I have tried writing this numerous times, and its just so hard. I'm not new to the site, but am new to posting on the forums, having only posted twice back in 2006 on a joint acct with my husband.

Instead of trying to put in too much info, I will attempt just a time line of sorts this time.

Married 12/94
Separated 10/09
I am 51 (wife) he is 45 (WH)
We have one DD, now 15, and I have 1 DD 25, and 1 DS 27 from previous marriage. The 25 DD is the mother to my only grandson, born the week I moved out.

Known cyber affairs (all his), 2002, 2004-2006, 2007, 2009. God only knows how many I did not know about.

I am disabled, have been since 2005, and have had since 2004, four major surgeries, including two neck (plate from T1-C3 now), a hysterectomy, and last summer one on my shoulder for a shredded rotator cuff. Numerous tests, doctors, medications, etc in the process of diagnosing all this stuff, and a final positive diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis in 2005 after being a possibility since 2002. I was put out of work on disability in June 2005, diagnosed in August 2005, approved by SS disability in April 2006 on my first attempt.

I have permanent spinal cord damage from the initial neck surgery, had choked in 2002 and in had it not been for a fast thinking co-worker I'm sure that would have been the end of me, all I remember was seeing him look over as I passed out, then coughing, and coughing, for what they tell me was about five minutes of trying to catch my breath. (it was a mushroom, and they were able to dislodge it finally, but I'd already passed out. It took two years to diagnose the herniated disk, which had my spinal cord over half compressed at the time of discovery. (I did not present with usual symptoms, everything showed in my leg, not arms and the original diagnosis was possible Multiple Sclerosis). The surgeon was flabbergasted that I actually walked into his office. I was working up until the night before that appointment on a job I started the day after choking, working stock. I had about a year of good health after that before the MS kicked in and was positively diagnosed.

His mother has lived with us most of our marriage, except for the times after I kicked her out in 2004 and again in 2007. He moved her back in after the first time on my birthday after my begging him not to, when I went out on disability, with the reason being it 'was not fair to expect him to work all day and come home to take care of me and the house and our daughter'. She never once in 18 months living there that time, did a single thing to help take care of the house, did not pay rent or anything, and I kicked her out the last time after discovering the 2007 cyber affair. She was actually packing up my stuff to make it easier for me to move out, which is when I kicked her out. (she is only 11 years older than I am).

I honestly felt that she was the 'other woman' in our marriage that was a much larger problem than any cyber affair bimbo could be. They have a bond that is not normal, we could go shopping and people would think she was the wife and I was a sister or something. They would walk ahead, leaving me to cope with getting anywhere on my own, he shared everything with her, etc. I am still mobile, although not for very far, have no way of getting around for any kind of distance (no scooter and no car).

I spent quite a bit of time in 2005-2006 talking with a counselor through the EAP program at his job, and in face to face counseling, for both the problems in the marriage, and in ways for me to learn to deal with her, as well as my disability.

We tried working through out problems through this site information, back in 2005 and again in 2007 after I kicked her out (that's really 2008 since she left the day after Christmas). I found the site, he agreed to give it a shot...but I honestly don't think either of us gave it a good try, me for lack of ways to remove him from the cyber stuff and also because of considering her as more of a threat and not possible to get rid of his mother as it is another woman. He more as an attempt to keep me from filing divorce than in a desire to really fix anything. That was the first try. The second try he found fault in everything on the site, especially the policy of joint agreement.

After the failed attempt in 2007/8, we finally reached a point where we just agreed to disagree and live together separately but together. At the time we both agreed to disagree, I had spent the previous month repainting the master bedroom after his mom moved out, in the hopes that we could get our marriage back on track without my having to go up and down stairs. It took me the entire month to repaint that room, something that would of taken me a day when I was healthy. Just to be told in the end he was staying upstairs, knowing how difficult it was for me to get up there.

In the time we lived separately but together in 2008-2009, he wracked up about $40,000 in credit card debt. When I knew without a doubt we were going to have to file bankruptcy to get out from under the house (more cc debt in a refinance when I went out on disability), I started to look for 3 bedroom apartments. It was in that last argument we had that the decision was made that I was looking for a 2 bdrm for myself and our daughter, he would move in with his mom when the house went back to the bank.

Medical insurance has been a huge issue for me, losing it was not something I could do with my health issues and was a big reason I did not leave after the discoveries from 2004 on. During that last fight, I asked him if he was having another cyber affair, and he denied it saying he had learned his lesson and was not stupid enough to give me grounds for divorce, he would wait until he was free to do what he wanted before getting involved again. Needless to say, it was a lie. Interesting enough, it was the only time he said anything that I honestly believed was the truth. (that convincing).

The week I moved out, my older daughter had her son, spending three days in the hospital getting induced. It was when the baby's father and I went to get food one night that my purse dumped over in the car and in the process of picking up the junk in it that spilled out, he handed me a phone and said, here's your phone. I was driving my husbands car at the time, he took a few days off work. It was not my phone, it was what has been referred to since as his 'sex phone'. I never let on that I had it, and to this day I still do, although my lawyer knows about it. That same week, after I got home, I immediately logged on my computer, and into his email account, where I found more stuff, namely pictures and a movie he made of himself that he sent to someone.

We have been separated now since 10/09 and in this state, you can file for divorce after one year. I expected him to file as soon as possibly, but he did not. For the past year (up until about 2 months ago) he continued to use the joint checking account, where I transferred the money he paid me, in child/spousal support, that he offered to pay. It was never my intent to accept that price, but I never had the money for a lawyer to go to court for more. He also failed to change his tax withholding at work, so had gone that full year still filing married 1 dependent, and when he did his taxes, found he owed a lot this year. Since I owed nothing, I offered to let him see what it would be filing joint, in which case it was a 2k refund, so with the promise that I got federal, he could have state, I let him file joint. (He would have paid 1k if not). He was not at all happy about it, but I used the excuse that I would use the money to get a car. (Right...a car these days that runs for 2k? Get real). I knew where that money was going...straight to a lawyer, and it has.

He called me on his bday (the 4th) and said he talked to a lawyer and was going to file uncontested papers, having discovered it was costing more than he thought, he told me he would have the papers done at the end of this month when he paid off the rest. I told him I would make an appointment when I got the papers to have a lawyer go over them before I signed, and he got very angry at that. Even our daughter was very angry with me, wanting to know why I did not trust her dad not to hurt me. Duh.

Why? Aside from all the previous stuff, he informed me at Thanksgiving he was changing insurance with his job and would not be putting me on the new policy since we would be divorced this year anyway and it would save him a few bucks a month. That few bucks he is saving is going to cost him dearly.

Needless to say, we are filing hopefully first, with grounds, and asking in part that he re-instate my insurance until the divorce is final. He is not going to be happy when he finds out. In fact, he will be livid. I am not afraid of him physically, he wouldn't dare touch me, and emotionally, he can not hurt me any more than he has in the past.

Up until he told me he was dropping my insurance, we had gotten along, far better than when we were together. Back in may I asked him if he thought it would be at all possible to just live together yet separately, and that started a month long period of time where we started to see each other again just to test the waters. It was during this time he told me of his desire to experiment with master/slave stuff, and I realized then just how far he had gone on this sex stuff. There is nothing in the world I can do to compete with that. Even if the desire to try to fulfill his needs was there, the physical ability of what he wanted is not.

We pretty much stopped talking at all then, and other than picking up our daughter for visitation, I do not have anything to do with him. There have been times he shows up in a really good mood and wants to talk, I just walk away, other times he is noticeably stressed out, and I walk away. I have seen over that first year, where his money is going due to his not changing accounts, and I know the signs too well.

He was telling our daughter about how broke he always was, because he pays me so much, and she was forever on me about that, why did I have to take all his money, etc. I grew up in a house where my parents ended up divorced long after they should have, and always put us kids in the middle, and I refuse to do that with our daughter. Yet, he is.

I have not told her I have seen a lawyer, have not told her anything, and yet, its not fair to her to have this hit, most likely with him getting the papers right before he picks her up for his weekend. One other thing is a huge concern to me as well.

My daughter is friends with the girl next door who is the granddaughter of our neighbor. It seems her gd was upset and the gm found out why. My dd told her gd, that there was going to be something in the 'fine print' that said if I contested the divorce, he would file for custody, and she does not want to live with her dad. My lawyer does know this, but as she said, its hearsay at this time, and we will deal with it if it happens.

Meanwhile, as I said earlier, I am mobile, but not very, can not even make it to the mailbox to check mail, let alone farther (no support and I've fallen a few times this past year). I did try to get a scooter last year through insurance, but due to walking into the office for the evaluation, I was told insurance would never approve it. I have no car, so basically am at the mercy of my neighbor, or my daughter to go grocery shopping, which is maybe once a month, the rest of the time I am stuck in the apartment.

Any friends I used to have are long gone, my husband never was much for people, and back when I used to have friends come to the house, he made them feel so welcome they just busted the door down to get out. With the disability stopping me from working, I have gone from a fun loving people person to a recluse in so many ways.

I spend my time playing online MMO's more for the people than the games. I can no longer do the things I used to love doing, gardening, quilting, so even that was taken away from me. There have been times where he would come home from work and tell me he wished he could sit around all day and do nothing, and those times I realized just how little he knew me or cared. I'd trade places in a heartbeat, he could stay home, and I'd work and support us, if only I could.

Now I'm in limbo waiting for the bottom to fall out. I can't afford to go to the doctor due to the insurance (20/80 plan now, again, no drug policy) and one medical issue such as a relapse is enough to put me in a financial hole I'll never dig out of. Just as an example, that shoulder surgery last year, I paid out of pocket, $1200 total. The insurance got billed for a total of $43,262. Had I had to pay 20% of that, I'd be paying on it the rest of my life.

I do OK with this, until I start to think of my future. Not as far as medical issues go even, but as far as being alone. I have no desire to ever get back with him, not even to keep insurance to be honest, but I also know that the thought of living the rest of my life alone, is very depressing. Who would ever want me after all this? I'm broken, I don't move, I'm considerably overweight now due to not moving much, and I've got the baggage of two failed marriages behind me, both husbands telling me it wasn't 'me' that was the problem, it was their desires that no one woman could fulfill, while they screwed around with other women. I'm no spring chicken, but I kept up with and more often than not back in my 'good days', wore them out sexually. It sure isn't for lack of want on my part that caused problems.

In no way am I trying to say I'm innocent in any way as to why my marriages failed, I admit readily that I shut them out after finding out about affairs and that made it very difficult to break through my shell. I forgave, even to a good extent, forgot, but never could regain the trust that was lost.

How do you deal with this crap in my situation? I have not found much on this site either to do with cyber stuff OR with a disabled spouse. Am I missing something? Where do I go from here? If I ever want a relationship again, am I stuck looking for it as a avatar on Second Life? Its saying a lot to say I actually looked at that site this past week. And in case anyone wonders, yes, I even gave it a good shot of cybering my own husband, hoping that would spice up our marriage. It did not do a darn thing for me, and not much more for him.

I am not even going to read this, just going to post, and hope somewhere, someone has some answers for me. Or a suggestion of where to look.

No Stress,

Welcome to MB

I sure others will have plenty to say later

For me I think the first thing you need to to is set your self on a course of action.

Save the marriage

Get a divorce

If your choose the Save the Marriage route I would ask a moderator to move your thread to the Surviving an Affair forum, you will be able to develop your plan of attack much better there.

If you are choosing to D. this is the place to be and will help you how ever we can.

I'm is the process of divorcing now and you have more experience with that than me. I don't know how to help you with the disability side of this I hope someone else of the forum can help you with that one.

there is no saving this one. I am in the right forum.

It's hard to admit defeat sometimes. Having been through one divorce does not make it any easier to go through another. They both ended so differently.

I had faith after the first one that time heals all wounds and that faith is sadly lacking this go around.

Time for me to go to bed, sleep is such a wonderful thing.

No Stress, I think you're making the right decision to divorce. There's no sense in even attempting a reconciliation with a serial cheater/sexual deviant.

I'm glad you got a lawyer. I don't know the laws in your state, but in mine my WstbXH is required to pay for my insurance for 3 years after the divorce. There are laws set up to take care of you that you may not know about and that's why EVERYONE needs their own lawyer in a divorce.

NSZ, you're still very young, but since you are permanently disabled, it's time for you to learn to work that system. I'm not sure how to do it, but if it were me, I'd start by calling my own doctor's office. You OBVIOUSLY are in need of a scooter to be able to get around. Ask your doctor what it takes to get one. BTW, you CAN go see your doctor. Your jerk of a husband has run up a bunch of bills, and you can too. Right now, it would be considered a marital debt, not an individual debt. Let him take responsibility for cutting back on your insurance coverage.

You may need some kind of patient advocate or social worker who knows the system and can help you find out what programs are available to you. Ask your doctor's office or the hospital that treated you last where to start. Financially, you will probably be better off after you are divorced. Your husband will have to pay you child support and probably alimony as well. I suspect that a single mother on disability is eligible for lots of aid.

Do you live in a city? Or a small town/rural area? What kind of public transportation system is available to you? Find out and start using it to get out of the house.

Ask your doctor for an anti-depressant. ADs saved my life when I was still living with my emotionally abusive, cheating husband.

Go to the DivorceCare website and sign up for their daily emails. They are very encouraging. While you're there, find a local DivorceCare group. Most of them are held at churches. See if someone from the church can give you a ride to the group. Also, see if someone from that church can give you a ride to their weekly services. Even if you don't believe in God, it will be good for you to get out of the house and be around other people.

Finally, about your weight, I'd strongly recommend that you try weight watchers online if you can afford it. If you can't, try sparkpeople, which is free. Both of those websites have forums with lots of encouraging people who can help you cut back on unhealthy foods and start eating healthily. Don't stress about the pounds. Your goal should be to get healthy so that you can be a good mom to your dd at home and a good grandmother to your grandson.

No Stress, it's time to make a plan of how you're going to get through the next few weeks and months and then get out there and do it. I know you can handle all this, and a year from now you'll be much healthier and happier than you have been in years!

Kirby, thank you. Your first line hit me...especially coupled with something someone told me not so long ago...when you referred to him as a serial cheater/sexual deviant. The other person told me I was "no longer obligated to make excuses for his actions". I realized when she told me that, it is what I have spent so much time doing...trying to justify it in many ways to myself. I actually wrote that line down when she told me that, it hit me that hard.

As for the insurance, I am in virginia, and do not think that is a requirement, I know he can not keep me on his work insurance past the divorce. The fact that he dropped me, really sparked my lawyer when I told her. Between that, and his never changing bank accounts thereby giving me access to every penny he spent last year is going to hurt him in court. He shows no 'real' bills, paying his mom 150 a mo for rent, and his car payment/insurance, and cell phone being the only true bills he's paid.

Financially, I am better off, and will be, other than insurance, and that can hurt me if I run up big bills again as I have in the past. We had to file bankruptcy to get out from under the house/bills so we could even afford to separate, so that is not something I can even think of for 7 years if I do run up huge medical bills. I've had at least $500,000 in medical bills in the last 8 years. So yep, that scares me.

Financial aid, now there is one you would think I'd be able to get, but I'm above the income levels for everything. Just my SS check puts me 53 dollars above proverty level. Added to that what he is already paying, and then more that the lawyer believes will be awarded (350-400 more a month is her goal) will knock it even higher above, so those are out, and I have tried. Right now, financially I'm not in a bad place, but will lose about 800 a month once our daughter turns 18 between child support and what I get for her from SS. That is when it is going to hurt most.

The scooter is a definate need, a car is a want in my mind (although my soon to be driving daughter does not agree lol). I live just a few blocks from a grocery store, but can not get to it on my own steam. I can't afford to shell out the cost of one on my own, without payments, and until my credit is built back up, that's out (just discovered yesterday that I missed paying a doctor bill and it went to collections...arghhh). Our mailman here leaves a LOT to be desired and have put in many complaints to the post office on it already, so who knows where the previous notices have gone.

I might have better luck now with a scooter on medicare than I did in the private insurance, not sure, but am going to try again. I will be going on anti depressants again, already planned on that. I have been on them in the past, but had a hard time finding one that I could take, without side effects that were worse than the reason for taking them.

I will go see about the DivorceCare when I post this. There are also the MS support groups I can get into as well, something I never did due to lack of transportation at the beginning, then lack of give-a-crap since (depression is a powerful thing).

Public transportation is here, in fact there is a bus stop not far from the apartment entrance, again...getting to the stop and where I'm going...is out. The distance is too far to walk for me without the support. I get around the grocery store using the shopping cart (not the scooter carts) and do ok, but they really wear me out..but I try to stay as mobile as I can and for me that is one way of doing so. Freaking legs get so wobbly.

Last but not least, the weight. I've always from the time I was a child, have had a weight problem, this is by far the heaviest I've ever been though. We do eat healthy, that was one of the major changes when my daughter and I moved out, was to eat healther foods. Lots of veggies and fruits, not near as much processed stuff. Grocery budget is much higher now than it was, close to doubled, and I'm good with that since we do eat healthier. Plus it has our daughter trying new foods. I love to cook, even in that pathetic excuse of a kitchen I have.

I have surprised myself on one big change I made and that is I quit (mosty) smoking cigerettes at Christmas, went to one of the electronic cigerettes, but have only just now ordered more cartridges (lowest nicotine level), and that was just a couple days ago, since I could feel the stress levels building up. I have faltered there, and have smoked about two packs since Christmas, but only find the overwhelming urge is there when I know someone who smokes is here, but overall I'm very proud of that, as I was a 2 pack a day smoker for 32 years. I feel a LOT better now than I did. It was more a 'not paying that price' that got me to stop more so than want, but it is nice having that extra money in the account now.

My next big goal is to move again, finding someplace cheaper, in a better school district, and the highest priority on the list is outdoor access...patio/balcony...something. It drives me nuts to not be able to sit outside, and having windows open here is just not safe.

Thank you, off to go look at that site.

NO Stress,

You can get COBRA for 3 years from the divorce date.

It could be part of your alimony package or could be something you just pay for yourself. the key is it's a federal program and you can get COBRA no matter what. I would insist on it.

Your lawyer should be all over this if not google it and educate her/him on it.

If he has already dropped you from his insurance I would have your lawyer ask for an emergency hearing with the judge to ask for the immediate reinstatement of your insurance. The judge will not be impressed with what your WH has done, your WH really shot himself in the foot on that one.

Stupid is as Stupid does.

SC, I have looked up more info on the COBRA, and now its a matter of finding out 'can I afford it'. I'm really starting to think the lawyer I had a consult with back in 2007 might be right, we can't afford a divorce. I thought he was nuts when he told me that. My WH also saw a lawyer then, who told him to do whatever he had to do to keep me from walking out. He failed to tell me that until much later of course.

This lawyer, of which I have good gut feelings about (all I have left to go by is my guts and I doubt those half the time) did say the first thing was the emergency hearing on the insurance.

Is there any reason they would NOT make him put me back on?

When he first mentioned taking me off the policy at thanksgiving, I asked/begged him not to. He knew I had medical issues I was in the process of having diagnosed, others that needed to be fixed, and no way of having it all done by years end.

My lawyer did seem surprised that I did not sign anything and that got me thinking...how did he take me off. He changed entire policies. Just did not put me on the new one. When I got online to grab all my insurance info last week, it shows all three of us as cancelled. I did have to get a paper signed from his job stating I had no insurance, for Medicare to accept me without penalty. On one hand, at least I have that. On the other hand, does it make any difference? In the long run, any amount of doctor bills is going to kill me financially.

I have an interesting question that I've been thinking about, and meant to ask the lawyer.

Have any of you ever heard of a judge ordering a divorce from bed and board only? (Difference is the spouses can not remarry, everything else is like they are divorced, in part to keep insurance) My grandparents had this kind, and virginia does allow them. For me it would work out, and he swears he will never remarry, but won't consider it, hence would a judge order one.

I've given this considerable thought over the years (he should have let me walk away when he had the very first cyber I found out about in 2002, when I was healthy, working full time and able to support myself).

One one hand, I can't afford to get a divorce and lose insurance. (my Financial outlook)

On the other hand, I can't afford to stay married to keep insurance. (my Mental outlook)

To be honest, a year ago, I did test the waters for a possible reconcilation. Today? The thought of having sex with him, makes me want to puke. That tells me more than anything else, that this is definately over, since sex was the one area we did well. hell, even my EX is looking better than this WH is, and well, that's just gross.

Last but not least...why do we allow ourselves to be treated the way our spouses treat us? What is it that makes those of us who are faithful, who have tried to save our marriages...the want...the need to even try? Why? Low self esteem? Our consciouses? Morals? What? Where do they get the power to hurt us like they do?

I have one more question.

What/how do I tell our daughter? For so long, my WH and I have just existed, not fighting, just not being 'there' when the other was around. I grew up with parents who got divorced long after they should have, and looking back, dad did try, mom on the other hand was a vicious snarling beast. She trashed dad so much we all started to believe it, even us older kids who knew it wasn't one sided, started to believe her words.

I do not want to do that to my daughter, and have made it a promise to myself that I would never trash talk her dad to her. That means basically I can't give her the real reasons we are divorcing. Instead, its the simple old standard "we just can't get along" which is a lie in itself since we never fought.

How do you tell your daughter her father is a sex fiend who finds it more enjoyable to send movies and pictures of himself, and cyber other women, than it does to have a warm breathing willing woman in bed?

I know its well past time I said something, since she seems to think I should trust her father enough to not screw me over in the divorce. I do not want her to grow up thinking this is ok, because it's just not. Yet I lived with it for so long.

Ugh.

i can answer the bed and board question... yes it is possible at least in NJ my friend had one of those divorced decrees in place for almost 3 years before her xh pushed it the rest of the way through so he could get married.

as for the ins you husband will most likely be ordered to atleast cover your daughter if you have medicare the court may not order him to put you back on.

IMO, "trash talk" and telling the truth are very different. It is trashing your WS to tell your daughter he is a "sex fiend." OTOH, you can simply say that he was seeking sexual experiences outside of the marriage and that is why you divorced him. You need to give the bare facts, with as little or as much detail as you feel comfortable telling, and then characterize those actions as "wrong."

That's the truth. Your daughter needs to be told the truth. Otherwise, she will be angry at both of you for not trying harder to get along. If she knows that your husband/her father acted wrongly, then her anger and disappointment will be directed where it belongs.

Its when I see this kind of question/response, I realize just how deep the hurt truly goes. Now you know why I have not said anything to her about it, the right words just haven't been there. If by chance the judge makes him put me back on insurance, the first stop I think, is my counselor.

Well, let the fireworks begin.

STBXH came to pick up our DD for her weekend with him. I asked if he finished paying off his lawyer, (750 total) he said yes, and that he expected I'd get the paperwork sometime this week. I probably should not have, but I handed him my lawyer's card and asked him to have his lawyer send her any paperwork he sends me. He asked why I had a lawyer, and I told him, I wasn't going to just roll over on this one. He asked what I was fighting for, since I already got everything...and I just said, insurance, and walked away.

I saw the look on his face, this came as a sucker punch to him. The only other time I've seen that look was the year his work provided our daughter with a visit from Santa, something she was not going to see that year. His mom made a comment when she saw everything 'see I told you if you stuck around you would get what you finally deserved'. That hurt him, and its the only time I've ever seen him show his mom hurt him.

I have spent so much time reading, trying to figure out where and when I lost my feelings of self worth, when I lost the person I was. I read the stuff I'm finding that I've written over the years, and just hit save, wherever it landed didn't matter, I'm finding these thoughts in just about any file on my computer/backup disks, and it's shocking to see how far down I've gone. I used to be a strong confident person, and now ....there's such a huge hill ahead of me to climb.

No more. I'm back on the road to recovery, and I know it's a long road ahead of me, but I'll be damned if anyone will ever have the power to take who I am away from me, ever again. I've got my fighting spirit back, and with it, comes ME.

Today truly IS the first day of the BEST of my life.

LIKE!

NSZ, I remember when I made the determination to heal. I was NOT going to let the disaster of my marriage define me or control me.

And though not every day has been a path strewn with roses, I'm stronger and better than before.

Hold your head up high and make every step you take from here on in yours!

I can relate to this. It's too bad I let that happen to me. It can be hard to see it happening though, when someone tears you down in different ways. And it can happen so slowly and subtley that you don't even realize it when it's happening, until one day you wonder how you got where you are. The lessons we need to learn are in there.

I had this song in my sig line in another forum, you might like it.....

The Climb, by Miley Cyrus

Good song MJ. Somehow it seems Miley is so young to be singing such a song though ya know? I've turned "I Will Survive" by Gloria Gaynor into my theme song lol.

Fred, thanks. Interesting thing about that last line I posted...Today is the first day of the BEST of my life. I mistyped Rest into Best. I like it this way. A lot better actually It IS the BEST of my life coming.

I've begun that journey to a better life. One step at a time. It will be helpful that I WAS such a strong person prior to this marriage, and I hope that helps me to get back to where I was, faster.

I'm the kind of person who, when I give my love to someone, I give my heart, body and soul. Unfortunatly, I'm also one of those type people who tries to find the good in everyone, and that just leaves me wide open for getting screwed with second chances and such.

I hope I find a happy medium this time around, faith without foolishness.

Kirby, I did sign up for DivorceCare emails, I don't think the meetings are going to do me much good, from everything I've read and what I've found in talking to them locally, its just going to be too 'religious' for me. I believe in God and I feel my relationship with Him is stronger than ever right now, I have a problem with churches in general. I was raised Catholic, and it stems from those years. My extended family are very religious, and get to be quite 'preachy' and that is something I have a big problem with. Preachy in so far as me being wrong and I'm going to be damned to hell for my life, blah blah save yourself now or forever burn..... Hence my unwillingness if you will, to get too involved with religion and to stay clear of churches. I've tried several times to find a church/religion that I could feel comfortable in, but there's something turning me off on every one I've tried. Curious enough, my STBXH is an athiest. Our daughter goes to a Baptist church.

I did however sign up for SparkPeople and so far that place is awesome. I also rejoined a forum I used to be very vocal on, and was greeted with wide open arms and a willingness to stand by me while I regroup. They were a part of my life from back when I was still in the diagnosis stages of the MS, so they have seen me at my worst.

It may not be the one on one face to face personal kind of thing, but I'm slowly building back my support groups, and the rest will come in good time. I'm starting to get some goals figured out, and the first one is a car. I thought scooter first, but the car will get me a lot farther than the scooter will. I'm getting closer to seeing that become a greater possibility as well, my credit score took another 30 pt jump

Hooray! You sound so much better already.

I'm glad that you're taking charge and making decisions and setting goals! There is life on the other side of divorce.

yeah I've had 17 months now of separation and healing to get used to the idea and get my bearings. Once I set my mind to something it generally takes effort to get me to back down.

That in itself might of been half his look when he heard I had a lawyer now that I think of it.

Speaking of, when he brought our daughter home yesterday, my son and his gf and the boys were here, we were all getting ready to eat, dishing up stage, and he came in didn't say anything to any one, just stood there at the door, I almost think he wanted me to talk which wasn't happening, but since then I can't help but wonder if he's realizing what he has lost. Family. We never had much family, just my kids, and his mom and his brother that he sees once a year.

If so that would be interesting, as he never could stand anyone at the house...even my children...and he made it very clear when someone was there that he wanted them gone, by his rudeness and unwelcoming attitude. That's a huge part of why I don't have friends these days, he drove them away and I couldn't get away from the house to go visit with them after I quit working. Yet the kids have been here every weekend for quite a while now, and he knows that is something I always wanted. I'm stepping past him and he's not liking it. And that in itself, feeds the fire I have growing in me.

He stood at the door about 10 minutes, and no one talked to him, other than me saying thank you for bringing our daughter back. I did almost offer him dinner, but he wouldn't of ate it anyway, it had broccoli in it lol. (But I did feel bad him just standing there...that's totally not like me)

Ya...agree about Miley singing that song at her age, but she does sing it well.



I like that.

Well, it seems my STBEH wants to fight dirty, he brought our daugher into the middle of this mess this weekend.

She had a major meltdown earlier this evening, and I'm still mad enough to spit nails at him. She sat on the floor in front of the refrigerator and just bawled for a good half hour, nothing was gong to calm her down. THen when she finally got up, she got a glass of juice and was holding it with two hands, staring off into the distance, and shaking. Like a drunk in shock is best way I can describe it. SHe had me worried to death.

Among the other stuff she said, was that I would try to tell her he had affairs, and he wanted to make sure she understood he did NOT have real affairs. Yes, he talked to women, but they were not physical. Right, and your name would be what? clinton?

I told her I have a right to defend myself, and I would do so in court, not in my living room and all I'd say about what she told me tonight was that his 'not real affairs' were just as physical as they can get without actual body touching body regardless of what he says, that they were definately physical as far as both sides getting sexual relief, and yes, they were every bit real affairs.

I'm sure I could of picked something less personal to correct her on, but I did not want her even thinking for one extra minute that it was ok in any way to have these 'not real affairs' in a marriage. I'm sure I probably could of done this with a bit more care, but it jerked my chain something awful.

I promised her that I would NEVER say anything about her dad that I could not back up with proof, and that I was NOT going to put her in the middle, therefore she was not going to know what was going on as far as the divorce.

I can not believe he did this to her. Nor do I think he realizes just how protective a mother can be, and what happens when you hurt their babies. The claws are out.

I won't be saying much here anymore, just in case. Definately not details. Before I log out however, I want to say one more thing.

Dear SOB.

You pushed too far this time, you crossed the line. You should be thinking of all the garbage that the internet has on you, and wonder, which interesting little tidbits do I know. And more so, what will I do with those interesting tidbits when all is said and done. How far am I willing to take it? Do you really want to find out? I don't think you do. There is a side to me that you never saw, throughout everything you did over the years, nothing would make that part of me come out other than someone hurting one of my children. You did that this weekend.

Enjoy your 'not real' affairs, by the time I'm done with this divorce, you'll know just how real they are after all. See you in court.

Your soon to be ex wife.

Well, got the first draft of the Complaint of Divorce yesterday. Gotta LOVE lawyers and the wording they use Had to read one part I swear ten times to get it in my head that WAS right. LOL.

Had another breakthrough too. Was on another site and in a mail to someone, I put in the following....seems it was not so long ago I swore that day was an impossibility. It's a long long way off, but at least there's something planned for when it does happen. DOn't we all deserve a TEN!?

this was in regard to this site naturally.

"I know when my day comes, I'll hand someone I'm falling for, that web site and tell them to rank it on a scale of one to ten. Ten being �agreed with�, one being �what a joke it is�. I'm on the look out for a TEN! I won't accept anything less."