Female infidelity: It's different from the guys


Ian Kerner, a sexuality counselor and New York Times best-selling author, blogs about sex on Thursdays on The Chart. Read more from him at his website, GoodInBed.


In a committed relationship nothing hurts more, or is harder to recover from, than infidelity, and this is even truer when it�s the female partner who�s been doing the cheating. In recent years I�ve noticed a precipitous rise in the number of men who have been betrayed by adultery, and while there�s an overall consensus among professionals that female infidelity is on the rise, the trend doesn�t garner nearly as much attention as male infidelity That�s surprising, because female infidelity is often much more damaging to a marriage. Don�t get me wrong: Male cheating is definitely harmful. But when a woman fools around, it�s often the death knell to a couple�s relationship.

It's often said that men cheat for sex, while women cheat for love, the theory being that men can more easily compartmentalize sex and emotion, while women typically need to experience an emotional connection to a person before feeling sexual desire. Without those pesky emotions to stand in the way of a potential mistake, a guy is much more likely to get himself into trouble (especially if alcohol is involved and inhibitions are down) or to get involved with someone for whom he has no feelings.

That�s not to say that men don't cheat because they're unhappy, in search of an emotional connection or simply bored in their relationship (a topic we�re currently analyzing at Good in Bed), but many of the men I've encountered who have cheated on their wives often have no desire to leave their primary relationship. Many of them even characterize themselves as happily married with satisfying sex lives.

That�s one of the reasons there's often a better chance that a couple will stay together and try to work things out when it�s the man who�s doing the cheating, rather than the woman. For men, cheating often tends to be opportunistic�they�re in the wrong place at the wrong time and the cheating doesn�t necessarily mean anything emotionally�whereas with women the desire to cheat is often less opportunistic and more deeply felt. It�s often more a matter of the heart than of the genitals. Sure, some women cheat for the sex, but many also cheat for another chance at love, or to confirm to themselves that their primary relationship is really over. A woman who cheats is often a woman who doesn't want to work it out. She's already invested time trying to work it out, and she's done. It's too late.

While there aren't any hard statistics on female infidelity, most experts agree that it's on the rise, especially among women who have their own careers and a degree of financial independence. A University of Washington study found that people who earned $75,000 or more per year were 1.5 times more likely to have had extramarital sex than those earning less than $30,000. And with so many women in the workplace, it�s no surprise that among the spouses who cheated, 46 percent of women and 62 percent of men did so with someone they met through work.

Another big factor in the rise in female infidelity is the Internet. Sexual infidelity often starts with emotional infidelity, and digital technologies offer an abundance of opportunity for emotional (and thrilling) connections: The return of an ex, a workplace flirtation, a Facebook friendship that becomes more than "just friends." Women are extremely susceptible to �emotional infidelity,� which starts as friendship, often with colleagues or seemingly harmless online relationships, and slowly progresses to something more. A gradual blurring of the lines between friendship and deeper intimacy draws even happily partnered people into relationships they never saw coming.

So what are some of the signs that a woman could be cheating or thinking about it?

- She shows less general interest in her partner's comings and goings

- She dresses up for work, but seems to care less about whether her partner finds her attractive

- She has less interest in sex with her partner

- She's keeping an irregular schedule and spending more time at work

- She seems happy, except when she's around her partner

- She shows less tolerance of her partner's friends and family

- There are unresolved issues in the relationship that have either been ignored or not resolved in a way that's satisfying to her

- She's in a child-centric marriage that prioritizes parenting and neglects a couple's relationship, with few opportunities for romance and alone time

Guys, think your wife would never cheat? Think again. When men get angry about something, they tend to lash out, but women often self-silence and bottle up their emotions. As Helen E. Fisher, research professor of anthropology at Rutgers University, says, "Men want to think women don't cheat, and women want men to think they don't cheat, and therefore the sexes have been playing a little psychological game with each other." Maybe this isn�t so much a game as a reflection of the double standard and culture of forgiveness that favors men��boys will be boys,� as the adage goes�when they cheat. But as we�re learning, cheating is an equal opportunity sport, one that women are just as likely as men to play.

Post by: Ian Kerner Ph.D. - sex counselor
Filed under: Ian Kerner Ph.D. - sex counselor � Sex

Man, that was hard to read.

I don't mean poor grammar, or convoluted sentence structure. I mean I found myself nodding "yes" continuously (cheat for another chance at love...confirm to themselves that their primary relationship is really over....a woman who doesn't want to work it out....already invested time trying to work it out....she's done.....factor in the rise in female infidelity is the Internet..... a workplace flirtation starts as friendship, often with colleagues or seemingly harmless online relationships.....gradual blurring of the lines between friendship and deeper intimacy draws even happily partnered people into relationships they never saw coming) and it brought me back to the dark days of discovery almost two years ago.

My daughter will be getting married in September. I think I'll slip this into an anonomous wedding card.

I've been saying this for years, but folks are not willing to accept this reality.

If one spends a nanosecond thinking about it, with whom are men or women having affairs? Why it's members of the opposite sex. Therefore, the numbers from each gender involved are essentially even.

This is no moral high ground for either gender in this arena.

Even if one tries the excuse that the women didn't know he was married, we would have to assume she knows if she's married to him or not.

By having sex only with your spouse, it's impossible to be involved in an affair. You can accept or reject that particular moral code. However the risk of rejecting it is that you may be an unwitting participant in an affair.

Not knowing is neither an excuse, nor will it comfort the BS of the man or woman who is your affair partner.

Yup, I ran into this on CNN this morning. It was kind of a trigger for an otherwise triggerless day.

Unfortunately, it's definitely the truth, and I agree with everything the others have posted here.

So you have been revealing an amazing insight that most other people do not have the sense to see?

EE, it is quite obvious from reading this article that by "infidelity" he means "married people having affairs", not, as you put it, "people involved in an affair". The norm has been for a higher percentage of married men to have affairs than for married women to have affairs. The difference was accounted for by married men having affairs with SINGLE women.

As you say, those single women are behaving just as badly as the married men that they sleep with, but they are not the people discussed in this article. The "women" he means are MARRIED women.

Of course the sex of those involved in the affair must be 50/50 men and women! However, the sex (gender) of the individuals involved is not what the author is discussing. Why would anyone bother to measure that?

In the past it seems that a higher percentage of married men had sex outside their marriages and a lower percentage of married women did the same. It is entirely possible that the numbers of that statistic are equalising, or even that the married woman's figure is overtaking the married man's.

So do you really think that someones morals change from the time before they are married to after?

If someone is willing to sleep with a married man, doesn't it stand to reason that they will continue to hold marriage in such low regard?

But don't believe me, this article says women cheat MORE than men:

http://www.mydaily.com/2011/03/01/flirting-with-danger-3-reasons-why-more-women-cheat-than-men/

Plus, as I've said before, the marital status of the woman is never an excuse. If she's involved with a married man, she is damaging at least one if not two marriages. If she happens to be married herself, that makes two. If she's single, that in no way lessens the damage she is doing to her affair partner's marriage.

So the marital status of any affair partner really doesn't matter. If they are single or married, it makes no difference to the hurtfulness of their actions.

So I really see no distinction between an affair partner who is also married and one who is not.

No excuses accepted here. No special treatment if one partner is not married. The damage is the same, therefore the wrongness of their actions is exactly the same.

I have seen such an increase of BH posting here in the past year that I do agree there is an increase.

Heard about 3 different M breaking up in the last 6 months and it was the wives stepping out --- not the husbands.

A tragedy for the children, for the family unit. Just shakes head...

EE, do you really not understand a word that I said?

I said nothing about the morals of people involved in a affair. I said nothing to imply that it was okay for single women to sleep with married men. I said nothing to imply that the single woman's actions are less damaging to her affair partner's marriage. I said nothing about single people getting special treatment nor did I say that the damage is not the same!

I have no idea why you are disagreeing with me about things I never said.

I thought engineers were systematic, EE. Be systematic when you discuss what I said, please.

Same here, definitely brought on some triggers for me.

I could ask the same. It makes no difference if the woman or man is single or married. If you are having an affair with someone who is married, you are having an affair, period. You are cheating, period. It's just that it's not your marital status making you a cheater, it's your affair partners status.

I understand completely. I simply don't agree. If you are sleeping with someone who is not your spouse, you are cheating, period.

You apparently don't agree.

What's not to understand.

Pre-Marital sex is cheating, extra-marital sex is cheating. Really there is no difference in my mind.

Others have a different standard.

You don't have to agree with my standard.

I only have a few regrets in life, my two biggest were that I had pre-marital sex, and that I married a woman who had pre-marital sex.

Even though my ex-wife and I never had sex with one another prior to marriage, each of us had pre-marital sex with others prior to having met one another.

We cheated what we believed to be God's Plan for marriage, which is to enter the marriage as a virgin.

My advice for anyone is don't cheat. Don't cheat God's plan and don't cheat on your spouse.

Understand?

Huh?

Anyways...


Well no, not really...I'm 100% certain that when we got married my H did not think "right now I am very against adultery but one day I will probably change my mind on that."

It was really more about his weak boundaries and his selfishness ~ he is STILL disgusted by adultery, even today. His morals got pushed aside for a time but they didn't change, not permanently anyways. More like a temporary lapse of morality.


Possibly...but I can pretty much guess that if that same single OP eventually got married and their spouse had an A, it wouldn't suddenly be ok. In fact, I recently read an interesting article about this exact thing happening ~ a woman had an A with a MM and (surprise), it didn't last. Years later she married (not her AP) and HER H had an A and guess what...she was not nearly as cavalier about it as she had been when SHE'D been the OW. In fact she was downright devastated.

I think when a single AP has an A it's really more of a selfish/self esteem move than a disdain for M in general. They are lonely and single and could care less about who they hurt ~ they're usually willing to take whatever comes along, married or not, I assume because they are desperate. Or at least that is what it looks like to the outside world.

EE, you are talking about something I did not raise.

"You apparently don't agree"?

I did not discuss this.

Or they are single, and they know/think that luring a married person into adultery will grant them some NSA sex and "fun," because... hey, they don't have to clothe, house, and feed them, nor raise their children.

You disagreed with what I said. If you don't believe both parties in an affair are cheating, that's your business. I do. That's what we disagree on. So if a woman is having and affair with a married man, it doesn't matter if she is married or not, she's cheating.

I've been saying this for years.

There is no moral high ground for either gender since they are cheating equally.

You simply define cheating differently than I do. Any party to an affair is a cheater, period.

Given what you said, apparently you hold a different view. You probably will not change my mind, and I probably won't change yours.

This is rubbish!

I really don't think only women cheat to get a second chance at love. They cheat because they have "fallen" in love with their affair partner due to their love bank deposits and "fall" out of love with their husbands due to his unchanged destructive habits/unfulling love deposits. No offense but I think this article is retarded because a man can just as easily fall in love with their affair partner and want to leave his marriage, too.

Is that what happens here?

Some men are pretty deep emotionally and need to bond in order to have sex. No offense but I don't just leap into bed with a stranger either!

In case anyone is interested in the not-too-meaty followup to readers' comments:

http://thechart.blogs.cnn.com/2011/04/08/what-you-told-us-about-women-infidelity/?hpt=C2

I wonder what the MB poll would read re: the double standard the author mentions...

Money!