Wow, guess you really don't want help here.

Keep in mind that these suggestions are completely voluntary, you don't have to do anything. The suggestions we are giving are for those who want to recover their marriages. In the case of a child that is the product of an affair, the principle is the same, of course. If the couple wants to recover their marriage, there is no contact between the affair partners. Those that don't, live a life of hell and don't recover their marriages. They often deal with an on again, off again affair for years. Their spouses remain in a state of perpetual withdrawal. That factor is not negated just because of the existance of a child. Reality is reality.


A career change would cause more trouble than an ongoing affair? Ok. Again, that just supports my contention that his career takes precedence over your marriage.

And that's ok, Goomeri. It is your life and your marriage, not ours. We recovered our marriages. You asked how to recover your marriage and we told you. You can take it or leave it. I wish you the best.

Head over to the Parenting forum. A child from an affair doesn't necessitate Contact. It can be done.


Nope... A PERSON in an ADULTEROUS AFFAIR is like an alcoholic. This is because of the nature of an affair, because of what happens in the BRAIN when an affair happens.

A person who is in an affair's brain is exactly LIKE a person who has an addiction:


Source

Source

There is a lot of research out there on what happens to the brain when one falls in love. It is VERY similar to addiction, and thus it must be treated like an addiction. THIS is why Harley insists upon No Contact as a requirement for recovery.

There are stories here of affairs that restart YEARS afterwards, because of a chance contact.

There are MANY stories here about people reconnecting at a high school reunion with an old flame and rebeginning the affair. WHY? Because those feelings never really die, they just go dormant. Contact causes them to resurge, for the chemicals to surge through the brain again, restirring the feelings of love and connection.


You can pick the act, you can't pick the consequences. You really can't. The problems it creates are a consequence of his CHOICE to have an affair. Adultery is painful and messy, it ruins lives. That is the consequence of his choice.

He can either go COMPLETE NC, and all that entails - or he can continue.... seeing her every year or every few months. And at some point one of two things will happen:

He will resume the affair - and your marriage will be over.
You will drive yourself insane with an inability to trust him, every time he is gone for a conference you will trigger BACK to your Dday. You will feel those same feelings, fears and thoughts. You will never be able to move past it. And THAT will kill your marriage and probably your sanity.



This has no bearing on whether you believe in God. This is all founded on an understanding of HOW the human mind and body work. There is a lot of research to back it up and a wealth of anecdotal evidence to support it just here on this very forum.

It isn't just Harley that advocates No Contact. Do some research on the brain in love and affairs as addictions, and you will see WHY NC is essential.

Do whatever you want, but be willing to bear the consequences of your actions - because they WILL come, one way or another.

He CHOSE to have an affair. Now you get to deal with the fallout. If he didn't want to be a high school science teacher, then he should have thought of that before he decided to have an inappropriate and unprofessional relationship.

You can CHOSE to not insist on NC, but then YOU will have to deal with the marriage that results from that. People are sharing their experiences and knowledge with you - since it isn't the answer you want to hear, you are sticking your fingers in your ear and castigating us all for drinking the kool-aid....

I wish you well, and am sorry you're stuck in this position.

OK, I am sorry you are here and I am sorry that you are upset with the notion that NC is necessary to recover your M but may I remind you of your own words in your first post:

There is no reason for you to get snarky with MiM when it is clear that there will be ample opportunity for them to continue the affair.

Take the advice or leave it but there is no reason to insult people who are just trying to warn you. Good luck.

Goomeri,
You don't have to believe in a higher power but MB is logical, scientific, most likely to save a marriage dessimated by one spouse nuking it with infedelity.

Marital recovery is not for the faint hearted.....it is for people who believe that their marriage is worth all the necessary precautions that need to be implemented to save it and even THAT is no guarentee that both spouses will continue to follow the precautions and secure the relationship.

There is a specific case here that I'm thinking of where NC wasn't observed in the case of an OC. Guess what the result was? ANOTHER OC.

As you've been told, NC is the ONLY way to a recovered marriage. People aren't telling you this because they've taken "The Harley Drug" - What a disrespectful thing to say! People are telling you this based upon, yes, the advice of a professional with 40 years experience in helping marriages recover from infidelity and their own personal experiences. You ignore this advice at your own peril. I am sad for you.

It sounds like you are more concerned with PRESTIGE than recovering your marriage and keeping your sanity. That is your choice, you have been warned.

Your anger at those giving you very helpful and FREE advice is shocking and misplaced. You are shooting at the rescue 'copters. Ask yourself, why?

Mrs. W

IMO it's because she knows the advice is dead on and she is ANGRY that her life and her H's career are going to be forever changed due to his A.

Don't shoot the messenger, Goomeri. We are on our side. You said in your first post that you know NC is necessary. You were HOPING to hear that it wasn't true but deep down you know it is.

We are on your side. We want your M to work and we know it can, and that it can be better than ever. My H never thought he'd be able to leave his job (we moved out of state) in order to ensure NC. Guess what? He found a better job, better pay and a better place to live.

You never know what's waiting for you when you follow these plans to a tee. Please don't try to sidestep this issue. Besides the obvious benefits NC has, another one is the nervous breakdown YOU will avoid if you know NC is in place.

I've yet to see a BW who knows her H is in contact with his AP who did NOT have a nervous breakdown. The benefits of NC are indescribable.

Agree with MF.

It's really bizarre, your anger at us, Goomeri. I believe if you stop and take a breath, you will agree. Sit down and really, really think about this.

It's like you've asked for directions on how to get somewhere and then you are mad at the person for telling you the only way to get where you want to go is to take the Interstate. He tells you that he's sorry that the bridge is out on the road that you wanted to take, but you are still angry at HIM. As if it's his fault that the bridge is out. You decide you will shout at him and tell him that clearly he's just taking "The Rand McNally Drug". Naturally, that still won't change that the bridge is out and the only way to get to where you want to go is the interstate. But if you insist on taking the road with no bridge, even though he knows you will crash and burn, his only option is to wish you well, say a prayer for you and shed a tear knowing you will meet with an untimely demise.

This is very hard to watch, Goomeri.

Mrs. W

I'm still trying to figure out what is so demeaning about being a HS teacher. You have gotten excellent advice. If you are looking for someone to tell you that your H and his OW can see each other and maintain contact and "it will all be okay," no one here will tell you that. Because they are honest. When someone knowingly places their hand on a hot stove....the burns and scars they receive are not the stove's fault.

Don't feed them or they'll follow you home...

Couldn't we keep one as a pet?

Actually there is a God with a one-size-fits-all solution. His name is Jesus and He is the answer for any situation.

A lot of people here have taken the Harley drug and recovered their marriages. How does your alternate 'plan' stand up?

No. And you're not allowed to name it, either.

I think they name themselves.

Wow, so many more comments. I will try to respond to a few that resonated with me.

Tawandabelle, yes I agree, he's not Marie Curie. But his profession is integral who who HE is, that is, take that away and much of his identity would be gone. He's not a climb the corporate ladder type AT ALL, its not about status though my examples may have given that impression, it's about identity. I don't want him to be stripped of his identity. I don't think I'd want to live with him if he were. I don't think it would make me a nice person or him a better person.

But you're right - we are brainstorming. And my going to conferences is exactly one of the ideas. He has specifically said he WON'T go without me this year, which is too soon to put any career alterations in place. OW is in another country, but the one where many conferences take place. It will be hard for me to go with him 3-4 times a year (with or without the children) but at the moment that's what I'm planning to do. NC is only really possible if he leaves the profession altogether which I won't let him do (and re a later question yes he has offered to become a high school teacher). But with my going to conferences I believe there would be as close to NC as you can get in many cases, its always possible to bump into someone on the street. I know people who went to live in Beijing only to find they met their former roommate crossing the street there!

Happyheart: your questions:

I live in New Zealand. The EA was going on for about 2-3 months. We've been married nearly 10 years, together for a couple of years longer than that. We've had 2 miscarriages, a stillbirth, children, moving continents 3 times and a long period of my unemployment as well as each of us battling bouts of depression in that time. It has been a very hard 10 years and it would surprise me if we didn't have issues to resolve. The EA went deep in one way, but was completely unrealistic in other ways. Role-playing on his part. I found out because he was honest about his friendship with her and I didn't like it and we argued about whether it was inappropriate. In the course of that I worked out that he had told her things that were much more personal than I was comfortable with. When confronted he didn't deny it and has handed over his emails etc which I did not snoop on but which would have been evidence of an EA. I've spoken to her with H there and from H's face I can tell he shocked her at how attached she was. He thought it was temporary. She didn't.

I don't even know her H's name let alone his phone number. I wouldn't have the faintest idea how to contact him.

I should make it clear the HS teacher suggestion came from him. He is prepared to do that I believe. In terms of priorities I believe our marriage ranks second only to his own sanity, and I can't fault him for that though I can fault him on many things.

I have never suggested I thought it was appropriate he rub shoulders with her whenever he felt like it. They live on different continents. They work at different places. But there is still an inevitable risk of bumping into each other professionally at conferences which happy several times a year. Also her dad lives in our country so its always remotely possible she'll visit him occasionally.

For those who enjoy ridiculing someone who doesn't swallow the whole package go for it. For the 2 above, I appreciate the more constructive responses.