Just keep doing the plan and keep your eyes and energies focused on making sure the affair ENDS. We can't compete with fantasy. We have to first end the fantasy. After the fog has lifted and your marriage is into recovery, your H may even thank you for not allowing his life to proceed in such a disgraceful way. In the meantime, be the best wife you know to be, meet his needs, expose, follow what the vets are telling you.

There is nothing "responsible" about having an affair and abandoning your family for an affair. I would enlist your MIL to persuade him to end his affair. Will she do that? Will she run off the OW?


I am not following you. Surely you understand that the OW is not "supportive," right? When you support someone you don't help them wreck their life.

Did you expose the affair yet? Its important to stick to your plan and not get sidetracked by the meaningless fogbabble of waywards. The things your H has said are meaningless.

My MIL is most definitely on my side and has talked to him, but he refuses to listen because he believes he is doing the right thing. He thinks that the marriage is over and he is in love with OW.
I understand that the OW is not supportive but if he believes that it makes it difficult.

Oh yeah on d-day the OW here said "If you want to reconcile with her I am a big girl and i can deal with it."

Yet she did not GO AWAY so that he really could recover the marriage. Roll eyes. This is all typical fogbabble.

Just stick to your plan! Expose wide and far. And if your MIL is really supportive, she can help you run off the OW by giving her a call and telling her to go to hell. If I were your MIL I would call the OW and tell her she will never darken my doorstep.

Well I did it.
I sent an email to the HR department of their workplace exposing the affair. I am still not sure if this was a good idea but I just shut my eyes and pushed send.

You did a brave thing, albizia. I applaud you

Good for you, albizia! Wait for the fallout, and there will be some. He'll be pissed, he might 'hate' you, you ruined his job, blah blah blah. Tell him this: "I love you and our marriage and will do whatever it takes to save it. I am trying to save our marriage."

Good for you, albizia! Wait for the fallout, and there will be some. He'll be pissed, he might 'hate' you, you ruined his job, your marriage is over, blah blah blah. Tell him this: "I love you and our marriage and will do whatever it takes to save it. I am trying to save our marriage."

Good job! you did use their full names, right?

I would get any remaining exposures done today or tomorrow. Your H will be furious so you need to make sure the exposure is effective and impactful enough to cause a tsunami effect. Doing a halfway exposure causes more problems than it solves. It does just enough to piss off the WS but not enough to kill the affair. So make sure you are THOROUGH!

I wish you were my MIL.... alas.

Keep the tsunami of exposure going, spend the whole day messaging OW family, H, your husbands family, your family.

Call them daily to keep the heat on him. Does he have brothers and sisters? They need to know also. Do you have close friends of both of yours? Expose now

Message several layers of his/her management team.. One person may forget or do nothing but not all of them.

I have now told all my family and his family as well as a lot of friends. I have sent a message to her seperated husband and have emailed thier work. Both mine and his families are still in shock and believe he has totally lost the plot. His mother is having lunch with him on Saturday and has said she will talk to him then, but doesn't hold much hope of him listening. My mother said he is a very persuasive person when he talks and since he has managed to convince himself he is doing the right thing he is also able to convince other friends who have talked to him. I guess now the best thing for me to do is sit and wait while being the best wife I can be from a distance.
I have the kids in counselling but they are still both very upset and angry. Any tips on helping them to get through this difficult time?

albizia:
You are doing the right things. Take care of yourself! The kids need you in Plan A for them also. That means you do whatever is necessary to support yourself. Do not feel guilty about the kids anger and pain. You are the one fighting for them and they will come through it. I speak first hand on that. Make darn sure the counselor you send them too is supportive of the marriage builders solution or find another one who is. Do know the good people here will support you.
Blessings and prayers for you. You are courageous and I admire you so very much!

itburns: I understand firsthand where you are. When I exposed without proof a physical affair I learned a few things: 1. It didn't matter that I was once a young tough Marine - the anger I received at exposure time exceeded all my expectations. And I had no support system to go to. Make certain you take care of yourself and have a support system in place. I all but offed myself in fear and frustration when I got the "well now divorce is certain" speech and the other incredible anger I received. 2. No married spouse should listen for one second to a man hitting on them. That is not a friend. A friend supports not subverts the marriage. 3. Most people that gt caught up in the "just friends" cannot invite the friend to dinner nor can they talk in front of the spouse. Fail either of those two tests and it is not just friends... 4. Exposure of the emotional affair (secretive and behind your back) has about an 80% chance of killing the "fun" of the affair. 5. Do not expose in an angry tirade. (I did and I regret it and lost the advantage because of it) 6. Strange people become affair partners - 7. You have a right to discuss and set boundaries that you are comfortable with in the marriage. If there is a difference of opinion do not get threatening. Just agree to both research the subject. If its a deal breaker for you after you talk about it with research... then you must calmly say so.
8. Take a hard look at yourself. I found out I was guilty of loud angry outbursts. I did not swear, I did not hit. But by goodness could I pour on the volume. Wow could I lecture by the hour. Wow could I threaten to cancel vacations, file for divorce. I was verbally abusive and controlling and it took the hard looking at myself to realize that. So I set out to fix it.
Fix whatever you can that you can identify as an emotional need of your wife that you have not been able to meet. Just don't sell out on transparency, and fidelity ("forsaking all others" is the usual phrase...
And please know you will survive and that your marriage can get better.
Prayers for you and your wife and children.

Hurting Turkey
ME: BH age 56 Recovering Verbal Abuser
SHE:WW age 49
Married 13 years
Hers: 22 and 18 years
Mine: 30, 28 and 22 years
Ours: 11 years
She still won't admit A # 2 despite overwhelming evidence
Considered Plan B but was told not to by Steve H. since A is over
to hang on to Plan A. Grateful for the people on this board (even though they tire of telling me what I don't want to hear!)

It's 1:30 in the morning here and I haven't slept yet. I'm having a bad night and I just want to curl up in a ball and cry.

He came and picked the kids up today to take them out for a while. I tried to be very friendly and everything but it is like trying to be friendly to a brick wall. He informs me that he is going away for work next week and won't be back for 5 weeks. How long do I keep going with plan A and is it even possible to do a proper plan A when I hardly see him?

Has he always worked these hours away from home? If not, you can guarantee he is going to OW house to stay. Your best bet is saying "both of us know you going away for five weeks includes OW" Simply walk away saying this is hurting our family.

This will be plan B real soon, once he steps out you file for custody of those kids, have him live somewhere else using an intermediary.. Never communicate directly, only use other person including kids.

He thinks he knows what is right but he is in a fantasy land based on lies and selfishness. Those poor kids will never see him the same way if he leaves you.

I am pretty sure that 4 of the 5 weeks will not be with OW since he is travelling out of the country for work on a project she was not involved in. The fifth week could well mean catching up with her.
I am worried about his mental well being. When his mother (who is staying with me for a week) told him how badly the kids are taking this, his response was "That is to be expected". I can't believe the lack of feeling from a man who has always doted on his kids. In this frame of mind I don't think telling him he is hurting the family is going to make any difference.