I have been divorced now for 10 years and although I feel I have been READY for a relationship for quite some time, I have the worst luck with men. When did dating and finding someone compatible and HONEST get so hard?

First of all, I find it difficult even identifying someone I would be interested in dating. It just seems so many available men my age are not a good match for me. And then when I do have occassion to find someone I find interesting AND he is interested in me, I get a couple dates into it and lo and behold, he's INVOLVED!! Either married or otherwise taken! What is going on with that?? When I ask why in the world he would lead me to believe that he is available I get a sob story about how unhappy they are in their relationship. So? I refuse to be the OW!! Period!

It just happened AGAIN! I text a man I've been seeing from a nearby town yesterday and his "fiance" calls me back wanting to know who I am. I had not clue he was engaged! I am so disappointed and disillusioned with the lies and the games men play, I think I should just give up and figure I will have to spend my life alone.

So what's an honest woman to do? I am frustrated beyond belief.

I read back through my post and wanted to clarify that it was not my intention to make any sort of general judgments about men. I understand that there are certainly honest men out there! I just seem to have a knack for zeroing in on the ones that are NOT!

Thank you!

I have no clue how to help, other than to be honest yourself in the hopes that it will attract what you're looking for.

Are you putting yourself in situations to meet the kind of men you're interested in?

I was on match.com for a while, and the best part of it was asking the men who contacted me about the other women they had dealt with.

Consistently, there was a problem with honesty - starting with the photos they put up. So, the women can be just as bad.

I only ended up meeting three men in person. I had coffee with one, lunch with another, and then a relationship that just ended with a third. The one nice thing about connecting through the internet is that there's some time to screen, so I was able to ask a lot of questions, and I think they were honest about their relationship status.

But the games are hard - getting to the truth of who someone really is - and I truly prefer more of a radical honesty approach. I fantasize about just handing them MB questionnaires to see if there's any point in continuing. It's not very romantic, but dating takes a lot of time and energy, and I don't think I have anymore right now.

Hi Sunny, welcome to Marriage Builders.

I'd like to echo and re-phrase MyJourney's question:

Where are you meeting these men, and how is it that you wind up attracting/being attracted to them?

Please understand, I'm not trying to "blame the victim" here. I really want to understand if there is some sort of dynamic at work here. This is as much about identifying what wayward men see and seek as it is about what kind of subliminal messages you might be sending (body language, location, etc.).

Something I learned about myself after my divorce is that I unwittingly, subconsciously seeking out unavailable men...I was attracted to them like a moth to a flame and the ones who were available, good men were unattractive to me. I did extensive reading at a website called www.baggagereclaim.com. Using the hard-hitting, in your face articles on that site, I worked through those issues and am now in a very wonderful relationship with an good, honest VERY available man.

Hmmmmm....on my way to check out the baggageclaim link. I have to make sure I cover all my bases.

Hi all! Thank you for your responses.

MJ, I am honest to a fault. I can't imagine being anything but.

Isa; I think therein lies the problem. I have recently met men on a dating site and maybe those places are just too much of a temptation for people unhappy in their relationships to "see what else is out there." I typically clarify upfront if someone is single. If someone says "separated," they are not a candidate for any further contact as far as I'm concerned. I even shy away from anyone that has been divorced less than a year and two to three years out, at least, is better.

Fred, see above. I have since removed myself from the dating site. I joined only because I have a terrible time trying to find anyone of interest in my town. There just seems to be few choices around here. I'm thinking I'm destined to be alone.

Brits, I will definitely check out the website. I hope there is something there that helps. I'm just so fed up with the lies and deceit I'm ready to just give up on having a relationship.

Thanks again. I don't know if there is a definitive answer on how to deal with someone who just blatantly lies.

Sunny, a very dear friend of mine (now departed) once said to me,

When I met my WxW, I thought her "prophecy" had been fulfilled. Now I know it was not - it was just a lesson I needed to learn.

I still believe it's true.

Sunny, I wonder if you might miss some signs early on? Non-available people act differently from available ones out of necessity -- they can't talk as freely or as often and they can't date as freely or as often. Don't be afraid to ask questions the minute something seems fishy. If they're cheating, they'll run, which is good. If they're not cheating, they'll respect that you don't want to be with a cheater.

Beyond that, I think your primary frustration is the lack of "good" men. I hear ya! My advice is to take a chance on lunch or coffee with a few men who aren't your type -- maybe too quiet, too loud, not the best dresser -- whatever normally wouldn't make your list. I know it sounds crazy, but I've tried this and it works! I learned that I was so focused on some external things, thinking I could never be attracted to someone based on their looks, for example, that I eliminated a bunch of men with great character and a lot to offer. I learned that some of my "deal-breakers" faded to the background once I got to know a guy. I'm not saying every frog will become a prince, but it might be worth taking a chance ...

Best of luck!

sunny,

first, the more dating experience you get, the easier it will be to weed out the players. second, the really good guys are all taken, the A team. . . The B team members are in the dating pool and that's a reality check. therefore, you have to look farther and wider to find a good match, and its alot of effort.

I did a date this weekend with a separated woman, but i also told her ahead of time that i was breaking a rule, and that I just want to meet her. Very cute, athletic woman, but not ready for serious dating. . . I almost told her that, but she knows that i only want to have golfing dates until she gets the actual divorce signed.

second, try joining meetup.com, and look for some meet ups in your area. These are group activities with common interests. Its easier to meet new people with common interests. However, it is a numbers game, just go and meet people, and then practice asking hard questions, such as "are you seeing anyone at the moment?" and watch their eyes. do they avert their eyes? do the eyes go to your right? if so, most likely lieing. . .

I have on my match profile, "must be divorced at least 5 years." puts them on notice that i don't want a rebound or otherwise. . . I don't get many winks or emails from women. . .

but i have had about a date a weekend with some effort, so its possible. . .

wiftty