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#2493543 03/29/11 08:32 PM
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Originally Posted by Greengables
One of my perfect first dates was a while ago....That led to dinner and a whirlwind 4 week romance.

Over the decades, I've become very suspicious of perfect first dates. They never bode well long term for me.

This post in the Dating Ideas thread got me thinking� I cringe when a first date seems too perfect- because I�m afraid that�s not the real guy and now I have even more layers to peel back to find out who he really is.

I also cringe when the guy says he likes me because he was struck by lightning or amazed by my beauty I�m cute but not THAT cute!).

So I�m curious.. do more of you frequenting this board have great stories about perfect first dates and how they ended up being a great relationship? Or did you experience not-so-great or not-so-charming first dates that blossomed later into something more fulfilling?

DTC


"If you will stop feeding your feelings, then they will stop controlling you" -Joyce Meyer
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Quote
So I�m curious.. do more of you frequenting this board have great stories about perfect first dates and how they ended up being a great relationship? Or did you experience not-so-great or not-so-charming first dates that blossomed later into something more fulfilling?


My first date with my stbx, and the few after that, went very well. That's why I kept going out with him. But note the "stbx". While I thought our relationship was going well before I married him, it wasn't. He was already cheating and deceived me. After we married, it went straight downhill after that.

Too bad I was too naive to peel back his layers back then. I realize now that he wasn't "mysterious". He was somewhat incapable of true intimacy, and lied about his thoughts and behaviors.



D-yr fall 06-fall 07
Separated 10/2010
Him-several affairs, last one 3/2011
Divorced filed 3/2011, final 3/2012

Formerly "Mopey".
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2013149&page=1

After a 4 yr FR, it became CLEAR to me of what you can look for in a FR. And that is the absence of POJA, and/or if your spouse tramples on your boundaries. If someone is not willing to do POJA with you, and they don't respect your boundaries, imo, the relationship is doomed.
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I suppose my relationship/marriage is too young to offer you much comparison about how these things turn out in the end....but here is my story.

My dh and I were introduced by long time (25 years for me/10 for him) friends--dinner at their house. Neither of us were interested in casual dating and both of us knew that. Our friends cooked dinner and took care of all the kids (their 3 my one) in the pool while dh and I talked. After dinner we played a board game with our friends. We exchanged numbers and he was texting me before I reached my house.

Then the next night he drove 2 hours after he got off work to meet me in my city for dinner. We sat in a booth, next to each other and discussed many many things. Our feelings about our children (that they were innocent victims of divorce and had to be put first now), our faith (he said 'I'm never leaving it), our mothers, our step fathers. He walked me to my car and we stood at my car door for another hour talking.

Both of those were perfect dates. He says he knew he wanted to get to know me more before our first evening was over. I knew by the time the second date was over.

He wasn't trying to impress me. That is what I liked. I felt he was a divorced dad of two, weary from the battle of a WW and divorce, honestly telling me what he felt and what he needed.

Third date he bought me a Droid. smile That was cool.

I would be worried about someone--especially at our ages---who tried to hard to impress me.

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Originally Posted by SmilingWoman
Neither of us were interested in casual dating and both of us knew that.
This is key...especially since most people are only interested in being casual

Originally Posted by SmilingWoman
I would be worried about someone--especially at our ages---who tried to hard to impress me.
agreed!


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I have to agree...I remember reading in the divorce section where people had been bombarded with love...too much too fast, and it almost seems like a manipulative tactic...get you before you come to your senses. Jim pushed for us to be exclusive right away and I should have listened to my inner self...look where that went.

I'd rather get to know someone slower...


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My perfect first date with my SO was not romantic. Being overly romantic early in the relationship with flowers and rainbows and early commitments and "I love yous" too soon -- that's scary. Comfortable and fun and no pressure? That's perfect.

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Keeping all this in mind
wink

In time.....

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Originally Posted by anoni_mouse
My perfect first date with my SO was not romantic. Being overly romantic early in the relationship with flowers and rainbows and early commitments and "I love yous" too soon -- that's scary. Comfortable and fun and no pressure? That's perfect.

I totally agree. I have someone who's been after me for ages, and wonders why I back way off from him...I keep trying to get him to understand, be friends first, see how it goes!


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That's how it was with my current BF. He and I met at work when he was telling his friends how $@(&( his game console was. I pulled mine out to show him, and he says, "Oh yeah, what about this?"

He pulls his DS out and it's off the hinges on one side.

We were friends for a long time after that, and earlier in last year we started dating.

Being friends first is great, because...well, aren't you supposed to be friends with your SO? smile


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
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Originally Posted by DaisyTheCat2
So I�m curious.. do more of you frequenting this board have great stories about perfect first dates and how they ended up being a great relationship?


Well I don't frequent this board but I'll throw in my double coppers laugh.

My first date with DH was amazing, electric, perfect. I could have asked for no more. It was the date that never ended. We couldn't get enough of one another.

I'd say it's gone well so far - married 5 1/2 years happily. I think the key was that we were both very ready for the type of relationship we blossomed into. We were both ready to settle down and commit. (Not that it wasn't a bit scary). We were both completely honest from the get go - which was a bit scary because how did I know he was being honest when I was? I didn't, but it felt right.

Sometimes, it's too good to be true, and sometimes it isn't.

I don't think an amazing first date means that there will be problems down the line - it's all about who you are and who you're date is and if you are being honest with each other about who you are and what you want.


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Vibrissa! It's nice to see you over here in these parts!

I like you're success story - I hope you have a lifetime of happiness with with DH.

My first "date" with the woman I'm seeing now (going on 4 months) was magical. It was just a company Christmas party and nothing about it was extraordinary except the chemistry we both felt. We danced and then talked and then when it looked like she was going to leave early with a friend I practically knocked people over to get to her and find out what was going on, lol.

The next weekend we went to a museum (a good first date, imo). Then while waiting for a movie to start we got pedicures together, and yes I'm embarrassed to admit it, but in the circumstance it was really fun and my toes have never felt better and no I didn't get them painted. The movie was across the hall in this little mall and so Nature Girl (as I've come to call her here) walked in with bare feet (in December) so as not to wreck the paint on her nails. I don't remember the plot of the movie - we sat in the back corner and whispered to each other like 6th graders.

Anyway, ever since this thread started I wanted to say I think the first date's perfection lies more in whether the two people connect than in the activity. Of course I'm no expert.

Opt


Me: 43 y.o. BFWH, D-day 11/11/09 (NC since 9/01)
Divorce from WW final 9/16/10.
Current Status: MB-based Marriage to Nature Girl 12/8/12 (first date on 12/11/10)
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Originally Posted by optimism
Anyway, ever since this thread started I wanted to say I think the first date's perfection lies more in whether the two people connect than in the activity. Of course I'm no expert.

You don't have to be an expert to be right. The last "first date" I had was 29 years ago, and that definition of perfection nailed it.

We'd met two weeks earlier at a bar in my hometown. There was an immediate connection, and I wound up driving her home, and it included a torrid make-out session in front of her house. She gave me her number (and I still have the card and carry it in my wallet).

I called her a week later and she said she was sick. I thought she was blowing me off, but she said in a panic, "No, no, I'm really sick! Please call me again!"

How do you say no to that? I did, and we went out the next Friday night to a bar owned by her then-best friend's husband. It colder than a well digger's, er, shovel. There was snow on the ground and a wind chill in the single digits.

When I parked the car, it made a funny crackling noise. I walked over and took a look, didn't see much of anything out of the ordinary (I was more interested in her!) and we went inside. We sat and talked for maybe three hours and had a great time.

Then we went outside, and I really got a good look at my car. The A-frame had snapped, and the left front tire was at a 45 degree angle. So we began the long walk to her house -- about a mile and a half. She was wearing heels, and neither of us was dressed for the weather. I did my best to entertain her and distract her from the conditions. Looking back, I think I did a pretty good job of it.

We made it to the house, and that meant I had to meet her mom. Not what I wanted to do on the first date, but I needed to use their phone to call a tow truck. They had a pit bull, a great dane, and two cats. (The dogs were deathly afraid of one of the cats. Smart dogs.) I went into the house, met her mom and was making small talk when the great dane decided he liked me on sight. They tried to calm him down when my date walked back into the living room.

Disaster. The dog whirled to greet her. Did I mention he was a great dane? His tail was going 90-to-nothing, and as he pivoted, he nailed me in the groin and dropped me to me hands and knees. Arrrrgh.

My date screamed at the dog, "Stop that! I want to have kids someday!" It vaguely registered with me, but I was busy trying to stand back up without howling like one of the pooches.

Looking back, she says she still can't believe she said that on a first date. Some things are just meant to be, I guess.

Hearing that, no one should ever wonder why I fought so hard to preserve our marriage. And you should never, ever question why I picked the screen name I did. I knew it would work out and I knew things would be okay.

Some things are just meant to be. And there's no "I guess" qualifier on THAT statement.

Last edited by AheadOfTheCurve; 04/02/11 02:09 PM. Reason: Clarification

BH 52
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S26 S24
EA 3/07-1/09
PA 5/07-10/08
NC finally established after eight false starts: 1/23/09
Final Version of Events 6/09
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Wow Vibressa and AheadOfTheCurve what awesome stories!


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Originally Posted by DaisyTheCat2
This post in the Dating Ideas thread got me thinking� I cringe when a first date seems too perfect- because I�m afraid that�s not the real guy and now I have even more layers to peel back to find out who he really is.

I also cringe when the guy says he likes me because he was struck by lightning or amazed by my beauty I�m cute but not THAT cute!).

So I�m curious.. do more of you frequenting this board have great stories about perfect first dates and how they ended up being a great relationship? Or did you experience not-so-great or not-so-charming first dates that blossomed later into something more fulfilling?

DTC

I think that we tend to put way too much weight and thought on the first date.

If you (and I'm speaking to both men and women) just let things play out, you'll know. And you know what? Those first dates will range across the spectrum of instant connection on the one hand, to repulsion on the other.

Personally, (and I'm not saying this is easy, because the possibility of instant chemistry is very alluring) I make every effort to be as non-judgmental as possible on a first date, unless something is blatantly obvious or a total deal breaker for me.

In the above example, I mean, why *wouldn't* you take someone at his word if he says you're cute? Could he be lying? Sure. But if you're reasonably self-aware, and your antenna are up I just think you'll know when something is off, not right, or just not clicking. I don't believe people are good long-term fakers in their words, emotions or patterns when it comes to relationships.

In accordance with Dr. Harley's concepts, while I'm not suggesting you spend 15 hours/week with a a date, my point is, you'll know someone best after you spend not one, but several dates with them in different situations.

Spending more than just one date with someone allows you to go back and think about that first date and ask yourself based on what you know of the person NOW, just how sincere or realistic was my date anyway?

My .02 from down South.





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Originally Posted by kgm76
I don't believe people are good long-term fakers in their words, emotions or patterns when it comes to relationships.

I don't think MOST people are good fakers, either. The problem is that some of the very best fakers are very destructive. I suspect that my ex-husband has Narcissistic Personality Disorder and he usually makes a GREAT first impression.

If you'll look into it, most websites that give information about domestic violence say that abusers tend to appear to be a "Knight in shining armor," they like everything that you like, and dislike what you dislike. At first. They come on too strong and seem to be the perfect man. In the beginning.

I believe that it's a redflag if the first date is "too" perfect.


Me: BS 51
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I don't think it means ANYTHING if a date is perfect or not. We don't know people that well on the first date...give it some time, we'll know if we want to continue to see them or not. The only exception would be if the person is TOTALLY abhorrent on the first date...you might not want to go back for more of the same. smile


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Originally Posted by kgm76
Originally Posted by DaisyTheCat2
I also cringe when the guy says he likes me because he was struck by lightning or amazed by my beauty I�m cute but not THAT cute!).
In the above example, I mean, why *wouldn't* you take someone at his word if he says you're cute? Could he be lying? Sure. But if you're reasonably self-aware, and your antenna are up I just think you'll know when something is off, not right, or just not clicking. I don't believe people are good long-term fakers in their words, emotions or patterns when it comes to relationships.

I guess for me, it�s just that I get guys who comment on me being cute/pretty/sometimes even beautiful ;-) which is fine. It�s the easiest way to melt my heart, I guess, even though I know it�s all words for some reason it works. And I want the man I ultimately end up with to compliment my looks, as I work hard to stay in good shape and look good. I want to hear that he appreciates my hard work at least once a day, lol!

But I�ve yet to go out with a guy who goes on and on how beautiful I am or how he was struck by lightning when he saw me (I�ve heard that twice) that didn�t talk about sexual stuff on the first or second date (or phone call!!). By sexual stuff, I mean things like �getting naked� or how he wants to take me bachata dancing (a very sexual dance). I'd like to at least know you a month, lol, before we talk about doing that together!

So when I hear that, even if I like the guy, I try to guard my heart because I�m afraid it�s all about physical attraction, afraid he�s not likely to be as interested in getting to *know* me as he is in getting to bed me.


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Originally Posted by Kirby
tend to appear to be a "Knight in shining armor," they like everything that you like, and dislike what you dislike. At first. They come on too strong and seem to be the perfect man. In the beginning.

I believe that it's a redflag if the first date is "too" perfect.
Oh wow! This reminds me of a guy I went out with and on the first date he agreed with me about everything, including not smoking and not drinking anymore. Turns out he got drunk every weekend and practically chain smoked. Scary.


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Did it ever occur to you that maybe you really ARE that cute? Maybe they aren't saying to get somewhere with you but because they really mean it. If most of the guys you date are just interested in you superficially, you might want to take a look at the kind if guys you're sending vibes to...


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Originally Posted by anoni_mouse
My perfect first date with my SO was not romantic. Being overly romantic early in the relationship with flowers and rainbows and early commitments and "I love yous" too soon -- that's scary. Comfortable and fun and no pressure? That's perfect.

That is definitely true. If things happen too soon it is really scary. That is exactly what I always thought. Nevertheless the my most romantic date (and it was not the first date - we already met a few times before) happened a few years ago. On the day we had the same day flowers ordered and the beautiful bouquet was delivered to my flat. I was so surprised because I never received flowers at home. I was in a good mood when he picked me up and we had a wonderful evening together.


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