I am looking for more resources about restoring the sex after the affair. In particular, how does the betrayed spouse feel? What about the wayward spouse?

In our sitch, the SF is is very fulfilling. Always has been. But reminders and flashbacks can be haunting. Its very confusing.

Stretch,
This just takes time, it's really soon for the two of you......just take it slowly, if it doesn't feel right, stop and try again later........affection is also great, just holding each other, feeling comfort............
recovery takes a great amount of time

this is something i've been wondering about too. we haven't had any PA for almost 6 months and i don't know how to begin. on the plus side we are treating each other kindly, something that never came naturally to us before.

married 19 yrs
H EA, separated Nov.
recovering!

A big part of it is "just do it."

A big thing to remember, stretch, is that SF is not only one of the thing that can be done with UA time, but that it can be the result of well-spent UA time.

There is also often a period of "Hysterical Bonding" that often occurs once recovery sets in. At that time, SF may become more frequent.

I can tell you that even now I KNOW what you mean about flashbacks and memories. Sometimes, even kissing my wife will send my head reeling down that dark path. The ONLY strategy I have, for myself, is to just keep going.

Stretch

Have you read this article? Not that this is really as issue right now with where I am at. May help you to see how different we males look at the ACT and females look at the EVENT.

Read


Another that may help with the memories is here

Mark1952's Managing Memeories


Hope this helps

nESRE

Stretch,
You and I are similarly damaged (EA cut off before PA), and I'm here to tell you this, as delicately as possible.

We struggled, we suffered, we cried, we held each other, and we realized that what we really wanted more than anything else in the world was EACH OTHER!

But okay, we've been together for about 39 years now, so how could this new passion and connection be reasonably expected to affect SF?



And that's ALL I can say on the matter!

This has been an area that I have silently struggled with since the EA D-Day. I didn't have much understanding about the issues involved in an A. I went through "Hysterical Bonding," where I literally felt like a dog in heat. But after every sexual encounter with WH, I felt alone, empty and sad. At the time WH was only admitting to EA, I wanted to believe him. But after sex the first time we were together after EA Discovery, I turned away and wept like a baby because I knew without a doubt that what he had wasn't an EA but a PA. Since He and I were each other's first partner, he suddenly had a new level of expertise that I had never seen before. His "menu" had been greatly enhanced. What he wanted was different than what we experienced with each other. His "rhythm" was not what I was used to. And how else would he have learned these changes but by being with someone else, like the OW. When I finally had "proof" that it was really a PA, I really did not discover anything new, it just confirmed what I knew. Both of us being virgins when we got together was something that I regarded as really unique and special. I literally have mourned the fact that we can no longer claim this exclusivity.

I hope that if we are lucky to make it to Recovery, I can work through the issues that I have.

We have had some great SF since Exposure day. But we're learning new things about each other and it can be painful.

She says:
"Sometimes I (W) will use sex."
"I was rewarding you."
"80pct of the time I am eager to get it over with."
"I admit that, sometimes the OM crossed my mind during."
"Willing to use sex as a reward or a tool."
"Less important to me and less special than it is to you. Its an intimate, connection, big deal to hubby. To me, not so much."

This was the kicker:
"I admit, sometimes during the EA I used it when I felt guilty or when I thought you were suspicious. I gave you more."

And then, I realized that several specific times in the past year when I know she was particularly guilty was when I would get a particular "special" SF act. Yuck! I feel so totally used and abused.

Well, I wanted O&H. That's some serious O&H that I got.

Stretch, how long have you been in recovery?

Some of this may be O&H, but I'll bet dollars-to-dimes that 90% of fog speak.

It really does depend, though.

Statistically speaking, WW's are less likely to be remorseful than WH's.

I wouldn't say we are in recovery yet. We are in Plan A. she is not committed to the M yet. Will not put her ring on for more than a year.

See my signature. DDay 1-30. Exposure 2-7.

I am sure I am messing up Plan A from time to time, but I can't do plan doormat. That's unattractive. Gotta be honest. No DJ LB's. But this fog speak hurts. It does. And I just could not give in to SF last night. Maybe I shouldn't have been explicit... just said, "I am feeling uncomfortable... don't want to tonight after all."

Yeah, there isn't much remorse from WW. That's typical. Because she left the M mentally. Really left me. And now its hard to see the Stretch 2.0 man and come back.

That, my friend, is the stick of Plan A. The consequence of HER INFIDELITY is that her husband may not have a sexual interest in her adulterous behind.

I've BEEN THERE. It's a REAL BIG eye opener for the WW. In fact, it's kind of a fog-breaker.

"You mean he actually has EMOTIONAL INVOLVEMENT in SF? Aw, sh$%... WHAT DID I DO?"

It breaks the "piece-of-meat" or chore justification.

It sounds like sex has much different significance to you than to her. I imagine a relationship with someone that is so completely different in this area would be exceedingly lonely and unfulfilling. Especially unappealing is her attitude that she can"reward" you or placate you through sex(very insulting/condescending), in additon to having used it as a tool for subterfuge during the affair.
I cannot imagine how you can deal with this, absent a lobotomy.

Its fogspeak Lars. she rewrote her feelings and memory of our history to make herself believe it was such a chore and unfulfilling for her.

Its not. I have deep emotional involvement in sex (she probably didn't think that because of immaturity or uncaring, insensitive behavior over the years.) But I have always been deeply emotional about sex. I never "fooled around" or got callous through one night stands in college and so forth. Never got out there and had sex for sport like so many do in college.

My wife was my first. I was her like... umpteenth partner. And that's something we swept under the carpet for 15+ years.

Marital Reallignment brings out all kinds of trecherous stuff.

Anyway, she does enjoy my SF and can sometimes admit it. She is touched that I feel its deep and special. She says from the beginning she could tell this was love making like she hadn't really had since first ILY BF. She also didn't know much about sex despite all the worthless partners and we learned a whole lot together.

So its special. She just has denials and stories built up to protect her fogbrain right now.

That, my friend, is the stick of Plan A. The consequence of HER INFIDELITY is that her husband may not have a sexual interest in her adulterous behind.

I've BEEN THERE. It's a REAL BIG eye opener for the WW. In fact, it's kind of a fog-breaker.

"You mean he actually has EMOTIONAL INVOLVEMENT in SF? Aw, sh$%... WHAT DID I DO?"

It breaks the "piece-of-meat" or chore justification.

[/quote]

Excellent observation. Yes! Your BH is actually emotionally involved in the SF !!! Holy cow! Her point of view during the EA was (she shared this with me) "There was hardly any physical spark, but I was willing to use sex if I could have more of his time." Willing to "use" sex to get more Conversation. Put that one in the HN/HN EN logbook.

That hurts! Cannot take away my hurt feelings. Ow it hurts badly.

Fog speak? Well, all right.But I wonder if one can unring a bell. Once she says something like that, it must be hard to "unbelieve" it, eh?
Why do they say stuff like this if they hope to reconcile?

There are tons of examples of this wayward wife fogspeak. They all say the same things. Someone has a thread to bump called : "Inside the Wayward Mind." They make up revisionist history of the marriage.

Our MC even called WW on it. "You are a storyteller. You really had to make up those stories didn't you."

Yep, she is punishing you for killing her affair.

Stay strong and do not let her to speak that way to you - there must be other possibilities.

"Sometimes I (W) will use sex."
"I was rewarding you."
"80pct of the time I am eager to get it over with."
"I admit that, sometimes the OM crossed my mind during."
"Willing to use sex as a reward or a tool."
"Less important to me and less special than it is to you. Its an intimate, connection, big deal to hubby. To me, not so much."
"I admit, sometimes during the EA I used it when I felt guilty or when I thought you were suspicious. I gave you more."

Yup, each and every one of these things is a (painful?) admission by FWW of her previous malicious acts as the two of you were on your path to "Strainedmarriageville". Each of them was painful to hear, I would bet.

Where's you list, pal?

Lay it out for us, right here - all the mental/emotional ploys and tactics you employed over the years to hurt/deny/embarrass/demean the woman you were married to.

After you honestly self-examine, and pour out your inner feelings, and make yourself as vulnerable as you've ever been, hoping that we here will note and appreciate that your doing so is an act of faith that what WAS will never again BE, all of us out here will nod sagely and say, sweetly:

"YOU DID THAT? GET OUT OF MY BED - I CAN'T BRING MYSELF TO TOUCH YOU!"

You blew it, big time, Stretch. You demonstrated a startling lack of maturity and forbearance, instead reverting to a twelve-year-old's pouty, "Yeah, but YESTERDAY you......" Instead of big-boy pants, we see you in Dr. Denton's, with the seat flap pulled down.

O&H DEMANDS TRUST. You supplied retaliation. You judged her actions of the past in light of the ideal relationship you want in the future. You did not have that relationship back then - you've hinted at that to us yourself.

You better back-water your little canoe, Hiawatha - you're headed for a serious cataract.

I don't think he "blew it". That's unfair. After her recent behavior, he felt safe to share what he was feeling, what a concept. She blew it by walking away--that's immaturity! He needs to let her know this isn't written in stone, he wants to move forward with her, but a couple needs to receive each other's concerns/fears or it'll get all stuffed down and lead down the wrong path again.

No one should ever be punished for sharing their feelings!

No one should ever be punished for sharing their feelings!

?????

If you're referring to Stretch's reaction to his wife's admissions - thanx for supporting my position.

If you're somehow referring to my admonishment of Stretch's poor choice of action - you gotta be kidding me if you think I'm "punishing" him!

If you're talking about his FWW's action of leaving the area after Stretch rejected (retracted?) the opportunity of some healing SF - I doubt that that was her intention. Fleeing from emabarrassment and humiliation is not punishment.