FYI Markos, I am the breadwinner of the family and paid for the counseling sessions. Again...more assumptions about female gender roles.

struggling, my massive thread is over in Recovery, here. I tend to be a bit, uhm, verbose at times, and you have to wade through a lot of hand-wringing and b*tching and moaning from me...let's just say this has been a looong road.

In a nutshell, my A was with an old HS boyfriend who reconnected with me on FB. What began as an EA turned PA fast, once it got rolling. We had a prior history (something Dr. H warns about), so we did a lot of fantasizing about how different life would have been if we'd ended up together, that we were "soulmates" and "meant for each other." We actually only saw each other in person only a handful of times - we met at restaurants and had lunch on 5 occasions and met twice for sex. Our A was fueled by texts, emails, and in particular FB and online chat. I lived for that "hit" of another email, another text. It was my crack pipe. But while I lived for his words of appreciation and affirmation, thinking he was making me feel good about myself, in reality I was not feeling good about myself at all. I am in no way excusing my behavior with alcohol, but I drank to excess during the A. I'd drink a bottle of wine a night, parked in front of the computer on FB. Self-medication for the cognitive dissonance, perhaps.

When my BH confronted me with everything, it was like having cold water thrown on me. I knew right then that I had f-ed up. That I didn't want OM, I wanted my BH. I realized what I stood to lose. And I lied my butt off trying to keep my BH. Something happened during the first few months of R, I fell crazy, head-over-heels in love with my BH again. We didn't know a thing about MB, but he was essentially Plan-A'ing me. Meeting my needs like a champ. But I kept lying to him. I lied because I didn't want him to know the A was a PA. I could give a multitude of excuses as to why I lied, but it boils down to one fact - I lied because I was a coward.

The feelings you feel for the OM will go away, if you cease contact. Now, thoughts of the OM disgust me. There's no fantasy about how our lives would have been different together. I hate him for what he helped destroy. Chances are my M will never recover from the damage I caused, and the bittersweet irony is that I'm still hopelessly in love with my BH.

Anyway, that's my story - there's other FWW's on here that may have struggled with withdrawal more than I did. Don't be the coward I was. I tormented my BH with trickle truth. Listen to MelodyLane, princessmeggy, all the vets on this board. If you can take the 2X4's that will come your way, if you can hang around here long enough, maybe - I hope - your M will recover.

Does he know everything?

What does 2x4's mean? Thank you so much for reiterating your story for me.

Sorry Mel!!! I did a load of laundry in the middle of my post and missed your reply!!! But yeah, hands down: Worst. Mistake. Ever. Maybe some bit of that will make it through the fog.

Yes, Markos.

It's kind of a, uhm, smack to your senses? Saying, you screwed up, wake up, fly right?

For example, Stop lying to your BH and do what Steve H said and please, please tell your BH the truth about the contact with OM. And anything else you may have left out.

Mel does 2X4's the best I've seen!

No, more assumption about wayward entitlement. Correct ones, I might add.

strugglinginaz, there is a way out of the mess you've made. It can and does get better. But the first steps, often the hardest, are what need to happen.

The posters here are giving you valuable advice; whether it comes across as "harsh" or "unconstructive," or instead seems like just the warm and fuzzy hug that you want, you are being given information that can only help you.

You'll see the pain of betrayal from the BS. You'll see the agony of the repentant wayward. The harsh words should reflect the magnitude of what you've done to your H by your infidelity. The remorse in the words of the FWSs is what you should seek to find in your own heart for the actions you committed against your BH and your M.

It gets better, but it's not a cakewalk. NC has to be in place. I will try bumping a thread for you re: managing memories -- very helpful in nipping any lingering fond thoughts over OM in the bud.

Please, read through this sight, counsel w/ Steve, post and read posts with an open heart and humility. Stop looking for fights and personal attacks. You're only standing in your own way.

struggling, will you please bring us up to speed on your sessions with Steve -- Still doing them? What's the most recent activity he had you complete? Does your husband now know all the details of your affair? Are you holding anything back?

I did counseling with Steve, too, so I imagine he gave you specific tasks to do when you start thinking about OM. What did he advise you to do?

Mark1952 is/was(?) a prolific poster, and many a member - BS and WS alike - found great insight in his posts.

Managing Memories

Thanks Mrs Vanilla, I was just looking for that.

You're welcome. If you have, I don't know, a spare three weeks or so, you could read through all of Mark's prodigious posts. WPG says she's verbose, but I think Mark could outlast any of us...

Okay, I'll reword it: are you going to do anything about the pain your husband went through from trying to go through all these counseling sessions which did no good because you chose not to follow the advice?

Poor guy; you set him up to fail.

Just an excerpt from Mark's Managing Memories thread:

Actually Markos, it did do him and I good. Because he tells me that had it not been for the last 5 weeks with Steve and the knowledge he gained from this, he would have filed for divorce the day after learning of the affair. With the knowledge he gained, he knew that the problems facing us could be repaired.

Good point. I'm glad to hear it.

Question ignored again. *sigh*

I asked if you were FB friends because that would be a violation of NC and will keep you from moving forward.

So...are you FB friends with OM?

No Susie, you asked that and I said only texting. We are not FB friends.

struggling, it's really frightening that you were told by Steve to tell the truth and did not.

Have you followed any of Steve's instructions at all?

Are you going to follow it going forward?

struggling, you may have missed my questions last night: