She's not remorseful. Count on it. She's scrambling, and covering her bases.

Wow, thanks for all the support guys, means a lot. Making this quick...

1. We went to MIL's yesterday afternoon, left kids with her for a few hours and went to talk.

2. Told her if she wants a divorce she'd better freaking file one because I'm flat out done with this [*edit]. She said she doesn't want one, has made a huge mistake, regrets everything that she's ever done.

3. She gave me her cell, will change number today.

4. She talked to OMW on the phone while I was there. She balked at first, I told her she was going to do it since she screwed with this lady's marriage and insisted that she do the right thing. Sorry, you're doing this or I'm out of here. So we called OMW. WW apologized profusely, said she was completely ashamed and humiliated. OMW didn't yell or scream, just wished WW success in repairing this mess. The lady is a real class-act and I wouldn't have been so gracious had I been in her shoes. WW was pretty shook up and humbled by it but admitted, afterward, that it was the right thing to do and helped.

5. Told her I'm out of here if I get so much as a mouse-fart's whiff of this mother [*edit] again. Contact with anyone that she used to work with will cease immediately. She agreed.

6. She's really trying to make up for this, but I told her I didn't need a marriage this bad and am witholding judgement for now. Told her I'd done this twice before and not sure if I can do it again.

7. She says she feels like a burden is lifted, that she looks forward to our future together, all the things that *sound* like someone genuinely in this. We'll see.

8. She wants a second honeymoon, for us to take a vacation, to spend time together, to schedule UA time together. Yeah, sounds good, but I'm a bit gunshy still. Will be open to things, but not too open if that makes any sense.

I'm probably more in than out, but she knows that I'm ready to walk on this. I just don't need to be married this bad. She said she felt closer to me now than ever before--maybe because she sees I'm not in at all costs? Not sure, will see how day goes. Wife is obviously in.

Sent letters to OM's parents, sister and every one of his co-workers telling them about the affair. [*edit] him and his "you don't bother me and I won't bother your wife" message. OM's W vaguely asked if I would talk on her behalf if she divorced the [*edit]. I said sure, you've got my number. [*edit] him.

Good job, NW!

I have one more suggestion for you. I would request your W to post here as a show of her sincerity and commitment to R. She needs the accountability and it would help to defog her...

hang in there!

A fine piece of work, keep your boundaries firm . It's going to be tough over the next few weeks, keep your dignity and do not compromise on her implementing extraordinary precautions to protect herself from a future affair. Give her the "surviving the affair" book to read. Don't forget to have her write a letter of apology to her parents and a goodby never contact me again note the ex friend who played a part in giving out your WW number.

It is going to be hard on you, be calm and do not lash out, firm, unwavering and consistent behaviours.

Roger that. It's a strange feeling today--almost like I'm ok with however this turns out. I'm sure it'll all sink in before too long but, for now, it's not that bad.

After WW changed her number the first time, OM asked the friend for the new number. Ex-friend gave it to him. OM then gave WW his new number (because I knew his old one) and then she'd call him. That's WW's story, cell recorder logs back that version up--looks like it started around first of February with contact continuing until 3/23 when she did the two-week "commitment" to the marriage but then broke contact last week and crashed. Then I found out and it hit the fan.

GREAT JOB NW! Keep your guard, but I actually have a good feeling about your situation right now. Hang in there, but be prepared to cut her loosse this time. I think it's awesome that you're getting support from you in-laws. Hopefully you and FIL can help keep her on the stratight and narrow. If not, bye, bye. That's my suggestion.

x2! Did you say what is happening to this friend who facilitated the contact?

You know what that feeling is?

That's the release of guilt and self-blame.

Again, North, you now have an explanation for her hesitancy to go "all-in" for all this time.

You have now demonstrated that you will not be her doormat, and that she better walk the straight-and-narrow, or the only thing she'll see of you is your bluejeaned backside as you walk away.

Who has more to lose?

I think she's blown it enough now to realize that she has more to lose than she previously believed.


Hopefully, this is the realbeginning.

WW said she didn't know if friend gave the number before or after she told friend about the affair. Doesn't really matter, WW says she's done with those people anyways. I noticed she had deleted their contact info from her phone, and this morning she called the company and changed the number.

At least this time she's taking these steps without me and her dad breathing down her neck.

Cautiously optimistic that she's showing the right signs, but still a little leery of getting stung again.

Yeah, things make more sense now. She said it made sense for her too, that when she quit talking to OM for those two weeks (crap, I need to edit my sig) she felt better about the marriage.

She says she had to burn that bridge and (like you said) realizes she has more to lose than before. She says it's the first time she's seen that and looks forward to living with me again. She said she hoped I didn't get some weird disease and die, now that she's realized how much I mean to her.

She says she knows there was no future with OM. I helpfully reminded her that both her dad and mother would likely end up in the state pen if they ever saw him.

I did manage to do yesterday without smoking. It wasn't that hard, I just really didn't give a damn anymore and was done. She knows the burden is on her. I'll do some lifting, but the heavy stuff is going to be her charge.

I'm not mad, I'm not sad, I'm just "here" and that's ok.

This is an EXCELLENT idea and I would advise that you set this up today. Dr Harley recommends this very thing. A nice little trip between you two to start things off right. I would do this.

You did a super job, Northwood and I am very proud of you!

One of the main reasons you mean so much to her is because you weren't a doormat and you stood up for your marriage. It takes a lot of guts to fight for your marriage. Women like that.

I would suggest asking the admin here to send you a copy of this entire thread, delete it up to today and then let the thread continue from today's posts...

That way if you invite WW here she won't be able to "stumble" upon this thread and read the whole thing... Better if she didn't have the chance. You have snooping secrets here...

Just a suggestion.

If they do, every who was watching your thread will have to find it again and re-watch it in their settings. The title will be the same, so it'll be easy to find again....

Welcome to the club, brother.

There is some kind of sick, free sense about it, isn't there?

I'm not here because I need to be, because I have to be, because I am expected to be... none of that.

I am here, because I want to be, because I choose to be.

I know what I have to do, and I am going to do it.

On you, babe. I can walk, right now. What's your choice?


Going forward;

1) No matter how your mood goes, be available.

2) Allow her to meet your needs.

3) Allow her to make herself available. When you have a trigger, and you'd rather throw her through a window than to look at her... STOP. Let her be there.

4) Meet her needs.

5) You guess here... you know this stuff North.

NW

You have done really Well!
Lots of respect brother. You took some really good advice and did not back down. I think she respects and admires you for fighting for her marriage and her family.

Get a solid POJA plan and keep to it. Including EP and compensation.

Vacation and UA time are great ideas. A chance for you to shine and meet ENs. Especially Family Commitmment.

You, sir, are a Marriage Warrior. Well done, North!

Thanks, Tim, for the suggestion. I'm not quite sure how (or when) I'd want her to see this site--not too much longer, but am glad (now) that I hadn't brought it up.

If she's too foggy when she posts, the lady from Texas and maritalbliss will probably run her off

Thanks for the compliments y'all, kind of nice to have the input through this mess (again).

We got a babysitter for the kids from 11-4 today and took a mini-road trip. Went to a couple of flea markets, farmers market, miscellaneous stuff like that. She's taking the babysitter home now so I figured I'd check in here, see what was going on.

All-in-all, we actually had a pleasant day. She's upbeat, cannot remember the last time we really enjoyed each others company. Would guess it's been a few years. Having no kids along really helped.

Will definitely do this more often.

Re: vacation, she's wanting to do a cruise. There are that leave out of New Orleans and Mobile, so we wouldn't have to fly or anything and would save some money that way.

The outlook is not as foggy today. So far, I've only had a few minutes of "down" and think the quality UA time offset that. I'm still just kind of in a haze wondering if "this" time is for real or if this is just another round on the coaster.

I think I'll worry about tomorrow tomorrow. Today's not so bad.

It ain't all rainbow and sunshine.

Though, support through the ups and downs to follow is a bonding experience.

Chin up, chest out, shoulders back.


OOps... not that song....

And clank, clank Brother!