I made a choice of dishonoring our marriage!!

Ok

After conversation with wife last night she stated that she needed time to process her feelings. Trying to talk about our isuess seems to only making matters worse. We agreed to be cordial when at church.

I pray and believe that God will restore our marriage. I will continue to work on me.

With her and the kids being away I do get lonely and I feel guilty for all the pain I have caused!

Thanks for all the advice!

I thought long and hard about what you said and I will admit, I do have an issue with boundaries. I used my marital issues no matter what they were, to try to justify my insecurities. My EA/PA were short term ego boosters with long term consequences.

It's really hard no matter how hard you try to explain your feelings and they just go ignored.

I tried to explain to her last night that we both were in a State of Withdrawal for some time and that only seemed to tick her off and thats not what I want to do. She felt I was trying to fix our problem. I then realized the best thing for me to do is step back, re access me and work on me.

I see now all the separations in the past didn't solve anything. They just hid a problem we had in our marriage.

I have come to the conclusion I don't like who I have become. I am hell bent on fixing me. I know its going to take time and right now being alone time is all I have!!

I know we can work through this. At the same time I have to work on me to make me better. I feel whole heartedly that if my wife would just look on this site she would gain valuable knowledge.

Thanks For Reading!!

Hello MB. I had to step away for awhile to do some soul searching. What I found out about myself made me realize I didn't like myself for what I did to my family.

Bottom line is I had a PA with a woman who I meet online in DEC of 2010 (other EA/PA as mentioned in other posts as well). The PA lasted until FEB 2011. I ended the PA for I knew this wasn't what I wanted. I realize I am wrong for this. I have removed all contact info for OW from all means of communications in my life. I felt the OW was an answer for all my problems, but in all actually it was an excuse for me to not deal with my problems!

I have exposed everything to my wife and have accepted full responsibility. I stated it was due to my insecurities that I have as a man. I have come to realize that me and the wife have been in a State of Withdrawal for sometime in our marriage. There was alot of back and forth in regards to getting a divorce. I had convinced myself mentaly that it was the right thing to do. What I was actually doing was tearing my family apart. Through that whole process we lost connection emotionally with each other.

This is about the fourth time we have seperated and each seperation solved nothing, we both agree on this. The last 3 months of my life have been a nightmare that I am glad I awoke from.

My ultimate goal is for complete restoration of my marriage. I have tremendous insecurities that I must overcome before this can happen. My insecurities have cost me a very valuable part of my life. I am determinined at all costs to get em back.

We still communicate on a daily basis. Our conversations are mostly Hi how are you stuff like that. I am trying my best to be her friend at this moment. I don't think she is ready emotionally to talk things out.

The one good thing is I have started going back to church. We both agreed that when I stepped away from church we began to grow apart.

I have suggested MB to my wife. She is a very private person in regards to affairs of the heart. I even gave her a copy of Basic Concepts. I believe in time when she's ready she will read it.

Thanks for reading!!

So not really "bottom line" but actually, you lied to posters AGAIN when specifically questioned about this.

Listen, the thing that concernes me is that you have yet to admit that you lied and that this is an area you need to work on and you haven't apologized to posters for lying and wasting their time several times...rather you continually try to slip these discrepancies past us... Yikes.

I think your first step is going to be acknowledging that you have a problem.

Good grief. As I said early on, you have a BIG PROBLEM with lying and unless/until that is addressed, your W is smart to stay away from you.

You are dangerous to her if you are lying to US and you don't even know us.

Susie I have admitted to my affairs. I apologize for lying. I am a private person. I am embarrassed by my lack of character and choices. Since I have exposed everything to my wife a big weight (guilt) has been lifted.

Please accept my apologies!

You know this is all bull hockey, right? Your affairs have nothing whatsoever to do with any real or perceived insecurities. You just have shoddy boundaries and a sense of self-entitlement. Go back and really read your posts and you'll see what I mean. You systematically manufactured reasons to give yourself permission to be unfaithful to your wife.


So you're civil to each other. I don't know that I would call that communicating. I say hi to my mailman when I see him. I don't call that communicating. I call that being polite.

Have you approached her and asked her what she would like from you?

Why do you feel the need to lie to us, when you have no investment in what we think of you?

This is part of the problem, these lies that you tell yourself.

It is more than being a private person or being embarrassed. An affair is an indication of a problem with PORH. You had THREE As. Additionally, you willfully deceived us again and again with long stories full of false details. It seems very much like lying comes very easily to you.

(for lurkers, not really for the OP) Based on what Dr Harley told me when I talked to him on the radio show about O&H, he said he would want to see a person with a history of lying admit that there is a problem and acknowledging they have to change.

Susie: What is PORH? I went to the Acronym/Abbreviation thread and found nothing.

Policy of Radical Honesty
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_honesty.html

Thanks Susie.

You call yourself "private", when secretive & sneaky is more appropriate, and accurate.

Your self embarrassment is well-earned.
In order to protect yourself from your lies & obfuscation & cover ups .... you put on rose colored glasses and say:
"I am a private person"... instead of
"I am a liar and a cheat and very secretive".

This is said to HELP you see another character flaw of yours, so you may (in time) correct yourself.

You sugar-coat your words when referring to yourself.
In order to feel better in the moment.
It works, in the moment only.
Not a very smart/strategic life plan tho, huh?
I sense this is a life-long pattern.

Do you have adult ADD?
Do you abuse any substances?
Do you secretly gamble?
Do you secretly look at porn?

Mr. Swole, this makes no sense. You said: "Maritalblis:What you call boundries, I call insecurities. I have let what I perceived as my wife not caring, SF, UA. I always felt action speaks louder than words. When my wifes perceived actions or words left me questioning our marriage I gave up. Unfortuniately I let other women enter my boundries."

You say I'm calling your insecurities boundaries? So, you let other women enter your insecurities?? Huh?

Mr. Swole, the following are your words. These are the words entitled people speak:

Except all of your affairs!

And there's plenty more - this is why I told you to go back and read your posts. You have an entitled mindset. That needs to change. You should never feel entitled to go outside of your marriage to have your needs met!

MaritalBliss: Yes I have used my marital issues as excuse for my affairs.

As you wish. Good luck.

Agree, no no no no. All I ever stated from the beginning was I wanted to hide my last PA from the wife, which I have admitted and have taken the time to tell her.

mr_swole,

Given your affairs and your lying to both your wife and this board about them, you should expect to be "attacked" for what you say. Your conduct in your marriage and towards your wife has been shameful and cowardly, and you need to hear that said in very clear terms.

maritalbliss and others who point out how badly you have behaved are the best help to you. Your wishing to reject maritalbliss's advice shows that you have much to learn about repentance, sorrow and recompense for the way in which you have damaged your wife, your marriage, your integrity and your vows before God.

Humility is your friend right now. Listen and learn from those who call you to account and make you squirm.