Friends: I learned of my WS's infidelity on 1/23/11. No sense in saying how I felt as I know many of you are equally aware. WS is a nurse and had PA with a married doctor, 43 yrs old, three kids all under age 10. The affair thrived in the workplace and they spent at least one night together while I was traveling. A began as EA in Aug. and turned to PA in Oct.

Since then I have poured over HNHN and SAA as well as this forum. You all have been a great help in keeping me on the path of recovery but now I need your input. Pls allow me to give you a status report first.

1. Plan A - Have written and am doing Plan A for six months (till 7/23/11).
2. Snooping - Installed eblaster on comp. Monitoring email and cell phone activity (heh). I cannot read her texts b/c her phone is pword protected and can't install monitoring software. Lame.
3. Exposure - PA has been exposed to both sides of our family, pastor, and close friends. It has not been exposed to OMW.
4. WS - Took 30 day LOA from work to go home. Says she is seeking "closure".
5. OM - I texted 2/15/11 and told him to get out of our marriage. He complied. Called WW to say it was over. He has not communicated since then. They used to text, email all day. Since then WW will text him at least once day, down from at least 50/day. Her last email to him was 3/3/11. He has not written or texted back since 2/15/11. Wealthy doc w/ three kids...I think he's scared.
6. Positive signs: WW wants to do counseling and we go when she's been here w/ me, admits she is unsure if she can go back to workplace.
7. Negative signs: She is looking for apts in area on comp, continues to text and even tried calling him today (left voicemail).

Now my struggles which I need your help/advice with.

1. Sex - I have a very strong sex drive but she has cut me off. How the heck do I cope with that? Not fun.
2. Psychological issues (mental health) - Should I be concerned that she is 26 yrs old (25 when it started), only married 4 yrs and he is 43 and married? Also, she routinely talks about having kids with me... that it would make her feel loved and wanted. Also, an affair after only 3.5 yrs of marriage seems...troubling.
3. Emotional outbursts - I am trying not to have them but I stumble. I need to know ways in which I can avoid this LB.
4. Safety - I don't feel safe around her nor trust her and have told her this. Was that wrong to do?
5. Conversations - Some have turned into a discussion about our marriage and PA but they lead nowhere. How I do avoid talking about this when I really want to talk to her about it? (maybe talking on this forum will help eh?)
6. Counseling - It's not helping and I don't want to do it until she either comes back or leaves. Do we continue even if she wants to go?
7. Apt. Hunting - If she decides to move out do I offer financial support? I don't want to. I'd rather get a legal separation if she wants to do that.
10. Perspective - Ladies, what the heck is my WW thinking right now? (WAT's "alien brain abduction" is very accurate) Gentlemen, give me any manly advice on getting through this. Seriously dudes, I'm desperate.

I read to keep things brief so I'll leave it there. I'm happy to answer any questions you have and am grateful for any advice you give. I call you all my "friends" b/c the MB forum has given me encouragement and support no other could do, thank you.

P.S. - Humor is one way I'm coping so forgive me if I come across as flippant in my comments.

Listen up, Marine:

Why haven't you exposed to the other man's entire family, workplace and especially his wife?? That exposure is the most powerful weapon in your arsenal to make sure the affair stays dead -- which has to be Step#1 if you want to save the marriage.

Bust up their little affair-fantasy snow-globe, and you've got a fighting chance.

dude. i'm w/ GO. you HAVE to expose to his W. HAVE TO. cannot stress that enough. that is the most sure fire route to ending this. it will drive him away. do you think he will leave his W and 3 small kids to run away w/ a 25 y/o married woman? maybe of course. but if he truly cut off all contact w/ your W on his end, he is deathly afraid of being outed. DO IT.

and subsidizing an apt? fuggedaboutit. no. N-O. do you have any children?

my instinct tells me it will die. the A is like a patient on life support. your W is doing everything in her power to keep the paitent alive but ultimately it is a no go. it will take 2 people to do that and the OM, from what you are saying, is not inclined to do that.

and get ready for all the usual BS from your W:
"i dont love you."
"we were too young when we married."
"we have no future togethe."
"i love him not you."
"i love you but not in that way."
"he is my soulmate."
"he is everything i want in a mate and you are not."

and WTF your WW is thinking? she's not. don't even think that she is bc she isn't. i have a lot of unfortunate experience with that.

DevilDogVA - welcome from another Virginian to the best place no one wants to join.

You've already received top-notch advice and you appear to have already read up on the primaries. Keep it up!

One piece of advice I'll pass on to you that I learned. You seem to be a pretty smart guy.

Don't let that be your undoing!

Thinking we "know better" or that our stories are somehow "different" can spell doom for our chances of success. The sad truth is that the people here advise you not only from the knowledge we've gained from Marriage Builders, but from the school of personal experience as well.

Just recently, there were several posters who came here and told us their sad stories of disaster BECAUSE THEY DID NOT EXPOSE! If they could do it over again...

If you're truly a Devil Dog, you know what Semper Fi means. And around this place, no one has your back better than the vets of MB!

Carry on!

All: You guys are right. I need to further expose otherwise my Plan A is neutered and powerless. I'm going to write a letter to my WW's supervisor, hospital HR, hospital Prez., and the OMW. I'll do some research in MB forum on how to write the exposure letters, but if you have any advice on what to say I'd love to hear it. Also, what is the best way to send letter to OMW? Certified mail? Third party? I'll report back tonight.

S/F

stay around to get help through this siutation, I think the affair for your wife will end once the OMW finds out. He doesn't want her to find out, he will do whatever it takes to stop your wife, he has a lot to lose, the age difference, you wife will soon learn that she really didn't mean anything to him.....
she is still deep in the affair fog and that won't change until there isn't any more contact, so leaving her job might be a must........
I would send a registered letter the OMW has to sign for it, and leave your # so she can ask questions is she wants to.........Tell her want to save your marriage and hopes that she feels the same about hers....
welcome and marriages can be saved, be prepared for the truth, sometimes it hurts a little but great help is just around the corner for you..

devildogVA...Try to expose to the OMW in person or at the very least via phone. As far as the hospital she works at I would also do that in person. My wifes company wont let anyone past the lobby so I did allot of phone work.
Once I told the OMW it was squashed like a bug. They are now in counselling trying to recover from this EA.Funny thing I like the guy and have had numerous conversations with him. He confirmed more than my WW did. Luckily they had never got to romantic fantasy's as I caught it quickly.( EA was via email and some phone 1500 miles apart)
Be diligent in this exposure and ruthless.You did nothing wrong and you are just revealing the truth.
As far as emotional outburst and the like I can offer no help as I am right there in the same frame of mind. Our MC yesterday told me to make the decision to forgive but I dont feel she has made restitution so I have a hard time swallowing that pill.

I would contact the OMW personally, either via phone or in person. That way you can answer any questions. We usually recommend sending a certified letter to the Director of Human Resources and ccing a key VP and the affairees supervisors. The cc is important so no one gives into the temptation to throw the letter away. I will post a sample.

Developed by Brits Brat, board member and corporate attorney

To Whom It May Concern:

This letter is to bring a matter to your attention that may be a violation of your Company's Code of Conduct and/or other policies, procedures and business ethics.

WS and WS are involved in an extramarital affair that is taking place, primarily, in the workplace. Aside from the potential sexual harassment claims this situation presents, it also involves the inappropriate use of company resources and assets. WS and WS are using company time and company resources to further their affair. If you check the call histories on their office and cell phones along with their workstation computers, you will find the two of them are spending an inordinate amount of what should be productive work time to further their sexual relationship.

If you have any questions, please call me at xxx-xxxx. Otherwise, I will anticipate a response from you once you have investigated these concerns and taken appropriate corrective action.

Regards,

BS
_________________________

Hi Devil Dog,

Expose to the OMW ASAP!! Once the OWH exposed to me, the A was killed THAT NIGHT!!

You can't begin to recover this marriage while your WW is still in the fog, and if she's still trying to contact him, this A is not dead.

KILL IT DEAD. You have the power to do that. Use it.

Good Luck!

Was the exposure done in a trickle fashion? Did any of these folks confront your WW?

If not...
I would re-expose to the close friends and family the same day that you expose to OMW and to the workplace. Ask these folks to help you and to contact your W and put pressure on her to end the A & leave the workplace. Once your exposure is COMPLETE, make sure your W knows that everyone knows and the A has no future.

A couple other notes...
Do NOT in any way support her move. Don't take messages, look at listings with her, etc.

Lastly, yes, forget the counseling. It is useless until the A ends and she leaves the workplace...and when you do get to that point, make sure to use the Harleys or someone who uses their principles.

Hang in there!

Expose to OMW. The OM's head will be spinning when he is dealing with you, while being flanked by his wife. It's how I killed my FWW's A. I talked with OM's wife in my situation, and the A was over quickly.

Call in the air support: get the OMW involved!

OMW killed my wifes affair in two hours. And they weren't even married yet.

Get that done before anything else. Like today. Just call or facebook.

If hes a doctor shes going to threaten to take him to the cleaners, he'll throw your wife away to avoid that.

You're getting great advice from some vets here. I'll try to answer your Qs too, since your situation is so similar to mine, I'm just a few months further along than you. Vets, feel free to correct me if you disagree...

Everyone: This is great stuff! I'm at work so I can't stay too long. I AM going to expose to the wife. I'm also seeking legal counsel regarding exposing to the workplace. I want to make sure I'm not potentially liable for the resulting consequences (i.e. wife's loss of income). Any advice on that?

DD,


Definitely go with the exposure, make it swift and complete, do not give OM time to spin a web of lies to his betrayed W.

Give her the evidence you have, so when OM lies she can call him on it.

Given his age he does this on a constant basis and your W is likely just one in a long line of women. OM3 was a dr and both before and after the EA I saw him "out" with women who were not his W, he is now divorced.

You are doing OMW an enormous favor and all the husbands this OM would have injured with his next and next and next conquests.

I have no idea how a person who takes an oath to provide for the general good of society can do this to a young marriage.

God Bless
Gamma

It is not illegal to expose the truth and you don't need to consult an attorney. We have several attorneys on our board who have been instrumental in developing letters, tactics, etc. And of course you would not be liable for loss of income, etc. If she gets fired, it would be because of her affair. You would just be exposing truth. Many companies choose not to employ such loose cannons and that is their right. Here is a letter that was developed by board member and corporate attorney, BritsBrat:

To Whom It May Concern:

This letter is to bring a matter to your attention that may be a violation of your Company's Code of Conduct and/or other policies, procedures and business ethics.

WS and WS are involved in an extramarital affair that is taking place, primarily, in the workplace. Aside from the potential sexual harassment claims this situation presents, it also involves the inappropriate use of company resources and assets. WS and WS are using company time and company resources to further their affair. If you check the call histories on their office and cell phones along with their workstation computers, you will find the two of them are spending an inordinate amount of what should be productive work time to further their sexual relationship.

If you have any questions, please call me at xxx-xxxx. Otherwise, I will anticipate a response from you once you have investigated these concerns and taken appropriate corrective action.

Regards,

BS
_________________________

devildog, when you expose the affair, it is best to do it all in one day, in one fell swoop. Make up a list of family, friends, pastor, workplace, children, etc and expose the affair in one day. If you have the OM's parents information, I would contact them too.

Exposure is your absolute best weapon against an affair. While it is no guarantee, we have had affairs killed the day they were exposed. Dr Harley talks about it almost every day on his show. Today was no exception. Here is what he has written and said about it:

here

Radio clip of Dr Harley discussing exposure with betrayed husband

Nuclear exposure killed my H's A the DAY I exposed. My exposure targets were:

*my entire family, his entire family
*coolrunning.com, where he met the OW (I registered and started my own thread). Good news travels fast and before I knew it it had reached other running message boards as well.
*OW's school (she was a teacher)
*all good friends of mine and DH

Do this ASAP, you won't regret it.