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Don't know where to go from here so many issues! Here are the vitals: SO divorced 2.5 years, S - 12, D - 8. Me divorced 8 years, DS - 15 and 13. SO is a very overprotective, Helicopter Dad. He does everything for his children and often engages in baby talk, especially with the daughter. I am very engaged with my children, however I give them rope to learn their own lessons. I have told him that I think his engagement with his daughter is not age-appropriate and that they need to learn the value of doing things on their own. He counters this with "but they are so young...". He says he needs to make up for his ex's lack of parenting -(I know her and while not my favorite person, she is a decent parent). What do I do? I envision spending our lives together, but how do I reconcile this?

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What is an "SO?"


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Significant Other - new to this...!

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I would stay out of his parenting altogether. A father's girlfriend should have no say in his parenting decisions; it is none of her business. That will only cause resentment if you interfere with his family.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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I should explain that our relationship is headed toward marriage and that we are attempting to blend our families.

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*IF* you were married, which you are not, the recommended solution to conflicts like this is to learn to negotiate solutions that make you both happy, not just one. It sounds like you feel that you should be entitled to enforce your OWN parenting methods on HIM whether he likes it or not.

That is very disrespectful to him and damaging to your relationship. A better solution - in marriage - is to agree on all parenting methods and decisions. That means he gets a SAY in the parenting of your kids too but that neither your methods or his are forced upon the other.

Wouldn't you dislike it if he insisted that HIS style of parenting was superior to yours and demanded that you adopt his style when dealing with your children? Because that is what you are doing to him. You are trying to "set him straight" and lift him out of the darkness of his ignorance by educating him. That is a disrespectful judgement, in other words.

The MB way protects the love in your relationship and protects both your children. From personal experience, I know that step mothers tend to be jealous of the attention given to their stepdaughters so this practice protects them from harm. These blended families usually don't make it because of issues like this, they have an 85% divorce rate.

How long have you been dating him? Did you know him before his divorce?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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How old are each of you? Are you both custodial parents? What is your plan to "blend" the families (note: blended families are perhaps the toughest factor in remarriage)?

Have you read His Needs, Her Needs? Love Busters? You might also want to read Caring for Children Means Caring for Each Other, also by Dr. Willard Harley.

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How to Raise Children in a Blended Family
and Keep Love in Your Marriage


Originally Posted by Dr Harley
Blending families in second (or third) marriages is one of the greatest causes of divorce. Very few of these marriages survive five years. However, I have witnessed many couples who have learned to beat the odds and create a wonderful, love-filled marriage. The secret is in following the Policy of Joint Agreement. (Check out my column, "You Believe What?! How to Resolve Conflicts of Faith (Part 2)." It is also on the subject of Blended Families.)

<snip>

Marriages with blended families tend to be very unsuccessful, one of the greatest predictors of divorce. You have first-hand experience to see why this is the case. It is common for each spouse to put his or her own children's interests first. It is often in an effort to compensate for the trauma children experience when there is a divorce. But when the children's interests are first, the interests of the other spouse and the other spouse's children are found somewhere down the list, and that's a formula for marital disaster.

However, in cases that I have witnessed, these marriages can be saved if both spouses are willing to follow my Policy of Joint Agreement (Never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse). In effect, whenever you follow this policy, you put your spouse's interests first, where they should be. (Read my Basic Concepts section if you have not already read it, with special attention to the Policy of Joint Agreement.)

Following this policy means that neither you nor your husband act to reprimand or discipline any child until you have reached an enthusiastic agreement about it. At first, you may not agree about much of anything, in which case you are not to discipline the children (they may do whatever they please). But as you practice applying the policy, you and your husband will begin to establish guidelines in child-rearing issues, and agreements will start to form. Eventually, you will agree on how to discipline your children in a way that takes each other's feelings into account, and your marriage will be saved.

Child rearing is a huge problem in blended families, but it's not the only issue in your marriage, I'm sure. Regardless of your conflicts, however, you'll find that you can resolve them all when you have learned to negotiate with the Policy of Joint Agreement.
entire article here



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Thanks for the input. We ARE in the beginning stages of negotiation and am looking for advice on how to proceed. Since we are looking toward marriage this seems like something that should be discussed before marriage, not after. His parenting was brought to my attention by others and while I don't require him to conform to my style, our differences have become a signicant part of the dialogue. I have not put conditions on my love for him and I want to figure out how to reconcile our different styles. Another BIG part of this is that he feels he has to protect his kids from what he perceives as his ex's lack of parenting. From everything I have seen, she is a worthy parent. Yikes...am I defending her?!

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I am 46 and he is 50. He had his children later. We both are custodial parents, but both our ex's are very involved, loving parents and have respective kids almost 50% of the time. We've been together over a year and known each other (casually through kids' school) a couple of years.

Just know trying to figure an approach to blending. Boy...it's tough! I don't want to be a statistic! Thanks for the advice, I will get the book.

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Originally Posted by bakergirl
Thanks for the input. We ARE in the beginning stages of negotiation and am looking for advice on how to proceed. Since we are looking toward marriage this seems like something that should be discussed before marriage, not after. His parenting was brought to my attention by others and while I don't require him to conform to my style, our differences have become a signicant part of the dialogue. I have not put conditions on my love for him and I want to figure out how to reconcile our different styles. Another BIG part of this is that he feels he has to protect his kids from what he perceives as his ex's lack of parenting. From everything I have seen, she is a worthy parent. Yikes...am I defending her?!

The issue I see here is that you are trying to get him to conform to your wishes and that is the kind of behavior that just wrecks these blended marriages. It is alarming that the opinion of outsiders is being given more gravity than his: their opinion is irrelevant and should not be brought up. I am sure there is room for improvement in your parenting too, so blending the 2 styles into a style that suits you BOTH is the solution. Dr Harley says each person brings a little bit of foolishness and wisdom to the marriage, so both your parenting styles can be strengthened if you take his feelings into account and vice versa.

Another thing I would think long and hard about is the issue of jealousy. Stepmothers tend to be very jealous of their stepdaughters and I wonder if that is not an issue here?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by bakergirl
Just know trying to figure an approach to blending. Boy...it's tough! I don't want to be a statistic! Thanks for the advice, I will get the book.

bakergirl, you have the right approach! You don't have to be a statistic if you learn how to use the policy of joint agreement.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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I have told him that I think his engagement with his daughter is not age-appropriate and that they need to learn the value of doing things on their own

His parenting was brought to my attention by others and while I don't require him to conform to my style

I have not put conditions on my love for him


Sounds like you have some very definite ideas of how your future husband should act. Perhaps it would be a better idea to put off the marriage talk until you've been together for longer than a year.

The stuff in red that you said you didn't do sounds like you really want to.


The one constant through all the years has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It's been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt, and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game, is a part of our past. It reminds us of all that once was good, and it could be again.
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baker girl,

I agree with your thoughts as I had similar issues with someone along time ago. What you are seeing is your SO's values and views about children and parenting, of which you don't agree. Nothing wrong with that, and i dont know what other ascpects of him appeals so much as to override this, which I consider a major red flag, and personally refused to get remarried to someone with kids less than college age, his values and views will be seen every day with the kids.

I suggest that you find a mate with more compatible parenting viewpoints, because you will end up a statistic as parenting is a daily activity. And yes, its better that you discuss this point and resolve it in your mind BEFORE any nuptuals. . . and not getting married now is an acceptable decision

good luck, you will need it

wiftty


Learning from your own mistakes creates experience, learning from books creates knowledge, combining the two together creates wisdom => You start with a full bag of luck, and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
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This to me is a huge redflag, and I would work this out before even considering moving forward. And as others have said, "working it out" does not mean getting him to parent his kids your way. That won't happen.

I typically dated childless women, and for this exact reason - the few women I met who had kids, our parenting styles were different enough that I knew we'd have issues to deal with, and I wanted to minimize the number of issues to have to work on. It's very hard to find someone with a similar parenting style (and have everything else be compatible also), and I think the reality is that it's important to learn to accept how your partner parents his kids, and have him do the same for you.

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I agree with the others that this is a big red flag.

In my divorce recovery group, one of the leaders has remarried. He told us that he dated for 4 years before marrying his new wife. All of the children are now adults, but if I remember correctly, there were still children in one of the homes when they first started dating.

It's perfectly acceptable to take a loooooong time to work these things out.


Me: BS 51
Himself: WH 53, EA/PA w/ RunnerSlut his "running buddy."
Buncha' kids. The two youngest are still minors.
Separated: 08/13/09 after 25 years of marriage
Plan D: Filed 11/13/09 Final 3/30/11
MC told me that he probably has a personality disorder

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