W, you seem full of good advice. I've sent her a link to this thread and asked her to sign up so see what you think, I'll be glad to hear your opinions. I'm not concerned about shielding her from judgement, I think she's fully aware how people will view her.

She'll be asleep now, so hopefully by tomorrow there should be a new member.

Ok, I'm going to formulate this based on you deciding to stay.

If you are wanting to stay, separation is the last thing you want to do. Trust me when I say that if reconciliation is your goal - unless she is still actively in an affair - separation only has the effect of leading to divorce. It's strange, but for me, my FWW was both the cause of the pain, and the cure.

See if she is willing to adopt this program of recovery. If she is, I suggest you get yourself a 3-ring binder and a hole punch.

Print out the Coping with infidelity articles, starting here;

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5059_qa.html

Read them together, and file them in your new "Marriage Builders" Binder.

Second, I would go over this article:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8119_friends.html

Because you two are young, a lot of this was probably built around the deficient belief that opposite sex friendships are OK when you are married, they are not. You (and I) have learned this the hard way.


She is going to have to quit her job, and if it is possible, you two may want to move away to another city or state.

If she is going to join up, she will need to start her own thread.

Berkley,
That is a great idea, bring her here for help, it will be great for her to read the stories of others going through similar situations and how you can turn things around in a positive way........
You will know if she is serious, she does need to find a new job, the affair couple cannot continue any kind of contact.......
She has some work to do in order to be a good spouse, but she is young and can easily become a better woman and wife...
good luck

Oh good grief - your WW basically broke what should have been a lifetime vow in... 11 months? With TWO people from her office? I can guarantee you that she likely has been assigned a secret nickname there now, and it's not a pleasant one.

I'm with some of the others here - walk. Otherwise ten years from now you're going to find a lot more difficult to leave, and she likely will take advantage of such a situation.

Hi there, I am the cheating wife, and I have registered this morning, and posted my own thread as suggested.

here: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...lat&Number=2477371&#Post2477371.

Thank you for all your advise, especially you Mr W, you seem to have a really logical way of looking at things.

There are a couple of comments I just wanted to answer in here where they were made, not to try and justify it because I don't think it's justifyable, but to give you some info:

firstly, regarding the fact that there were two men, yes there were but they were at the same time, both over a period of around a month. I know this is still worse than one man, but I just wanted to ensure that people were aware it was not one affair followed by another.

Also regarding the rest of our relationship, I have been faithful throughout, and I think that my husband will know this, and would be surprised if he even had reason to wonder.

I don't want to fill up his thread with sorrys and explanations as I'm sure he would rather keep this as for his thoughts and feelings, so although I will keep an eye on this thread in hope of some advice, if you could direct comments or help for me in my thread it would be greatly appreciated.

Berkely, have you been tested for STDs?

@MrsBHunt -

It would be better for you to post on your own thread instead of your BS's.

This thread is for him. Your thread is for you.

Holdherhand, thanks for your advice. I've spent a long time reading through Dr Harley's articles and they seem to make a lot of sense. I think along with the marriage counselling we're starting tomorrow the advice on this site is something I will definitely ask that we try. I ordered "Surviving an Affair" last night and will work through that.

We had been making plans to move to another city beforehand, but I don't think I can deal with that upheavel at the moment - all I would have somewhere new is my W and she won't be enough to keep me happy. I'm going to need the support of my friends and the stability of my home and job for a while.

As I've said here and MrsBHunt has said in her thread, she's going to leave her job and start a new one. We don't move in the same social circles as the OM so I don't see NC being a problem in the short term, we will have to wait and see.

ManInMotion, thanks for your comment. I will take it on board while deciding what to do next - it's important to have the negative views as well as the positives, if all the advice I receive tells me to work on it and stay then it's not a balanced choice.

MelodyLane, this is a good suggestion which had not yet occurred to me. I will get checked, even though I think it will be negative; eliminating any possible worries that could spring up later on seems like a very good idea.

I'd also recommend that anyone reading this does look at MrsBHunt's thread too. I've been brief in my story and missed out some details, so that might give you a little more background. If anybody would like more information on anything I haven't made clear just ask.

Keep the thoughts coming!

Hi again,

I had linked to a blog I'd written that contained a fuller version of events but hadn't realised external links were not allowed.

I've abridged that blog post below as I think there are a few important details not included in my original post.

As it's on the long side, please don't feel obliged to read the below before commenting on this thread, or at all if you don't have time, it's only for those that want a slightly fuller description - there's a history to our relationship too, as I think it can be helpful to see how a story began before considering whether it should or should not end!

-----

We met online at the end of 2004 and became good friends, although both of us had stronger feelings than that. I was unhappy in my relationship and as soon as I realised my feelings for MrsBHunt I ended it. While there was no physical overlap, I can't deny that my feelings were not present while I was still with my ex. I didn't want to go straight from one person to the other so we waited two months before meeting up, went on a few dates and fell in love.

Having a long distance relationship (200 miles) was the hardest thing I ever did but she was worth it. During the week I'd be miserable, not wanting to do anything, just counting down the hours to the weekend when we'd be together again and I'd be happier than I ever thought possible. I liked who I was when we were together. After seven months we decided that we would take a chance and I moved in with her.

The first year had lots of ups but also a few downs. We had so many good times I wouldn't even know where to start listing them, we laughed a lot and we were deeply in love. But I was still away from my friends and family in a new town I didn't know and that got me down. We didn't argue a lot but there was a fair bit of bickering and frustrated silences that never got explored or resolved. My low self-esteem fuelled insecurities about her past (I'm less experienced) and I didn't know how to address them.

But after that year everything became better. I made new friends, adjusted to being away from home and we were both happy. The good feelings lasted and wWe bought a house together and five years to the day after our first kiss, we got married.

But after the first few months it seemed something wasn't quite right. We were distant from each other and she didn't seem as happy any more. We talked about the problems; I wasn't the positive, fun person she fell in love with, I didn't make her feel attractive, etc.

We talked more openly than we ever had before and we worked out what could be done to fix things. At the same time I found out that she'd struck up friendships with people at work that made her feel better about herself than I had for quite some time. She'd put on weight while we'd been together and after we got married she lost it again. She looked beautiful and sexy and people started to notice her, but because I never said I'd noticed too, she thought I hadn't.

Things improved, a little rockily at first with a lot of tears and despair on my part, but recently it had started to seem a lot better. I've sought help from doctors and a counsellor for my insecurities and low self-esteem and am feeling generally more positive about life. This work is ongoing and I know I do have issues to resolve, if not to save my marriage then at least to save myself.

And I think that's where my original post began. I'm not trying to shield her from judgement or excuse her actions, but I feel a little more context may help people when forming opinions.

Thanks for reading!

BH, are you saying you were married at the time you began your relationship with your current wife?

Mr Hunt,

I do not believe everything your w has written on her thread. She knows you can read it and I suspect she is spinning things the way she would like you to see them.

Even though this is MB, I believe your wife is a freeloader and if I were you, I would not try to recover your marriage. With 11 months and no childred, I would divorce.

It appears as if you both have maturing to do.

AM