Hi there. I found this site a few nights ago but haven't had the heart to post. Found (yet again) items from a woman (a shirt in a bag with a note with a lipstick print on it)- not me - and this time I did more than get mad and yell. Well, i did that too, but I dug more first and found a hotel key card, called the hotel and had them email me the bill. Very hard for me was that on DD he had given me roses for Vday and we were intimate that morning. He went to work in the evening then snuck over to a bar and according to him had this one night stand with someone he had known for a few weeks. Interestingly enough I can see on a time sheet thing from his work that his time from work, to the bar, to the hotel then home was only 2 1/2 hours. Things haven't been good between us in a long while but I finally came to the conclusion that it did us no good for both of us to be a$$es and was trying to change my attitude. Thurday night I went to his work and waited for him to come out because I thought OW must work there. We ended up talking in the car outside our house for a few hours so the kids wouldn't hear us. Then he put off any more discussion until I slammed out of the house last night and walked my dog until 11pm.
Long story short he told me that he made a mistake and it was only the once, which I DO NOT believe, and that he immediately told her he couldn't do it again. He told me it was partly my fault because he doesn't "get it" enough, and he's sure I've been unfaithful to him in the past. Whatever. He has had other EAs, though does not consider those infidelity. I am sick at all this and I guess I just need to move from this paralyzing state I'm in now. I shouldn't be surprised, but this is the first time he fessed up. Sorry so long, but thank you for letting me vent.

Just curious, but how did you meet your BF? How did the relationship start?

Also, why haven't you married legally?

We met working together. Isn't that interesting since most affairs begin at work? I became pregnant within a year with our daughter but for a very long time I thought things were pretty good.

Scotty, I have never been happy that we didn't marry in the church, but WH went through a very sticky divorce and lost about 90% of everything. It was way worse financially than it had to be. It was always 'we'll do it someday' and eventually I think I felt safe enough financially, but not emotionally. I spend quite a bit of time explaining to my kids, my daughter in particular, that it's not the situation I want to see them in, but I also want them to have both of us. It's possible that he used that as an excuse for As but he always said that a piece of paper didn't change us as a family. Pretty stupid on my part, huh?

Portrayed ourselves as married - house, kids, cars etc.

Well, I can buy a uniform jersey, and portray myself as an NFL linebacker, but that doesn't make me one.

More to the point, though, is what do you want from us? In the sixteen years you were together, you didn't feel it was necessary to form the marital union that this site so emphatically and enthusiastically promotes and supports. (Please do not repeat the "I really wanted to...." excuses.) So, now that your WBF finds another willing participant in his long-time "play-without-pay" lifestyle, you suddenly find the idea of "marriage building" attractive? It's kinda late for that.......

I specifically didn't read anything about making any kind of a commitment to forming (or even learning HOW to form) that marital bonds we here have vowed to create/maintain/improve. What you did say was: I am sick at all this and I guess I just need to move from this paralyzing state I'm in now.

Okay. Leave him. That should end the paralysis.

thank you for letting me vent.

You're welcome.

Got it. Not so glad I found this forum now. I wouldn't have thought that on the basis of this one note you'd be able to form such a biased view of what our (my)life has been. Best I leave this forum as I have enough on my plate without this.

KCandthree,

The forumites aren't real kind to commonlaw marriages. Ask me how I know.

Do you know the CL laws for your state? The divorce laws that CL marriages fall under?

Steph

(common law marriage for 8 months )

kcandthree - please don't go!

There are lots of folks here that have been exactly where you are now.

Read up on what Dr Harley has to say about Surviving and Affair. He's really good at this and so are a lot of the folks here.

Sometimes things are hard to take and recognize because you are so close to the situation. It might take someone not so close to point out the path out of the forest.

Despite HopefulNC's snarky remark, she knows that Dr Harley views living together as a very different animal from marriage. This is best addressed in his book Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders. He has written several articles on this subject and here is the beginning of one such article: Living Together Before Marriage

Thank you Steph and Power,
It's hard for me to think that I hurt any less than someone who is "really" married. I've put my heart into this for 16 years and have hoped that eventually he would get past his previous marraige baggage, while still doing the best I can for my children.
I'm back in school after being laid off. Carrying a full load of classes and looking forward to becoming a nurse and helping to better help support our family. I work part-time and volunteer with hospice patients, which is very fulfilling to me. Since this happened last week I can't focus on what I'm learning and couldn't make myself walk into my last class today. Can't imagine that I'll have anything to offer my ladies I visit with in Fridays. I do plan on spending lots of time on Dr. Harley's articles and looked into his books online today.
Guess it's just one day at a time. Thanks again

And, Hopeful also knows that CL marriages are a valid and legal option in the US some of us choose to exercise.

Not everyone needs a marriage certificate to be married; 'Marriage' as in marriage certificate and all the jazz is no easier to get out of than CL unions nor is it any harder to get out of. My husband has the same rights he'd have if I'm alive, it's where the estate goes that changes with CL. But, we've got that covered through wills. I've also got the power of attorneys covered, living wills, and advanced directives taken care of giving him full legal rights to anything I have, but I've never had any medical provider question our marriage.

And hopeful also knows that shacking up is shacking up and most people don't agree with her. You can't very well expect to be taken seriously when you yourself don't take it seriously enough to get married.

KC,

Are you, in fact, in a common law marriage? Is there CL in your state? And, do you meet the guidelines for CL?

If so, then follow the advice here to kill the affairs, read the books, and build your marriage.

I don't believe in marriage certificates and haven't ever in my life planned a legal marriage. I've considered it after getting a stern lecture from my Pastor, but am still morally opposed and don't see me getting legally married ever. We've exchanged vows, hold ourselves out as married, met the CL requirements for our state, and no one questions the validity of my marriage. If I leave tomorrow I still have to file for divorce and could pay alimony, too. LOL

I am married ML.

KC, please check into the book Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders. There truly is a marked difference between a marriage and living together. Denying that difference is not the solution. Dr Harley describes a solution and path back in this book in Chapter 3, "The Buyers Agreement - How Can you Make It Work?"

That section gives you a step by step path to a buyer's marriage.

Believe me, if it had been just me and he couldn't bring himself past his issues I would have been gone in a heartbeat. I did not plan on becoming a mother out of wedlock, and at 28 I was standing on my parents doorstep sobbing that I had something to tell them. 28 ans I was ashamed to tell them I was pregnant. My alternative was to not have the baby? We do the best we can, and there are not cookie cutters for life. I would have given anything to be "trapped by marriage" as this article states.

Hopeful, kc's failure to get married is not a political belief, unlike your opposition to a formal marriage ceremony. Here's what she said:

I would be very leery of her husband in this case. He obviously is more concerned about his financial future than formalizing their union. That is NOT commitment to his partner.

I didn't see that.

Ehhhh... That's another story altogether, but you still have to divorce if you're CL (or you should, and if you have financial entanglements then it's necassary).

[quote=HopefulNC]KC,

Are you, in fact, in a common law marriage? Is there CL in your state? And, do you meet the guidelines for CL?

If so, then follow the advice here to kill the affairs, read the books, and build your marriage.

Steph, we are CL and have met the requirements for some time now. We will actually have to obtain a divorce in court if we can't get past this. A major hurdle for him was the way he had brought up, and some people cannot be forced into marriage until they're ready. I have children to think of who I cannot support on my own, and honestly - I really just wanted to make this work and prove to him that our marriage would not be dictated by what happened in his first.
You are a wonderfully supportive and kind person.