First, email your questions to Joyce at jharley@marriagebuilders.com. Then, she will respond to you within a day by return email, and give you a toll-free number and specific time to call Dr. Harley directly during the show where he will answer your questions about marriage

I'm not sure you understand the 15% statistic.

When I found that the model I've developed had helped over 90% of those I was counseling, I gave up my career as a college professor and started counseling full-time. At the time, I didn't assume that it would save all of the marriages it seemed to help, because I felt there were factors beyond a couple's control. But after 35 years of experience with this model, I'm not convinced that it works with 100% of couples who follow it. I've yet to witness one couple out of the tens of thousands I've seen, that did not experience a healthy and happy marriage by following this model. Personally, I feel it's the only answer to the question, how can a couple have a great marriage for life?

But it's very difficult to prove that one model of marital satisfaction is superior to another. The ultimate test is to randomly assign couples to various models and to measure their marital satisfaction after the provisions of each model have been implemented.

The training of therapists is a huge problem: How can we be sure that the therapist assigned to each model was properly trained? And there's also the problem of representation and random assignment: Does the group of volunteer couples represent the population at large? And is the assignment to treatment groups really random? There's also the ethical problem of assigning couples to a control group where they receive no effective treatment. When they divorce, does the researcher bear any responsibility? Finally, if someone who has a stake in the outcome does the research, it usually shows that their approach is best. Shouldn't studies of alternative models of marital satisfaction be conducted by those neutral to the outcome?

My own personal experience led me to the model I've been using for the past 35 years. But that's not proof of it's superiority over other models. What I need is objective studies conducted by those who have no bias that compare this model to others. That's hard to find even among those who have published hundreds of articles on martial therapy.

But I can direct you to three studies that support my enthusiasm. They all deal with my book, His Needs, Her Needs, the popular application of my model, and the effect it has on couples that read it.

The readers of Marriage Partnership Magazine were asked which self-help book on marriage helped their marriages the most. In that survey, His Needs, Her Needs came out on top. I didn't know that the survey was even being conducted, so when I called the editor after the results came in, I was curious to know more. He told me that it not only was the top choice, but it was far ahead of second place (Ron R. Lee. Best Books for a Better Marriage: Reader's Survey . Marriage Partnership Magazine, Spring 1998).

In a national survey that I sponsored, people were asked if any self-help book on marriage solved their marital problems. Out of 57 books that were read, only three were reported to have actually solved marital problems. The three were the Bible, James Dobson's Love for a Lifetime, and His Needs, Her Needs (Lynn Hanacek Gravel. Americans and Marriage: National Survey of US Adults. Barna Research Group, 2001).

Finally, five out of six couples that read His Needs Her Needs were found to experience significant improvement in marital satisfaction (Julie D. Braswell. The Impact of Reading a Self-Help Book on the Topic of Gender Differences on One's Perceived Quality of Marriage. Doctoral Dissertation, 1998, Azusa Pacific University.

Granted, these findings are not conclusive evidence that the model I use is superior to every other model of marital satisfaction. But when you find one that works for every couple that actually follows it, you have to be impressed. And coming as I did from almost zero effectiveness to almost complete success, I can't begin to tell you how convinced I am that it's the solution to a very difficult problem we face in our society.

I hope this helps answer your question.

Best wishes,
Willard F. Harley, Jr.

When a WS refuses to leave the lover, there are no good options for the BS. At first, plan A is recommended because there is a slim hope (15%) that, with encouragement, a WS will make the decision to leave the lover. But 85% don't do that, even when plan A is implemented perfectly. That leaves two other choices which are both bad. The first is to continue plan A indefinitely, trying to encourage the WS to leave the lover, and the second is to initiate plan B, which is to completely separate from the WS. The problem with a coninuation of plan A is that it usually leads to severe emotional symptoms, including years of post-traumatic stress disorder, even when the WS eventually returns. Many women that I've counseled actually have nervous breakdowns in their effort to draw their WS back to them. Instead of making the BS attractive to the WS, plan A actually makes these poor women so unattractive that it completely eliminates all hope of reconciliation. And 95% of all affairs eventually "die a natural death." If you do absolutely nothing, they usually end.

So I've recommended plan B rather early in the effort to separate the WS from his lover. In your case, you've noticed that you have experienced a detached feeling about it all, even your husband's filing for divorce. That's the way it's supposed to turn out. You are far more attractive while in emotional control of yourself than you would ever be begging and pleading for his return. You tried that tactic already, and it hasn't worked.

Plan B doesn't always work, but it does protect you from the intense emotional pain that you could be experiencing day in and day out. Your husband may divorce you, but it won't be because you have implemented plan B. And if he returns to you, it won't be because you have implemented plan B. But if he does return, with a sincere willingness to completely leave his lover and follow our plan for recovery, he'll find a wife who is still sane if you follow plan B.

If your husband goes through with his plan to divorce you, he will be making the biggest mistake of his life. But you will be far less impacted by the emotional fallout if you are in plan B at the time. Don't assume that his actions are your fault. You have done everything you can to get him back. All you can do now is to protect yourself from your husband's second biggest mistake of his life -- his affair.

Actually not true. There are spouses who have successfully recovered marriages who never experience the other participate in any MB program with or without the staff.

The one who uses MB can on what I believe to be rare occassions, lead the other to MB even if that spouse never participates in any formal coaching orany other study of the program.

I believe the 90% figure is two active participants and includes cases with no affair.

Exactly.

Just because it's relevant to you personally doesn't mean it's relevant to the other BH's who come here trying to save their marriages.

Never said otherwise.


One can "lead to," but not force.


Please give me a citation where he excluded those in affairs.

She never has before, why should I believe that she'll suddenly take a liking to my questions and answer them on the air?

This isn't the first time I've asked the question, or similar questions. My questions or e-mails have never been chosen for an on the air discussion.

Actually not true. There are spouses who have successfully recovered marriages who never experience the other participate in any MB program with or without the staff.

The one who uses MB can on what I believe to be rare occassions, lead the other to MB even if that spouse never participates in any formal coaching orany other study of the program.

I believe the 90% figure is two active participants and includes cases with no affair.

Isn't this a bit paternalistic/condescending. I would think any rational person would be interested in knowing the chances of success before making a decison. Knowing the odds des not equate to discouraging someone. That is up to the individual, and being fully informed seems to me to be a prerequisite to decing on a course of action.

Didn't you just say the 90% excludes those with affairs? I was under the impression his 90% figure included all those couples who came to him, affairs, no affairs, simply couples who came to him to restore their marriage.

You question the relevance of my asking what are the typical results for a BH, and you mention the 90% stat.

Can someone explainto me how disclosing the stats on success,in any way,acts a discouragement to a BS contemplating undertaking the program?
I would think that knowing the succes rate serves two purposes:
First, it allws one to assess thevalue of participating. Second, it might make a BS whose efforts fail feel less like a failure.

I'm not playing cat and mouse, if you want to know, I've spelled out, in plain English, what it takes for me to answer your question. It's a reasonable request, take it or leave it.